While walking into work yesterday I passed a huge snowdrift and I shivered. I thought to myself how cold it is this morning. Then my mind went there. I thought, Bryston's grave decorations are probably hidden in all the snow. My next thought was then, how he must be so cold down there! I'm glad, at least, that he has a blanket that he's wrapped up in.

But that last thought is the problem. I realized that beside the fact that I know it was thin and that he was wrapped in it, I cannot remember one distinguishable characteristic of this blanket. I know that it was light colored, but did it have any designs on it? What color were the designs or the background? How awful is this, that I cant remember his blanket? I asked Ty if he remembered and he said he wasn't sure but he thought that it was plain white, but I don't think that's right. It doesn't feel right.

Sigh.

Why cant I remember this? It's been almost 5 months, not quite, but almost. You would think that I could remember this. I hate myself for forgetting! What will I forget next? I'm worried that his face, smell, or the way that he felt in my arms, the lightness of his weight against me will be next.

Why didn't I keep him in the room with me longer! If I had maybe I'd remember his blanket! I wish I had not sent him off with the nurse that same night. I just kept telling myself that if I didn't do it now that I would never be able to do it later. I felt that I needed to rip it off like a band aide almost. How stupid of me. I would give anything for more time with him now.

He was beginning to get cold. I could feel it through his blanket and I couldn't stand the feel of it. Ty stood beside me as we held our beautiful son one last time, kissed him and placed him in that rolling bassinet all wrapped up in this blanket. We took a single rose out of an arrangement that we received and put it in the bassinet with him. The nurse asked several time if we were sure. We said we were and had to push the bassinet towards her for her to accept that we were. We stood there in tears as we watched her roll our son away. The last time I laid eyes on my son was through blurry eyes. They asked us the next morning and the morning that I was released if we'd like to see him again. We said no. I thought that if I held him again that I wouldn't be able so send him back. That I might go mad a bit and run out of the hospital with him.

I wish I had said yes to seeing him again. I wish he was here now and all of this would be a vague bad dream that I had last night. I hate that I cant hold him in my arms and rock him to sleep tonight.

I was bothered all day long yesterday by this and today is no better. I wish I could remember his blanket, is all. I am bothered by the fact that I could forget even on detail from that day. It makes me feel even more like a failure as his mommy. In my mind I know that's a lie, but my heart feels the weight of it like a ton of bricks today. I pray to God that I wont forget anything else.

Walk a mile in these shoes

How many times as MOV's have we heard the statement, God doesn't give you more than you can handle? Or that it's God's plan and God's plan is perfect? I don't know about you, but I've had my fill with statements like these. They imply that God was somehow responsible for taking Bryston away. That he planned this from the get go. Or at best they suggest that others of us are more equipped to deal with the loss of a child than others. I don't buy any of that. No one is prepared for the day that their child dies. And how would one even begin to do so?

While yes, I do believe that God's plan is perfect, I in no way shape or form think that God included my son's dying as a part of his plan. I do, however, believe with every fiber of my soul that God will use Bryston's passing for good in some way. I don't see that now, but I think I'm a little to close to this in this moment to not be blinded by any positive spin on his departure. Maybe one day I will. I hope and pray that one day I might.

At this point in my new journey I despise all these old wives saying. Like God giveth and God taketh away. Again this implies that God is the one taking. He is not. We live in a fallen and broken world full of sickness and evil that God never intended for us. God intended a perfect existence for us in the Garden of Eden. But we as imperfect humans chose our own Independence even then and ate the fruit of evil. That is what I believe took my son away from me. My human imperfections and the worlds imperfections and evils.

What Ive come to find is that that lovely little saying about God not giving us more that we can bear isn't even in the bible. What the Bible does say in I Corinthians 10:13 is this, No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.
Being tempted is a far different thing that enduring the loss of a child I would say.

I am guilty of saying these exact things to grieving people before I had been in their shoes. I had no idea what I was even saying. Looking back, I'm sure that I have said my fair share of these very statements to people that I now shudder when I hear them. You really cant know until you've walked a mile in their shoes. I keep trying to take these damn shoes off! I dont want to know anymore! Its like Ive slipped on someone else's 2 sizes to small shoes and they're just stuck. I know Ive posted that poem before but it just keeps rumbling around in my head. Its so true.

Have I stopped trusting God or lost my faith trough all of this. No, not at all. In the early days my faith was shaken, yes, but never lost. I still have days that I'm angry that he didn't stop this but I have to rely on the promise that he has given me. To be with me through the storm and to be my comforter. When I have those days I have to remind myself that I am still a work in progress and I lean on these promises;

Be content with what you have, for God has said, "Never
will I leave you; never will I forsake you." So say with
confidence, "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid."

- Hebrews 13:5,6

Come unto me, ye who are weary and overburdened, and I
will give you rest.
- - Matthew 11:28


And we know that in all things God works for the good of
those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

- Romans 8:28

Bryston's Tree

I haven't been in the holiday spirit, that's no secret, but I did take your advice and decided to put up at least a small tree for Bryston. I didn't and probably wont put up our big tree this year because it just feels like itd be forced. But I do think that Bryston needs to be included in our holiday. I got home the other night from work and Ty had bought a gift for me. It was on the dining room table. I opened it and found the cutest sparrow ornament. So I knew after opening it that I wanted to put on up. Also on the tree I put two ornaments with the letter B on them, and the very first ornament that I bought in August in Alabama while visiting my sister. It is a blue baby ornament with balloons and on the balloons says 2009. All in all I am glad that I put up a tree just for Bryston. I like looking at the lights at night and its somehow peaceful.








The little angle figurine in this photo is holding a little angel baby. We received it in the mail the other day. It came in a box with a little poem attached that read;
When God Calls Little Children
When God calls little children to dwell with him above
We mortals sometimes question the wisdom of his love
For no heartache compares with the death of one small child
Who does so much to make our world seem so wonderful and mild
Perhaps God tires of calling the aged to his fold
So he picks a little rosebud before it can grow old
God knows how much we need them so he takes but a few
To make the land of Heaven more beautiful to view
Believing this is difficult, still, somehow we must try
The saddest word mankind knows will always be goodbye
So when a little child departs we how are left behind
Must realize God loves his children...Angels are hard to find.

The figurine had no return address on it so I have no one to say thank you too, but still whoever you are, thank you, its beautiful and we love it so much we wanted it by his tree.


Also this week I decorated his site. Its not much since there is no headstone but I wanted something there that was festive. I took down his fall decorations, which I'm not sure Ive shared so I will post that picture as well, but I it was hard seeing all the other little graves there decorated. It made me sad to see just how many there are. My heart aches for these families and I wonder how they are navigating through the season with their grief.







Another thing that I got in the mail the other day was from our NILMDTS photographer. It came out of nowhere and I am so grateful that she thought of us! Here is her addition to Bryston's name gallery.


You know, even through it all I still feel so blessed. It's hard sometimes, yes, to see it that way, but deep down I know in my heart that I am. I wish that I could see that everyday. See that through the fog of my grief. I'm trying and I guess that's something.

Cast your burden on the Lord [releasing the weight of it] and He will sustain you; He will never allow the [consistently] righteous to be moved (made to slip, fall, or fail). Psalm 55:22 (AMP)

Blocking Users?

Does anyone know how to block users? I keep getting these Chinese writing comments and when you click on the name of the person leaving it, you are directed to a pornagraphic site. Disgusting. How insensitive of a place to be posting that crap anyway, on a blog dedicated to her dead baby!

Shell Shocked

I cant believe that this is my life. How could this be my reality? I'm in disbelief that my son, my beautiful perfect little boy is gone. I guess I'm just still shell shocked at how quickly things went from a fairytale to a nightmare. In the matter of a week we went from being a "textbook pregnancy" to those awful 5 words a mother never wants to hear. Five words that Ive come to despise. Alone these words are so innocent and normal, but when used in a sentence together, are a black hole of despair. "I'm not getting a heartbeat." What hideous words.

Today I drove an hour to visit Bryston's site and to decorate it for Christmas. While I cant seem to get in enough of a spirit to decorate around here, I felt like I needed to decorate for him. As I was driving to his site I flipped through the radio stations and almost every one was playing Christmas music. Instead of making me feel joyful like they have in years past all I wanted to do was cry. So I did. I cried on the drive there and back. Even my favorite, O Holy Night, sings about a baby's birth. I cant seem to escape this. Everything reminds me of what Ive lost. I wish that I could just focus on what I do have in my life because I do have some amazing things. My husband and family are more than anyone could ever ask for, I have a job that provides a roof over my head and food in my belly, and I have generally good health. But this all seems so meaningless without Bryston in my arms.

I feel like I have a giant brick wall in front of me that I'm chained to. I try and try again to climb over it and the minute that I manage to get over and start to walk away I start to feel a little more joy with each step but in that the minute when I start to feel a little hopeful the chain yanks me back and I'm back in square one struggling to get to the other side.

I don't know what the deal is the last few days, I'm in such a funk. Nothing happened to bring this on, its just here. I was doing fine last week, but I guess I wandered a little to far away from that wall. I go back to work tomorrow so I'm hoping that work with serve as the distraction that I need to get out of this rut. Thanks for every one's words of encouragement on my last "downer" post, it helps to know that I'm not alone here. *HUGS*

I don't really have a theme for this post, I'm just having one of those blah kind of days. I'm bummed. About what you ask? I think the question is really what am I not bummed about today?

I'm missing Bryston. Which isn't unusual or anything, I just see how my life is now and know that it would have been so very different if he were here today. I'm restless. I have the day off today and tomorrow, so today I slept late. I then made lunch for Ty and I and cleaned the house. After cleaning I just lounged on the couch and watched tv. I shouldn't have time to watch tv. I should be running ragged and taking care of a 4 month old baby. I don't really know what to do with myself in my free time without him here which is odd because it's not like he was ever here for me have had anything to compare my lack of free time to. Does that make any sense? I guess I'm just missing what should have been.

I'm bummed that I haven't lost any of the weight. In fact I am 7 pounds heavier than when I was 28 weeks pregnant with Bryston. I know, I know, I have a good reason to have packed it on but that doesn't cheer me up. The fact that my pants are too tight and my shirts all accentuate my muffin top are hard to ignore. I use to be so active. I went to the gym and worked out most of pregnancy and I also walked frequently but now, I just have no desire to do any of those things. Doing them now just reminds me of him. And while that isn't a totally bad thing, because I love thinking about Bryston, its just harder to get motivated now.

I'm bummed because Christmas is my favorite time of year and now I don't even want to put up my tree. I miss how I use to have to hold myself back from putting it up too early and now I just want to sleep through the holidays. I cant get into the spirit when Bryston's gone. How can I celebrate anything now? I got through Thanksgiving just fine but that's never really been important to me. Its always been Christmas time that's meant the most to me. I just want the holidays to pass like any other day. I don't feel like myself anymore. I feel like a stranger to myself. Who is this girl? She is so different than a year ago. I want this year to be over. I wish I could say that I was hopeful that next year would be better, but I cant. I don't really have any hope left.

I'm bummed that I haven't heard back from the cemetery yet about weather or not we can donate a marker to his site. I have called several times but gotten no responce. Really? Don't you people make money on these headstones? You would think they would be at least give a prospective customer a call back. I'm starting to feel defeated on this one.

I know this post is kind of a downer and I'm sorry. I'm usually able to at least find one positive thing to type but not today. It's just to hard to see past the storm clouds that have rolled in on my life today. I hope everyone out there is having a better day!


"The name of the LORD is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe."
Proverbs 18:10

Jeremiah 29:11 - "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"

Blue Sparrows

I wasn't sure if I wanted to share this story with anyone but family and close friends because I wanted to keep something just for myself but then I asked myself, why not share it? I will always have our special times together just for me, so what the heck, it's Thanksgiving and I am thankful my special little sparrow.

You may have noticed that I have a thing for sparrows. I cant get enough of them. And for good reason. They remind me of Bryston. In fact, I believe that Bryston and God send me these sparrows when I'm feeling particularly low.

It all started the day we drove home from the hospital. Its about an hours drive from there to our home. We were about halfway home when Ty out of no where says, "Look at that bird," and pointed at the front of his truck on the passanger side. So I looked. And what I saw I didnt think much of at the time but now I cherish this. A sparrow was floating and twirling almost dancing in the wind keeping up with Tys pickup. It was so close to the truck I worried for a minute that he'd hit the poor thing. The sparrow stayed there for what seemed like forever but Im sure it was just a few blocks.

That afternoon, my mom drops off some books for me. Books about miscarraige and pregnancy loss and healing books. She starts to tell me about one of the books and tells me that her favorite part of the book was how the author described our babies leaving, like the flight of a baby bird taking flight out of the mothers nest to make themselves a new home. That night I pick up one of the books and on the first page the author talks about being visited by sparrows and how she believes that birds carry messages from God. I still didnt really think too much about this yet so I keep reading then headed to bed for the night.

The next morning my sister sends me a text. She says that I should get a tattoo of a bird since Bryston's initials are b.r.d. Which I never gave a second thought to at the time either untill she brought it up. When I read her message it all clicked. I had been shown sparrows and birds up the wazoo yesterday, could these be messages from Bryston?

So for the next two months I recieved a sparrow visit daily. Some days it was literally a sparrow sitting on my deck and others it was in a scripture that found its way to me, on a shirt, or someone singing a song about it. On my first day back to work, a lousy day, I turned on the tv and was greeted with the news that Nicole Riche had named her baby sparrow! They always come in different forms, but I know that they are messages from him, to let me know that he loves me and to encourage me when times get tough. The sparrows always find their way to me.

I love that we have this connection. I cherish each and every sparrow sent. Lately, though, they are fewer and farther between, but thats okay. I just cherish the ones that I do get all the more when they arrive. So thats it, thats the fascination with Sparrows. I believe that they are messages from my perfect little man to his mama.

Today I am thankful for the blessing of being Bryston's mama. No matter how brief and painful. I couldnt have asked for a better title. I am thankful for my husband, family and friends and the support they give everyday in our grief. I am thankful that I have a job, a roof over my head and food in my belly. Wishing each of you a happy and peaceful Thanksgiving!


Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.
—Matthew 10:29-31

Are not five sparrows sold for two farthings, and not one of them is forgotten before God?
Luke 12:6