Thursday, April 28, 2011

I would die for that

A dear friend of mine sent this to me, and it brought tears to my eyes. I thought you all might like it too. (((HUGS)))

In the Grip of His Grace,

Monday, April 25, 2011

Would you or Wouldn't you??

I logged onto my online Sociology class today and checked our threaded discussion. The question we had to respond to this week is about human cloning and if we support it, why or why or why not.

I originally answered no, I don't support human cloning on the basis of ethical issues. I said that for one it's man playing God. Second, what about human rights? I said that human clones would run the risk of being forced to donate organs to their original human gene donor. Third, I said that it's dangerous. Most of the clones die and it can be dangerous for the mother as well. Last, can you imagine the psychological trauma of seeing a loved one who'd passed on walk down the street?

At least that's how I answered this morning. I've been sitting here mulling this over in my mind all day. What if I could clone Bryston? I know logically that it wouldn't be him. That this clone would be a separate living being, but.....can you imagine it? I would get to see him grow up. I would get to hold him and do all the things with him that I'll never get the chance to. Do I really care that it's playing God if I had the chance to hold him again...??? No, I don't think I do. That's awful, I know, but it's the truth.

It's torturous to think about this! I swear! There is absolutely nothing I wouldn't do to have him back. But, it's not him. I know it wouldn't be, so why am I so fixated on this idea? It's so unfair! Who would have thought that a hot topic issue like cloning would affect me like this? It's so strange all of the things that can trigger my grief. I don't know if having a cloned version of Bryston would hurt or help me but the idea of it sure sounds wonderful from where I'm sitting. If it came down to it, I probably wouldn't, but even having to make that decision would rip me to shreds. I think the best thing would be to just ban it before it's even possible, avoid the whole thing before there's even an issue to torture yourself over.

I just keep telling myself to just forget the idea. It's not even possible right now so why are you even wasting your time thinking about it? Ugh, I don't know. I guess I just can't see past myself rocking Bryston to sleep and thinking about how nice that would be.... what do you think. If you had the chance, would you do it? Do you think it would hurt you more or help you? So what do you clone or not to clone?

In the Grip of His Grace,

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Sigh's...And more Sigh's

I absolutely love facebook, I do. But sometimes it makes me just want to scream, it's not fair! I think every one and their brother has posted pictures of their babies and kids today. Sigh....

Logging in some days it feels like facebook is just rubbing it in my face. I should be posting pictures and reading all the Aww, how cute, and what a doll comments. The universe really sucks sometimes! I hate how I feel when I see a precious baby. Instead of thinking what a cutie they are I instead am reminded of what I'm missing. My family minus two. Big Sigh........

I wish....well you all know what I wish. I guess it's just one of those nights. It's been awhile so I guess I'm due but I swear I'll never get use to how unpredictable grief is. It still sneaks up on me out of the blue and it still has the power to knock me on my butt.

I tell God over and over, "Okay, I'm giving this to you, it's too big for me to handle," and yet I still can't seem to really hand it over. What is my problem? It's not like I want to be up all night crying and reliving it all so why can't I just let Him do what he does best, comfort? EXTREME SIGH.........

I just need to lean on this verse tonight:
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” ~Matthew 11:28

In the Grip of His Grace,

Monday, March 28, 2011

Lil bit of this & Lil bit of that :D

I'm still here! I just haven't had much time lately to blog and I feel kinda guilty about that but I have still been reading your blogs as much as I can. I do think that school has been a good distraction for me. I feel like I've made so much more progress healing since I enrolled. I feel a sense of purpose and that really helps me. I feel like I might actually make some good come out of loosing my angels.

While the hurt is never far away, I can now make it through several tasks in a row without being wrapped up in Bryston & Peanut thoughts. That makes me a little sad too, in a way. I suppose because it really has been so long since I've had them with me. It seems like forever ago some days and other's it's as fresh as if it'd happened yesterday. Whatever it is; I'm making progress and that's what counts. I feel a little more like the old me now than I have in the past 20 months. I know that I'll never quite be the same again, but it is nice to have a bit of that carefree laugh creep back into my day to day life. My arms still ache from time to time and that clinching of my heart still happens when I hear another pregnancy announcement but it is getting a little easier.

My Grandmother passed away last Tuesday. She had been in the hospital for over 2 months and we all knew it was coming but still, my last grandparent is gone. She's in a better place and will be very very missed, especially when I'm needing to hear Psalms 91 or I'm in need of a good hot pan holder HAHA! My grandmother made tons and tons of hot pan holders, I have a kitchen drawer stuffed to the brim with them! I stuck one under the flower arrangement that my sisters and I sent to the funeral home for a personal touch ;D I think she would have gotten a kick out of that. I like to think that she is up there rocking my babies. That gives me such a sense of peace imagining her that way.

I had better get to bed, it's getting late. Goodnight!

In the Grip of His Grace,

Friday, March 11, 2011

It must be love

Lately I've been questioning if Bryston knows or can feel just how much I love him. My heart tells me that he knows, and my head well that's full of conflicting thoughts.

But yesterday leaves no doubts for me. I know he CAN! Yesterday was packed full of sparrow visits! When I went to the bank the drive through was covered with sparrows. The were everywhere! Even the people I was with pointed them out. Then I went to the movie, Gnomeo & Juliet, and I got another visit. I know most people would see these as coincidences and might say that I'm reading into them. But I'm not. I've had 19 months of being followed by sparrows. It IS NOT my imagination!

The best visit was the last one I got yesterday. As I was leaving work I was flipping through the radio channels. And this is what I heard;

It must be love, it must be love.
I fall like a sparrow and fly like a dove.
You must be the dream I been dreaming of,
Oh what a feeling, it must be love

Something is wrong or right,
I think of you all night.
Can't sleep 'til morning light,
It must be love

Seeing you in my dreams,
Holding you close to me.
Oh, what else can it be?
It must be love.

I was stunned. I know that this was meant for me. That Bryston is saying, "Of coarse I know Mom!" I will cherish this visit more than any other I've gotten! No one was with me, it was just too obvious to be a coincidence. I've been questioning this for several weeks and here pops up my answer. Plain as day. It couldn't have been more clear if a giant billboard painted Your little sparrow loves you too had fallen over on my car. Today, I feel peace. I feel loved and most of all I feel blessed!!!

By the way, I saw this little saying on a bumper sticker, and I chuckled; Body piercings saved my life & then it had a picture of Jesus's peirced hands. That'll get your attention, LOL! I thought it was cute...

I have held many things in my hands, and I have lost them all;
but whatever I have placed in God's hands, that I still possess.
~Martin Luther

In The Grip Of His Grace,

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Damn It Eve!

Life just sucks sometimes, ya know? (Don't worry, everything with me is fine) I'm just so tired of seeing so many hurt & broken people everyday. Why does life have to be so hard? Do you ever just curse Eve in the back of your mind when life goes to the pot just because you know none of this would be happening if she hadn't taken that stupid apple? LOL! I'm joking, well kind of... :)

Stub your toe, Damn it Eve! Lose you job, Damn it Eve! ;p

Then life gets really hard & complicated and yes, I suppose technically she is to blame. But when things get really bad & you're left to just watch helplessly as people struggle through life, it's not so easy to blame her anymore. We live in a fallen world. That's it, bottom line. Things are always going to be screwed up here. Humans will always have trouble and will always have struggles until the next perfect life.


I just wish it wasn't so hard. And back to my original point.....DAMN IT EVE!!! ;P

Monday, February 14, 2011

Valentines & Updates

I'm sorry it's been so long since I've posted or commented on your blogs! Things with school, work and just life in general have been super crazy! I feel so out of the loop, LOL!

Let's see....About a week ago a friend of mine had her first grandchild so I went to the hospital with her to see the little cutie pie. As I walked into the room I went directly into the restroom to wash my hands before holding him. The minute I entered the bathroom I realized, this is the exact room they put me in the night we found out Bryston was gone. I didn't say anything. I wasn't even sure what to feel. I guess I'm still surprised that there are still "first" to go through after 18 months. I didn't really let myself think about it until I left to go home. It just brought back all those awful memories of that night. But surprisingly, I handled it alot better than I have in the past with other "firsts."

My husband has taken up photography, and this is what he made for her grandchild. I think it turned out really well. He's already got a couple of other requests coming in because of this one. (Can you tell, I'm not proud or anything LOL! ;p)

This past week has been kind of tough too. My Grandma is in the hospital and not doing very well. Her prognoses isn't good at all. We're at the point of just praying for her to pass easily & quickly. And to make matters worse, they've just put my Uncle in hospice care. Ugh...not a great week at all! When it rains it pours or so they say.

Today is Valentines Day so Happy Valentines!!! Ty and I arent real big on celebrating small holiday's like this one or even really anniversaries so for us, today is just another day. But I do know that a lot of people out there love this holiday so for you, I wish you a very special day & hope you get everything you need & deserve. Lots of Love to you all!!!

In the Grip of His Grace,