Wednesday, January 12, 2011

One of those nights...


Well, I had one of those nights again last night. The kind of night where I cant stop reliving the memories of the first 2 months after Bryston was born. I'd close my eyes and it was like I was right back there. Stuck in the middle of the whole thing and nowhere to turn. I tried distracting myself but I'm sure you all know how well that works. Whenever you try to make yourself stop thinking about something, it is the ONLY thing you can think about.

I tossed and turned and relived the memories like it was yesterday. And the whole time I'm lying there I'm scolding myself because tomorrow is the first day of class. Eventually my pillow got soggy from the tears and I flipped it over hoping to get comfortable enough but it was lumpy and just as uncomfortable as the wetness of my tears. And wondered if it will always be like this, will I never reach complete peace? Will I ever again fall asleep the minute my head hits the pillow like I use to?

And then I remembered a relaxation technique I'd heard about recently and decided to try it. You're supposed to visualize a tree in the fall. A lone tree in a pasture. And watch as a single leaf falls from the tree swaying back and forth slowly. Let me tell you, that's the last thing I remember! It worked and it worked well, LOL!

Today, while the sun is shining and I'm my senses aren't dulled by the sleeping pill that I took I know that I cant rationalize these memories or feelings and that they ARE going to come whenever they want. I cant control how my mind is trying to deal with all of this, even 17 months later. But what I can do is accept that they are going to come, sometimes at inconvenient times, and what I need to do is work through them as they come. But when they get to that point of being stubborn & are interfering with my day/night I CAN choose to distract myself. The tree thing worked well for me but if that doesn't work for you I did hear of one other that might be just as relaxing for you; Picture a dark room. Ten candles are lit and lined up. Now visualize yourself blowing them out, physically breath in & out deeply as your doing this. By the time you've reached candle ten, you should be relaxed. I hope these help you as much as they helped me last night! ;p



Nothing is permanent in this wicked world - not even our troubles.
--Charlie Chaplin





8 comments:

Monica said...

Sorry it has been so hard lately. I love the visualization techniques you suggest and plan to try it next time I need it. Grief does seem to creep in at the worst times. And it seems so out of contol at times. Big hugs

Melissa said...

I might have to try the leaf falling thing...

This is such a long and strange journey. Thank you for sharing this.

Praying for sweet dreams and peace for you!

Jenn said...

Jennifer, I'm sorry you had a rough night. I have had many nights like that since our loss, and I continue to have them, although much more rare now (5 years later).

I think the best thing to do is feel what you feel, when you feel it. Work through it and process it as it comes. Honor the loss of your sweet boy, grieve it, remember it.

I hope you had a good first day of class today. You are not alone.

Shandrea said...

yes those nights are truly hard. Sending you Lots and lots of Love and HUGS

Mary said...

Thank you for these tips. I used them last night and they helped. I gave you a blog award. If you get a chance, stop by my blog to pick it up.
Love,
Mary

Melissa said...

That is an important thing to remember, that even our troubles aren't permanent.

I just started following your blog, but I gave you an award...check out my blog.

Melissa said...

That is an important thing to remember, that even our troubles aren't permanent.

I just started following your blog, but I gave you an award...check out my blog.

Holly said...

I have moments where I relive certain memories of my time with her. I wish I could have some of those moments again.