Monday, January 3, 2011

Letting Go and Letting God....

I'm not sure when it happened, but I'm not angry anymore. I don't feel that dark weight on my shoulders anymore and it's a good feeling. I remember trying to fool myself into thinking that I wasn't really as angry as I was. I would go months without praying and I'm ashamed to admit was even at times angry when I would see other people's lives working out for the better.

I don't know if it's a combination of time and just being preoccupied with school but I genuinely feel better than I have the last 17 months. It's a good feeling knowing that when I pray (which is back to a regular schedule) it doesn't feel forced or out of obligation anymore. I just feel as if I've finally learned that lesson of letting go and letting God. There's not a thing that I can do change what happened but what I can change is what I do in the aftermath.

I hope that this blog can be a place where you can come and be yourself through your grief and not feel ashamed of the feelings that you're going through. I hope that this site can help in some small way. For me, if I didn't have this community to fall back on while I wade through the murky waters of bereavement I don't think I'd be here. And I mean that literally. I believe with all my heart that I would be sitting in a mental ward somewhere without the love and support I've found here. Life is hard & messy sometimes and what gets you through is God's grace but other times it's a kind word from a stranger or someone who just gets it.

Right now, today I feel a bit of acceptance. Not acceptance that my babies died, I don't think any Mother can ever fully accept that. But acceptance of the fact that I can't control what happened and that just simply; it did happen. Does that make sense? I don't know how else to articulate where I'm at now other than that. I had to let go of any sense of control I had and just trust God to do his thing. How I did that, I'm not sure but I do know that because I did I feel lighter and a bit freer. My hope is that you've found this bit of peace in letting go and letting God as well. If you havent, you'll get there all in His timing.

"Letting go doesn't mean we don't care. Letting go doesn't mean we shut down.
Letting go means we stop trying to force outcomes and make people behave.
It means we give up resistance to the way things are, for the moment.
It means we stop trying to do the impossible--controlling that which
we cannot--and instead, focus on what is possible--which usually means
taking care of ourselves. And we do this in gentleness, kindness,
and love, as much as possible." ~Melody Beattie

“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. When I let go of what I have, I receive what I need. ~Lao Tzu

“We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us.” ~Joseph Campbell


Crystal Theresa said...

I love the quotes you shared. And I've been in the place of praying/worshiping out of "obligation." I'm glad that, today, you feel that acceptance, and the lightness of giving the burden to Him. I hope this feeling stays and grows with you <3

Melissa said...

Reading this post made me smile.
I feel the weight of the load you bare - the grief I wish we did not have to know. The thought of a portion of that being lifted away is such a comfort. Thank you for sharing this.

Sweet Baby James said...

What a beautful post to read! I am so happy that this stage of your grief journey has found you. It is a peaceful feeling when you can truly Let Go and Let God take the anger of the grief process. It is a Gift that He give us. Sometimes I struggle with it trying to sneal back in but now that I know what it is to have peace in my heart I always look to him to come back to this place of peace. Praying for you everyday!

Jennifer said...

I truly loved this post! Thank you for sharing this with us. It is always better when God in charge. It is just hard to let go sometimes. xoxo

Giggles said...

Thank you for this post. I needed it.

Celia said...

I am in much the same place....feeling more at peace with things. The weight is slowly being lifted and I can see blue sky again.

Shandrea said...

I am happy that you are feeling lighter. Isn't it truly amazing what happens when we really and i mean really (not just say it and realize later that we are still holding on) give it to God. It is a very hard thing to do. I don't know how i managed to do it with certain things ( i think some things i'm still figuring out how to give to him) or even when, but when i finally realized that i did it was amazing how i felt. Sending you lots of love .

Jess said...

Hi, I just found your blog through a mutual friend's. Just wanted to drop in and say hi! I look forward to following you. Beautiful post.


Holly said...

I'm glad you've reached a point where acceptance is more within your reach. I agree that I don't think a mother ever fully accepts that her baby is gone. We want to hold on.