I'm not sure when it happened, but I'm not angry anymore. I don't feel that dark weight on my shoulders anymore and it's a good feeling. I remember trying to fool myself into thinking that I wasn't really as angry as I was. I would go months without praying and I'm ashamed to admit was even at times angry when I would see other people's lives working out for the better.
I don't know if it's a combination of time and just being preoccupied with school but I genuinely feel better than I have the last 17 months. It's a good feeling knowing that when I pray (which is back to a regular schedule) it doesn't feel forced or out of obligation anymore. I just feel as if I've finally learned that lesson of letting go and letting God. There's not a thing that I can do change what happened but what I can change is what I do in the aftermath.
I hope that this blog can be a place where you can come and be yourself through your grief and not feel ashamed of the feelings that you're going through. I hope that this site can help in some small way. For me, if I didn't have this community to fall back on while I wade through the murky waters of bereavement I don't think I'd be here. And I mean that literally. I believe with all my heart that I would be sitting in a mental ward somewhere without the love and support I've found here. Life is hard & messy sometimes and what gets you through is God's grace but other times it's a kind word from a stranger or someone who just gets it.
Right now, today I feel a bit of acceptance. Not acceptance that my babies died, I don't think any Mother can ever fully accept that. But acceptance of the fact that I can't control what happened and that just simply; it did happen. Does that make sense? I don't know how else to articulate where I'm at now other than that. I had to let go of any sense of control I had and just trust God to do his thing. How I did that, I'm not sure but I do know that because I did I feel lighter and a bit freer. My hope is that you've found this bit of peace in letting go and letting God as well. If you havent, you'll get there all in His timing.
"Letting go doesn't mean we don't care. Letting go doesn't mean we shut down.
Letting go means we stop trying to force outcomes and make people behave.
It means we give up resistance to the way things are, for the moment.
It means we stop trying to do the impossible--controlling that which
we cannot--and instead, focus on what is possible--which usually means
taking care of ourselves. And we do this in gentleness, kindness,
and love, as much as possible." ~Melody Beattie
“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. When I let go of what I have, I receive what I need. ~Lao Tzu
“We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us.” ~Joseph Campbell
Monday, January 3, 2011
Posted by The Blue Sparrow at 2:11 PM