Last night I couldn't fall asleep. I kept thinking about Bryston and 1 ridiculous thought. I know it's irrational and wont make sense to most but once it passed through my head, it's all could think about. I thought about how cold Bryston was and I never put a hat on him. Not once. A good mother would have put a hat on him....So I spent the night crying because I sent him off cold wrapped in a thin blanket and no hat.
*SIGH*
There are so many things I wish I had done with him while I had him with me. I didn't cut a lock of hair, or bathe him, or dress him. I just held him. I have no idea what his belly button looked like. How awful is that? I only unwrapped him to take the pictures, not to look him over. Doing anything more never crossed my mind. I wish it had. They even gave us a stupid hat for him but it just never occurred to me to put it on him. I think I was just to out of to think straight.
I know it doesn't really matter, that it was just his shell, so I don't know why this bothered me so much last night. I know all of this logically but it still makes my heart heavy that I didn't do more with him. I should have spent more time with him while I had the chance. I guess hindsight's 20/20, I just wish it didn't hurt so much sometimes. Ugh....guess it's one of those days.......
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Posted by The Blue Sparrow at 11:30 AM
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14 comments:
There are losts of things like that that haunt (for lack of a better word) me also! I so wish that I had put a thicker blanket on Eli. He was wrapped in a thin blanket. So many things we can think of if we choose to go there...I know it is hard not to go there. That is part of our grief. Praying for you! Hugs!
Sorry you are having one of those days. Don't feel bad that you didn't do more when you had him there. I can relate to this post so much. I often have days where I reflect on things like that. I didn't bathe Sami either, it didn't even occur to me to put a diaper on her! I dressed her but didn't put on a darn diaper. I understand you, it hurts and it sucks that we have memories like this to haunt us. In those moments I don't think we are all there, I don't think there are many loss mom's who can say they wish they would have done more. Your always in my thoughts and prayers ((HUGS)).
Jennifer these words I feel like could be my own. I myself time and time again have said this very thing. Only thing different for me is I never took his hat off to see his beautiful hair, I never unwrapped him from his blanket to get a better look at him or take more pictures of him. I was really out of it myself. They had me on alot of drugs. :( I know how you feel all too well. Just wanted you to know you are not alone at all. I too think about all the things I wish I could do over again, now that I have a clear head and can think of all those things. I hope you find some peace. Be gentle with yourself, when something as unexpected as this happens we dont tend to think of everything. I know there were many things I didnt think of until it was like 3 months later and even now I think of things that I wish I would have thought of. :(
Hugs to you!!
I had the same thought, and it sticks in my head too. I took Jordan's hat. I wanted that hat forever because it was on his head, because it smelled like him. And I also sent him off with out a hat. And the day we got home, I went straight to the store and bought him a hat. The only hat small enough for his head, and took it to the funeral home the next day. I was ashamed of myself for letting him go with out a hat. Many nights of lost sleep, and many tears over that hat. But your right, it was just his shell, and where our sweet boys are now, they never need hats! Until the day!!!!
Just sending you love! I have no words for you, but I do have love and prayers!!
Oh Jennifer, we all have these nights. The nights where the regrets creap in and steal our joy. I don't know if I did it 100 times, I would ever do it good enough. The bottom line is, nothing I could have done would change the fact that she is gone. And that is the cruelest regret...
Jennifer--I know so much how you feel. I so much wish I would have been more "hands on" after chase passed but we all held him and had our time with him before the tubes were taken out so once he passed, he was already gone in my mind and I never went back to him. I don't dwell on that part but I do think often about how much I touched, held and spoke to him and wished I had done all of that ten million times more. I felt for a long time that if I would have just picked him up and held him to my chest, he would have magically gotten better--I could have healed him or something. But instead, i was so scared of the doctors doing t heir thing and taking care of him and waiting for our time when he got better. Shock is part of it but our vision of death is also part of it and how we imagine it and handle it. Going through this as a baby loss mama has given us visions, thoughts and perspectives that only baby loss mamas can have. And I don't know one of us that would judge another for their actions or decisions at the time of the tragedy. I hurt for you and with you and want to just remind you are not alone...offering many hugs to you and Bryston.
xo
I have had the same thought - that my Meredith was cold in her grave. I know she is in Heaven, but that has bothered me over the years. I never got to hold her, but it wasn't because I didn't want to. I wanted to hold her and memorize her face. After you have been through childbirth and the death of that child, you are in a fog and can't think right. I couldn't think of all I would have wanted for her funeral. But we live day to day, cherishing what memories and mementos we do have of our children, knowing it is never enough because we want the child back so very badly. (((HUGS)))
Oh hun, love your heart! You are a wonderful mother! I think there will always be things we think of that we wish we had done. I had MONTHS to think about what I wanted to do and prepare for it, but when it came down to the time we actually had with Wyatt there are still so many things I didn't think of or just plain forgot to do when he finally made his entrance into this world and into our arms. There are things that played out completely different than I had planned that still make my physically ill when I dwell on them. There are things I noticed in pictures months later that I didn't know about Wyatt. For instance I didn't notice he never formed toe nails on any of his little toes... Or that he had one normal ear and one that was affected by his anomalies... Simple stuff that I feel like I should have noticed while I had him with me instead of discovering looking back at photos. The only thing I can say to make you feel any better (at least it makes me feel better) is that you held him. You spent the time you had with him snuggled up as close to your heart as you could get him. I remembering hugging Wyatt so close to me that I wished I could just hug him safely back inside of me. I didn't think to unwrap and memorize his body because I spent all my time trying to memorize his face so that I would remember every detail of his sweet little face forever. Still, grief does nasty things to you. Don't you ever forget that Bryston and peanut had the best mother they could have ever hoped for. You loved them (and still do) and they still know it. I believe that with all my heart.
I was watching the interview of Marie Os.mond. I saw her talk about how she dressed her son for the wake. I then thought about how I didn't do that. I began to wish I would have done that. I began to wish that I had asked to look at him just one more time before we left the funeral home the night of the wake or even the morning of the funeral. But, you did your best. You were still the perfect mom to Bryston.
It's so easy to look back and wish for the things we would've done. When you're in those moments it isn't easy to think of everything you might want to do or keep. We got so much only because we knew ahead of time and we prepared.
I am so sorry that these thoughts come for you and keep you up at night. I think the nighttime is the cruelest to us grieving mamas. I feel alot of these emotions too : why didn't I bathe her? Why didn't i have her cremated so she could be home and warm instead of cold on her hill? Why didn't I spend more time holding her when she passed? Call NILMDTS? Anything?
But then I realize that we didn't do these things because we didn't know to do them. No one is prepared to be dealt the cards we have been. There is no "right way" to hand over your child.
I totally understand the thoughts you are having, but I am so sorry you have to have them.
xx
Oh friend, I remember this pain and guilt SO vividly. I didn't put any shoes on Ella Grace. NO SHOES...the horror. I felt llike such an idiot...she was a girl and ALL girls need shoes. Also, I never unwrapped her. I was in pain and still drugged up and, well, let's face it...heartbroken, so it never occured to me to unwrap her and examin her. I don't have any idea what her feet looked like or what her elbows looked like or if she had chubby thighs.
But then my sweet husband reminded me that it didn't matter. One day, when we are reunited I will know all of those answers. Also, he told me that God was protecting me. If I had those memories they may have "haunted" me and made me more sad...thinking about all that should have been.
Friend, forgive yourself! Know that you did the very best you could do at the time and that your sweet baby is waiting for you! Hugs and prayers!
Jennifer - you are not alone in those thoughts. I can't remember how I found your blog a while back, but I think this is the first time I've posted. Bryston is so precious...what a beautiful son.
For me, I said good-bye to my angels almost 7 years ago - a son and daughter, Devin and Elizabeth, born at 22 weeks on 1/15/04. And still today - those same thoughts come to me at strange time. Why didn't I look at their belly buttons, their ears more, their toes more, their little bottoms, their little fingers....why couldn't I have more time. Why did I leave them so soon? Why didn't I take more pictures?
We were lucky that our amazing nurse took pictures so that we have something - I didn't take any myself, I didn't even have my camera with me. I am so thankful for the many pictures we have, but I want more.
I think for those of us who have lost our precious children, it could never be enough...we just didn't have enough time.
But we have to rest in the fact that we did the best we could at the time. And we DID soak up every ounce of our children that we could, because we are good mothers who love our babies. Always.
I know you know this - and in those momemnts when we have those thougths it's hard to shake them. Even years later...I still find it hard to shake them...I just wanted to reach out and let you know I'm thinking of you. Even though we've never met.
Remembering your precious little boy...
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