Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Trying to Understand

Please understand that this post isn't about judgement! I just don't understand, so please don't take this the wrong way.....

On Monday night, at class as I sat down and began to unload my 30lb book the girl next to me whispered, "You know the girl who sits in back and talks alot?" I said, "Yeah." She said, "Her baby boy died 2 weeks ago from SIDS." Stunned I said, "That's awful! How old was he?" She said, "4 months old." We doubted that she'd come to class, this girl said the other had missed her other classes too. But then in she walked.

Which, Okay, I get that. That is not what I don't get. Even if I wasn't able to muster the strength to go back to work for 2 months let alone 2 weeks, but hey we all handle things differently right? So over the next 4 hours I listened to her laugh and joke and use her son as points in an example all without flinching.

I mean, wow, I've never seen anything like this before! At 2 weeks post delivery, the mere mention of Bryston's name I had to do breathing techniques to calm myself. Again, I am not judging her here, I just am in awe of her strength and what I don't understand is how she could be so normal after something like that when I clearly wasn't, and sometimes still am not.

But something tells me that this girl is far from okay. I could read it on her swollen eyes, her raspy voice, and all around disheveled look. She is hurting. Maybe she's just trying to do anything and everything to regain a bit of normalcy. The girl next to me said that she wasn't a very good mom. To which I said, "Regardless of her parenting skills, she still didn't deserve that." I don't know this newly bereaved mom but I already feel protective of her. She's one of us now, weather or not I understand her actions. I spent most of the night fighting the urge to hug her and to tell her that it would all be alright, but I stopped myself. She was clearly doing everything she could to act as normal as possible so who am I to break that fisade?

The girl beside me later told me that one of her friends posted pictures on FB of her "dead" baby after SIDS and that she was creaped out by it. So now I'm trying to help this girl understand. I explained to her how important these pictures are to us and that we wont ever get more, so of coarse we want to share them with anyone & everyone that would care to look but I do understand why people don't like it. I get it, I do. I just wish everyone else like this girl next to me, would be just as understanding of all of us. Not everything we do is going to understand to you, and vice versa, but I wish that they would all be just a little more empathetic and not judge the things we need to do to help us heal after something this horrific.

Again, not judging the newly bereaved mom or the girl next to me in class, I just don't get it, and you know what they don't either. All I can do is to share what I do know for certain and that's simply; be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle. Wouldn't it be nice if everyone in the world lived by this too? I know I'd have been cut alot less if people did.

All I can do now is pray. For each of these girls. I'm going to hand it right on over to the Lord and let him get to work with the things that I cant do because only he can. I would love it if you would add both these girls to your prayer list.

You know, my mom always told me that when you pray for the people that really are the last people on Earth that you want to pray for that God will bless you for doing so. So even if you're like me, initially a little peeved at one of these girls and a little confused by the other, then please pray!

This post has been eating at me since Monday night and I wasn't sure if I should share it or not. I didn't want it to come off the wrong way so I hope I managed to do it the right way. :P





16 comments:

Andrea said...

You posted this the "right" way Jennifer :) My heart goes out to the girl who lost her baby. It appears that she is in denial of her actual situation....running from the pain? I did that and it DOES come back to haunt you. I too pray for this girl, as you say, she's hurting.

I suppose there will always be those who judge, but its better to do as you did and err on the side of prayer.

Much Love to you

DeniFay said...

Understanding where you're coming from and knowing that mom is probably a complete wreck and just like the rest of us is trying to make it one second at a time. Sometimes jumping back in to normal activities is the way to go, sometimes not, it's all different. I will pray for both of them, as I often do for all the people who don't understand what loss is, for them to learn (or care to learn) to be more empathetic!

Sending you love!

He & Me + 3 said...

It is hard to put yourself in someone's position, to know where they are coming from or what they are going through...so you approached this the right way I think you posted it well too.
I hope that the Mom that lost her baby gives herself time to grieve. Very sad.

Sweet Baby James said...

I agree with you Jennifer, this girl sounds like she is trying her best to be "normal"

I know that all to well. After Grace passed I had lots of family pressure to "move on" ( whatever that is) and I still struggle with this to this day. If I ever mention my daughter I get cringes and people do everything to change the subject as quickly as they can. I have gotten to where I keep Grace all to myself and even though that hurts because I want tos hare her with everyone, some people just deal with things differently.

I am sure in the quiet moments this mother is not so "happy" I will add her to my prayer list and pray for her comfort. I pray that she will be able to release the grief before it rolls over her.

Jill said...

I feel for that newly bereaved mom. I have learned not to judge others and you wrote this post perfectly. Sometimes it is hard to understand. I often thought that many probably see me as doing "okay" and moving on when that is far from the truth. They are always on our minds and we never move on from them. I agree with Andrea, it appears that she is in denial of some sort. I know many people who try to run and hide from their loss and eventually it catches up with them.

I like how you are trying to educate people. Even if it is one person at a time, you are doing something good.

Debby@Just Breathe said...

Praying for them is the best thing you can do. They will need God with them. I will also pray for these two girls. There is no way the girl who lost her baby to SIDS is okay and our world needs compassion for all the baby lost mothers. Thank you for posting this.

Lisette said...

Your post is right on, I will be praying for both of them and of course the sweet baby.

Jen said...

I am glad you stood up for her, I have been the same way about similiar situations. I also couldn't even mutter Ella's name for months and months without the tears, especially not to a group. I guess some people just want to return to 'normal' she may think it will help the pain to be back in routine? maybe slip her a little note about yourself and your babies and let her know if she wants to talk that you've been there, are there..I have heard people say things about posting and sharing dead baby pics and it infuriates me! don't look if you don't want, but DO NOT EVER judge a mother for wanting to share her child and you are right, they will never get more pics of them.. :*(

praying for these girls and for you, maybe she just needs someone to reach out to her..((hugs))

Emmy said...

"err on the side of prayer". I love that!

I had a close friend back when I lose Leila, who had also experienced a 5-month m/c. She "spent a week in bed, crying, then got on with her life". Say what?!??! How do you do that?? And the worst part was, she is my husband's assistant at work, so she spent a lot of time whispering in my husband's ear about how abnormal *I* was! Yes, I had a friend...

Good for you, praying for them. you're a bigger person than I was...

Marie W said...

Nothing wrong with the post. Good for you for trying to educate the ignorant young girls in your class. The first thought that came to mind was; "the poor girl is faking it". She wants to feel normal and get away from the overwhelming grief for a minute, so she probably figured if she "laughed" it up a bit, she would escape for a minute.....

I am keeping her in prayer. We all know how difficult is is.

PB&J said...

grief does strange things to people. I bet if you talk to her in a few months she won't even remember being in class. She is just doing what she knows to do to get by.. That is horrible for her and kind of you to pray... maybe slip her a note with your blog address or one that got you going to help. She will need you and all of us... Thinking of all of us as we journey together..

Holly said...

I'm glad you shared it. I do think the girl who lost her baby was just trying to cope and pretend everything was ok and normal. In reality she prolly is really hurting. I'll be praying for her and for the other girl too.

MB and Frank said...

thanks for sharing this jen. i think you worded it right. i know for me, i went back to work the day after quinn was born still to talk to my 3rd grade students. they needed to see that i was okay, and i needed them to be a light in the dark days. that path is not for everyone though, and i understand why people take lots of time off. my choice was to jump back into life, to come at it, to prevent it from coming at me. it was the right path for me. although she may be trying to unsuccessfully hide her pain...we know. we know it's there.

Sarah said...

After working with so many parents in the NICU that lose their babies and seeing how differently each mother handles the loss of their baby, I can see where she may be coming from.

She is grieving and sad but maybe she needs to step outside of her pain and into a little normalcy (if at all possible). I know a lot of parents that "take a break" from their pain and say that they know it is there, but just need to get away from it.

brian said...

Good post!

Mary said...

This is a good post. I don't know how you feel about this but maybe giving her a sympathy card along with some of the blogs here that have been helpful to you. Then maybe if and when she is ready she can also be educated that everything she is going through is normal. Sometimes we feel like it is just us and knowing that we are not alone makes it easier.