A few months after we lost Bryston my sister and her husband had these decals made for Ty and I. In the may lay I forgot about them, but the other night while going through some things I found them. So today I put one on my car. I love it! Thank you Jess & Adam! It's a bit off center since I did it myself and was so excited to see it finished that I didn't do much but make sure it was straight, LOL! Serves me right for not being patient! But that's okay, I still love it!
On a different note, I had a dream the other night that was a bit disturbing to say the least. I dreamt that I was at a restaurant. There were a group of women standing in a circle talking about their children. I was circling them, with an odd smile on face. Kinda creepy actually. Like they were prey or something. When you get right down to it I think this dream shows a bit of how I feel , at least at some level subconsciously. Like I'm sort of an outcast now, and definitely a bit more socially awkward. Somewhere deep down I'm scared that these women will reject me because I didn't do my job as a mommy. That my babies died and that I'm not worthy I guess? Somewhere deep down I wonder if other mommies will think that my misfortune might be contagious so its best that I be put out. That I'm a danger to them and their children somehow.
Now I know logically that this is ridiculous but it's still a fear of mine, slowly eating away at my confidence. When talking to other mommies outside of the Baby loss community and they are telling me about their children, they often stop midway through realizing that my babies are no longer here, and give their apologies to me. And I wonder, why are you apologizing? Please, Please, Please for those of you who have never gone through this, DO NOT be afraid to talk to me about your babies! There isn't a topic more interesting to me than how well your families are! I mean that with all of my heart! I don't hold it against any of you for having healthy happy families! All that I ask in return is that you listen when I'm telling you about my babies. Even if you've heard the story a thousand times before, let me. It's all I have. I don't get any more memories to make fun and cute stories to tell around the dinner table. All I have is the brief time I spent with them. I have been blessed along this road to never have had anyone not listen to my stories. In fact, I have been so lucky that people let me be me and let me bring them up, even though its a sad topic. People have generally been very good to me.
So good that sometimes I wonder if I talk too much about him sometimes, LOL! But you have to know that by letting me do that and accepting the bad with the good, you are being written onto my heart. It means so much to me when I get to talk about them! So thank you! Thank you for letting me have my moments and for sharing your families with me because it gives me hope that one day my family will be just a full as yours!
A few verses came to mind while writing this post;
"Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically. Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. When God’s people are in need, be ready to help them. Always be eager to practice hospitality."
"Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience."
Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful. And do not judge and you will not be judged; and do not condemn, and you will not be condemned; pardon, and you will be pardoned. Give and it will be given to you; good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, they will pour into your lap. For by your standard of measure it will be measured to you in return.
Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.
Weather or not people realize it, their kindness towards me is fulfilling some of these very verses. I believe to my core that God will bless all of us for our small acts of kindness's toward each other, weather we're doing it with these verses in mind or not. So again, Thank you all for blessing me each day with things like lending an ear, saying a prayer or offering a smile of encouragement. I've had days where everything seemed to be going wrong and it took all I had just to get out of bed but then someone opens a door and smiles and I somehow feel better and know that each day is worth getting out of bed for. That Bryston would want me to keep going, no matter how much I wanted to just lay down in the fetal position and give up. All the little things are what helps me the most. I can say in all honesty that without the kindness's of others I honestly don't think I'd be sitting here today.
So now I want to know, what gets you through? Weather or not you've lost a child what helps you when things just aren't going your way? Do you think its the small things or is it just maybe one thing or one person that helps you? What's the kindest thing any one's done for you? Did you know them or were they are perfect stranger?
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Posted by The Blue Sparrow at 3:43 PM