Sunday, September 26, 2010

Been awhile



It'd been awhile since I last had an emotional breakdown. In fact I couldn't tell you the last time I had one before this latest incident. In the beginning these we're as common as breathing but now I can go long stretches in between meltdowns before it hits me again. A few days ago, it hit. Out of no where as they usually do sneak up for a nasty stealth attack. I had been studying and had to use the restroom. As I walked in the restroom, I hadn't even turned on the light yet, I fell to my knees. And there I sat in the middle of our bathroom floor weeping so violently I thought I might get sick. I'm not even sure what brought it on. Grief is such a slippery little devil that sometimes it's just like that. But I do remember having one clear thought at the end of that crying spell. I thought to myself, "So after all this time, you're still here. You haven't made a damn bit of progress, have you?" And then as if I'd been hit by bulldozer, it occurred to me, yes I have! I am so beyond different and progressed emotionally now than ever before! I remembered how all I did initially was lie in bed all day, sleep and cry and if I had the strength to make it to the couch that was a good day back then. And just look at me now! I am so busy living my life that I'm lucky if I get 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep! If that isn't progress I don't know what is! I think now, that I'm lucky that this little breakdown didn't happen sooner and in a more public setting. I now think that I need to set a little time apart from my busy life just to feel. Even if it's just to feel the numbness or even dare I dream to say happiness? Lesson Learned!

Also, I wanted to take a minute and say a BIG CONGRATS to Holly on the safe arrival of her rainbow! I don't think I could ever find the right words to anyone outside of the BLM's club to convey that how special these events are! How hopeful and happy my heart feels when I see this!

Last night as I checked my email I had one from Tina, letting me know that I had won her Giveaway! Thank you Tina! I cant wait to pick something out! If you don't know Tina, I strongly suggest you check out her etsy store, Mama Mia Handstamped Jewelry, she has beautiful stuff! I'm so excited!


~Psalm 84:11-12~
For the LORD God is a sun and shield: the LORD will give grace and glory: no good thing will he withhold from them that walk uprightly.



11 comments:

Debby@Just Breathe said...

You have grown. That is evident with this post. ((HUGS)) I was so happy for Holly. Following the pregnacy of BLM's, which I know are stressful for them, they are also stressful for me. Each step of the way I am praying. I won one of Tina's necklaces and I had my blog names put on it so when people ask I can tell them about For Your Tears. I am also having a giveaway with a gift card to Mama Mia on October 15th.

butterflymom said...

I'm so sorry that you had a "sneak up" of grief again...but I'm glad you are finding ways to deal with it and be okay with it. Your entire post just sounds happier... Hugs to you, Jennifer.

Shandrea said...

I'm glad such a heavy moment brought clarity of how far you have come. Just being able to pick yourself up and realize that you have made progress is a feat( hope i spelled it righ) within itself. Sending you ((HUGS)) and love and letting you know you have an award on my blog;O)

wife.mom.nurse said...

Those days can feel like set backs and can be discouraging. I am glad that you feel that you are making many steps forward, even if there are days that you take a step back.

Praying for you friend.

~Julie

Jen said...

I have the occasional slip up too, where I look around and think its been this long and I am still @ step 1..but progress is slow and you never see how far you've came until you can slow down and truly look at where you are now..which is so far away from step 1.. :)
(((hugs))

Drew's Parents said...

You have made so much progress. I wonder if the cry that you had was a build up of all of the emotions that you have been working through. You are doing an amazing job right now, and I am sending you encouragment and hugs.
(I love the picture of the clock(s)!)

Sweet Baby James said...

Those sneak attacks are tough sometimes. You really have progressed and just the fact that you can see that for yourself is BIG too. HUGS!!

DeniFay said...

Those sneak attacks are vicious, but honey, you have definitely grown!!! I'm so happy for you and proud that we are all learning to navigate this road, and while some days/moments suck, overall, we're carrying each other through!!! Hugs!!!

Drew's Parents said...

I wanted to let you know that I awarded your blog the Lovely Blog Award. Sending you hugs!

Andrea said...

Oh Jennifer...grief comes in waves for me. Just when I think I am doing realy well something triggers me and I fall into the valley. But, as you say, I am then reminded of my progress. You, my friend, have progressed beautifully. Take that time for yourself to feel and know that I will be praying for healing to continue to come your way.

Much Love

Holly said...

Thank you so much for the congrats! We are so, so thrilled that she arrived safely! It is such a relief!

And I totally agree that those moments don't happen as often as they used to. I'm kinda glad but then sometimes it's nice to have that release too.