Where I'm at today

You know those stages of grief that all the shrinks talk about? Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and finally Acceptance. I read a little bit about them on a random website and I loved the ending statement on the page. It said, "There is no completion date to grieving...let your emotions flow through the stages of grief." How true is that! So I got to thinking about them today and trying to gauge where I think I am on that ladder. And to be honest I don't think I really know. In my opinion I think I bounce back and forth between stages quite a bit. The last few weeks I'm feeling a little better like maybe I'm in that acceptance area but before that I was in the Anger/Bargaining spot. Tomorrow I could be back in anger. I mean who really knows. That's one of the main things that I have noticed since our loss, is the inability to predict my emotions.

I have noticed that I am far more sensitive than I've ever been in my life. I've never been a big cryer but now a stupid commercial might bring me spiraling down. Or like today when Ty and I were talking/joking about his inefficiency to get dressed quickly for work, I burst out of nowhere laughing! He made a comment along with a face that I found just hysterical at the time and I laughed until I had tears streaming down my cheeks. I have never been so emotionally open before and I really cant say that it's all bad. I am more emotionally honest than I've ever been and I think that has really helped Ty and I to grow closer. I've learned what's really important in life and don't let all the small things bother me as much as I did before.

And I like that most of these websites had an overall theme, that there is no timetable for grief. That for some people it's a life long process. I like that they are backing us up on that. I just wish the rest of the world could understand that. That there isn't a certain amount of months or years when we just stop missing our babies and suddenly file them away under Tragic Memory. It made me realize how blessed I am to have the family and friends that I have. They have all be so supportive to me and let me feel open to deal with this however I choose. If anyone has a problem with it, I have yet to hear about it which is sad that some of you cant say the same. So my prayer for all of you today is for understanding from your loved ones. I pray that you will feel free to cope with your loss/es in any manner that you need, however strange it may seem to them on the outside.