Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Today I'm Sad

So Thursday is my 28th birthday and instead of being something to be celebrated all I can think is after Thursday, its exactly a month until Bryston's 1st Heavenly birthday. I mean I knew that his birthday would be emotional and hard for me, but I really didn't think it would start this soon. I have been so moody and teary this week. Poor Ty! My moods change faster than he can turn his head.

I feel like I'm at a point that there just arent any words anymore. All I have to say is; I hate this, this isn't fair, and beyond that I'm just speechless. I just feel discontented and not whole. Somethings missing and it's my baby. So all I can think is, will I ever be happy again? I mean really truly happy in this life?

Today I sit here and I feel as if I've made no progress. I feel the same as I did nearly 11 months ago. Lost and broken and wondering how I will survive this. So I guess it's just a hard day in a hard week on the way to even harder days ahead. I just want to be done with this, to lay it all down and walk away, but I know that's impossible. No one can just walk away from somthing like this and be fine. So I'm doing the best I can today, and that's all that I can do. I think I need some prayers and a really amazing sparrow visit today.

So because I'm sad I found some sad art; because lets face it, misery does love company.

These pieces make me wonder why the artist are so sad? Who did they loose? Looking at these it's feels nice to see what I'm feeling expressed in art and that the artists get it somehow, ya know? Sorry to be so depressing today, I know I havent blogged in a few days then to come back on such a low note, isnt much fun so I apologize. Its just one of those weeks. Thanks for listening anyway!

~Psalms 126:5-6~
They that sow in tears shall reap in joy. He that goeth forth and weepeth, bearing precious seed, shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him.


Shandrea said...

Sending you hugs and prayers. Hoping that you get your sparrow visit.

Andrea said...

Sweetest Jennifer,

I am SO sorry that your heart is heavy...I understand. The days leading up to Christian's first Heavenly Birthday were so difficult. I kept trying to make sense of all the pain in my life and find justification...there just isn't any. It HURTS. I cried so hard and felt all those emotions I did the day I learned his heart was not beating. Oh the emotional rollercoaster.

I too ask the infamous question "WIll I EVER BE HAPPY AGAIN? Somedays I feel the answer is no, but the resilient spirit that lies within me, guided by the grace of GOD, tells me differently. I have FAITH in our journies and I have HOPE in our futures :) We will feel happiness again and I pray God showers you with it very soon.

Thinking of you and sending you love...and prayers.


Sweet Baby James said...

Praying for you! Sharing your heart is a good thing and I will pray that your birthday will be a day of peace for you.

Monica said...

Hugs Jennifer, I'm so sorry it's been so rough. Praying that your comfort will come soon <3

Just Breathe said...

Jennifer, I am so sorry. It's not fair! I wish I had something that would help you. Your are in my thoughts and prayers. ((HUGS))

caitsmom said...

Oh, sweet mommy, I'm so sorry. Never feel like you should apologize for how you feel. You get to be sad, if that's how you feel then that's what is. (((hugs))) the images you chose were so expressive and I hope that you found some comfort in these. Peace.

Tiffany said...

Yes, I am glad to be weak or insulted or mistreated or to have troubles and sufferings, if it is for Christ. Because when I am weak, I am strong.
2 Corinthians 12:10

Quoted from the Purpose Driven Life " Whenever you feel weak, God is reminding you to depend on him."

Always praying for you. I know that the loss of a child is hard and I have never forgotten my first born. You too will find the strength.

Jen said...

You have made progress, its just hard to see when we have a bad days..Birthdays are so hard..I wish he was here with you..((hugs))

klarsen said...

Sending you hugs, love and prayers xxx

Lilly's Mom (Desiree) said...

praying for you...

wife.mom.nurse said...

Oh, how I wish I could bear the burden of just a measure of your pain my friend.

As Bryston's birthday approaches I can see the intensity of your pain skyrocketing. I know that you have learned much about grief over the past year... so, you have probably anticipated this. But, it doesn't make it any easier. The one thing that knowledge does help with this downturn is that you can know that something has not gone terribly wrong with your mind, with your emotions...sadly, this increased despair is very common at this point in time.

I am lifting you and Ty in prayer as you remember your precious babies.

Please do not apologize for sharing your real feelings...we are here for you.


Anonymous said...

I am so very sorry for you. Thinking of you and hoping for comfort.

And you shouldn't have to be sorry either, you are entitled to be sad.

Holly said...

Gosh, it was emotional for me leading up to Carleigh's 1st birthday. It was prolly about a month before too. (((hug))

DeniFay said...

Understanding that sadness. I'm sorry you're feeling so blue! Wish I could do something to eleviate it for you, but know you're on my radar!!

Laura said...

No apologizes! Moments like that will come and they will go but one thing that will always remain is your amazing love! Thinking of you and sad that you are sad. Hang in there!
Together on the journey.

Lisette said...

((HUGS)) A little late... but I hope you were able to enjoy your birthday (somewhat).

Praying for joy in your heart.

Nan & Mike said...

July 24th last year was my due date for my girls, its a tough day for me also, but I know what you are going through and their 1st birthday was the hardest. Do your best the embrace the feelings and emotions and you will navigate this in your own beautiful way. I do agree misery loves company, its so easy to feed into the negative and lay in the bed and weep instead of trying to stand upright...you are a sweet soul and we will pray you get through all of this....lifting you up friend. Love, Nan xxx