Monday, April 19, 2010

Just Wondering???

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For those of you who have recently lost a child please skip this post. I do not want to offend you and the following might be hurtful for you to read.
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I'm just wondering, is it normal that I am handling Peanut's loss better than Bryston's? I feel awful that I don't feel worse. Why is Peanut so much easier? Is it because I was so early with her and went so much farther with Bryston? I wanted Peanut very badly, so why am I doing so well with this? Did I not have enough time to bond with her? I don't want her to think that she was wanted any less. That I loved her any less. So why do I feel this way? Have any of you felt this way too? Does this make me a bad person or a bad mom? I really hope not. I just don't understand why most of my thoughts are centered around Bryston and not Peanut. Please don't misunderstand, I grieved the loss of Peanut and it was hard initially but now its just different. I wish I had the right words to explain this. I'm ashamed that I'm not taking her loss harder because she really truly wasn't less wanted or less loved. Am I the only one who is feeling like this? Is this okay or is there something wrong here?




21 comments:

JamieW said...

I had two m/c's before my son and then a full term loss and another m/c so in many ways I am in a similar situation. I agree that I haven't felt this loss quite as deeply or maybe it would be correct to instead say that I haven't felt as much grieve over the child that I don't get to raise. Instead I grieve the loss of hope and being sent back to an ugly place.

I think what you feel is normal and I am so sorry you are in this situation If you would ever like to discuss more please feel free to email me at wadingonin@gmail.com

Daddy's Dream ~Mommy's Miracle said...

Jennifer,
I lost Braxton at full-term, and then I had a tubal pregnancy 4 months later. I totally understand what you are saying. They just weren't the same feelings. It is normal to feel this way. Hugs and Prayers

Brie said...

Jennifer,

I'm right there with you. I had a MC in Feb 2008 @ 9 weeks..I mourned for a long long time..Then i got pregnant with another baby. I delivered a still born daughter, Denise on May 18, 2009..All of a sudden, the grief I felt over my first loss was overshadowed by the grief of losing a baby that I could touch and feel. I then M/C on what was to be my due date with Denise in Sept 2009. Otehr than teh compounding feeling of defeat and "whats wrong with this picture?" I haven't been able to feel that my 3rd pregnancy warranted any grief on my end. It's like a side note.."oh yeah, I lost a 3rd baby". I am not sure why I feel any less connected to the 3rd loss than I did from #1 and especially #2..so just know that although we want answers, we may never know why one thing bothers us more than something else.

Marie W said...

OMG Jen, I could have written this post. I did feel that way after losing Evan. I did not love him any less, but handled it better that I did with losing AJ. I think we were more prepared for it. We know the grieving process and knew what to expect, which ultimately made the grieving process easier. Thinking of you.

Mary said...

Give yourself some slack Jennifer. YOu had the chance to know Bryston so much longer. I think your feelings are very normal. Let yourself feel and grieve differently for each precious baby...

JenJen said...

I never had an early miscarriage but I know that I've read and spoken to women who've had an early miscarriage and a stillborn and they all say that felt that way...I think with an early miscarriage you've had less time to bond with them...you haven't felt them move...I think it would be natural to feel the way that you're feeling ((hugs)) thinking of you, peanut and Bryston...

DeniFay said...

I feel the same way about my first loss versus my second loss. I think about Layla way more than I do Michael. I think for me it was the fact that there was so much more hope the first time. I had that innocense that you no longer have with another pregnancy. I don't think I bonded as well with the second and I've never been as sad about him. More than anything I was madder the second time, just mad that it would happen again.

Thank you for writing something that is really hard to say! You are brave and beautiful! None of our children are less wanted than the others but I believe our perspectives may be different each time. Sending you love!

Lisa and Jonathan said...

I understand exactly how you feel. I had three loses before Jasper and go through the same thing. All my thoughts and feeling are focused on Jasper. I know I love and wanted all of my babies. I think it is because I had time to bond with Jasper. My three loses were all before 6 weeks so I never even got to see them on an ultrasound or even got a chance to process that I was really pregnant. I do still remember all of their due dates and when I lost them. I even still have all the pregnancy tests that I took when I found out.

Mary Ellen said...

Totally normal. We had 2 losses before Grace and 1 after. I think there is a different bonding that happens when you can see their faces. I certainly wanted each child deeply and loved them no less than Grace but it is different.

Andrea said...

Sweetest Jennifer,

My thoughts are that when you lose your first child its beyond devastating and when you lose again you are aware of what that deep loss feels like. And, you know what is to come. Does this make any sense?

As a Mother, you don't love peanut any less...its just complicated. Deni posted the same thing about Layla and Michael. During a first pregnancy we still have our innocence and after that we are stripped of it. And, when you hold that little life in your hands it changes everything.

Sending you love and prayers...

Tina said...

I think this is completely normal. I had 3 m/c before I lost my twins. They were all at 12 weeks or sooner and although I was sad and cried, losing my girls has been much more traumatic for me. I then had another m/c after the twins (again very early on) and I was sad, but it wasn't the same for me. Like someone said above, having that baby that is tangilble makes a huge difference. It leaves you with a different emptiness than a m/c. They are both losses, just different in many ways. At least this is how it is for me. xx
One more thing...I think after losing a baby your expectations are a little different for future pgs, so maybe your mind and heart are a little more "prepared" for another loss. (Not that you can ever be prepared for it, but you know what I mean.)

Mackenzie's Mommy said...

I think it must be normal. I lost Mackenzie at 41 weeks then had a tubal/ectopic pregnancy 6 months later. I barely even cried. Actually I cried hard over that loss once and that was just the other night (4 months later). I think I never believed that baby was going to make it so there was always a disconnect. I also think it's the short amount of time we had with them. And honestly, my world is still in pieces...you don't feel the break as much when you're already broken. I mostly grieved for the loss of my tube & because I felt incapable & like a failure. Grief is a tricky thing. No emotion is wrong. Hope all these comments bring you peace <3

Michelle said...

i'm not a mom, so although i can't understand as well, i'm also a little less biased.

personally, i think what you're feeling is natural, for 2 reasons. first, with your first loss, you can associate that with a specific person. there's a NAME, a FACE, you felt movements, there are more memories. your second loss was still your child, still loved, but when you think of the loss, it's GENERAL, not specific.

second, the very fact that you'd dealt with the loss of a child before can make it easier to deal with the second time. i am in NO WAY comparing the loss of a child to the loss of a grandparent, but for me, losing the first one was rough. losing the one i had the most memories with was the worst. so although it's a much different loss, it's the same concept.

- michelle

Britt said...

I can completely relate. I had an early m/c, a blighted ovum & then Ella Grace was stillborn at 21 weeks. I am sad about the first 2, but the pain doesn't compare to losing Ella Grace. I can't say anything that the other's haven't said, but I am so sorry!

Shandrea said...

I felt the same way when i lost xavien. Sometimes i think it's b/c i knew what to expect, but i am not sure, i do know that i took her loss better than i took camron's. But that doesn't mean i love her any less than him. But though I was devastated at my second loss i am glad God allowed me to be a little stronger than the first time.

Jess said...

I too think what you are feeling is completely normal, Jen. My first pregnancy ended in early miscarriage, and I did grieve the loss quite a bit at first, but the grief wasn't as long-lasting. Although our first baby was so loved and wanted, I don't feel pain associated with that loss today. Eliana was stillborn at nearly 26 weeks, and it has been so very different. I definitely had more time to bond, and also felt like I really "knew" her in some ways, after feeling her moving, knowing her gender and name, and ultimately having the experience of giving birth to her, holding her, and having to let her go and bury her. Both babies were equally wanted, but I think it makes perfect sense that the losses would have a different effect on you (and I) in the aftermath. I know I will always feel some sadness associated with losing Eliana, and I look forward to meeting both of them in heaven, as you will with your two precious babes!! You are a great Mommy, and clearly love them both so much.

GeraldF_Rotter雅慧 said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Once A Mother said...

oh hon, i handled my first loss (an early m/c) much better than losing peyton. both children were dearly wanted. i don't think you should second guess yourself in any way for how you are handling either. you know you loved and wanted both peanut and bryston... that's all that matters.

Holly said...

I agree w/ everyone. I think it's normal and ok to feel that way.

Jody said...

There is no wrong way to grieve the loss of any child.
There is no rhyme or reason to any of it. The comment made above is correct- what matters is that you loved and wanted each child.

Big hugs!

Jennifer said...

Jennifer, I haven't touched base with your posts in a while...I'm a nurse in a high school with young moms and girls who have had losses too. You feel - I think that's all that can be said. There's no measuring pain, loss, sadness, love. Your love is there along with your feelings. It's who you are and you're being the best loving woman you can be and I'm so very proud of you even though we have never met. I just know I'd be happy to call you "friend". With Love and Prayers, Jennifer jennsthreegraces