Saturday, April 24, 2010

9 Months

9 months of tears

9 months of pleading with God

9 months of wondering why

9 months of sparrow visits

9 months of too few ups and way too many downs

9 months of waiting

9 months of empty arms

9 months of hoping he can hear

9 months of being an angle mommy

9 months of watching the world pass him by

9 months of endless minutes without him

9 months too many......



Well its official, Bryston has now been gone for longer than we had him with us. I knew it would come but was hoping that I might still be able to wake up from a bad anesthesia trip in the hospital in time to greet my little man, but we all know that that's not happening. This is a weird feeling. Knowing that I've gone without him longer than I actually had him. I'm not sure how to put it into words. It just is and it sucks. So what now? Is it always going to be like this? Counting down the time away from him? I hate this. I hate that all I can ever say about Bryston is what I've already said a million times before. I won't ever get to tell new stories or take new pictures or make new memories with him. God this just really isn't fair! When does my life get to be easy for a change? Why am I always the one with the short straw? I know I'm being whiny here but c'mon! Seriously, whats next God?! Here's where I want to stomp my foot and shake my fist, but really why? God is in control and I cant do a thing to change any of this. I just wish that I could be more, I don't know, accepting of his plans for me. Its just hard when the plan so far is this. I want a re-write and I want it NOW!






15 comments:

Daddy's Dream ~Mommy's Miracle said...

Jennifer,

My heart breaks for you. Please know that you are added in my prayers frequently. Beauty will come from the ashes, but in the mean time, I know how hard this is. It is ok to be angry and it is ok to cry! Hugs

Lisette said...

I am so sorry Jennifer, ((HUGS))

Kathi said...

I too wish we could make new memories with our children. Thinking of today as you remember Bryston

He & Me + 3 said...

I know it has been so long for you. ((hugs)) my friend. Praying for you.

Nan & Mike said...

IM so sorry honey. When we hit these 'dates', it hits hard. You are navigating it to the best of your ability, but I wish you had a re-write too. Hugs, Nan xxx

Britt said...

I am so sorry! This path isn't fair and some days it seems like the WHOLE world is against us. You are not alone in feeling that God's "plan" isn't the plan you signed up for! I am praying for you RIGHT now!

Andrea said...

I'd like to shake my fist as well, but opt to allow him to direct my steps....and cling to FAITH.

Sending you love, as these dates are more than difficult. SO hard.

God Bless You Sweet Friend,
xoxo

Just Breathe said...

You whine all you want, you have every reason to. I am so sorry for what you are going through and it sucks. My prayers are with you. ((HUGS))

Stephanie said...

I get it...I really do. I too am feeling as if the words I write are beginning to sound like a broken record ~ but I still am feeling it all.

You are allowed to hate it, feel it, whine, cry, be mad at God. Remember, He is big enough to handle it. We are moms that have a huge part of our lives that is now missing. Not fair...so not fair.

Mary said...

You have every right to be angry. There is nothing fair about this. We all have our days of strength and weakness. Sometimes the harder days seem to weigh more. (hugs)

bonnellepagel said...

How I wish I had the right words to say... words that would make it all better... words that would heal the hurt... but I don't.. and I don't want to send out some cliche' that will sound hollow. Instead I offer another comment from another mom who understands... I offer a hug through cyberspace and will pray that God will bring the healing that only He can.

Mary Ellen said...

Praying for you everyday. I know all we share in this world is the grief of our babies but I think that can be pretty strong. So just know that you are prayed for everyday!

April said...

((hugs))
I wanted you to know I've given you a blog award! :) Come to my blog to see :)

Holly said...

THinking of your little boy. ♥

Sending you a (((hug)))

Once A Mother said...

I want a rewrite too! (stomping my feet alongside you) It is so unfair. You are just the sweetest and I hate that you have had to suffer so much loss. It is so, so unfair. Your said "9 months of hoping he can hear" I may not have any other answers, but that one I know for sure. He can hear you. I promise he can. Sending you prayers for peace in your heart.
xx