Have you had one of those Ah-ha moments in life when everything just seems to click and you just seem to get it? Well I had one of those moments today. I was sitting on my porch reading and all of a sudden a thought popped into my head. Its not like its a new revelation or anything. I've heard this before, but it just all of a sudden made complete sense and I got it in a way I've never gotten it before.
How could I have even for one minute let the loss of my babies separate me from God? He of all people gets it. He's been in my shoes. He lost his son too! He gets it. Of coarse He is mourning with me, not only for me, but for his own lost child and children. Bryston and Peanut were not just my children, they were children of God first!
Ever since July, I have been struggling with this separation that I've felt between God and myself. Don't get me wrong, my faith is strong, but it was just different somehow. Lately when I pray, its more about others. I don't talk to Him the way I use to or rely on Him as much as I had before. And now I know why. I think that I have been wrongly putting space between us because on some level I still blame Him a bit, even though I know that's ridiculous on all levels but I still felt it all the same.
And as if to prove this point, as I kept reading the story began to reiterate this theme. It was like God was highlighting the words in neon yellow before my eyes. Parents who have survived their children understand God in a way that someone who hasn't can never understand God. I should be leaning more on God because He truly gets it. He knows my loss and feels it himself. Duh! How did I miss that?
AH-HA! Light bulb On High Beam! I get it!
I just love it when God intervenes in life this way. It's always been one of my favorite things about Him. That just when you least expect it, there He is. It's like needing to hear a specific song in your car and the first station you turn to, its just starting so you don't miss a bit of it. I love that. That's what it was like today. An old favorite songs that I've heard a million times before but this time, I noticed that the lyrics didn't mean quite what I thought they did. So basically, today I got a great big hug from ABBA himself!
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Posted by The Blue Sparrow at 5:41 PM