Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Vanishing Acts

I am in the middle of reading a book by Jodi Picoult called Vanishing Acts. I picked this up at Target a few weeks back. Standing in the crowded isle there reading the back of the book I was drawn in. Why, because its about a missing child.

While I know its not healthy or even productive, I sometimes imagine that Bryston was switched at birth and is out there somewhere alive and happy with another family who is completely unaware of their misfortune. When I imagine this scenario, I feel relieved. A. Because he is alive and B. Because in this scenario I will one day find him and be reunited with him and live the life that I was suppose to have had. I know that this fantasy does nothing to help me, but at the time it feels good. It feels good to imagine him alive and healthy and to imagine that one day soon all this hurt will disappear when I find him. I am not unbalanced or insane, I do know that this will never happen but like I said, it feels good to imagine it.I cant dispute the fact that the child they brought me, was an identical match for Ty and I. He was most defiantly our child, not someone else's. I guess it's like the way it feels good to a drug addict to have the one thing that he knows will ultimately kill him one day, one more taste.

This book is really striking a cord with me. There are all of these paragraphs that I totally get. One of them being, "I don't know why they call it getting lost. Even when you turn down the wrong street and find yourself at the dead end of a chain link fence or a road that turns to sand, you are somewhere.It just isn't where you expected to be." Another describing the anger felt along with despair "Let me tell you when you cook down the syrup of loss over the open fire of sorrows; it solidifies into something else. Not grief, like you'd expect or even regret, No, it gets thick as paste, black as ash, yet is isn't until you dip your finger in and feel that sharp taste dissolving on your tongue that you realize that this is anger, in it's purest form, unrefined; a substance to be weighed and measured and spread." That I get. That I understand. I have and am feeling both lost and angry. I get how you want the entire world to feel just as angry and lost and sad as you do. How it's so unfair and cruel that the world doesnt just stop revolving becuase your child died. That that very child isnt important enough for the rest of the poplulation to just stop one damn minute, even though your world did in fact stop moving. My life is and has been on pause. I dont know how to hit the play button anymore and Im not sure that I even want to. Because here, at least in some small way, I can be with my babies.

I'm not finished with the book, only halfway through, but I love the twists and turns the plot is unfolding. I have read her books before and she was a fast favorite for me. I love how she takes these controversial topics and tells it from all angles and everyone side. You start the book just knowing where you stand but by the end your not so sure anymore. I would love to see how she would write a book on stillbirth/miscarriage. I highly recommend any of her books. If you like fiction books, you wont be disappointed, I promise.

A few passages that are bringing me a little peace;

Psalm 22:24
For he has not despised or disdainedthe suffering of the afflicted one;he has not hidden his face from him but has listened to his cry for help.

Proverbs 14:32
When calamity comes, the wicked are brought down, but even in death the righteous have a refuge.

Lamentations 3:31-33
For men are not cast off by the Lord forever.Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love.For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men.


He & Me + 3 said...

Sounds like a good book...I bought my cousin one of her books for Christmas. I saw the movie Sisters keeper too and that was awesome. I hear the book is even better.

Holly said...

I'm not sure if I've read any of her books but I've heard she's a good author. That first quote you shared makes a lot of sense. You're never really lost. You're always somewhere.

Once A Mother said...

in response to the comment you left me... i think they will work together to send you the signs. the moment that baby was conceived, she was yours. it doesn't matter how long you carried her. she, like Bryston, will find ways to show her mommy love and support.

Thinking of you.

Bree said...

She's my absolute favorite author. I've read all of her books numerous times. Apparently in her newest book due out later this year, a baby is stillborn.

The Blue Sparrow said...

Are you serious Bree? Do you happen to know the name of it? Id love love love to read that!

Nan & Mike said...

Im terrible at staying committed to a book. Maybe one of these days I will finally break down and buy all of these wonderful books I have been suggested to read...thank you for adding another to the list (seriously, thanks!), and its also good to know that writers are using their avenues for awareness. Hugs xo

DeniFay said...

Well, now I'll have to read that one!! Be sure & let me know about the new one coming out. I especially likes your Lamentations verse! And I identified so clearly with the quote on anger! Tonight was a rough one, I usually keep it together until I'm alone, but when my husband told me about someone else being pg, I literally cried in public at the table! It was awful & I couldn't stop it! I wish these bad days would go, but I never want to forget my babies! Sending love to you!!

Ebe said...

It was after a long time and a lot of anger (which I still struggle with) that I began to see Heaven in such a different way. Bryston is living, he is happy. A carefree free little boy with a wonderful life.

Knowing this doesn't make me miss my son any less...but it does create a lovely picture in my head, my heart- knowing that he's okay and safe. He is truly living.

I hope today is peaceful.

Missing Bryston with you,

House of Collinsworth said...

Thank you so much for the beautiful Willow Tree figurine! I have a whole collection of these on a shelf in my kitchen, but I did not have this one. I love it! And it will serve as a reminder to me to pray for you daily. Thank you so much, sweet friend.

Once A Mother said...

so much of those passages resonated with me, as do your feelings right now. I am angry. I am lost. I don't see any forward movement, only a continued sense of pause. I wish you never had to feel this pain. I wish your sweet Bryston was here with you. I know I only know you through the blogs, but I know you are a really good person. Tonight, especially for some reason, I am really feeling such a heavy heart over your losses. Sending you a big, big hug.

Karen said...

I'm glad you wrote about this book. One of my friends from years ago who has been a huge support (and I haven't seen in 20 years btw) on FB shared with me that her next oldest brother went missing on a camping trip - she was two and he was five - two older brothers in their family. They've never found him. Not a trace. I think about that loss and pain and grief of babyloss and the disappearance of a child - wow. We all understand each other despite the differences. Wishing Bryston was with you. xoxo

Missing Kasey said...

I am not a fan of her... a child always dies...(in the 2 I read) Thinking of you and sweet Bryston.



wife.mom.nurse said...

i love the way you share the scriptures that bring you comfort.

You may want to stay away from my post today. You have enough of a burden.

I pray for much comfort for you and many blessings to you in 2010.

With love and prayer,

brian said...

"For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men..."

Life verse for 2010?