Me In A Nutshell

I just felt like today I needed a change a pace. Instead of posting on my losses I wanted to share what I do have. A great family and a great husband and I am blessed to have a job that pays the bills when most do not. (This may be a long one:D)

I grew up in the same small town that I am living in today. A town in southwest Iowa with a population roughly 5000. You'd have to drive an hour for a grande mocha latte from Starbucks or a pair of designer jeans from the mall. I know most of the faces that I pass at the grocery store and I couldn't tell you the last time a murder took place here. The front page headline of our local paper usually shows the latest school activity, corn/bean prices, or the weather which of late has graced our headlines more than Id care to admit. Its a sleepy little town in Iowa. Exactly what you'd expect to find in any other small town across America.


My parents married young and I have 2 older sisters. My family is amazing. My parents have been married for 37 years with no sign of slowing down anytime soon. There marriage and love for one another is the outline I measure my life and all my relationships against. We were raised in the church and knew the value of having high morals and hard work. My oldest sister, Michelle is married with 3 kids. She lives in the next town over, a total of a 5 minute drive away. The middle sister, Jessica is married with 3 kids and one on the way. She lives currently in Alabama and will be moving to Indiana very soon. And then there is me, married with 2 babies in Heaven and none living.

Michelle is the typical older sister, a take charge kind of woman. She will have your back faster than you can ask her to. She and I are 10.5 years apart. Jess is the very definition of a middle sister. The peacekeeper and the softhearted soft spoken voice of reason in the family. Jess and I are 1.5 years apart. And me, well as the youngest I'm not sure exactly how to explain my role. I am the baby, someone to be taken care of I guess. My life has always been an open book. I am pretty blunt and to the point most of the time. I am indecisive. I will mule over choices for months but then in a second make a choice and that's it. There is no talking me out of it. I am generally a glass half full kinda gal, but of late its been hard to see it that way. I miss the innocent happy girl I use to be. Even in the most difficult of situations, I would find the silver lining. I hope that one day, I can get back to that.

In 2005 I left a nightmare of a relationship and struck it out on my own for the first time in my life. Up until then, I had never lived on my own. I'd always had a roommate or a live in boyfriend to help take care of me. I thought that I needed someone to be there to do so already but the latest boyfriend had made it clear that I was worthless and in no way would ever make it on my own and no one would ever love me the way that he did. Yeah, nice huhn? But I believed that for a long time. When I finally left I was so scared. I needed to prove to myself that he was wrong. And I did. (Insert Applause)I changed jobs and I managed to get all my bills paid and have not much but a little left over. I was so proud of myself! I had a new confidence in myself that I hadn't had for a very very long time. I was so over needing anyone at that point that I was happy on my own. And that's when I met Ty. (Insert Collective Awwws)

One look at this man and I was all in. No indecision there on my part. We met on Labor Day 2005 and have been together ever since. He was working the derby(Redneck gathering to smash cars, but alot of fun. You can laugh if you want, I would!)as a fireman. I was in the audience and he walking around the dirt pit in his bunker gear. He was so handsome! He passed without so much as glancing my way, but I still got a good look at those soft brown eyes of his. They were so kind and honest that I blushed when my sister, Michelle, caught me staring. I laughed it off and told her he was a hot fireman. (To this day, my nephew Connor calls Ty the hot fireman!) Michelle knew some of the other firemen and asked one passing by for Ty's story. Of coarse, this fireman told Ty all about this encounter. I spent the rest of the derby blushed and trying desperately not to look over at the group of firemen staring in my direction. My sister gave the fellow fireman my number to give to Ty, yes I knew she going to do this, I asked her to. I had had just about enough embarrassment for the day so I left secretly hoping that he'd call very soon. And he did. That same night. We met up and had a great night getting to know one another.

Our first date, we went to an airshow in his hometown. I met his entire family that day! I still tease him about that but I was secretly impressed that he'd allow this. I just kept thinking that there had to be a catch, something wrong with him because no one is this perfect. He later admitted that he was thinking the same thing and was just waiting for the other shoe to drop. He'd had his share of rough relationships as well but we both knew what we wanted and what we absolutely did not want.

We were married at sunset on September 15, 2007 in an outdoor ceremony. Well almost outdoors, we had one of those big canopy tents with a gazebo as our alter. It was freezing that day but I didn't care. I was marrying the man of my dreams and we were going to live out the rest of our lives like a fairytale, I knew that no matter what troubles we faced that we would have each other. But in my fairytale, I never imagined dead children.





You know how the story goes; "Ty and Jenny sitting in tree, first came love then K-I-S-S-I-N-G!" That's how our story went at least at first. We married and within a year and a half, roughly, we were blessed with those 2 pink lines. I was scared. Really scared at the fact that I would be responsible for another human beings life. I was going to have to teach this little one about life and love and what it meant to live in this fallen world with grace and humility. Ty and I had agreed to wait on having kids. We just wanted to enjoy us for awhile so this news was a shock. In fact we weren't even sure if we wanted children. But here we were. And in less than nine months ready or not we had to be ready. It took me awhile to adjust to the idea of a baby. To this day I still wonder if that's why all of this happened. Because I really wasn't ready. Maybe I wouldn't have been a very good mother. Maybe I wasn't equipped to the job. I don't know but then again, I guess that's a whole different post. Today is about what I have been blessed with. Within a years time I became a mother, twice, to 2 angel babies that I will never know beyond the womb. I was blessed to become a mom regardless of the outcome. And for that, I am grateful. I know what it is to love someone more than I love myself. I was blessed to feel these miraculous creatures inside of me. Isn't that the real miracle here? In a year I have held two souls within my own. If there is no God then tell me how this is possible?

I have been blessed with a God who knows my shortcomings and still loves me regardless of them. He loved me enough to give me a glimpse into what it is like to love a child. I get it and I am so beyond grateful that I had that chance. I grew up with a loving family, I have a loving husband, and I have 2 babies that are being loved by someone with more love and kindness than I could have ever given them. If I cant love them here with me, at least I know that they are truly okay and maybe just maybe God has taught them to love me the same way he does, regardless of all of my shortcomings.


Bryston Ray 7/24/09

My sweet Peanut 12/21/09