While walking into work yesterday I passed a huge snowdrift and I shivered. I thought to myself how cold it is this morning. Then my mind went there. I thought, Bryston's grave decorations are probably hidden in all the snow. My next thought was then, how he must be so cold down there! I'm glad, at least, that he has a blanket that he's wrapped up in.
But that last thought is the problem. I realized that beside the fact that I know it was thin and that he was wrapped in it, I cannot remember one distinguishable characteristic of this blanket. I know that it was light colored, but did it have any designs on it? What color were the designs or the background? How awful is this, that I cant remember his blanket? I asked Ty if he remembered and he said he wasn't sure but he thought that it was plain white, but I don't think that's right. It doesn't feel right.
Why cant I remember this? It's been almost 5 months, not quite, but almost. You would think that I could remember this. I hate myself for forgetting! What will I forget next? I'm worried that his face, smell, or the way that he felt in my arms, the lightness of his weight against me will be next.
Why didn't I keep him in the room with me longer! If I had maybe I'd remember his blanket! I wish I had not sent him off with the nurse that same night. I just kept telling myself that if I didn't do it now that I would never be able to do it later. I felt that I needed to rip it off like a band aide almost. How stupid of me. I would give anything for more time with him now.
He was beginning to get cold. I could feel it through his blanket and I couldn't stand the feel of it. Ty stood beside me as we held our beautiful son one last time, kissed him and placed him in that rolling bassinet all wrapped up in this blanket. We took a single rose out of an arrangement that we received and put it in the bassinet with him. The nurse asked several time if we were sure. We said we were and had to push the bassinet towards her for her to accept that we were. We stood there in tears as we watched her roll our son away. The last time I laid eyes on my son was through blurry eyes. They asked us the next morning and the morning that I was released if we'd like to see him again. We said no. I thought that if I held him again that I wouldn't be able so send him back. That I might go mad a bit and run out of the hospital with him.
I wish I had said yes to seeing him again. I wish he was here now and all of this would be a vague bad dream that I had last night. I hate that I cant hold him in my arms and rock him to sleep tonight.
I was bothered all day long yesterday by this and today is no better. I wish I could remember his blanket, is all. I am bothered by the fact that I could forget even on detail from that day. It makes me feel even more like a failure as his mommy. In my mind I know that's a lie, but my heart feels the weight of it like a ton of bricks today. I pray to God that I wont forget anything else.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Posted by The Blue Sparrow at 12:04 PM