Monday, December 14, 2009

While walking into work yesterday I passed a huge snowdrift and I shivered. I thought to myself how cold it is this morning. Then my mind went there. I thought, Bryston's grave decorations are probably hidden in all the snow. My next thought was then, how he must be so cold down there! I'm glad, at least, that he has a blanket that he's wrapped up in.

But that last thought is the problem. I realized that beside the fact that I know it was thin and that he was wrapped in it, I cannot remember one distinguishable characteristic of this blanket. I know that it was light colored, but did it have any designs on it? What color were the designs or the background? How awful is this, that I cant remember his blanket? I asked Ty if he remembered and he said he wasn't sure but he thought that it was plain white, but I don't think that's right. It doesn't feel right.


Why cant I remember this? It's been almost 5 months, not quite, but almost. You would think that I could remember this. I hate myself for forgetting! What will I forget next? I'm worried that his face, smell, or the way that he felt in my arms, the lightness of his weight against me will be next.

Why didn't I keep him in the room with me longer! If I had maybe I'd remember his blanket! I wish I had not sent him off with the nurse that same night. I just kept telling myself that if I didn't do it now that I would never be able to do it later. I felt that I needed to rip it off like a band aide almost. How stupid of me. I would give anything for more time with him now.

He was beginning to get cold. I could feel it through his blanket and I couldn't stand the feel of it. Ty stood beside me as we held our beautiful son one last time, kissed him and placed him in that rolling bassinet all wrapped up in this blanket. We took a single rose out of an arrangement that we received and put it in the bassinet with him. The nurse asked several time if we were sure. We said we were and had to push the bassinet towards her for her to accept that we were. We stood there in tears as we watched her roll our son away. The last time I laid eyes on my son was through blurry eyes. They asked us the next morning and the morning that I was released if we'd like to see him again. We said no. I thought that if I held him again that I wouldn't be able so send him back. That I might go mad a bit and run out of the hospital with him.

I wish I had said yes to seeing him again. I wish he was here now and all of this would be a vague bad dream that I had last night. I hate that I cant hold him in my arms and rock him to sleep tonight.

I was bothered all day long yesterday by this and today is no better. I wish I could remember his blanket, is all. I am bothered by the fact that I could forget even on detail from that day. It makes me feel even more like a failure as his mommy. In my mind I know that's a lie, but my heart feels the weight of it like a ton of bricks today. I pray to God that I wont forget anything else.


Jus and Kat said...

When it comes to Dylan and the time that we were blessed to spend with him, I am mortified by the fear that as the days, months, and years tick away, that I am forgetting the details.

Nothing scares me more . . . hugs to you! How I wish these weren't the details that we struggle to remember! Kat In Dylan's Memory

Bree said...

I'm so sorry! I think the 4th and 5th months were the hardest on me so far. I have to share that I have similar regrets. I don't know why I didn't hold her longer than 2 hours. And, when the brought her back to see me in the evening, I kissed her, told her how sorry I was and then handed her back. It was all so much at the time. I also wish I would have taken pictures with her. I just have the ones the nurses took in the back. My mind races like yours too. I wish I had a way to help you cope. Early on, I did pop anxiety pills when I couldn't take it any longer. But, eventually I realized I couldn't do that forever. Hang in there. We did the best we could at the time. And, I'm sure our babies are proud of us. Hugs!

Allison (Ali) said...

The corners and edges may soften so that they dont hurt so much, but you will never forget. I know that I too wish that I had held and spent more time with Cady than I did, and I regret it, but I think that we all do what we can handle at that particular time.

Thinking of you today.

Shandrea said...

Jennifer, I am sorry that you are feeling sad, but wanted to say that even if you forget his blanket, you will never forget how you felt holding him, you will never forget the love you have for him, you won't ever forget the hopes and dreams you had for him, and you will never forget him, so try not to be down when you forget things like his blanket color. I am sending you extra love today and just knw that your angel is looking down on you. Hugs

ForeverElliot'sMommy said...

WOW, everything you said rings true for me too! There are so many "I wish" thoughts going through my head. But at that point in time we were doing what we thought was best and what we could handle. My big regret is not taking pictures while holding Elliot. The nurse had started to and at that point in time I thought it was soooo insensitive, I actually started screaming at her! I wish now I had those. I also wish we would have taken some at the funeral home. Elliot looked so beautiful, not damaged, not like he had suffered, but perfect.
HUGS to you that these "wishes" start to fade and we smile at the time we did have....(easier said than done, I know!)

Dana said...

I am so sorry that you have those regrets too. I didn't ask to see her again before I left the hospital and now I wish I had those moments back. Praying for peace and strength for you.

Once A Mother said...

I am heartbroken reading this. Even though Peyton's passing was at a month old, so much of my experience after she drew that last breath is the same as you wrote here. I am so, so sorry that any of us know what it is to feel our children go cold. I too felt like i had to hand her over, or I never could. And I too worry that she is cold below the earth. Sending prayers of understanding your way. I am so, so sorry.

Andrea said...


So sorry that you are hurting and reliving this deep pain again. Know that you are not and never will be a failure as Bryston's Mommie...never.

I understand all of your wishes...just know that you did everything right "in that moment" And, know that you will NEVER forget his smell or how he felt when you held him in your arms. But more than anything, he lives on in your heart forever.

Praying for you sweet friend that peace comes your way. I only wish I could take this hurt from you.


Franchesca Cox said...

You are a wonderful, loving mommy to your Bryston. I am sorry you can't remember the color of his blanket. There are small details that are slipping in my mind too and I hate myself for it too. I wish it weren't so. Have you journaled about the memories you did have? That helped me. There is so much I thought I would remember and when I go back and read my memories, I realize there is so much I have forgotten.

What I wouldn't do for more time too. I remember Jenna getting cold and it was so painful to feel the warmth of her body escaping. I feel your pain.

Praying for you tonight.


Akul's mama said...

You know my one BIG regret - when Akul was born - fresh out of my womb- I did not hold him. I was shaking so much from the anesthesia that I was afraid I will drop him...he was so tiny that I was scared I would crush him. If at that time I knew that I would have him for just a few days, I would hold him close when he was so alive and active. I would have not let him go anywhere. I thought I would be patient because I would have a life time with him...little did I know. Hugssssssssss... we have so many regrets.

Akul's mama said...

You know my one BIG regret - when Akul was born - fresh out of my womb- I did not hold him. I was shaking so much from the anesthesia that I was afraid I will drop him...he was so tiny that I was scared I would crush him. If at that time I knew that I would have him for just a few days, I would hold him close when he was so alive and active. I would have not let him go anywhere. I thought I would be patient because I would have a life time with him...little did I know. Hugssssssssss... we have so many regrets.

Karen said...

Thinking of you, Jennifer. You love Bryston as his devoted mother and I'm sorry that you are pained by not remembering this detail about his blanket. I think we have to be kind to ourselves because the shock of losing a child is so overwhelming and the time we had with them so brief. I feel the same way, wishing I could go back and take more time. xo

Daddy's Dream ~Mommy's Miracle said...

Your pain is so real. I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. Don't for one second feel guilty in anyway. Guilt is not of God. God hears your cries and he will comfort you. Bryston is blessed to have a mommy like you.

Missing Kasey said...

Jennifer you are NOT a failure!! Bryston knows you love him with everything you have! I know the importance of every little thing and time we spent is very important, but please don't beat yourself up. I too have similar things I wish that I would have done, I didn't document every little thing, and took very few pictures... 4, 6, and 8 months were very very hard for me too. Sending you lots of love and hugs!

brian said...

The color of his blanket is the hue of a mother's perfect love :)

DeniFay said...

You are a wonderful mommy!! You honor your beautiful angel constantly and help other mommies in the process! Bryston is blessed to have a mommy who cares so much and loves him so & one day he'll get to tell you that and hug you so tight you'll know you never forgot one detail about him!!

Laura said...

Thinking of you!!! I remember forgetting things and being so angry- that's why I write. Write it all down- every memory and somehow by reading it back it cements it... I had a picture of what Andrew looked like- my memory of seeing him. Pictures taken after his death were not that same picture- and in a sense they replaced my memory and I hated that!! Sending HUGS!!!
On this journey with you!

Katie said...

Jennifer ~ You are a wonderful mother to Bryston, and he is so proud of you.

You did the very best you could in those circumstances of tremendous stress.

Love you and giving you a big hug.

Holly said...

I'm sorry, I know I am afraid of forgetting all the little details too. That's why I have written so dang much about everything and took so many pictures. I don't think it would've mattered how much you held him, it still wouldn't have been enough time. You never want to let them go. said...

I know that the others have said it above, but writing will help decrease some of the anxiety about forgetting.