I wish I had the right words. Everyone keeps asking me how I'm doing and instead of answering them about my emotions I just keep saying things like, "Oh the pain pills are working," or "I'm tired." Other than that I say, "I'm trying not to think about it." Which is a lie. I couldn't not think about my babies even for a second even if I put some effort into it. I watch my nieces and nephews play with their Christmas gifts and my heart aches. I want my babies! I want Bryston and I want my rainbow baby back safe in my womb, but it seems that my womb is the least safe place of all. I don't want to say I'm ok or I'm fine because I'm not. I'm anything but, but what else am I going to say? I'm devastated, I'm lost, and I'm angry. No one wants to hear that. Even if it's the truth.
This Christmas has been really hard. I wasn't looking forward to it anyway with it being my first Christmas post loosing Bryston but then we lost this one too. I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever get to be a mommy to a live baby instead of an angel. I hate that I was so hopeful. I kept trying to keep myself from getting too excited about this pregnancy but that was an impossibility. I am convinced, not sure why, that this one was going to be a girl. I would have loved a little girl. Doing her hair and dressing her up. I would have loved a little boy too don't get me wrong but I think it would have been fun to have a little mini me running around.
I don't know what is with all this bad luck lately. This whole year has been tough. I don't want to tell myself don't worry how much worse could it get because I know from experience that it could always get way worse. I don't want to let myself hope again for better times. Its already hard enough living this reality but if it got worse, I don't know what I would do. I'm already hanging on by a thread here.
Ty's being strong for me again, but I'm not sure I want him to be. On one hand its nice, easy, and reliable, but sometimes I just want him to cry with me. To be a mess with me and to grieve with me. I know everyone grieves differently and I know that men especially grieve in their own way. He is my rock and my saving grace. He always has been. I think he's just so use to being the strong one that he may not know how to unravel and just be. When I ask him about it and why he doesn't talk about it much he says that he doesn't have anything to say and that he doesn't know how I have soo much to say about it. He says that he is sad and that he misses them, but doesn't feel the need to talk about it. I guess that just may be me. I've always felt the need to talk about things. Maybe too much some times. But that just makes me feel like I'm alone in my grief even if in reality I'm not. It still feels isolating. I'm trying really hard to be strong myself and to just keep moving. I feel like if I slow down or stop that I just wont be able to get back up again. I want to get back up, I do, but part of me, the grieving mother part just wants to lay down right here and be done with it all. Please keep praying. I don't know if he's even listening but I guess it couldn't make it any worse.
~Tears are words from the heart that cant be spoken~
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Posted by The Blue Sparrow at 10:37 PM