Saturday, December 26, 2009

I wish I had the right words. Everyone keeps asking me how I'm doing and instead of answering them about my emotions I just keep saying things like, "Oh the pain pills are working," or "I'm tired." Other than that I say, "I'm trying not to think about it." Which is a lie. I couldn't not think about my babies even for a second even if I put some effort into it. I watch my nieces and nephews play with their Christmas gifts and my heart aches. I want my babies! I want Bryston and I want my rainbow baby back safe in my womb, but it seems that my womb is the least safe place of all. I don't want to say I'm ok or I'm fine because I'm not. I'm anything but, but what else am I going to say? I'm devastated, I'm lost, and I'm angry. No one wants to hear that. Even if it's the truth.

This Christmas has been really hard. I wasn't looking forward to it anyway with it being my first Christmas post loosing Bryston but then we lost this one too. I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever get to be a mommy to a live baby instead of an angel. I hate that I was so hopeful. I kept trying to keep myself from getting too excited about this pregnancy but that was an impossibility. I am convinced, not sure why, that this one was going to be a girl. I would have loved a little girl. Doing her hair and dressing her up. I would have loved a little boy too don't get me wrong but I think it would have been fun to have a little mini me running around.

I don't know what is with all this bad luck lately. This whole year has been tough. I don't want to tell myself don't worry how much worse could it get because I know from experience that it could always get way worse. I don't want to let myself hope again for better times. Its already hard enough living this reality but if it got worse, I don't know what I would do. I'm already hanging on by a thread here.

Ty's being strong for me again, but I'm not sure I want him to be. On one hand its nice, easy, and reliable, but sometimes I just want him to cry with me. To be a mess with me and to grieve with me. I know everyone grieves differently and I know that men especially grieve in their own way. He is my rock and my saving grace. He always has been. I think he's just so use to being the strong one that he may not know how to unravel and just be. When I ask him about it and why he doesn't talk about it much he says that he doesn't have anything to say and that he doesn't know how I have soo much to say about it. He says that he is sad and that he misses them, but doesn't feel the need to talk about it. I guess that just may be me. I've always felt the need to talk about things. Maybe too much some times. But that just makes me feel like I'm alone in my grief even if in reality I'm not. It still feels isolating. I'm trying really hard to be strong myself and to just keep moving. I feel like if I slow down or stop that I just wont be able to get back up again. I want to get back up, I do, but part of me, the grieving mother part just wants to lay down right here and be done with it all. Please keep praying. I don't know if he's even listening but I guess it couldn't make it any worse.

~Tears are words from the heart that cant be spoken~


Jenn said...

I think grieving a baby is the most isolating kind of grief there is. SO many people just can't understand it. It's very, very hard. Hang in there. Keep breathing. Know that you're not really alone. So many other mothers out there understand. Take care.

Mary said...

Jennifer. So sorry that Christmas (and life in general) was hard. Saying a prayer for you as I write this.

Anonymous said...

I'll keep praying Jen and give yourself permission to just lay down and let it out if that's what you need to do. You have had a horrifying year. I'm hoping above all else 2010 brings you some healing. Hugs xxxx

Holly said...

I will most certainly be praying for you. I believe He's listening.

He & Me + 3 said...

Oh Jennifer,
I have missed so much. I am so sorry for your loss. Nothing any of us will say can bring peace or healing...only HE can bring you that healing. I am praying that 2010 brings you much joy peace and happiness.

Jill said...

Thinking about you, Jennifer! xx

Franchesca Cox said...

My heart is crying with you. I know you don't want to hope right now, so I will hope for you. I am so sorry for this Christmas not just being hard but excruciating for you. I wish I could do something to relieve your pain. I am praying for you and think of you often.

love to the sky

Shandrea said...

Jennifer, When they ask how you are just say that you are getting through the best you can, that's usually what i say, there will never be any right words for what we feel, and even though people ask they don't really wanna know, they wait to hear that expected answer of okay for fine or good when it's totally opposite of all those things. I know it's hard, but whatever you do don't loose your hope, we have to hold on to that. your hope (even if you know it or believe it or not) is gonna get you through this. Yes its hard that our husbands grieve differently than us, but i think also they feel that they have to be strong for us too. Try talking to him and let him know that when it's just the two of you, that he doesn't have to be strong, that it's okay to let go even if it's just for a moment. I am here for you if you ever want to let go of those feelings that people don't want to hear when they ask how you are. So if you ever want to talk about how you really feel don't hesitate to e-mail and vent.

Mary Ellen said...

My heart breaks for you and no words can be enough. I just want you to know that I am praying for you. I wish that I didnt know this pain but I dont and I know how the anger can take over. I pray that you will feel the comfort that God can give and know that He is listening. When my husband and I lost our 3 babies before James I had to get help with the anger I felt. Please feel free to contact me if you need to unload on someone that knows this pain. Praying for you!!

Anonymous said...

What an awful year 2009 has been for you. I am so sorry for all that you have been through. Words really are not adequate to say what needs to be said so...
... sorry.

I do think it is okay for you guys to be showing your grief in different ways, I think this is natural for men and women and also for different people. Just stay close and support each other and accept the differences.

I don't think you have to pretend to be fine with people all the time. It sort of depends on the people you are talking about and whether you think they will be supportive or just leave you aching for the support they seemed to offer but ended up unable or unwilling to provide.

Well, my prayer for you is that 2010 will be a million times better than 2009. I do believe God hears our prayers and I also believe that he will answer you.


DeniFay said...

Jennifer, just wanted to check on you today! I knew you wouldn't be better, but I wanted you to know that I was thinking of you. I will tell you that I completely understand how you feel with your husband, mine has not let on if he has any emotions at all linked to our losses while I'm a puddle on the floor! And your feelings with a second loss feel like dejavu for me, you echo my own feelings from right after my second loss. My heart continues to break for you and I wish I could hug you, but know I'm feeling a special sympathy!

I'm praying for you, as so many people did for me when I couldn't for myself!! If you want to talk at all please just send me an email

Allison (Ali) said...

I think that arent really any "right" words to answer that and it's gets old real quick being asked how are you doing. I just say I am here, and that about encompasses it. Because that is about the best I can be right now.

I know I am sorry is just a phrase that is way over used in situations like this, and while I am sorry. I am also trying to have hope for all of us BLM's that we will get our rainbows.

praying for you in this difficult time

MelissaLeigh said...

Hey Jennifer,

It is very hard when your husband tries to be the strong one. You do want him to cry with you everytime and you sound like me, wants to talk about it. I think about our 3 babies all the time, so I want to talk about them. With what was to be my due date with Landon coming up the angier I get! I just don't understand why I can't have a biological child. It is so easy for others and for us we long for that! Travis and I have had a hard time with the loss of our last son. The emotions get so high and you just don't know how to handle them. We have had heated discussions because I feel like he is not being there for me, but I relized that is how he handles it. It's so hard.

I myself just tell everyone I am okay. What are you going to tell them...I cry myself to sleep, I think about my baies 24-7, I go to the gravesite all the time, I'm mad and resentful sometimes, I would love to go to heaven to see my babies, I cry in the car all the time. They wouldn't know what to say! Sorry this is so long, but I just know how hard all of this is and when will it stop? I pray all the time, God is the only one right now that gives me comfort. I hide in His embrace. I'm praying for you and your hubby!


Karen said...

Thinking of you, Jennifer, and aching for your two losses. Praying for you my friend and hope you have some comfort in knowing we're all here to listen to you any time and wrapping you in love. Wish I could do more. (((Hugs)))

Tiffany said...


I've been thinking about you everyday and I pray for your healing heart everyday as well. I know that I can't have the right words but you can't give up. Sometimes it feels like God is not there but he is. No one has the answers to why? That is the biggest question I have when I get to heaven.
I can't say why your husband doesn't cry with you. Men are made differently than us and they can't just fall on the floor in a puddle of tears. He is hurting I am sure, but he is probably holding it together for the both of you. Don't worry about what people think. If it makes you feel better, then just tell them right out. Lay it out on them, who knows?
Sending lots of hugs to you.

Andrea said...

Oh Jennifer, I am just now learning of your loss and my heart is broken for you. I understand the wanting your husband to cry with you and feel the same emotions of loss and deep grief. Unfortunately, they grieve internaly and we grieve externaly. It doesn't make things better, but I try to find some comfort in knowing they do grieve...they do, I promise.

Much love to you and I WILL send many prayers up for you. Huggs, lotts of them, and I will be checking in on you.


Missing Kasey said...

I am catching up and am so heart broken to read that your rainbow baby has passed away. Saying a prayer ((((HUGS)))

Meghan said...

I am just catching up on your blog. I am so sorry you are dealing with this yet again. It pains my heart to read your words. {{Big hug}}

Ebe said...

I am so sorry, Jennifer. I have just found your blog and read of your losses and feel such a heaviness for you. I have walked your road, well I hesitate to say I have walked your exact road, because though we may understand each other, we can never truly know another's pain and loss.
Three months after my firstborn was bornstill, I got pregnant again, only to lose my rainbow baby at 8 weeks to a cornual ectopic pregnancy. The loss of my treasured hope, my sweet baby, intensified my grief and anger and sadness over losing my son at 36 weeks. I shouldn't have even been trying to get pregnant again. I should have had a 3 month old at home!
I remember the devastation and isolation so clearly. It has almost been 2 years...

7 months after my second loss, I miscarried again.

The pain and hurt are still with me today. I am now pregnant again. With a little girl. And the fear of another loss is sometimes crippling.

I say all this to tell you that you are not alone and though we may not understand fully, we do understand loss and pain.

Praying for your broken heart tonight.


Once A Mother said...

Oh Jennifer, my heart is just broken for you. This is so unfair. Your words cut through me, " I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever get to be a mommy to a live baby instead of an angel." I know what you mean.

I have struggled a bit with my hubs grieving differently than me. Sometimes I feel somehow "less than" because he is strong, and I can't even pretend to be. Sometimes I want to have someone to cry with me, not just hold me when I cry.

I know what you mean about not wanting to think about "what else could happen" its hard not to have anxiety when so many things have happened. Please know that while I do not always comment, I am here, reading, and thinking of you. Please let me know if I can do anything for you.

Peace xx