Thursday, December 24, 2009

Christmas Eve-5 Months



In 5 months I have lost two of my precious babies. How can that be? When I found out we were expecting again, I felt like I had something to hope for. I knew that I had something to look forward to and to be strong for. Now its all gone. There is no hope and no need to be strong. I feel so empty and numb. I don't have the words to describe the pain now. It just is. It feels like a part of me now.

I'm praying that the holidays pass quickly. I don't care about the decorations, presents, or family gatherings. I just want to be alone. I want to sleep the rest of this year away. It's all so artificial now. My babies are dead. What would be worth celebrating now?

I do feel anger. Why didn't God save this one? Why did he allow this? Haven't we lost enough? Whats next? So far this year Ty has lost his job, my aunt died, Bryston died, my dad almost died in his wreck, and now my second baby is gone. What lesson am I suppose to learn from this? All I am seeing is how God dropped the ball this year. Where has he been? I cant help feeling like he has turned his back on me when Ive needed him the most. I just feel like I'm done. He doesn't care then why should I? I know most of you will disagree with that, and a few weeks ago so would I have, but what else am I suppose to think? I feel like the universe has been piling bricks on my back. Each brick gets a little harder to carry but this last brick was too much. I have collapsed. Another brick would kill me, but I know from experience that that next brick is right around the bend. That just when I let myself hope a little, it will drop.

I really do hope that all of your Christmas's are going to be great. No one deserves them more than my bloggy friends. The kindness and support that you all have shown me in the last 5 months has blown my mind. I never knew that complete strangers could be so kind. Thank you to each of you for being there for me. This blog is my therapy and my blog friends are like my grief counselors. You've all been there and you know how it feels. I don't feel so crazy knowing that I'm not alone. So Happy Holidays to each of you and I pray that no bricks will be added to any of your loads.




19 comments:

Jess said...

All I can say is, I am just so, so sorry Jennifer. I am praying for you, hurting with you, and wishing things could be better. I pray no more bricks will fall, and 2010 will be a year of blessing for you. Sending you a huge hug!!

Franchesca Cox said...

I have no words just wishing I could give you a hug. Praying the rest of this year leaves us quicker than it came. Sending you hugs for the days ahead. You're right, you're never alone.

XO

wife.mom.nurse said...

What a difficult Christmas.

I had my miscarriage days before Christmas and it took everything to make Christmas happen for my baby boy. Brian went out and bought a Christmas tree on Christmas eve. I remember the broken heart. I know my experience is so different. But I share in your pain for the loss of your babies.

oh, I want to let you know the package arrive sweet, sweet Jenn.

Thank you, through your pain you reached out to us. You are a special person. God bless you.

Praying for a better 2010 for you and your entire family.

With Love,
julie and brian

Bree said...

It is all so unfair, Jenn. I'm so sorry. You have been on my mind a lot since you posted about losing your rainbow baby. Sending love to you today.

Jill said...

XO

Jill said...

XO

brian said...

Praying for you...

Danielle said...

Praying with you...
Hurting with you...
Crying for you...

I'm here for you. I wish I could take your pain away. Sending you warm hugs and heartfelt thoughts.

(((Hugs)))

Akul's mama said...

I am so sorry ...I always wonder why this happens to people who long for babies the most. It is not fair... hugsssssssssssss.

Jenn said...

I'm just so sorry for you. I will be thinking of you throughout the holidays. Please let me know if I can help in any way.

Frank & MB said...

i don't even know what to say.

this is a crazy world.

when you find the answer to where God has been, i'd love to know the answer.

thinking about you and your husband, jenn.

livingintherainbow said...

Words are not adequate so I will just say how sorry I am.

How can we understand why God allows such pain? I certainly hold to the fact that our babies are in heaven and that there is no crying or pain or death there.

I have asked the "why?" and the "why me?" questions. Why did Abigail die? Why did this happen to us when we cannot have more children? If she was a miracle to be conceived why did she die? I guess with some time I have come to a "why not me" position. It hurts like hell but why should this happen to someone else? I still believe God loves me and hates death. Even though he holds our babies in heaven I still think he is sad for us because he knows death is against everything he created.

Anyway, I hope you can find some peace wth those who love you over this Christmas period.

Dana said...

There are no words... I am so sorry. I am praying for peace for you and your husband and for the strength for y'all to get out of bed and keep breathing. That's all you can do right now, and that is enough.

Shandrea said...

Jennifer,
You have every right to feel the way you are feeling. I felt the same way when i lost my second baby on thanksgiving at 18 wks. I felt all those things you are feeling even the ones you can't describe, i understand and i felt, even the anger towards god i felt. Some of the feelings i still do feel, but i am not angry at god anymore, i'm hurt but at him not angry, i still hold on to my hope and faith, when i find that i do get angry i try and think of all the small things the few good things that happened this year, and i just pray that next year will be better. I know that there are no words to say right now to make it better but i still want you to know that i ache with you that my heart is here for you and if anymore bricks are piled on you then just dump a few on me, i'll give them to the father for you, i'll be strong for you, while you heal, i'll hope for you. You are not alone, you are loved and you will be strong again and until you are i'll be strong for you, for us and for our babies.
sending much love, hugs and prayers to you.

Karen said...

No brilliant words, Jennifer, but my heart aches for all your losses and trials this year. I don't get it either and personally I think God can take our anger and you feel what you feel. Praying for you and hoping you have some moments of peace and lots of love through the rest of the Christmas season. Hoping you get a baby in your arms in 2010. xo

DeniFay said...

Jennifer, my heart breaks for you! I have been where you are, having lost two babies and questioning God. I'm so terribly sorry and wish I could heal your aching heart! I only wish I had started blogging sooner! I know nothing helps right now, but I'm sorry for your loss and all the feelings that are swirling around right now!! Love and prayers!

MelissaLeigh said...

I am praying for you! The emptiness is so hard. I pray God reveals His plan to you and your family soon. That you may hear His words in your deepest of moments. It's just so hard. Sending my prayers and love to you!

Holly said...

I wish that your rainbow was still here. We'll never know why here.

Heather Birt said...

Jenn, I envy your strength!! Your one heck of a woman to endure all of this and I pray that someday your life will be filled with joy, happiness and the pitter patter of lots of little feet!!! Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings.