In 5 months I have lost two of my precious babies. How can that be? When I found out we were expecting again, I felt like I had something to hope for. I knew that I had something to look forward to and to be strong for. Now its all gone. There is no hope and no need to be strong. I feel so empty and numb. I don't have the words to describe the pain now. It just is. It feels like a part of me now.
I'm praying that the holidays pass quickly. I don't care about the decorations, presents, or family gatherings. I just want to be alone. I want to sleep the rest of this year away. It's all so artificial now. My babies are dead. What would be worth celebrating now?
I do feel anger. Why didn't God save this one? Why did he allow this? Haven't we lost enough? Whats next? So far this year Ty has lost his job, my aunt died, Bryston died, my dad almost died in his wreck, and now my second baby is gone. What lesson am I suppose to learn from this? All I am seeing is how God dropped the ball this year. Where has he been? I cant help feeling like he has turned his back on me when Ive needed him the most. I just feel like I'm done. He doesn't care then why should I? I know most of you will disagree with that, and a few weeks ago so would I have, but what else am I suppose to think? I feel like the universe has been piling bricks on my back. Each brick gets a little harder to carry but this last brick was too much. I have collapsed. Another brick would kill me, but I know from experience that that next brick is right around the bend. That just when I let myself hope a little, it will drop.
I really do hope that all of your Christmas's are going to be great. No one deserves them more than my bloggy friends. The kindness and support that you all have shown me in the last 5 months has blown my mind. I never knew that complete strangers could be so kind. Thank you to each of you for being there for me. This blog is my therapy and my blog friends are like my grief counselors. You've all been there and you know how it feels. I don't feel so crazy knowing that I'm not alone. So Happy Holidays to each of you and I pray that no bricks will be added to any of your loads.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Posted by The Blue Sparrow at 1:26 PM