Tuesday, November 10, 2009

October's Secret Garden Meeting

This month's Secret Garden Meeting poses the following questions.

Where are you at in your grief? Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby? How are you feeling? How do you hope you will feel in the future? Have you found any peace at all?

I am not even sure. Its only been a little over 3 months since we lost Bryston. In ways it seems like it was just yesterday and in others if feels like a lifetime ago. It's just not an easy thing to measure, where I am in this process. It's so early and I know that I have a long road of healing ahead of me. I worry that I will forget the way he smelled or the way that he looked. I am really fearful of moving on too quickly and loosing the precious few memories that I do have left. I am angry that this is my reality. Couldn't God have chosen someone else?

Some days the sadness creeps in and surprises me. The other day I woke and began to get ready for work. As I was washing my hair out of no where I began to sob. I'm not even sure what brought it on. I was fine and then I wasn't. And other days I make it through the day without a breakdown. Each day is a question mark. I never know what the days events will trigger in my emotions. I feel ancient. I feel like I have lived 3 lifetimes in a few short months time. I feel selfish. I have been so wrapped up in my own head that I have been neglecting my friends. Some of my really great friends. One of which was so upset over our loss that when she heard that I was requesting no visitors in the hospital she drove 2 hours to sit in the parking lot and wept and prayed for me until I invited her in. She covered he pregnant belly so shield me while she visited me. She negated conversations that involved her baby so that I might not hear. And what did I do? I pushed her away and avoided her. I went out of my way not to share with her. I have since spoken to her and apologized and she understands. She forgave me. I'm not sure I deserve it.

I am trying to let myself just be and to feel whatever it is that I feel whenever I feel it. That's not so easy. To be in Walmart and want to scream isn't an emotion that I'm use to. Before loosing Bryston, I was so upbeat. I always had a smile on my face. And now, I force myself to smile. I force myself to get out of bed some days.

How do I hope to feel in the future? I don't know? I don't even know how I am suppose to want to feel in the future. What is an acceptable answer to that? I know that I will never feel whole. I will never feel completely at peace or happy when a piece of my heart is missing. Have I found any peace? No, at least not yet. And I'm not sure that I will ever have any. My day's may become more bearable and I may even find my smile again, but I suspect that I will never again have true peace, at least not on this side of Heaven. I hope and pray that that is wrong though. I have my faith and I have the love of my friends and family pulling me through everyday.

I found this saying the other day and wanted to share it. Its beautiful. It was found written on a wall in Germany by a jew hiding from the Nazi concentration camps;

I believe in the Sun
even when it is not shining,
In love even when I am alone,
and in God even when he is silient.


Bonnelle Pagel said...

Ah yes... I remember days like this... like it was yesterday. Even though it's been 11 years... there are still days where I miss him. A year after loosing our son we bought a puppy and she taught me how to smile and laugh again. However, we recently lost her too and as I cried in the stall of a bathroom I remembered how much harder I cried when the reality of Gerad's death hit me. I felt silly for crying over the death of a dog and yet... she wasn't just any dog. She was a part of my healing process.

Loss & grief is such a crazy roller coaster ride. Some days are better then others. For a lot of years I would get so blue around the holidays because sandwiched in between Thanksgiving and Christmas is the date of his birth. How could I be Thankful and celebrating the birth of my Lord when I could no longer celebrate the birth of my little boy??... when I no longer felt thankful?? What did I do? Every year I make a small little birthday cake. Somehow it helps me... feel like I'm sending Gerad a little message that lets him know I still remember and won't ever forget... the smile on his face or the smallness of his hands.

All that to say... don't feel bad about the sad days because they are a part of the process. Don't worry about having breakdowns every now & then because the tears are a part of the healing. Don't worry about grieving... let it run its course.

I love you dear friend I haven't met. I feel like I know you and through these words... I hope you feel a hug from God. =)

Bonnelle Pagel said...

p.s... Thank you so much for your prayers. Funny... grades don't seem nearly as important now! =) AND... I love the new little banner you have at the top of your blog... it's like opening up a scrapbook! Great job!

Franchesca Cox said...

Jennifer, this brings me back to the scattered feeling, but it is so true, even now I feel like I cannot really define where I am. One moment I'm fine, and the next not so good. I don't think we'll ever be whole, but we learn to live with this grief, with their memories. The saying is beautiful and it describes where this grief takes us so well.


Malory said...

I remeber 3 months. I am only 3 months ahead of you in this process. You described me at 3 months to the "T". I had some very dark moments from there to here but I have definitely found some normalcy again. So will you. I have to say that I am in awe of the women who go back to work like you. I know most of the time its not a choice but I admire you. I was such a disaster I never could've done it. I love the quote you ended with.

Holly said...

That saying you shared is really good. It really speaks of faith.

I know what you mean when you say it feelin like just yesterday but then so long ago. It feels like that for me too.

Sad moments can sure catch you by surprise. They happen most often for me when I am driving and listening to music.

Jen said...

I am all over the map too..hugs to you!

Karen said...

I can feel and relate to your raw grief and mixed up feelings. Thank you for sharing that, and for sharing Bryston's story with us. xo

Laura said...

Reading your words, I feel like they could have been mine in those early days! I pray that on this journey you begin to see pieces of grace and peace- put them away- keep them close and know that you can find that smile again and that Bryston Ray will be so happy that his mom can miss him and love him and not feel badly for letting go of a grief that is so comforting at times. I totally get it. Your words- so perfectly true! <3

Missing Kasey said...

Jennifer (((HUGS))) I hope you do find peace some day. The grieving road sucks, but things will start to become more "normal" That is much different than it used to be. Your words taken me back to 3 months after Kasey grew his wings, I was a mess I cried all the time, avoided people like the plague. I think its all normal. Let yourself grieve and remember your sweet Bryston.

Bree said...

Be easy on yourself. I have a friend life long friend that I have refused to see since losing Ella. She found out she was expecting her second baby right as I was losing Ella. We talk on the phone each week, but I can't see her. Our true friends understand. You've only lost Bryston three short months ago. You will smile and feel joy again. I promise.

brian said...

That's an amazing quote...

Once A Mother said...

Wow... these words so sum up this experience. I am amazed at your strength to have returned to work. It has been over a year since Peyton passed, and I am still not up to it. The post was moving. The quote was moving. Thank you so much for sharing.