This month's Secret Garden Meeting poses the following questions.
Where are you at in your grief? Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby? How are you feeling? How do you hope you will feel in the future? Have you found any peace at all?
I am not even sure. Its only been a little over 3 months since we lost Bryston. In ways it seems like it was just yesterday and in others if feels like a lifetime ago. It's just not an easy thing to measure, where I am in this process. It's so early and I know that I have a long road of healing ahead of me. I worry that I will forget the way he smelled or the way that he looked. I am really fearful of moving on too quickly and loosing the precious few memories that I do have left. I am angry that this is my reality. Couldn't God have chosen someone else?
Some days the sadness creeps in and surprises me. The other day I woke and began to get ready for work. As I was washing my hair out of no where I began to sob. I'm not even sure what brought it on. I was fine and then I wasn't. And other days I make it through the day without a breakdown. Each day is a question mark. I never know what the days events will trigger in my emotions. I feel ancient. I feel like I have lived 3 lifetimes in a few short months time. I feel selfish. I have been so wrapped up in my own head that I have been neglecting my friends. Some of my really great friends. One of which was so upset over our loss that when she heard that I was requesting no visitors in the hospital she drove 2 hours to sit in the parking lot and wept and prayed for me until I invited her in. She covered he pregnant belly so shield me while she visited me. She negated conversations that involved her baby so that I might not hear. And what did I do? I pushed her away and avoided her. I went out of my way not to share with her. I have since spoken to her and apologized and she understands. She forgave me. I'm not sure I deserve it.
I am trying to let myself just be and to feel whatever it is that I feel whenever I feel it. That's not so easy. To be in Walmart and want to scream isn't an emotion that I'm use to. Before loosing Bryston, I was so upbeat. I always had a smile on my face. And now, I force myself to smile. I force myself to get out of bed some days.
How do I hope to feel in the future? I don't know? I don't even know how I am suppose to want to feel in the future. What is an acceptable answer to that? I know that I will never feel whole. I will never feel completely at peace or happy when a piece of my heart is missing. Have I found any peace? No, at least not yet. And I'm not sure that I will ever have any. My day's may become more bearable and I may even find my smile again, but I suspect that I will never again have true peace, at least not on this side of Heaven. I hope and pray that that is wrong though. I have my faith and I have the love of my friends and family pulling me through everyday.
I found this saying the other day and wanted to share it. Its beautiful. It was found written on a wall in Germany by a jew hiding from the Nazi concentration camps;
I believe in the Sun
even when it is not shining,
In love even when I am alone,
and in God even when he is silient.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Posted by The Blue Sparrow at 6:19 PM