Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Cloudy Day Ramblings

I'm back at the library posting updates and comments because our brand new computer crashed for the third time. It is being looked at again so we are without one for a few more weeks. On the bright side though, if it acts up again after we get it back they have to replace it under Nebraska's Lemon Law. I'm not sure that I want another one of these computers though since it's been nothing but trouble. I would strongly recommend not buying an HP laptop.

Things have been going about the same here. I'm still trying to push through this grief and looking for my "new normal." I'm hoping that this isn't it. I don't want this to define my life, but as of right now Bryston's passing is all I can see. I eat, sleep, and breath everything Bryston. I think about him constantly. But its strange though. When I visit his site or whisper prayers to him, I feel like my words are so hallow. Like they have no meaning and I cant seem to find the right words to say. It feels like I have a giant wall in front of me every way I turn, and on the wall is his face painted in graffiti. I open my mouth and all that comes out is "I'm so sorry," and "I miss you." That doesn't seem good enough to me. I hope he can read my heart instead of hearing my words. There is so much more I want to say to him. That I would say if I could just find the right words.

I spoke to the cemetary about the possibility of my donating a marker for the Creighton site where Bryston is buried. Currently there is nothing there. I would like to donate on in Bryston's memory, but the cemeatary has to get the ok from the hospital since they own the spot. I cant imagine that this will be an issue, but just in case, please keep this in your prayers. I would love to be the one to do this. It would mean alot to me to be able to do so.

I have recieved a few more photos over the weekend for Bryston's name gallery. It still amazes me how clever and unique everyone is being. I love them so much! Great job to everyone who has sent in a photo! Again, if you would like to send in a photo of your own for Bryston's gallery please send them to jenn_624@hotmail.com. God Bless each of you who do this. It means soo much to me to see his name remembered.

Amanda Oneil Goodman, (Stanton, IA)

From Wendy

Christy, (Shenandoah, IA)

Sarah,(Autralia on Oct. 15th, 2009)

The Heard Family (Huntsville, AL)

My time using this library computer is over. I wish I had more time to post but this will have to be a short one. Again, thank you to all who have sent in pictures for Bryston's name gallery. And also Thank you to everyone who reads these. It's nice to be able to share what Im feeling and to have that connections with all of the other baby loss parents out here. I done feel so alone when we chat and exchange messages of encouragement. Even if you have never been in my shoes, it's nice to know that someone cares enough to keep reading and to reach out. God is Good and he is showing me everyday that life can be good again too someday.

2 Samuel 2:6
May the LORD now show you kindness and faithfulness, and I too will show you the same favor because you have done this.


EMILY G. said...

thinking of you and your sweet little man often! thank you for sharing!

Franchesca Cox said...

The pictures are beautiful and so creative! I know what you mean when you say your words feel so empty... me too! Wish it weren't that way. But I think they see our heart in a way we can't see our hearts down here.


Holly said...

People are definitely creative!! I'm glad you are getting so many names! That's awesome!!

I can't believe your new laptop has crashed so many times!! Goodness!! Not a good one at all!

I think that Bryston knows exactly what is in your heart because God tells him.

Akul's mama said...

Lovely pictures....You are right Life without our babies just sucks... and there is nothing we can do about it.

Nan & Mike said...

I love looking at all of the pictures you get! Thanks for sharing. Sorry about your computer - hope its back up soon, we have a dell its pretty good, but battery life sucks. Anyway, mainly wanted to tell you that youe sweet angel knows how you feel, and knows what you want to say, you dont even have to say it. These thoughts will eventually weave into the fabric of your family and will eventually not overwhelm your every thought. He will always be with you and you will never forget him, but you will eventually get to a place where thoughts are happier. Lots of hugs, Nan xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Karen said...

The new pictures are beautiful, Jennifer. Keeping your intention in prayer (to get the marker for the site). Hope you have a working, reliable computer soon. (((Hugs)))

Once A Mother said...

I pray that you are able to get the marker. What a beautiful thing you want to do in providing one. I have to tell you, that peanut butter picture made me smile... what a sweet way to write his name.

wife.mom.nurse said...

Oh no, still struggling with the computer!!!

What beautiful Bryston names :)

I am glad you have a safe place to express all of your feeling.

still praying...


brian said...

(I liked how Amanda used the fire hydrant as a letter "T.")

Julie and I were talking about you and Bryston today...

Rachel said...

Love all the pictures.

(And I have a new HP laptop that has had trouble since it came out of the box, grrr!)