Monday, November 30, 2009

I don't really have a theme for this post, I'm just having one of those blah kind of days. I'm bummed. About what you ask? I think the question is really what am I not bummed about today?

I'm missing Bryston. Which isn't unusual or anything, I just see how my life is now and know that it would have been so very different if he were here today. I'm restless. I have the day off today and tomorrow, so today I slept late. I then made lunch for Ty and I and cleaned the house. After cleaning I just lounged on the couch and watched tv. I shouldn't have time to watch tv. I should be running ragged and taking care of a 4 month old baby. I don't really know what to do with myself in my free time without him here which is odd because it's not like he was ever here for me have had anything to compare my lack of free time to. Does that make any sense? I guess I'm just missing what should have been.

I'm bummed that I haven't lost any of the weight. In fact I am 7 pounds heavier than when I was 28 weeks pregnant with Bryston. I know, I know, I have a good reason to have packed it on but that doesn't cheer me up. The fact that my pants are too tight and my shirts all accentuate my muffin top are hard to ignore. I use to be so active. I went to the gym and worked out most of pregnancy and I also walked frequently but now, I just have no desire to do any of those things. Doing them now just reminds me of him. And while that isn't a totally bad thing, because I love thinking about Bryston, its just harder to get motivated now.

I'm bummed because Christmas is my favorite time of year and now I don't even want to put up my tree. I miss how I use to have to hold myself back from putting it up too early and now I just want to sleep through the holidays. I cant get into the spirit when Bryston's gone. How can I celebrate anything now? I got through Thanksgiving just fine but that's never really been important to me. Its always been Christmas time that's meant the most to me. I just want the holidays to pass like any other day. I don't feel like myself anymore. I feel like a stranger to myself. Who is this girl? She is so different than a year ago. I want this year to be over. I wish I could say that I was hopeful that next year would be better, but I cant. I don't really have any hope left.

I'm bummed that I haven't heard back from the cemetery yet about weather or not we can donate a marker to his site. I have called several times but gotten no responce. Really? Don't you people make money on these headstones? You would think they would be at least give a prospective customer a call back. I'm starting to feel defeated on this one.

I know this post is kind of a downer and I'm sorry. I'm usually able to at least find one positive thing to type but not today. It's just to hard to see past the storm clouds that have rolled in on my life today. I hope everyone out there is having a better day!

"The name of the LORD is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe."
Proverbs 18:10

Jeremiah 29:11 - "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"


He & Me + 3 said...

sounds like you need a sparrow today my friend. please feel better. I can understand your sadness for sure...all are valid points that you make. But God is still God & He knows your in Him today Jennifer

JamieW said...


I understand your feelings and your thoughts. I wish I could be there to give you a real hug.

On the weight and feelings right now--have you had your thyroid checked? I have thyroid problems and when I started feeling out of control grief (and was actually gaining weight) it turned out my thyroid wasn't reacting well to post-partum. Perhaps there might just be an easy fix for some of this!

Franchesca Cox said...

Jennifer, it's hard to stay positive all the time, especially when it's your day off. I have the same problem when I'm off. There's so much free time and it shouldn't be that way. I hope you get to feeling better. Sending you big HUGS!

That is such a beautiful verse that you shared from Jeremiah. There is hope, I promise.


Jen said...

I am sorry you had a bummer day.. it is so impossible to feel hopeful every day, all of the time.. praying things look up soon.. bug hugs!

Allison (Ali) said...

I know exactly what you mean about Christmas, it is my favorite time of year but i am not putting up a tree this year and only buying presents out of a sense of obligation not the excitement and want to that i normally have.

May you have a sparrow from bryston soon, and know that we are thinking about and praying for you.


Bree said...

You have permission (at least mine, anyway) to write as many downer posts as you want. Sometimes I feel like I repeatedly vent my frustration and anger, but I think it's so important. I too lay around the house all day long, getting nothing accomplished. I just don't have the energy for anything. And, I never lost the last five pounds of baby weight. You'd think that would at least come easily to us. I finally realized that I liked the extra Ella weight on me. It wear it proudly, my mother marks. Have you thought about doing a small tree with sparrow ornaments? I just sent you a little paper bird in the mail. I went into my local coffee shop and they were asking for donations to a local children's hospital. In exchange, you receive one of these paper birds and can write a message on it. I wrote Ella on one and Bryston on another. The nice coffee lady gave me an extra one so that I could send it to you. I actually think it's a dove, but it remided me of a sparrow. Anyways, sorry this comment is all over the place. Hang in there, okay.

Tiffany said...

I think God allows us to have those stormy, cloudy sad days. It gives us a chance to let the rain fall on our shoulders and cleanse us. A time to reflect on things and gather our thoughts. You'll find the sunshine again, it won't rain forever.
Sending blessings and cheer to you.

Missing Kasey said...

You can't always be positive and you are allowed to have tone of those days. You are human and not prefect. Sending you love and hugs today. I had a really hard time at 4 months...not that it matters.

Mary Ellen said...

I am sending you prayers and hugs. You have just read that I am going through these feelings myself. I have a few years to buffer some of the pain but how I remember those fresher days. I am praying that you are filled with God's comfort and he will guide us both through this season.

Holly said...

Don't be sorry for a 'down' post or a 'down' day. They happen and I think we can all understand that. I know it's hard to get excited about Christmas when you don't have your baby. Christmas is my favorite time of the year. What I am excited about is the opportunity to do something good in Carleigh's memory, like donating to charities. It always feels good to help.

Sorry you haven't heard from the cemetery. You'd think they'd want to talk to you.