I don't really have a theme for this post, I'm just having one of those blah kind of days. I'm bummed. About what you ask? I think the question is really what am I not bummed about today?
I'm missing Bryston. Which isn't unusual or anything, I just see how my life is now and know that it would have been so very different if he were here today. I'm restless. I have the day off today and tomorrow, so today I slept late. I then made lunch for Ty and I and cleaned the house. After cleaning I just lounged on the couch and watched tv. I shouldn't have time to watch tv. I should be running ragged and taking care of a 4 month old baby. I don't really know what to do with myself in my free time without him here which is odd because it's not like he was ever here for me have had anything to compare my lack of free time to. Does that make any sense? I guess I'm just missing what should have been.
I'm bummed that I haven't lost any of the weight. In fact I am 7 pounds heavier than when I was 28 weeks pregnant with Bryston. I know, I know, I have a good reason to have packed it on but that doesn't cheer me up. The fact that my pants are too tight and my shirts all accentuate my muffin top are hard to ignore. I use to be so active. I went to the gym and worked out most of pregnancy and I also walked frequently but now, I just have no desire to do any of those things. Doing them now just reminds me of him. And while that isn't a totally bad thing, because I love thinking about Bryston, its just harder to get motivated now.
I'm bummed because Christmas is my favorite time of year and now I don't even want to put up my tree. I miss how I use to have to hold myself back from putting it up too early and now I just want to sleep through the holidays. I cant get into the spirit when Bryston's gone. How can I celebrate anything now? I got through Thanksgiving just fine but that's never really been important to me. Its always been Christmas time that's meant the most to me. I just want the holidays to pass like any other day. I don't feel like myself anymore. I feel like a stranger to myself. Who is this girl? She is so different than a year ago. I want this year to be over. I wish I could say that I was hopeful that next year would be better, but I cant. I don't really have any hope left.
I'm bummed that I haven't heard back from the cemetery yet about weather or not we can donate a marker to his site. I have called several times but gotten no responce. Really? Don't you people make money on these headstones? You would think they would be at least give a prospective customer a call back. I'm starting to feel defeated on this one.
I know this post is kind of a downer and I'm sorry. I'm usually able to at least find one positive thing to type but not today. It's just to hard to see past the storm clouds that have rolled in on my life today. I hope everyone out there is having a better day!
"The name of the LORD is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe."
Jeremiah 29:11 - "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"
Monday, November 30, 2009
Posted by The Blue Sparrow at 4:25 PM