I cant believe that this is my life. How could this be my reality? I'm in disbelief that my son, my beautiful perfect little boy is gone. I guess I'm just still shell shocked at how quickly things went from a fairytale to a nightmare. In the matter of a week we went from being a "textbook pregnancy" to those awful 5 words a mother never wants to hear. Five words that Ive come to despise. Alone these words are so innocent and normal, but when used in a sentence together, are a black hole of despair. "I'm not getting a heartbeat." What hideous words.
Today I drove an hour to visit Bryston's site and to decorate it for Christmas. While I cant seem to get in enough of a spirit to decorate around here, I felt like I needed to decorate for him. As I was driving to his site I flipped through the radio stations and almost every one was playing Christmas music. Instead of making me feel joyful like they have in years past all I wanted to do was cry. So I did. I cried on the drive there and back. Even my favorite, O Holy Night, sings about a baby's birth. I cant seem to escape this. Everything reminds me of what Ive lost. I wish that I could just focus on what I do have in my life because I do have some amazing things. My husband and family are more than anyone could ever ask for, I have a job that provides a roof over my head and food in my belly, and I have generally good health. But this all seems so meaningless without Bryston in my arms.
I feel like I have a giant brick wall in front of me that I'm chained to. I try and try again to climb over it and the minute that I manage to get over and start to walk away I start to feel a little more joy with each step but in that the minute when I start to feel a little hopeful the chain yanks me back and I'm back in square one struggling to get to the other side.
I don't know what the deal is the last few days, I'm in such a funk. Nothing happened to bring this on, its just here. I was doing fine last week, but I guess I wandered a little to far away from that wall. I go back to work tomorrow so I'm hoping that work with serve as the distraction that I need to get out of this rut. Thanks for every one's words of encouragement on my last "downer" post, it helps to know that I'm not alone here. *HUGS*
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Posted by The Blue Sparrow at 7:02 PM