Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Shell Shocked



I cant believe that this is my life. How could this be my reality? I'm in disbelief that my son, my beautiful perfect little boy is gone. I guess I'm just still shell shocked at how quickly things went from a fairytale to a nightmare. In the matter of a week we went from being a "textbook pregnancy" to those awful 5 words a mother never wants to hear. Five words that Ive come to despise. Alone these words are so innocent and normal, but when used in a sentence together, are a black hole of despair. "I'm not getting a heartbeat." What hideous words.

Today I drove an hour to visit Bryston's site and to decorate it for Christmas. While I cant seem to get in enough of a spirit to decorate around here, I felt like I needed to decorate for him. As I was driving to his site I flipped through the radio stations and almost every one was playing Christmas music. Instead of making me feel joyful like they have in years past all I wanted to do was cry. So I did. I cried on the drive there and back. Even my favorite, O Holy Night, sings about a baby's birth. I cant seem to escape this. Everything reminds me of what Ive lost. I wish that I could just focus on what I do have in my life because I do have some amazing things. My husband and family are more than anyone could ever ask for, I have a job that provides a roof over my head and food in my belly, and I have generally good health. But this all seems so meaningless without Bryston in my arms.

I feel like I have a giant brick wall in front of me that I'm chained to. I try and try again to climb over it and the minute that I manage to get over and start to walk away I start to feel a little more joy with each step but in that the minute when I start to feel a little hopeful the chain yanks me back and I'm back in square one struggling to get to the other side.

I don't know what the deal is the last few days, I'm in such a funk. Nothing happened to bring this on, its just here. I was doing fine last week, but I guess I wandered a little to far away from that wall. I go back to work tomorrow so I'm hoping that work with serve as the distraction that I need to get out of this rut. Thanks for every one's words of encouragement on my last "downer" post, it helps to know that I'm not alone here. *HUGS*





20 comments:

Brandi said...

Girl, I wish I had a magic wand... just know I'm thinking about ya and I pray for you daily.

Just Breathe said...

I think that work will be good for you. I think that I would be in the same funk as you. How can you get into the spirit when your heart was broken. I am so sorry for the pain you are going through.
I will pray for your comfort and strength during this holiday season.

Holly said...

Most of my tears come when I drive. It's when I listen to music most often. The funks can come out of nowhere and really bring you down. I hope work will serve as a distraction just a little.

Christy said...

I don't know how not to be sad, but I know how to be happy. It's just that the first part sometimes overrules the 2nd part...and there's nothing I can do about that. I know that all those things you mention that you have are not meaningless. They would be so much mroe perfect if Bryston was in your arms, I know. Ask, if you need to, for an extra hug or two from those you have around you. Get something physical from them when you can't from Bryston. I wish I could help you...I'm having a bad day, too.

Christy said...

I don't know how not to be sad, but I know how to be happy. It's just that the first part sometimes overrules the 2nd part...and there's nothing I can do about that. I know that all those things you mention that you have are not meaningless. They would be so much mroe perfect if Bryston was in your arms, I know. Ask, if you need to, for an extra hug or two from those you have around you. Get something physical from them when you can't from Bryston. I wish I could help you...I'm having a bad day, too.

Christy said...

I don't know how not to be sad, but I know how to be happy. It's just that the first part sometimes overrules the 2nd part...and there's nothing I can do about that. I know that all those things you mention that you have are not meaningless. They would be so much mroe perfect if Bryston was in your arms, I know. Ask, if you need to, for an extra hug or two from those you have around you. Get something physical from them when you can't from Bryston. I wish I could help you...I'm having a bad day, too.

Franchesca Cox said...

Oh wow, I was driving to work today and that term "shell shock" came to my mind. I was remembering how after 2 or 3 months I was at my absolute worst. I think it was like you said, shell shock of what your life has suddenly become. Almost overnight. I don't have anything new to say but just know it gets better. Nothing has to trigger the bad moments, they just happen. The pain your heart is feeling is Bryston in you. It won't always sting. I used to never believe that, but I am beginning to. It is bittersweet, but I know that whether the sting is there or not, Jenna will always live in my heart. And your Bryston lives on through your life.

XO

Allison (Ali) said...

i think that going back to work (even if i did go back too soon) is probably the best thing that i could have done, as it helped keep my mind occupied for at least a few hours at a time that I wasnt thinking about losing Cadynce.

Heres hoping that you have a good first day back. ~~hugs~~

Mackenzie's Mommy said...

This is exactly what I say when I'm at a low..."I can't believe this is my life." I wonder if we'll ever be able to fully "believe" it? It seems almost impossible to fully wrap my mind and heart around the reality that my baby is not and will not be with me. I'm sorry you're in a funk!! We all get that way and it's totally normal. You will come out of it and hopefully it's sooner than later but take the time you need to grieve.
xo
Ashley

livingintherainbow said...

What can I say?

You are not alone, you will get through this. Things will get easier at somepoint. You do have and can know a future that is beautiful ahead of you.

I hope the next few days, going back to work and the run up to Christmas are gentle on you

Jill said...

I often can't believe that this is my life also. My reality is a life without my babies here with me. I like the term shell shocked. That sums up a lot of how I too have been feeling. That is so sweet that you decorated Bryston's site. I bet it looks adorable.

I hope going back to work goes well for you. xo

Anonymous said...

I pray for you every day.. = )

Tiffany said...

We are only spiritual beings experiencing human life. It's hard for us to go through the things we do. You'll get out of this rut you're in. I have faith in you.
Thinking about you and praying for you daily.

Missing Kasey said...

You are not alone, I think is part of the grieving process. I remember crying everyday, everything would trigger something. Things "get better" they dont, but for lack of better words. You will get out of your rut. ((hugs))

Karen said...

It's so awful and I so relate to just about everything you've written. I keep hoping I'll wake up from this nightmare, too. Those five words, oh my. I've gone icy cold just reading them on your blog and how they impacted your world and all the rest of us. Horrible five words. (((Hugs)))

♥ Ali ♥ said...

I am here for you if you need me, and I understand <3

Akul's mama said...

Sunil and I see all the families together during the holidays ...every one has kids and we don't and that hurts so very very much. We miss Akul every minute of every day.

wife.mom.nurse said...

oh sweetie.

I wish I was there to wrap my arms around you and comfort you.

we walk forward in this journey of grief with you...stand by your side

always know you are not alone

prayers for you and hugs to you and you miss your most perfect Bryston

~Julie

~Julie

Bonnelle Pagel said...

Oh dear friend... thank you for your words of encouragement to me...when your grief is still so fresh and new. Reading your comment, then this post and all of the comments left for you.... all were sweet and such a great reminder that truly... we are not alone... and yes... all moms who have lost a child struggle around this time of year. Thank you so much dear friend. Please know that I love you and so appreciate your *HUGS* and here's one right back at ya! **HUGS**!!

Love you!!

Bonnelle

DeniFay said...

Jennifer,

how you put that into words so perfectly! You wake up and hope that just thus once will be the day that you're waking from the nightmare, from the pain! I don't know now how I got to your site, but so glad I did! Sending you love!

Deni