Monday, October 12, 2009

D-DAY

Today is your due date. Today has been a tough one. I have been thinking about this day since the day I walked out of that hospital empty handed and broken. October 12th 2009 was suppose to be a day of joy and new beginnings. I got my new beginning I guess, just not the one I had hoped for.

How am I suppose to do this? How am I suppose to live without you? The why's are ripping me apart. I want you back! I want my heart back!

I have been dreading this day for weeks. This past week especially. I've been moody and irritable, sad and weepy, and I've even found myself laughing thanks to my sister's visit home. How is that even possible? How could I even smile when my chest has such a gapping hole? What does that even say about me as a person? RRR, I hate these roller coaster emotions! I want off this ride and I want to return this damn ticket!

I spent the day doing things to remember you. I took your stuffed hippo to bed with me last night and clung to it as I cried myself to sleep. I whispered prayers to you and wondered if you could hear them. I wonder what you think of your Mama and if you know how sorry I am or how much I love and miss you. I lit your candle today and imagined what saying hello to you would have been like instead of goodbye. I painted blue sparrows on my toes and invisioned what you might have looked like at a healthy 7 lbs with pink skin & lips and rosy cheeks. I try to imgine what color your eyes would have been or what the sound of your cry would have sounded like. Would you have taken to nursing right away as I imagine you would have? Or would you have been a finicky eater? A mama's boy or your daddy's little shadow? Would you have been a good sleeper or had me pulling my hair out at 4 am every night? I wish God would give me more time with you. I miss you more than you'll ever know. You left a beautiful disaster in your wake lil man. Tomorrow your Daddy and I will visit your site and I'm hoping to release some balloons for you in your honor. Will you do me a favor and tell God that your poor Mama cant take anymore, ok? Ask him to send down some Angels to lend me some strength because he gave me more than I can take by taking you. I love you baby! I cant wait until the day were all together again and our family is whole once again.

P.S. Tell Emily we love her and miss her too.

Another PS.
Nana brought by a willow tree figurine today in your memory. Its the new life one with the mama and daddy holding a new baby. I thought it was a cool way to memorialize your new life in Heaven!
XOXO,

Mama


23 comments:

ღJessicaღ said...

We love you perfect baby boy! I thought about you all day yesterday when I drove home from visiting your mama! I saw bird after bird hovering over my car as we traveled and thought of you each time!

Mama-Bryston is definately watching over you and is truly blessed to have you as his mama.

Sheryl said...

wouldn't it be great to know what God is up to behind the scenes? it sure makes no sense in our human minds. pain can be unbearable. i am sooooo sorry for what you are feeling today. (i know you feel it everyday, but i am sure it's magnified today)

God has sent you others to help carry you through. to stand in the gap and pray for you when you can't pray for yourself.

asking God to continue to bring you moments of unexpected joy. you are a blessing to me & i know to many others. love to you.

Rea-Rea said...

Jennifer, thinking of you today & many other days!! You are such a strong & wonderful person & mother!! Bryston is very blessed to have such loving parents as you and Ty are!! Have a good visit & I am sure God will answer your prayers...you have a great listener on your hands, your baby boy. Love you & take care!!

Franchesca Cox said...

I am so sorry. I know that D-day is the day that I dreaded after Jenna died. I know Bryston is watching you and can see all the tears you cry and every moment that you're missing him. I wish your baby boy was with you tonight. My heart hurts for you.

xo

Jen said...

I am sorry for your heartache..praying for you...

Jen

Once A Mother said...

wow there is just so very much of this post that speaks to me, especially your words "How am I suppose to do this? How am I suppose to live without you? The why's are ripping me apart. I want you back! I want my heart back!" will we ever get our hearts back?
I am missing your Bryston with you tonight, and lifting you all up in prayers tonight for strength through this journey, and peace in your hearts.
Hugs

Katie said...

Jennifer ~ I'm so sorry today was so difficult for you. I remember all to well living through my scheduled C-section date and due date. My hearts breaks for you, and I pray you find peace tonight despite your pain.

Akul's mama said...

I really am very very sorry for your loss. You have written a beautiful letter to your son. You are so right ...God has given us much more pain than what we can bear. It is hard ...really hard. Sending you comforting hugsss.

Karen said...

My heart breaks for your pain, Jennifer. I'm so sorry Bryston isn't with you on earth. You've written a lovely letter to your boy and I hope you do feel some peace and comfort tonight. (((Hugs)))

Sarah said...

Jen - Hang in there hun. Thinking of you a lot lately...praying for you and Ty!

Love you

Nan said...

I am so sorry for your loss Jennifer. All "dates" seem to be hard and make mush out of me. Your angel is definitely playing in the clouds thinking of you. Prayers to get you through another day. Hugs, Nan xo

Mary Ellen said...

Lifting you in prayer today. D-Days are so hard and I am praying that God will hold you a little tighter this week. I have been thinking about you and praying for you this week.

He & Me + 3 said...

You sweet sweet thing. I am praying for you today. Your heart is just beautiful.
Hugs,
mimi

Missing Kasey said...

You took many words out of my mouth. I have tears streaming down my face. This is all so unfair. ((hugs)) I wish we could get a return ticket and have a different outcome!

Seraphim said...

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Please stop by Rory's Garden tomorrow. Bryston has been remembered there in a special way for Remembrance Day xxxxx

Jody said...

I'm praying for you! My due date was Nov. 4 of last year. I'm dreading it to come again this year. =(

Bree said...

Thinking of you today. Bryston's butterfly is up on my site now. Please click on Ella's Parade of Butterflies. :)

Danielle said...

Due dates are hard. I think it's cute that you painted blue sparrows on your toes :)

I got you something for your due date, but I need you to e-mail me your address if you don't mind please.

Thinking of you... (((Hugs)))

Bonnelle Pagel said...

Hello,

Today I discovered that you follow my blog. I'm touched and honored because I know that to be a blog "follower" it means at some point and time I said something that meant something to you.

As I have sat reading a part of your story... I remember the day my son went to Heaven...

Please know I have no cliche's or great words to say but if I ever had the privilege of meeting you, I would hug you and weep with you and share stories over coffee with you.

With much love and prayers,
Bonnelle
(from Omaha)

brian said...

Genuinely sorry...

wife.mom.nurse said...

I am so sorry that I was not up and running with my computer on this special day.

Continuing to pray for the two of you during these difficult days.

~Julie

Holly said...

I'm days late but I am sending you a hug. Those dates are definitely tougher getting through. You wonder what they would've been like. You never stop wondering.

Alicia said...

It's so easy for us on this end to say that we're sorry. I know that that doesn't lessen the pain you have, but I hope that you can feel the peace that only the Lord can bring.