D-DAY

Today is your due date. Today has been a tough one. I have been thinking about this day since the day I walked out of that hospital empty handed and broken. October 12th 2009 was suppose to be a day of joy and new beginnings. I got my new beginning I guess, just not the one I had hoped for.

How am I suppose to do this? How am I suppose to live without you? The why's are ripping me apart. I want you back! I want my heart back!

I have been dreading this day for weeks. This past week especially. I've been moody and irritable, sad and weepy, and I've even found myself laughing thanks to my sister's visit home. How is that even possible? How could I even smile when my chest has such a gapping hole? What does that even say about me as a person? RRR, I hate these roller coaster emotions! I want off this ride and I want to return this damn ticket!

I spent the day doing things to remember you. I took your stuffed hippo to bed with me last night and clung to it as I cried myself to sleep. I whispered prayers to you and wondered if you could hear them. I wonder what you think of your Mama and if you know how sorry I am or how much I love and miss you. I lit your candle today and imagined what saying hello to you would have been like instead of goodbye. I painted blue sparrows on my toes and invisioned what you might have looked like at a healthy 7 lbs with pink skin & lips and rosy cheeks. I try to imgine what color your eyes would have been or what the sound of your cry would have sounded like. Would you have taken to nursing right away as I imagine you would have? Or would you have been a finicky eater? A mama's boy or your daddy's little shadow? Would you have been a good sleeper or had me pulling my hair out at 4 am every night? I wish God would give me more time with you. I miss you more than you'll ever know. You left a beautiful disaster in your wake lil man. Tomorrow your Daddy and I will visit your site and I'm hoping to release some balloons for you in your honor. Will you do me a favor and tell God that your poor Mama cant take anymore, ok? Ask him to send down some Angels to lend me some strength because he gave me more than I can take by taking you. I love you baby! I cant wait until the day were all together again and our family is whole once again.

P.S. Tell Emily we love her and miss her too.

Another PS.
Nana brought by a willow tree figurine today in your memory. Its the new life one with the mama and daddy holding a new baby. I thought it was a cool way to memorialize your new life in Heaven!
XOXO,

Mama