Sunday, September 13, 2009


Since the night when we heard those awful words, "I'm not getting a heartbeat here," I have wrestled with the question of Why? Why did God let this happen? And how can God be a Good, Loving, or even a Just God when he allowed my baby to die?

I have always been a believer and before loosing Bryston I had never doubted his love for me, not even once! I have always had a relationship with God, but now I just don't know. My God, at least the one that I have grown to love and trust over the years wouldn't do this to me. Or would he? I hate that I have these doubts! If I doubt the possibility of God, then I couldn't pretend that I still think that Bryston is in Heaven, could I? But I do think that he is in Heaven. If I didn't honestly believe that then I would have to give up. I'd just lay down and die if I really believed that there was no Heaven. What would be the point then?

A few years ago I went to a Women Of Faith conference in Kansas City with some friends and family. The theme of that years conferences was Extraordinary Faith. In that 2 day conference back in 2005 sitting in those seats, I listened and I learned. I sat there unaware that the message that they spoke about would have such deep meaning to me in the years ahead. I sat and watched Natalie Grant live sing,"Held," and could not have even of had the slightest idea that one day that song would mean so much to me.

I learned during that weekend that we as Christians are not promised a perfect life, protected from suffering. I learned that we may suffer more because of that very fact. I learned that God didn't promise me a life without suffering, that he in fact promised that we would suffer while living in this fallen world. And that all that we can do is trust and have faith that he will see us through.

Looking back, I know, that I was meant to hear that weekends message. That God placed me in those seats for a reason. He was speaking to me that day. He was telling me in advance that he loved me. That he would be there 4 years later. Even when I was screaming and shaking my fist at him and refusing to acknowledge him. Even while I was smearing blame on him for taking Bryston away, he would be here. I sit here now in front of this computer screen and I cant even remember the last time that I spoke kindly to him. I have been so angry at him and I have shut my heart off to him. He has been here though, holding me. I have felt him and other times I have felt the space he gave me when I needed it. He has sent me sparrows for Bryston every single day even when I was cursing him. I have not been very good at Praising him in the Storm, But I am going to start, right now. It wasn't God who took my son. It was this fallen sinful world that we live in and the circumstances we face while living in it.

What God did do was hold me. He cried with me the day that I learned that Bryston was gone. He is still crying with me. God did give me the best family and husband that he knew that I would need to help me through this. He did spare my life that day and kept me from dying on that table after loosing so much blood. God did promise me his love and he did promise me hope of a better life and that I will one day see and hold my son and he will see and hold me back.

I am not saying that I wont still have bad days and that I still wont have a few doubts and questions, but I know that I'm taking a step in the right direction. And that's direction is Faith.

"Faith comes from hearing the message, and the message comes through preaching Christ." Romans 10:17


Just Breathe said...

I am glad that God is holding you and walking beside you each day.
Your words are true, who wouldn't question why. I like the direction you are moving in. I pray for your strength and comfort.

Anonymous said...

I am so happy to hear you say that! I can't relate to your situation, but I have felt despair many times in my life.

“For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
plans to give you hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29:22).

You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. Genesis 50:20

Your outlook will help many. I will be praying for you :) said...

Standing beside you as you walk, and even crawl, this difficult journey.

My bereaved soul has had the same questions and the same anger.

I am ultimately thankful for so many things about God... but a couple here:

I am thankful that God can handle all of my emotions and still stand beside me.

I am thankful that God created those special people that I had only a short time with here on earth and knowing that we will be together again.

Praying for you this morning.


ღJessicaღ said...

It is in those times we feel most alone that He is the closest to us. I've been praying for you and will continue to. I believe the prayers are working! You are seeing some light instead of all darkness!

We need to go to Women of Faith this year! It's been too long!

Mary Ellen said...

My heartbreaks for the emotions that I know all to well. I just wanted to tell you that these are totally normal and you are not along in feeling this way. After the loss of my first child I didnt think that the rift between God and I would ever heal. Over time ( good and bad days) I learned just what you posted. God is there with open arms just waiting for me to come back to him so he can lift me up again. With each loss, the process would start over and I started to fear I may never have faith, but my Savior promised to be there for me when this world fails me. He never will! I cling to this and now I try to remember that although I dont know the "plan" I am in his hands any children are home. I find comfort in that not. It certainly doesnt take away the pain and the longing but it does give me peace that I know my family will be whole one day. And in the mean time I get up everyday and breath.

I pray for this peace for you as well. The journey is long and full of ups and downs but I promise one day you will see the light and feel the peace. In the mean time allow yourself to grieve and know that He knows your fears and questions already, so release them to Him in order to release yourself from them. Praying for you!!

Franchesca Cox said...

As we pick up the pieces of our shattered lives and bleeding hearts, we cannot help but question how on earth this plan can be perfect. All we CAN do is pick up the pieces. Bryston IS in Heaven, you are right. That doesn't take the pain away but it does give us something worthwhile. It is amazing that you can find things that God HAS done even in your despair. Praying for you today.

Danielle said...

I learned a completely new side to God when Wyatt was born... A side I didn't know existed, but am glad is there. I learned it's okay to be mad at God and to yell at him. He can handle it. It's okay to question why, because you're simply admitting you don't understand. How could we understand? I know I never will this side of heaven. I don't like it, but I accept it.

Your right, the only thing that keeps me going is knowing that I WILL see Wyatt again someday in heaven. Some days, that really is ALL I find myself hanging onto.

Hang onto your faith. I'm praying for you.

Sheryl said...

amen, jennifer!! it is through the trials that we come to know Jesus so much better if we'll allow it.

i'm so glad you know that God did not do this. boy, that's hard to grasp sometimes, isn't it? praying that the healing of your broken heart continues a bit more today.

He & Me + 3 said...

You are so right. He feels your pain, He cried with you...He is with you through it all. When you are too weak to carry on He will carry you. Cling to Him, He will never let you down..He understands your loss.

Once A Mother said...

I wish I too could find that comfort in my faith, could believe that God has been with me through this. Your faithfulness inspires me.

Lyr said...

I came across your blog and my heart broke. I’m so sorry that you are going through this. I can imagine the pain or even fathom the loss you are feeling. I can relate though to the question! Why? I ask myself all the time!! Though my circumstances are very different, I still wonder why. This post touched my heart! Thank you for sharing yours! :)

andrea said...

jennifer, thank you so much for sharing this entry. you are not alone! aaron and i were told three years ago that we would need medical assistance to even have a shot at having kids of our own. we have both done several treatments and i have had two surgeries. we still do not have the results we hope for everyday. i can honestly say my biggest struggle through all of this is not getting any answers. maybe i am not listening well enough but i feel the only answer i get is to just have faith that God has everything under control.....when the answer i want is whether or not i will be able to have my own children. i have a huge desire in my heart that isn't being met and everyday i am reminded of what i don't have. i do know one thing, that without knowing God has a plan for my life i would have no hope and that is what keeps me coming back to Him. i am so glad to see you have a lot of supportive friends, that has helped me out a ton during our trial. so thank you for sharing, it was an encouragement to me to read how you are working to get through this hard time. God Bless!

brian said...

Your postings always leave this fireman at a loss for words. Your writing is so honest and direct. All I can say is that I agree with you that God remains with us during life's sorrows, and there will come a time when every tear will be wiped away...

Anonymous said...

Thank you for the honesty and faith in your post. I really relate to some of the issues here. These are early days for you so be gentle on yourself and don't be surprised when you are mad a God sometimes - read the psalms, David was too.

For us this Saturday marks a year since our daughter Abigail died. It still hurts so much but it is good to know God weeps with us.

God Bless