Since the night when we heard those awful words, "I'm not getting a heartbeat here," I have wrestled with the question of Why? Why did God let this happen? And how can God be a Good, Loving, or even a Just God when he allowed my baby to die?
I have always been a believer and before loosing Bryston I had never doubted his love for me, not even once! I have always had a relationship with God, but now I just don't know. My God, at least the one that I have grown to love and trust over the years wouldn't do this to me. Or would he? I hate that I have these doubts! If I doubt the possibility of God, then I couldn't pretend that I still think that Bryston is in Heaven, could I? But I do think that he is in Heaven. If I didn't honestly believe that then I would have to give up. I'd just lay down and die if I really believed that there was no Heaven. What would be the point then?
A few years ago I went to a Women Of Faith conference in Kansas City with some friends and family. The theme of that years conferences was Extraordinary Faith. In that 2 day conference back in 2005 sitting in those seats, I listened and I learned. I sat there unaware that the message that they spoke about would have such deep meaning to me in the years ahead. I sat and watched Natalie Grant live sing,"Held," and could not have even of had the slightest idea that one day that song would mean so much to me.
I learned during that weekend that we as Christians are not promised a perfect life, protected from suffering. I learned that we may suffer more because of that very fact. I learned that God didn't promise me a life without suffering, that he in fact promised that we would suffer while living in this fallen world. And that all that we can do is trust and have faith that he will see us through.
Looking back, I know, that I was meant to hear that weekends message. That God placed me in those seats for a reason. He was speaking to me that day. He was telling me in advance that he loved me. That he would be there 4 years later. Even when I was screaming and shaking my fist at him and refusing to acknowledge him. Even while I was smearing blame on him for taking Bryston away, he would be here. I sit here now in front of this computer screen and I cant even remember the last time that I spoke kindly to him. I have been so angry at him and I have shut my heart off to him. He has been here though, holding me. I have felt him and other times I have felt the space he gave me when I needed it. He has sent me sparrows for Bryston every single day even when I was cursing him. I have not been very good at Praising him in the Storm, But I am going to start, right now. It wasn't God who took my son. It was this fallen sinful world that we live in and the circumstances we face while living in it.
What God did do was hold me. He cried with me the day that I learned that Bryston was gone. He is still crying with me. God did give me the best family and husband that he knew that I would need to help me through this. He did spare my life that day and kept me from dying on that table after loosing so much blood. God did promise me his love and he did promise me hope of a better life and that I will one day see and hold my son and he will see and hold me back.
I am not saying that I wont still have bad days and that I still wont have a few doubts and questions, but I know that I'm taking a step in the right direction. And that's direction is Faith.
"Faith comes from hearing the message, and the message comes through preaching Christ." Romans 10:17
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Posted by The Blue Sparrow at 9:07 PM