Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Computer Problems & Update



Sorry about the lapse in posting the last few days. Our computer is down so we sent it in to be fixed. We wont have it back for about another week so I am posting this from our local library. I am able to read all of your posts(and have been), from our wii but to post or comment would take an eternity so the library it is ;D

I feel I have been in sort of a holding pattern for the last few days. I'm feeling pretty numb. I'm not sure what that's about. Maybe its a sort of delayed shock, I don't know. All I know is that I am still very much preoccupied with thoughts of Bryston, but it doesn't feel real. I still feel as if I will deliver and have him alive on his due date in about 20 days. I'm not delusional and I know this isn't real, but that's the best way I have to describe the way I'm feeling at the moment. Emotional Denial I guess. Im not sure how I am going to react when his due date comes and passes without him here.

I daydream about what it would have been like if he was delivered alive. I dream of rocking him and nursing him. I imagine him cooing and smiling at me. I can almost feel his warm little body against mine again. I imagine his pink skin and lips instead of the blood red lips and bloody nose that greeted me. He looks at me with hazel eyes like mine and I feel whole once again. My arms no longer ache and I cry tears of joy instead of despair.

Bryston would have been 2 months this coming Thursday. I have to work that day. I wont be able to visit his site but I am hoping to go this coming weekend. I hate the fact that his site isn't marked yet. The hospital will be providing the headstone since he was buried with other still babies, but they have not done it yet. All that is there is a flag marking his spot and what I have placed there in remembrance of him. I hate that he is covered with the earth instead of blankets in his crib.

10 comments:

Mary Ellen said...

Praying for you today. Praying that you will feel comforted in knowing that there is another mother praying for you.

Missing Kasey said...

((hugs))

Missing Kasey said...

((hugs))

Danielle said...

Your not alone. I would give anything to hold Wyatt again, even if it was just his body.

Praying for you. ((Hugs))

Just Breathe said...

I wish it could be different for you. ((HUGS))

Franchesca Cox said...

I remember feeling numb too. It bothered me at the time, but the intense numbness eventually passed. It didn't feel real and it still doesn't sometimes. I think about you and will be praying for you this Thursday. Love to the sky

Akul's mama said...

Strangely as more time passes my urge to hold Akul increases. When I drive home from work at night, I wipe earndless tears because I see his clear bright eyes look at me as if asking,"where am I mom." That is how I saw him when he emerged from my womb. Full of curiosity and wonder, he was so full of life. So, I conclude, we all feel the same way...we are all moms.

wife.mom.nurse said...

I have been thinking of you often these days. Glad to hear from you again and so sorry to hear about your computer!

There are so many days that bring pain, vivid memories, reminders of broken dreams.

Also days to rejoice, thank God for the time you did have, to remember the kicks and rolls, to remember the feel of a little extremity below your fingers.

Praying for each day of this sad journey, that you will feel God's presence and when the feeling is not there, the knowledge that He is there anyway and that he loves you.

~Julie

Alison said...

{{HUGS}} I am right there with you. Moira should be 4months old right now and instead it's been 4 months since she died. I hate thinking about what she would be doing now, it makes me so sad.

Anonymous said...

came across your post and said a prayer for you. please know that even the prayers of strangers will be effective in your healing. it will never be the same in your life again. you will become stronger in heart, love and FAITH. God bless you and your family