Sorry about the lapse in posting the last few days. Our computer is down so we sent it in to be fixed. We wont have it back for about another week so I am posting this from our local library. I am able to read all of your posts(and have been), from our wii but to post or comment would take an eternity so the library it is ;D
I feel I have been in sort of a holding pattern for the last few days. I'm feeling pretty numb. I'm not sure what that's about. Maybe its a sort of delayed shock, I don't know. All I know is that I am still very much preoccupied with thoughts of Bryston, but it doesn't feel real. I still feel as if I will deliver and have him alive on his due date in about 20 days. I'm not delusional and I know this isn't real, but that's the best way I have to describe the way I'm feeling at the moment. Emotional Denial I guess. Im not sure how I am going to react when his due date comes and passes without him here.
I daydream about what it would have been like if he was delivered alive. I dream of rocking him and nursing him. I imagine him cooing and smiling at me. I can almost feel his warm little body against mine again. I imagine his pink skin and lips instead of the blood red lips and bloody nose that greeted me. He looks at me with hazel eyes like mine and I feel whole once again. My arms no longer ache and I cry tears of joy instead of despair.
Bryston would have been 2 months this coming Thursday. I have to work that day. I wont be able to visit his site but I am hoping to go this coming weekend. I hate the fact that his site isn't marked yet. The hospital will be providing the headstone since he was buried with other still babies, but they have not done it yet. All that is there is a flag marking his spot and what I have placed there in remembrance of him. I hate that he is covered with the earth instead of blankets in his crib.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Posted by The Blue Sparrow at 1:19 PM