I set off to work this morning feeling overwhelmed by sadness. Today I returned to work after taking nearly 7 weeks of maternity leave and I left no baby at home this morning. It rips my heart out typing those words. My baby is gone. My Bryston is in Heaven. I hate this! I hate how unfair this is! Why does this have to be me? Why my family? Was I not a good enough Christian? I don't get it? Is this my punishment for being too lukewarm in my faith? I'm driving to work and I start to calm down. I start to actually feel okay, or at least my new definition of okay. And my day starts to unfold and I start to think to myself maybe they are right. Maybe this is going to be okay and coming back to work is the best thing for me right now. And then it happened. Myself, 2 clients of mine, a co-worker(Which I am lucky enough for that to be my mother)go to lunch. As we are walking into the restaurant a woman that I casually know is sitting outside on her smoke break. She says hello to me then makes a funny face and asks, "Did you have that baby?" And my heart starts to break all over again. I say, "No he was stillborn." She then replied, "OOhh, I'm so sorry! I did hear that though, I guess!" Why even ask me then? I just walked away without another word. I walked into the restaurant with our 2 clients and my mother crying in front of a bigger audience than I ever imagined I would this morning. I did not wait to be seated. I sat at the first empty table I found and I wept. I know she meant well, I do. It just hurt, deeply.
The second half of the day was better, but not by much. I endured puppy dog face after puppy dog face reminding me of what I have lost. I sat threw another client telling me how sorry she is and how much she missed me. Which is nice, but so hard to listen to when I'm trying to regain some sense of professionalism or normalcy to work and not be an emotional wreck. Then as the tv is turned on at work I hear that Nicole Richie gave birth to her little boy today, his name you ask, is Sparrow. A special hello sent from my little one on a rough day, I smiled and the tears fell in the same perfect moment.
I found myself avoiding eye contact and sharing elevators with anyone I knew. By the time my day was over, 14 hours in, I was the last one out the office. It was completly empty. That was the only thing that went right today, so I locked up. As I'm walking across the empty parking lot I started to cry. And I havent stopped yet....
I miss you baby, so badly! My soul aches to be with you! Mommy loves and misses you so so much my little man!
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Posted by The Blue Sparrow at 9:05 PM