Wednesday, September 9, 2009

How my 1st day back went



I set off to work this morning feeling overwhelmed by sadness. Today I returned to work after taking nearly 7 weeks of maternity leave and I left no baby at home this morning. It rips my heart out typing those words. My baby is gone. My Bryston is in Heaven. I hate this! I hate how unfair this is! Why does this have to be me? Why my family? Was I not a good enough Christian? I don't get it? Is this my punishment for being too lukewarm in my faith? I'm driving to work and I start to calm down. I start to actually feel okay, or at least my new definition of okay. And my day starts to unfold and I start to think to myself maybe they are right. Maybe this is going to be okay and coming back to work is the best thing for me right now. And then it happened. Myself, 2 clients of mine, a co-worker(Which I am lucky enough for that to be my mother)go to lunch. As we are walking into the restaurant a woman that I casually know is sitting outside on her smoke break. She says hello to me then makes a funny face and asks, "Did you have that baby?" And my heart starts to break all over again. I say, "No he was stillborn." She then replied, "OOhh, I'm so sorry! I did hear that though, I guess!" Why even ask me then? I just walked away without another word. I walked into the restaurant with our 2 clients and my mother crying in front of a bigger audience than I ever imagined I would this morning. I did not wait to be seated. I sat at the first empty table I found and I wept. I know she meant well, I do. It just hurt, deeply.


The second half of the day was better, but not by much. I endured puppy dog face after puppy dog face reminding me of what I have lost. I sat threw another client telling me how sorry she is and how much she missed me. Which is nice, but so hard to listen to when I'm trying to regain some sense of professionalism or normalcy to work and not be an emotional wreck. Then as the tv is turned on at work I hear that Nicole Richie gave birth to her little boy today, his name you ask, is Sparrow. A special hello sent from my little one on a rough day, I smiled and the tears fell in the same perfect moment.

I found myself avoiding eye contact and sharing elevators with anyone I knew. By the time my day was over, 14 hours in, I was the last one out the office. It was completly empty. That was the only thing that went right today, so I locked up. As I'm walking across the empty parking lot I started to cry. And I havent stopped yet....


I miss you baby, so badly! My soul aches to be with you! Mommy loves and misses you so so much my little man!

16 comments:

Amber said...

Jenn,
It is okay to cry. It is okay to be scared, it is okay to have every emotion you have. I am standing right beside supporting you even if I do not see you or you do not see me. I am here for you. Bryston was so lucky to be in the arms of the most loving parents God chose for him. I am not even going to try to understand what you are going through because I don't. I am so glad you let us into your thoughts as you blog. You do not have to borrow my strentgh you can take it. I think of you all the time and your sweet little boy. I am so glad you shared him with all of us. Thank you. Hugs, prayers and love sent your way. Bryston is absolutely beautiful!!

Mackenzie's Mommy said...

I'm so sorry those things happened on your FIRST day back!! I've been back at work for about 6 weeks and I haven't had anyone that doesn't know what happened ask about Mackenzie...but I worry about it everytime I see someone I think may not know. I'm impressed that you were able to answer. I'm not sure what I would do. It's one of my biggest fears since Mackenzie died. Another big fear I have is that we will hire someone named Mackenzie or that a co-worker will name their baby Mackenzie. I hope your next work day is better. I'll be thinking of you and Bryston!!
xo
Ashley

wife.mom.nurse said...

I am glad that you have leaped this first huge hurdle.

What a day. People blow me away sometimes. What could that woman have been thinking.

I'm praying for you.

Akul's mama said...

You know it does not matter what we do...stay home, go to work, go shopping, drive a car, take a shower, cook, clean...we miss our children. They are supposed to be a part of all aspects of our life. Just the other day I stopped at a red light on my way home from work and sat sobbing because Akul would not be waiting for me when I got home. I would have no baby to hug and cuddle ... no one waits for mom at our home.

Alicia said...

I remember being the person on the other side of the fence, and not really "knowing" what to say or even the lack of saying anything.

I'm so sorry that your emotions were a roller coaster today.

We might not have all the answers, but we have to keep trusting in God that He works everything out for good.

Brandi said...

Wow, the ignorance of some people is astonishing... At least the first day is behind you. You are in my prayers this morning and I hope today is better (or at least that people keep their big, fat mouths shut!) ;)

Who We'll Forever Be. said...

oh wow, what a day. i know how you feel with this being unfair. it's nothing you did, it's not karma, or lukewarm faith.

you are going to get the questions and the unwanted sympathy for a while. and it sucks.

i'm glad you saw the beautiful moment given to you from your son through another child named sparrow. keep your eyes open, you'll be amazed at how he'll be everywhere!

xxMB

Sarah said...

What a day Jenn - I hope and pray that each days gets better for you. Lean on the people that love you most Jenn and let them carry you through this time!

Love you hun - call me if you need to talk or not talk about anything!

ღJessicaღ said...

Isn't it neat that you were just thinking you didn't know weather or not Bryston could possibly know what was going on in your life here on earth and yet he loves you so much that he WAS there for you on your 1st day back to work. He knows what "sparrow" means to you and he loves you enough to ask the Lord to send you a sparrow when you needed the strength. He is with you everyday...I hope you can take some comfort in that.

If you need me....call me...or come visit! We'll probably come home in October to be with you guys! I am gonna try my hardest!

Missing Kasey said...
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The Blue Sparrow said...
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Just Breathe said...

You accomplished the first day and of course the tears are coming. I am so sorry for the journey you must walk. I will pray for your comfort, strength and peace. (HUGS)

Danielle said...

((HUGS))

I'm sorry your first day back was so hard. I've been praying things would go more smoothly for you. I hope it gets better for you. A LOT better.

And I wanted to thank you for your support in helping me get Wyatt's birth certificate. I read what you wrote on the petition, and I appreciate you so very much. You have so much going on in your own life... Thank you just doesn't seem like enough. However, it's all I have to give you besides my own support and prayers for YOU.

Know I'm here if you ever need someone to talk to.

The Blue Sparrow said...

I accidently deleted some of my comments! Sorry! But I wanted to let you all know that today wasnt much better. A lady asked me if I was the girl who just had the baby. I answered yes, he was stillborn. She said, Oh what was it? I said, A boy. She then asked, Well, how is he. Umm, hello? To which I replied, Stillborn. Seriously? The things people are saying to me is insane!

Franchesca Cox said...

Lots and lots of (((HUGS)))

Mary Ellen said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you on going back to work. Trying to go back to what "normal" used to be was one of the hardest things for me. But in your own time you will find a new normal and those beautiful little hellos from your sweet baby will be apart of that new normal that allows for smiles and happiness. I tell everyone that I never knew that I could even breath after loosing 3 children but amazingly I do everyday. Somedays are harder than others but I cling to my Savior and know that when I cant he is carrying and breathing for me. I am praying for you!! ((HUGS))