Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Fears




I've been noticing alot lately how fear is playing into my daily life more and more. I mean I've always had general fears like bugs, heights, guns and driving on gravel roads. But my fears are more pronounced after loosing Bryston. I dont know if this is a normal part of the greiving process or what? Did you guys go through this to?

A week or so ago Ty wanted to get me out of the house for a day. We've always enjoyed atv riding so we decided to spend an afternoon doing that. Ty's never been a crazy driver while on the 4 wheelers and I normally have no problem trusting his decisions while on it, but this time it was different. Terrains or jumps that would have had me giggeling before now terrified me. I was so worried that one of us would get hurt. The other day Ty was watching tv and the guy on the program was target shooting. He shot his gun and the bullet bounced off the target and came back at the man shooting the hat off his head. My husband is an avid hunter and the deer season is about to gear up in a month, so I now I'm worrying like crazy about that. I know its an irrational fear. I know that my husband has hunted his whole life and that he takes all the safety measures that he can, but it doesnt help calm my fears. Then yesterday my husband and I were in his pickup and he recieved an EMT call. So, I rode along since he was on call and didnt have time to take me home. The gravel road we had to take to get there almost had me in tears. I white knuckeled it the entire way there. Ty didnt get why I was so afraid and kept asking him to slow down. I didnt want to break down before his call since his attention needed to be on taking care of the patient and not on me. Its like a dripping faucet kind of. These fears are like the dripping water. It drips a little and you dont pay attention to it. But then it's sprung a leak and it's going everywhere and you panick. And now your left with a huge mess.

I know that this probably steams from not wanting to loose what I have left. That I couldnt bear to loose him. I couldnt stand to go on without both him and Bryston. I cant help imagining the worst now that I know that it can happen to us. I'm no longer able to live innocently because we're living it. I know that it could happen again. My world could be ripped our from under me yet again. I read your blogs and some of you have lived throug this 3 or 4 times with loosing your babies. How does this happen? How does a pain that raw and severe not kill us dead? How do we live in a world so modern and full of the lastest medical technology and still have our babies dying? Does anyone have the answer to that? I doubt it. I'm sitting here knowing that I wont have any of those answers this side of heaven. So I'm left with the knowledge that none of us are safe from this. That we live in this fallen world and have to deal with our humanness.

It really puts into perspective how not in control we really are. That would have comforted me a few months ago, but now it just scares the crap out me. No doctor, No scienctist, No millionare can heal, discover, or buy that control of our lives. Where does that leave us? I am a Christian and God's love and mercy didnt save my baby! He was in control and this still happened. I am having a really hard time with that. I have always been a believer. I've never before questioned his goodness or love for me. But now, how could I not? I still beleive. I do. I am just having a really hard time trusting. Do you think God is going to hold that against me? That my mistrust and fear right now is a sin? Because I really dont know anymore. I dont want to feel this way but I do. Everytime I think Im making progress I fall back a few steps and have to start over. I hate feeling this weak and needing to lean on other people. I dont know how to do this. Are these feeling at all normal? Did any of you go through this fear and anxiety about what could happen next too?

9 comments:

Once A Mother said...

So much of this post resonated for me. First let me say that yes yes a thousand times yes to the increase in fears. I have spent the past 10 months watching the sky waiting for it to fall. How can we not be in fear... we have, as you said, lost our innocence. I also want to speak to your point on Faith. I was very faithful before Peyton's birth, and I am struggling with my faith now because I feel abandoned and felt like Peyton was abandoned. This is a daily struggle that I am working to repair my relationship and trust in God and how can we not have doubts... as you said we are human. Your comment summed it up so well " I'm sitting here knowing that I wont have any of those answers this side of heaven. So I'm left with the knowledge that none of us are safe from this. That we live in this fallen world and have to deal with our humanness." I have often wondered if this is a test of my faith and I am failing, whether that will keep me from her in the next world. I guess with this rambling response what I am trying to say is that all of your feelings, all of OUR feelings, are normal considering the circumstances. Sending you prayers for understanding and peace.

Brandi said...

I don't know if you read Kelly's Korner, but several weeks ago she posted about a friend, Katie, who lost her baby girl. She was nearly term and it was not expected. Her blog is www.therowefam.blogspot.com

I'm just passing this along because her perspective on the loss of her daughter and her relationship with God is inspiring, and I'm not far enough along in my spiritual journey to minister to anyone. My faith is strong, but I'm by no means at that point yet to verbally express what I know in my heart.

Although my experiences were very different because the babies I lost were too small to touch or hold, I did have similar feelings. So, I'd say that what you're feeling is completely normal and no, I do not believe He would ever hold that against you.

Franchesca Cox said...

I recently found your blog and I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my firstborn almost four months ago.

Please don't question your feelings and anger and fears. That is unfortunately the new normal we are subverted to. This new shaky ground hardly feels reliable. But He is, He really is. You are right. His mercy did not save our babies, but He could have and that part I will NEVER get. Never. I don't like that word, but there it is. Never. In spite of the fact that it is hard to trust God right now, I believe that He gets it. I hardly think He considers our anger a sin. He put that love in your heart for your sweet baby boy. How else are you supposed to feel but torn up and angry?

Just let yourself feel whatever you are feeling. I get shaken up by things too as I cannot imagine losing anyone else in my world on top of losing my sweet Jenna. Know that you are not alone even when it feels like it. xx

He & Me + 3 said...

I used to be a free spirit...ride all the roller coasters, fly in planes, etc. Now I am so scared. I think it just happens a little when you become a mother. You become more protective of everything & you realize the true danger. I think that God puts a certain amount in us to keep us more grounded about some of the dangers. He doesn't want us to live in fear just be careful. I fear so much...I know that it is not from HIM...But yet I still am afraid. I know exactly what you are talking about.

Danielle said...

I am scared of everything now! It starts raining and I worry a tornado will blow my house away it's so bad... I'm sure it will get better, but I told my husband I wish I could just go back to being the nieve person I used to be.

A couple of weeks ago I was really struggling with the idea that God broke my trust. I wrote a post on it called "Faith and Trust". Check it out and see if it helps. I found scripture that supported everything I wrote about, and I felt a little better after diving into God's promises. Hope it helps.

Just know you are not alone! I'm here if you need to talk.

Sarah said...

Jenn - You are a mama with or without Bryston in your arms. You carry him in your heart. As I read your post, I smiled because you took me back to high school with ya. I look back at before I had Addy and Jax and you know as well as anyone, I would hop on the back of a motorcycle, do wreckless and crazy things -actually I think we did a lot of these things together if I remember correctly...

It all changed when I had Addy. The fears that once were hidden by the thrill are just more visible. You have experienced the worst fear - losing a child. You have become protective of life just as a mother does.

Love you girl! I miss you!

Teresa @ Grammy Girlfriend said...

Just read your story and was so touched by your story...Praying for peace. I battle fear often...

wife.mom.nurse said...

Over the years that I have worked with mom's who have lost babies I have seen a lot of fear. One of the things it stems from is the loss of innocence. Where as before, horrific loss and grief were just a concept, you now know that they are real in this world and it is darn scary.

Just of few of my thoughts:God is big. He knows you inside and out. You are grieving. He knows grief. He can handle your feelings.

Praying for you...

Rachel said...

Friend - it is not a sin to question. Especially when you think that God is grieving with you.

When He created this whole world, no... I don't think it was ever in His plan for people to suffer this kind of loss.

This fallen, imperfect world is a scary place to be. The only thing we can do - until we reach that perfect un-scary place, is to trust that He will never leave or forsake us. He walks in these same steps as we do. And He is excited for the day you come home and hold your little boy again.

The only thing I can offer (since I have struggled with "God's will" many times), is to not waste it. Whatever good that can possibly come from pain and heartache... USE IT. Squeeze every bit of Bryston's goodness into whatever you set your heart to do.

Dump that pain onto God however often you need to. Don't beat yourself up for feeling it, and know that people are still praying for you, and still grateful to have met Bryston through you.