I've been noticing alot lately how fear is playing into my daily life more and more. I mean I've always had general fears like bugs, heights, guns and driving on gravel roads. But my fears are more pronounced after loosing Bryston. I dont know if this is a normal part of the greiving process or what? Did you guys go through this to?
A week or so ago Ty wanted to get me out of the house for a day. We've always enjoyed atv riding so we decided to spend an afternoon doing that. Ty's never been a crazy driver while on the 4 wheelers and I normally have no problem trusting his decisions while on it, but this time it was different. Terrains or jumps that would have had me giggeling before now terrified me. I was so worried that one of us would get hurt. The other day Ty was watching tv and the guy on the program was target shooting. He shot his gun and the bullet bounced off the target and came back at the man shooting the hat off his head. My husband is an avid hunter and the deer season is about to gear up in a month, so I now I'm worrying like crazy about that. I know its an irrational fear. I know that my husband has hunted his whole life and that he takes all the safety measures that he can, but it doesnt help calm my fears. Then yesterday my husband and I were in his pickup and he recieved an EMT call. So, I rode along since he was on call and didnt have time to take me home. The gravel road we had to take to get there almost had me in tears. I white knuckeled it the entire way there. Ty didnt get why I was so afraid and kept asking him to slow down. I didnt want to break down before his call since his attention needed to be on taking care of the patient and not on me. Its like a dripping faucet kind of. These fears are like the dripping water. It drips a little and you dont pay attention to it. But then it's sprung a leak and it's going everywhere and you panick. And now your left with a huge mess.
I know that this probably steams from not wanting to loose what I have left. That I couldnt bear to loose him. I couldnt stand to go on without both him and Bryston. I cant help imagining the worst now that I know that it can happen to us. I'm no longer able to live innocently because we're living it. I know that it could happen again. My world could be ripped our from under me yet again. I read your blogs and some of you have lived throug this 3 or 4 times with loosing your babies. How does this happen? How does a pain that raw and severe not kill us dead? How do we live in a world so modern and full of the lastest medical technology and still have our babies dying? Does anyone have the answer to that? I doubt it. I'm sitting here knowing that I wont have any of those answers this side of heaven. So I'm left with the knowledge that none of us are safe from this. That we live in this fallen world and have to deal with our humanness.
It really puts into perspective how not in control we really are. That would have comforted me a few months ago, but now it just scares the crap out me. No doctor, No scienctist, No millionare can heal, discover, or buy that control of our lives. Where does that leave us? I am a Christian and God's love and mercy didnt save my baby! He was in control and this still happened. I am having a really hard time with that. I have always been a believer. I've never before questioned his goodness or love for me. But now, how could I not? I still beleive. I do. I am just having a really hard time trusting. Do you think God is going to hold that against me? That my mistrust and fear right now is a sin? Because I really dont know anymore. I dont want to feel this way but I do. Everytime I think Im making progress I fall back a few steps and have to start over. I hate feeling this weak and needing to lean on other people. I dont know how to do this. Are these feeling at all normal? Did any of you go through this fear and anxiety about what could happen next too?
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Posted by The Blue Sparrow at 7:19 PM