Friday, September 4, 2009

1 hour=10 miles



As I read other baby lost mama's posts theres a recurring theme I keep coming upon and its something that I can relate to completly. Its the way that we measure time. I use to think in the broad terms of time. Its the ninth month of the year that were now in or its a little under a year untill my next birthday or in an hour Im going to do this or that.

As a new and fellow baby lost mama, I now find myself measuring time by Bryston. Its been a 1 month and 11 days since I last held him. Its been 1 month and 15 days since I last felt him moving and kicking me. He would have been 2 months 20 days from now and if we hadnt have miscarried Id be delivering a healthy baby boy in 38 days. Even my emotions are measured by this new timetable. Each minute that passes is one more mintute since I had my son. It feels like miles. Like Im further and further away from him by each second and leaving him behind. Its silly and irrational to think if it that way but thats the new watch that I wear. Its a Bryston watch. I wear it proudly becuse he is my pride and joy and my baby boy. But I wear it sadly and I wish that I could tear it off. I wish that instead I could wear a button with him alive and smiling at me.

I have come to hate clocks. There just a reminder of how far away from him I am. And its a reminder of being in the hospital bed laying there staring at the clock and wondering how much longer is my body going to hold on to him and refuse to start labor. (It took 56 hours and 1 minute of labor, to be exact) I dont want to see them and yet you cant escape them. They're every where.

In one week I'll be going back to work. I feel like that the minute that I step through those doors Its final. He's really gone. I'll have to face people and tell them that my baby is gone and anwser their questions as to what happened. Im not strong enough. I dont have a choice though. The bills are calling and life is calling me to move on. I dont want to move on. I feel like my son was important enough to stop the entire world from moving at all, but it didnt. It only stopped mine and by returning to my normal life feels like such a betrayl to him. I know its crazy and irrational but Im so up and down emotionally right now I dont know how Im going to survive this. Its not that I have a hard job, I love my job. But another issue is that the last time I walked through those doors I wasnt alone. Bryston walked through those doors with me. Now Im on my own. I've always hated being on my own......

9 comments:

Daddy's Dream ~Mommy's Miracle said...

I just found your blog the other day, and I sincerely know your pain. We lost our son during birth in February 2008. We are anxiously and nervously awaiting the birth of our second child on Oct 5. I will add you to my prayer list. The pain will always be there, but in time it weakens a little. I know how much it just isn't fair. God Bless.

Who We'll Forever Be. said...

unfortunately, as a baby lost mama now, there are going to be so many new 'firsts' in your life now. going back to work - first. holding a friend's newborn - first. there are so many more i can't name here, it's sickening. everywhere you turn, everything you do is going to revolve around your beautiful boy and babies. but, i promise you, it gets easier. the first day you go back to work won't be easy, but the second day will be easier. don't dread it, embrace it. be strong, friend.
xx
MB

He & Me + 3 said...

I know that you are going to have some challenges going back to work to face, but God will give you that strength. He will be there to hold you up, He has been though it too. I will pray for peace & comfort as you return to work. I will be praying for you.

Susan said...

It will be hard, but you will get through it...minute by minute, hour by hour. I will pray that it goes quickly for you.

wife.mom.nurse said...

Going back to work...so difficult.

If you have not been in touch with your coworkers in your absence and you are hoping things will go a certain way when you get there you could try something like the following (that my support group ladies have done):

Call ahead to your supervisor and let them know your wishes when you get back (i.e. It's OK if people want to discuss Bryson/You prefer not to discuss...)

Send a letter ahead to be posted so your colleagues can read it (if you want,include details of your experience so you don't have to repeat over and over).

When I had my miscarriage, I did send a letter, because I wasn't sure if everyone had heard and I wanted to avoid the awkwardness of people asking about my pregnancy.

Again, just some thoughts,please disregard if they don't feel right to you.

Praying for you,
Julie

Danielle said...

Very well put! I hate my watch too :( Praying for you as you go back to work. ((Hugs)) Wish I really could hug you instead of this whole virtual hug stuff...

Brandi said...

Hey girl, something for you on my blog. :)

Tina said...

I am praying for you every day. I can't imagine how hard it is going to be to step back into the "world" and carry on. I think you will realize that you are stronger than you think. God just seems to take up the slack for us when we need it. I know that he will come through for you when you are in need of strength, comfort, and the will to go on.

Franchesca Cox said...

I am so sorry for all of this! It does feel like the world should stop turning, and for me "moving on" became a huge guilt trip. I felt like you did, like I was betraying her and leaving her behind. All I can say is what you are feeling is completely ok. It hurts tremendously, but you will survive. There are hundredes (probably more than that) here on this blog alone that are living proof. They are a year (or more) into this grief journey and for me that helps me. Praying for you. xx