As I read other baby lost mama's posts theres a recurring theme I keep coming upon and its something that I can relate to completly. Its the way that we measure time. I use to think in the broad terms of time. Its the ninth month of the year that were now in or its a little under a year untill my next birthday or in an hour Im going to do this or that.
As a new and fellow baby lost mama, I now find myself measuring time by Bryston. Its been a 1 month and 11 days since I last held him. Its been 1 month and 15 days since I last felt him moving and kicking me. He would have been 2 months 20 days from now and if we hadnt have miscarried Id be delivering a healthy baby boy in 38 days. Even my emotions are measured by this new timetable. Each minute that passes is one more mintute since I had my son. It feels like miles. Like Im further and further away from him by each second and leaving him behind. Its silly and irrational to think if it that way but thats the new watch that I wear. Its a Bryston watch. I wear it proudly becuse he is my pride and joy and my baby boy. But I wear it sadly and I wish that I could tear it off. I wish that instead I could wear a button with him alive and smiling at me.
I have come to hate clocks. There just a reminder of how far away from him I am. And its a reminder of being in the hospital bed laying there staring at the clock and wondering how much longer is my body going to hold on to him and refuse to start labor. (It took 56 hours and 1 minute of labor, to be exact) I dont want to see them and yet you cant escape them. They're every where.
In one week I'll be going back to work. I feel like that the minute that I step through those doors Its final. He's really gone. I'll have to face people and tell them that my baby is gone and anwser their questions as to what happened. Im not strong enough. I dont have a choice though. The bills are calling and life is calling me to move on. I dont want to move on. I feel like my son was important enough to stop the entire world from moving at all, but it didnt. It only stopped mine and by returning to my normal life feels like such a betrayl to him. I know its crazy and irrational but Im so up and down emotionally right now I dont know how Im going to survive this. Its not that I have a hard job, I love my job. But another issue is that the last time I walked through those doors I wasnt alone. Bryston walked through those doors with me. Now Im on my own. I've always hated being on my own......
Friday, September 4, 2009
Posted by The Blue Sparrow at 12:06 AM