So yesterday we got the NILMDTS photos of Bryston. I have never been happier and sadder than I was in that moment(excluding the day of his birth.) I tore open that envelope and popped the cd into the computer and I lost it. I sat there and looked at my perfect sons face. I looked at his hands. I memorized his toes. I wept and touched the screen wishing I could feel his warm skin instead. It brought everything back so clear and with a vengeance. My arms and heart ache more now than they ever have. In the first weeks after his delivery I could still feel him moving inside me. Phantom kicks is the medical term apparently. I miss feeling him rolling around in me. I miss the weight of his body in my arms. I long for the feel of his skin on my lips. The pictures really dont do him justice. He was so perfect in person. I am so glad to have these photos though. One day I'll be able to look at them with joy instead of looking at them and feeling the intense dispair and sorrow of his absence.
He was my everything and now all I have left is pictures and a memory box. What kind of a world is this where healthy innocent babies die and predators and murders live? I hate this fallen world. I hate that I'm a part of it. I hate that my own body betrayed me like it did. I hate that I helped my body along the way to betray me. I hate that my own humanness was a part of Bryston's passing. The guilt is excruchiating. How I wish that Ty and I had passed right along with him so we could all be together. Ty is worried about me. He is worried that I think about that. But I dont thing about it in that way. If I didnt know better and if I had never known the lord I probably would have swallowed the entire medicing cabinet by now, but I do know the lord. And I know that the one thing that I long for the most, us all being together, would never happen. Knowing that one day I will see him again, and Ty of coarse, are the only things keeping me going right now.
I spent the rest of the evening in a fog after looking at the photos. I wept most of the night and I have been weeping most of the day today. I cant stop looking at his face. I keep going back to the pictures. Its all I could think about today while we picked up the rest of the furniture and shopped. I couldnt wait to get home just to see him again. I see his face in my mind every moment and I am more sure than ever that I was meant to be a mommy, his mommy. I cant wait to try again. I want it so badly now, more than I ever imagined I ever would or could. I feel like if dont do it now Im going to drown in this dispair. I need to have something to hope for and look forward to right now because where Im at right now at this very moment is pretty bleak and dark and lonely.
He is My Heart, My Purpose, My Life. My angel and My handsome brave little man. I didnt know what love meant untill I saw his face.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Posted by The Blue Sparrow at 12:23 AM