Sunday, September 6, 2009

NILMDTS Photos




So yesterday we got the NILMDTS photos of Bryston. I have never been happier and sadder than I was in that moment(excluding the day of his birth.) I tore open that envelope and popped the cd into the computer and I lost it. I sat there and looked at my perfect sons face. I looked at his hands. I memorized his toes. I wept and touched the screen wishing I could feel his warm skin instead. It brought everything back so clear and with a vengeance. My arms and heart ache more now than they ever have. In the first weeks after his delivery I could still feel him moving inside me. Phantom kicks is the medical term apparently. I miss feeling him rolling around in me. I miss the weight of his body in my arms. I long for the feel of his skin on my lips. The pictures really dont do him justice. He was so perfect in person. I am so glad to have these photos though. One day I'll be able to look at them with joy instead of looking at them and feeling the intense dispair and sorrow of his absence.





He was my everything and now all I have left is pictures and a memory box. What kind of a world is this where healthy innocent babies die and predators and murders live? I hate this fallen world. I hate that I'm a part of it. I hate that my own body betrayed me like it did. I hate that I helped my body along the way to betray me. I hate that my own humanness was a part of Bryston's passing. The guilt is excruchiating. How I wish that Ty and I had passed right along with him so we could all be together. Ty is worried about me. He is worried that I think about that. But I dont thing about it in that way. If I didnt know better and if I had never known the lord I probably would have swallowed the entire medicing cabinet by now, but I do know the lord. And I know that the one thing that I long for the most, us all being together, would never happen. Knowing that one day I will see him again, and Ty of coarse, are the only things keeping me going right now.


I spent the rest of the evening in a fog after looking at the photos. I wept most of the night and I have been weeping most of the day today. I cant stop looking at his face. I keep going back to the pictures. Its all I could think about today while we picked up the rest of the furniture and shopped. I couldnt wait to get home just to see him again. I see his face in my mind every moment and I am more sure than ever that I was meant to be a mommy, his mommy. I cant wait to try again. I want it so badly now, more than I ever imagined I ever would or could. I feel like if dont do it now Im going to drown in this dispair. I need to have something to hope for and look forward to right now because where Im at right now at this very moment is pretty bleak and dark and lonely.




He is My Heart, My Purpose, My Life. My angel and My handsome brave little man. I didnt know what love meant untill I saw his face.

20 comments:

Brandi said...

I'm so glad you finally received your pictures. You are a wonderful mommy and Bryston is a sweet, beautiful, perfect little angel baby. Thank you for sharing the pictures. Praying for you daily...

Anonymous said...

Jenn and Ty-What a beautiful baby!! You will be so happy you have them. He looks like a big man, :) He def is an Angel. God Bless you both and stay strong even though that maybe hard at times. Thank you for sharing your pictures. What a wonderful gift.
Holly and Chris

Danielle said...

What precious pictures! Thank you so much for sharing. Bryston was such a handsome little man :)

Daddy's Dream ~Mommy's Miracle said...

Grieving with you. I know just how you feel. I remember when we got our dvd as well. Praying for some sense of peace today. Hugs

Sarah said...

He is gorgeous! I am so glad you have the pictures of him! You are a wonderful mommy and Ty a daddy! Hope they bring you a little peace.

Tina said...

Jennifer:

Thank you for sharing and I am praying for you and your husband.

Bryston is a beautiful baby....

~Hugs

Just Breathe said...

Your son is beautiful. They are lovely pictures. I am so sorry for your grief. I wish that I could reach over, hug you and cry with you. I pray for your comfort.
I pray for God to give you strength to move through each day.
Please know that I hold your pain in my heart, if only I could take some of it from you so your burden wouldn't be so heavy.

Once A Mother said...

Bryston was even more beautiful than I had imagined. I am so grateful that you were able to capture these moments on film and am honored that you shared him with us.

Ada@ Mon CherBelle said...

I came across your blog, and your loss touched me so deeply, I had to write this poem for you...

If I could inhale
just once
to exhale your breath of pain
I would
To cry an ocean of your tears
To lift your spirit
To ease your fears
I would
To take your place
And partake
In this bittersweet
triumph and defeat
For you,
I would
If I could...

You will forever be in my prayers,

Ada Torres

The Blue Sparrow said...

Thank you Ada! That was beautiful! Thank you ALL for your continued prayers and support.

Mary Ellen said...

He is just beautiful! I pray for you everyday even though we do not know each other. I am a NILMDTS photographer and hearing how these beautiful images have touched you really confirms how important our work is.

He & Me + 3 said...

An answer to prayer. So glad you received your sweet precious pictures. He truly is an angel. Praying for you.

Missing Kasey said...

Bryston is beautiful, thank you for sharing your pictures!

Anonymous said...

I stumbled across your blog, He is a beatiful boy. I love his little feet and long toes! Congrats on your picture memories, they turned out beautifully. You are in my prayers

Franchesca Cox said...

Your Bryston is precious! I am glad you have these pictures to treasure. I am so sorry you are in the pit of despair. My husband worried about me too bc I would say I just wanted to die to be with her. Of course, I didn't mean it in a suicidal way, I just realize that as long as I have breath in me, I will not see her. It hurts, I know it does. My heart hurts for your recent recent loss. You really are going to make it. Praying for you, xx

wife.mom.nurse said...

I too am so glad that you got your photos.

They are precious.

Thanks for sharing Bryston with us.

Michelle said...

Thank you so much for sharing these pictures of your sweet Bryston. They are just beautiful!

I didn't know about NILMDTS when Blake was born. The nurses took a couple pics of his hands and his feet, but no pictures of his face or of us with him. I worry that I will forget what he looked like and that scares me.

Jim and Kelly said...

I'm so glad that you received your pictures from NILMDTS. They are so precious. I remember when we received ours and the combined feelings of joy and sadness. I also remember those same feelings of wanting to be with Connor so badly and not caring about my life here on Earth. My husband was concerned about me too. It's not like I want to die, I just want to be with him and it's not fair that I can't. I also don't feel it's necessary to say they are in a better place. I know our boys are healthy and happy and whole, but I also know that the best place they could be is with us and I believe that God would want that too. Something that I have found comforting (so I apologize if you don't) is that God is crying with me. God is so sad that Connor and Bryston are not with us and God is grieving too. I vividly remember being where you are right now. The anger, frustration, sadness and despair and sometimes joy because we are moms. Bryston made you a mother and you will always be his mother and please don't ever think differently. Take the time to feel like you are right now. Take care of yourself the best way you know how. I am thinking and praying for you and your family and if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here. I apologize for the ramblings. I hope it's somewhat helpful for you and thank you for the response on my blog, I appreciated it. Blessings,

Amber said...

Jenny,
Thanks for sharing your pictures of Bryston with us!! He is absolutely perfect & I am so glad you have them.

Rachel said...

Oh Bryston... you are every bit as beautiful as your mother described.

Perfect in detail.

Can you imagine..? The hands of God formed every part of him. Every tiny part.

How blessed he is to have you for a mom.

So glad for these beautiful pictures - thank you for sharing your treasure.