Monday, August 17, 2009

What's Next?

After all the phone calls, visits, and cards stop, I'm left to sit here and just deal with the loss of my baby boy and wonder whats next? I sit here and go over and over and over what happened and question it in every way imaginable. The house is too quiet even when its full and then when its too noisy I wish for the quiet so I can analyze it more.

I've always heard the saying that bad things happen to good people and that God wont give you more than you can handle. These cliche sayings that I supposed were true, but assumed that I'd already been through enough. I'd already survived an abusive realationship, so I was done suffering. I should have been done, why wasnt that enough? I spent roughly 7 years being physically and mentally abused. I survived. I found my strength and I left him. I handled it. I moved on. I found the man of my dreams and finally knew what safety and real love meant. I was ready for my happily ever after. Why cant I have that? Other girls my age have never so much as had to deal with more than a wrecked car or a loan they cant pay. And now my baby boy is snatched away? A stillborn? How in the world can God think that I can handle this? That I need to handle this? I AM a good person. I Am! And yet the man that I survived, the one that made me a survivor is getting ready to have a baby with his girlfriend in September. How is this right? How am I suppose to handle that?

How much more am I going to have to handle? When is it going to be someone elses turn? And how can I not live in fear of what I'm going to have to handle next? I am scared to death of loosing what I have left. I dont know how to trust that God is looking out for me here. With everything that's happened. I'm not even thirty yet and have seen more trouble than most will ever have to deal with. Some might say that I am or will be that much stronger for it. Well thats great, I think Id rather be a wallflower that gets walked on everyday and have my baby here with me. How can I be strong when I can barely leave the house and face people? The pity in their eyes or the avoidance that makes you feel like a sideshow freak, like my misfortune is contagious? Like their children will be lost if they get to close to me. Ive all but disappeared to some. Right now, Ill take the avoidance over the pity so I dont have to deal with it. Its easier and Im just to tired.

I guess Im wondering also what God expects me to do with this? What am I suppose to learn from loosing Bryston? What was the point of this happening? What good is loosing my heart if I cant use it to serve him? My soul is weeping tears from the very depths of my being and I dont know what to do with that. I feel like the most important part of myself is missing. Send him back to me and I will serve you in anyway and everyway that one possibly could. Just send him back and make this all a nightmare. Pull me out of hell and tell me that this never happened. Let me hear my baby cry and let me see him open his eyes and see what color they are. I cant handle this, I dont want to handle this Lord! Its simply not fair!!! And I guess thats my lesson right there, that life is just another cliche. It just isnt fair.

I keep asking for everyones prayers but I can hardly utter a word to God myself. I dont know how to talk to him right now. I've always talked to God and now it feels as if I've lost my baby and a friend. Im reading a book called life touches life. Its one womans story of how she got threw the stillbirth of her baby girl. She decided to be angry at nature instead of God. I wish I could see it that way.
God created nature and he has perfect control over everything in our universe. Let me be clear here, I in no way think that God did this. I know what did this. But what I dont know is why God let this happen. He could have interviened and stopped this, but didnt. Thats why I'm angry. He could give him back, but wont. Thats what infuriates me. But then again, I guess Life isnt fair so why should he be?

I'm not trying to offend anyone. I simply have to talk about this and if I dont do it honestly then what good is it going to do me? I know that some of my posts sound really angry or depressing, but they are the emotions that Im going threw at the time Im writing them. Its like a poison I have to spew. I guess thats probably one more reason to be avoided. Its just too sad to be around. I understand, if I could avoid this myself I would.

As angry as I am and even though I cant seem to do it myself, your prayers are welcomed here. I was raised a believer and I suppose that I still consider myself to be one, just an angry and sad one at the moment. Thank you.

(By the way, my comments button has been fixed. Thanks Jess)

9 comments:

ღJessicaღ said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sheryl said...

jennifer,

thanks for stopping by and leaving that sweet comment. i love making new friends.

i've just spent time reading each one of your posts. first let me say how terribly sorry i am for your loss. i know those words sound hollow - but they come from a heart that knows loss. (not at all comparing myself to you)

i also understand your questions and anger with the Lord. God and i have been wrestling some things out for a couple of years now. keep hanging in there with Him and know that He really does love us.

i am not about to preach scripture to you or tell you that all things work together for good. sometimes we just don't feel like hearing that. please know that you can email me any time...i am open for "venting" any time you need it. i plan on following you - i have a feeling God has something in store for you.

~sheryl
dsmoerdyk@sbcglobal.net

The Blue Sparrow said...

Thank you Sheryl. I plan on following your blogs as well as it sounded to me as if we could possibly learn a few things from each other. Im looking forward to getting to know you.

Rachel said...

Oh Jenn...

I had no idea. And reading through these last couple of posts have wrung me out.

It definitely brings old emotions back to the surface. And lots of questions that I have learned will probably never be answered this side of Heaven.

All I know is to be THANKFUL for the love that you have for Bryston. And to be grateful to you for sharing him with us. I don't understand so many "whys" when heartbreaking things happen - but never, ever doubt that you shouldn't have loved.

And I just know Bryston is waiting with Gracie - and they'll introduce us in real life when it's our turn.

Rachel

Mr. Daddy said...

I feel privileged to have shared a laugh with you in all your sorrow...

After reading your post I am sharing a tear with you and your husband for your loss...

Gods peace and strength be with you in your time of grieving...

Alicia said...

Hi there! I noticed you were following my blog and I wanted to come and visit.

I know the loss of miscarriage. I had two, but in the first trimester.

While we are on this earth, we may never know the answer to some things. All I know is that whatever we go through, it should and will draw us closer to God. He is the only one who can comfort us in our deepest sorrows. And in the end, He will get all the glory. With this experience, He may use you to minister to someone else who will experience the same thing.

Romans 8:28

God bless you, and I'll be praying!!!!

The Blue Sparrow said...

Thank you guys so much. Its nice to know that perfect strangers care enough to keep me in their prayers. We really appriciate it!

Sarah said...

Jenn - I am so sorry for you hun. I wish I was there with you. I know you have been through so much and I hope you know that you are a wonderful person who has overcome so much.

I wish we had all the answers. I think of you, Ty, and Bryston often - will be keeping you all in my prayers.

Call/email me if you want to talk. I miss you and love you girl

Meggles said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage years ago and reading your post was almost like going back in time. I didn't go through what you did, nor am I comparing my loss to yours, but I remember feeling so angry. If you need anything, you can message me anytime.