Thursday, August 20, 2009

Lets Talk Numbers

Accoding to Wikipedia; Stillbirth is a relatively common, but often random, occurrence. The mean stillbirth rate in the United States is approximately 1 in 115 births, which is roughly 26,000 stillbirths each year, or on an average one every 20 minutes. In Australia, England, Wales, and Northern Ireland, the rate is approximately 1 in every 200 births, in Scotland 1 in 167. (From The National Statistical Office and other sources.) Many stillbirths occur at fullterm to apparently healthy mothers, and a postmortem evaluation reveals a cause of death in only about 40% of autopsied cases. And the number is rising each year as women wait later and later in life to concieve increasing their likelyhood to miscarry.

I just joined the 26,000 other women who lost their babies to stillbirth. 26,000! And thats just stillbirth! I couldnt even find an accurate number on the total miscarraiges there are a year. One website claimed that up to 75% of pregnancies end in miscarriage! Look at how many of us there are! We are all so lulled into thinking that this cant happen in our day and age. That our advanced technology is somehow going to protect us. I admit that I thought my doctor had it all under control and nothing could or would go wrong. People still dont really openly talk about miscarriages either. I mean if they did would these numbers be as suprising as they are?

I was suprised by the number of women that came out of the woodwork to tell me their stories of loss. I cant even tell you how comforted I am by them. They show me that Im not being irrational in my grief. That the emotions that Im going threw have all been felt at some point by them as well. That Im not alone. That there is life and hope beyond where Im at. I want to thank each of you who do or will share with me your stories. Its hard to dredge up those memories and I appreciate the fact that your willing to feel those emotions over again with me.

God Bless to each and everyone of you!


Brandi said...

I had three failed pregnancies in my quest to have the three healthy boys I have now. An ectopic, an early miscarriage and a late first-trimester miscarriage. I think the last one was the hardest.

It does not compare at all to what you are going through and as much grief as I felt, I cannot imagine how hard it would have been if I had gone further in that pregnancy before it ended.

I really admire your strength to talk openly about your sweet Bryston and what you are going through.

Shanda said...

My heart is full for you right now. I have read through several of your posts. I know two other people (IRL) who have delivered stillborn (one an OB nurse) and it is most definitely one of the most heart-wrenching things to experience.

Bryston is forever a part of your life and heart. Yes, there will be people who won't know what to say or do and it will seem like they just want for you to "forget and move on" because that is what would be easiest for them; but there will also be those who will carry Bryston in their hearts as well and they are the ones that will walk into this deep valley with you. They will be the ones to lovingly show you the lush beauty that only these types of valleys can offer and eventually, when you are ready; they will be the ones who will take you by the hand and help you to begin your ascent out of the valley. You MUST allow yourself to remain open to them. They are a gift to you from God - a reflection of His continuing love for you.

Pity and love are sometimes difficult to discern; take some time and ask God to make the difference clear to you. I will be praying the same for you.

I want to encourage you that God has more for your life than just this loss. You are not ready to charge forward into what else that may be yet; but it will come in His time. Keep hoping.

I have found that often husband and wife grieve differently. Neither are wrong. Although your own grief is consuming; look for ways to support him with his own - men often have a harder time connecting and expressing their own grief. Which can seem as if they are not grieving at all; but no doubt he is and will.

Keep writing. Keep processing your thoughts. One of my friends said that she started to choose one thing to do or try new each day just to do something other than be consumed with the questions and anger.

There are times in the Bible when God's servants were not strong enough to go through things on their own...Aaron and Hur held up Moses's arms when he no longer could - in order to win a battle. (Exodus 17:11-12) God is not asking you to be strong enough on your own. He will provide you strength Himself AND He will place others in your path to be Aarons and Hurs. I am standing in the gap holding your arms now asking our Father to fill you with His peace. To strengthen you. To bind you even more to your husband. To quiet your heart with His love so you have peace-filled sleep.

(tear filled) *HUGS* not out of pity but out of love from one sister to another.


Melissa said...

I want you to know I am thankful that you stopped by...I am very thankful to have 'met' you. I feel like I know are a strong, strong person. I will pray for you and your hubby. I pray that you will continue to write, and share all your feelings. You need to cry, you are not wrong for wanting to scream and be angry, you are so normal...and when the time is right, the Lord will help you to take the next step. I am not sure if you ever have read any of Angie Smith's blog, she is wife to Todd Smith from Selah... They have experienced a loss of their daughter, she may be an inspirational read for you. Sleep well sweetheart, May the Lord be with you.

The Blue Sparrow said...

Wow, I am speachless.(Almost:) All of your words mean so much to me. I am dumbfounded by the outpouring of support that I have recieved from all of you. Its soothing and heartwarming to read comments like these. Thank you, and I will check that blog out.

Just Breathe said...

When God lead me to women of lost babies I could not believe the numbers. I was shocked to say the least. Here I am at 57 and had no clue! Unless you know someone close to you your whole life can go by and you would never know about the grief that is all around you. I often think of the women in the past who didn't have the outlet of a blog to share their stories with. I know that it doesn't take your pain away but has to give you some comfort. Why isn't this on the news? I had read that 28,000 babies are stillborn each year in the US. That is horrific yet it's never talked about. I need answers.

Shanda said...

I was going to come back to recommend Angie's blog to you - so glad Melissa already has. Another one that I love, who has also given birth into the arms of God, is "Profoundly Seth." Here is the URL:

I pray that you will have a wonderful weekend.

Rachel said...

I wanted to say Thank You... for being willing to share yourself with us. For being willing to share Bryston with us.

I know what you mean - about being amazed at how large this "club" is. I had no idea until I joined the ranks of the infertile - just how many people struggle to carry.

And then losing my niece - I was truly amazed at how many people know the pain intimately... people I'd never known about who had hidden it.

And while I feel like I'm on the outside looking in, I am profoundly grateful that you are sharing your life with us.

And I am so looking forward to seeing those pictures of your beautiful baby boy. I love reading about his personality too.

Blessings and prayers for peace.