Monday, August 10, 2009

No longer Momma2B

I will no longer be blogging under the name Momma2B as some of you may know, that on the 21st of July I began to miscarry my baby boy, Bryston Ray. I delivered my beautiful son on the 24th of July at 28 weeks. He is in the loving arms of the lord now. I would have been 31 weeks yesterday. This is the hardest thing that I've ever been through, and that's saying alot in itself.

If you had asked me just 2 months ago if I was excited or ready to be a mom, I would have said in no way. I would have said that I was freaked out by the whole thing. I would have jokingly offered you a new baby boy. I know, sounds awful right. After everything, this is something that I will have to regret and live with everyday for the rest of my life. After holding that little angel, I could never imagine wanting to volunteer his absence now. Maybe that's the cosmic joke, that I wasnt sure that I was ready or even wanted him so God took him away? I was so nearvous about having to be responsible for a human life, ironic huhn? And thats the really painful part. That I could have ever said I didnt want him. How could I not have wanted that sweet little boy? And now that he is gone all I can do is pray every second of the day that God made a mistake and will send him back to me. You see I dont believe that God needed him more than I did. God doesnt need. He just doesnt. I think he uses certain situations to fufill his will but in no way do I think that he took my baby out of need. Please do not say this to me.

I dont know how I am suppose to sort through all these emotions. I am so unbelieveably sad and so uncontrollably mad at the same time. No one can understand the debths of my despair until you have held your own deceaced child in your arms and had to walk away from them. It is a pain that I wouldnt wish on the lowest or worst person. It is a gripping take all of your breath and strength away kind of pain that I would give my own life to give Bryston back to his Daddy.

The anger is a whole new ball of wax. I am mad that everytime I turn on the news I see yet another story of a parent disposing of thier child as if they were trash or just dropping them off with strangers because they cant handle them. And here I am without my child and barley able to leave the house out of dispair and no one wants the children they so easily had?! Or Im sorry, just kills them before they even have a chance to get to know them! I cant even fathem this. And I see people that I know to be abusive or alcoholic getting ready to have a child themselves and I wonder why they get to keep their baby and I dont? I know how awful all of this sounds, beleive me I do, but its how Im feeling and if I dont vent this its going to eat me alive.

I'm pissed at God for letting this happen. What's the point? What's to be learned from this? I dont understand? God knew my baby before he was formed so if he knew this was going to happen why didnt he stop it? Why cant I have my baby? Im sure that if he had let me keep my baby and Casey Anthony had miscarried her little girl, Kaylee, wouldnt things have worked out so much better that way? Isnt that a better plan? That way Kaylee never had to suffer and I would have my baby with me now. I know, I know that God's plan is mistake proof and perfect. But how can that be when my baby is dead?! Tell me please!

Im mad that I have to sit and wonder if my baby was scared all alone in there while he was dying or if it hurt him. I hate the fact that I have to sit here and think about these things. I hate the fact that I didnt take better care of myself while I was pregnant and maybe there could have been something done to prevent this. That maybe one small minor difference and Id be rocking my baby to sleep tonight. I hate that I'm stuck in the house because I dont want to run into a million and one people in this small town and have to see the pity in their eyes and hear there Im sorries when they have no idea. I dont want to be rude to people and I know they are just being nice and doing the right thing, heck, I myself have said those very same Im sorries to people. But I never realized how hollow and unimportant they sound until now. Dont get me wrong, I am so greatful for every card, every flower, or word said to me in condolence and in kindness. It's just too hard to hear and see. It's too hard to deal with now when I can barly look myself in my eyes in the mirror without breaking down. Its like being on a marry go round. One side wants the condolences and for Bryston not to be forgotten and the other side wants to act like it never happened, so I wont have to feel it all over again.

Its funny how hard the tiniest decision has become so hard to make. Once made I cant stop wanting the opppsite. Nothing is right or feels settled. I dont know how to get back to normal. To live the way I use to without him, even though I never even got to hear him cry. I barely knew him but love him more than my own life. I never got it before. I never got it really when Id hear my sisters and friends say that everything is different when your a mom. Well now I know, yes it is. Im still a mom, my arms are just empty...

While in the hospital the nurse brought me a pamphlet of a company called now I lay me down to sleep photographry. At first I said no way and thought it was morbid. But later as we looked at the brochure and how tasteful it was we decided to do it. The company does this free of charge and came the very day I delievered Bryston. I wont get the pictures for a few weeks but I am so looking forward to having them. To have some sort of documentation that he really was here besides his death certificate. Man, I never in a million years thought that Id ever be typing any of these words or dealing with any of this. All of you moms or dads out there who might be reading this, please give your kids an extra tight hug tonight and take it easy on them if they're being rowdy or on your last nerve, At least they're there to be on your last nerve.