Tuesday, August 10, 2010

I CANT do it all!

So I got all signed up for school the other day. I enrolled in classes, signed up for financial aide, and ordered my books and the whole time I am filled with a sense of purpose and an enthusiasm that I haven felt in a long while.

And then...Satan starts in. He whispers venomously to me, "You're too old to be going back to school now. You're not smart enough to learn everything that these 18 year olds' are learning. You'll never make it and you'll be straddled with more debt and nothing to show for it. HA HA HA!" But I know that those are the lies of the one who seeks to kill, steal and destroy. So I chose not to listen. I chose to believe that God has put this opportunity in my path. I chose to believe that if God did not want this for me that He would have put a road block in my path preventing me from moving forward. I choose to believe that I will be able to do this and I will be able to full fill my hopes of honoring Bryston's memory this way.

But then...I went to my Mom's house to visit her and my sister who is in town for a few weeks and again the wind is knocked out of my sails. They made a comment, that in no way was malicious or meant to be disparaging, it just made me think. They mentioned that I might have to put the TTC in hold until I'm done with school. Which to be honest, I never even thought about. I didn't consider this being an issue, but it is. I want a baby so bad! But then again I also want to go on with my schooling so bad! I am torn. I know how difficult working a full time job and going to school full time is and then to throw a new baby into the mix would be extremely difficult. So what do do I do? How do I make this choice? Do I even have to make this choice?
I know there are millions of women who do this everyday, but am I capable of being one of them?

And then....I read Andrea's post. A post on a completely different topic but when it boils down to it, really is the same at it's core, Hope. She reminded me of a scripture that I have seen before and always appreciated but until today had forgot about.
Isaiah 40:31 NIV
"but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on the wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint"

Of coarse I cant do it all, but He can! As long as I cling to Him and let him guide my steps, I cant fail! Through HIM all things are possible! Why had I forgotten this? But what's even more amazing is how He gently nudges me everyday and always finds a way to remind me of what I've forgotten!

God's got my back, who has yours?


Stephanie said...

I never think a person is too old to learn. It is what makes us amazing in our capacity to create, love, adjust, endure, and cope...

Good for you to put yourself into a place where you will be stretching and growing.

And I hope that the TTC will all fall into its perfect place for your life. I know that women can do amazing things in the name of Love...and nothing is more strong that love for your child.

DeniFay said...

Keep your eyes and heart focused on Him and He will do it all!! I'm praying for you friend!

Jill said...

I have been going back to school part time for a while now. It is hard working and taking three or so classes at a time, but at the end of the semester I feel that it was all worth it. As you probably know, I am currently 16 weeks along with my rainbow. I still plan on taking classes and trying to move forward with my education and balance work at the same time. There are many times I feel like pulling my hair out, but I make it work.

I think only you can make the decision of going back to school and figuring out the course load you can handle. For me, three classes a semester is about my max right now. I think it is great that you signed up for classes. I hope all goes well!

Shandrea said...

Wow! Sending you hugs jennifer;o) I needed this today as i was feeling a bit down about some things. Thank you. Praying for you.

Lisette said...

You can do it!!! Take the first step and ease into it. I got your back. It will not always be easy but have faith in yourself. You will prevail. ((HUGS)) I wish you only the best.
I love that verse, I have it up on my blog because that is the meaning of my daughter's first name.

Jennifer said...

I can do all things through Christ who strengtheneth me. Phillipians 4:13
Hang in there mama. Praying for you!

Tiffany said...

You are so right! We have to allow God to take us through the troubles times and the good times. If we have God in our life and follow his lead things will all work out.
You the tone of your words is changing. I am so proud of you for going back to school and it DOES NOT matter what age you are! It is awesome that you are willing to take on this challenge and go back! Good for you! You CAN do it! Show Satan that with God on your side that you can and will do this!
I feel with the busy schedule of school and work that when God gives you another child it will all work out. He knows what is best for you and he will take care of you. God Bless you sweetie I am so happy for you!

Meggles said...

You can do it. When I was little I remember my Mom studying when she was finishing her degree. My MIL went back and next year she will finish her masters. Just keep swimming :)

Drew's Parents said...

Sometimes it seems too much is being asked of us. You have been through so much the past year, I hope that your journey becomes easier. Follow those moments of hope. (((Hugs)))

Sarah said...

You can do it anyway you want to Jen! I just got done with school and have 3 under 4! It will work however God has planned for you!

Just follow your heart and do what makes you happy!

Ebe said...

You can definitely do it. We've all lived such hard lives since our babies died and this will be hard, but you are capable!