July 21st

Wow, its hard to believe that its July 21st again. July 21st is the 202nd day in the year, and it'll forever be a date I'll associate with sadness. It will have been exactly one year @ 10:45 tonight since our nightmare began. Tonight is the year marker for when I heard those awful words, "I'm so sorry, but I'm not getting a hear beat."

As I reflect back on that day it leaves me feeling the shock of the situation all over again. That my son was dead before he was even born, just typing that still feels so un-natural and wrong. I don't think that I'll ever get use to it. I can still smell the hospital smells and feel the sting of the iv line. Its as real as the lingering smells of this mornings breakfast to me today.

Re-living the birth of my child is not something that I ever in a million years would have thought would be something that would cause me emotional pain, but here I am. I feel as if the scab has been yanked clean off and I'm sitting here staring a bleeding gash in shock.

I remember being thrown into the back of the ambulance for the hospital transfer to Omaha and half way there the realization hit me that I would still have to deliver Bryston, that I would be delivering a dead baby. No one actually had officially told me that yet. Those of you out there who haven't been through this could never know how damaging that is for a person to realize. To still be trying to come to grips with the fact that your child is gone but then to have them still tucked safely inside your belly. Its just something that your brain doesn't want to comprehend.

As I start to re-live the next 3 days please include me in your prayers. I can already tell you that I cant do this on my own. I need His hand on me constantly this week, comforting me and guiding my steps.


(Psalm 32:7-8)
You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance.