Tuesday, July 20, 2010

July 21st

Wow, its hard to believe that its July 21st again. July 21st is the 202nd day in the year, and it'll forever be a date I'll associate with sadness. It will have been exactly one year @ 10:45 tonight since our nightmare began. Tonight is the year marker for when I heard those awful words, "I'm so sorry, but I'm not getting a hear beat."

As I reflect back on that day it leaves me feeling the shock of the situation all over again. That my son was dead before he was even born, just typing that still feels so un-natural and wrong. I don't think that I'll ever get use to it. I can still smell the hospital smells and feel the sting of the iv line. Its as real as the lingering smells of this mornings breakfast to me today.

Re-living the birth of my child is not something that I ever in a million years would have thought would be something that would cause me emotional pain, but here I am. I feel as if the scab has been yanked clean off and I'm sitting here staring a bleeding gash in shock.

I remember being thrown into the back of the ambulance for the hospital transfer to Omaha and half way there the realization hit me that I would still have to deliver Bryston, that I would be delivering a dead baby. No one actually had officially told me that yet. Those of you out there who haven't been through this could never know how damaging that is for a person to realize. To still be trying to come to grips with the fact that your child is gone but then to have them still tucked safely inside your belly. Its just something that your brain doesn't want to comprehend.

As I start to re-live the next 3 days please include me in your prayers. I can already tell you that I cant do this on my own. I need His hand on me constantly this week, comforting me and guiding my steps.


(Psalm 32:7-8)
You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance.





17 comments:

Lilly's Mom (Desiree) said...

Praying for you, today especially. Hold tight and keep looking up!

Lilly's Mom (Desiree) said...

Praying for you, today especially. Hold tight and keep looking up!

Lilly's Mom (Desiree) said...

Praying for you, today especially. Hold tight and keep looking up!

Allison (Ali) said...

you have been and will continue to be in my prayers as you go through this difficult week.

wishing peace for you

hugs

Barbara said...

Thinking of you and your beautiful boy.

xxx

Mary said...

Oh Jennifer. I am so sorry. My heart is breaking for you and what you must relive in the next 3 days. Praying for super natural strength and peace amidst the sadness.

croleyc69 said...

Praying for you so much throughout the next few days especially and always.

{{HUGS}}
Caroline

Lisette said...

Oh sweety, I am praying for you. I pray that in these days ahead you find peace. I know those moments will always be there. I wish things were different. If you need to talk just send me an email lisarry99@yahoo.com

((HUGS)) and more ((HUGS))

Lucid Anne said...

Oh Jennifer. My heart is with you. <3

Mattie said...

Oh, Jennifer, prayers of peace and comfort going up for you now! I'm just 6 weeks away from where you are today. I pray God holds your heart and comforts you in every thought and memory.
(((BIG HUGS)))

Marie W said...

Praying....

Jess said...

I want you to know you are in my prayers this week!!! May you receive the comfort and peace in the midst of this heartache that could only ever come from God.

klarsen said...

Praying for you, Jennifer, and wishing you peace. xoxo

butterflymom said...

Thinking about you, Jennifer. Take it one day at a time.

Jules said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family - especially this week.

Holly said...

Thinking of and praying for you today. Happy 1st Birthday Bryston ♥

Mary said...

May HE bring you some peace.