Monday, May 3, 2010

May Butterfly Mommies Giveaway

Butterfly Mommies

Butterfly Mommies is at it again, Yay! This months giveaway question is;

How have your relationships been affected by your loss? (with God, your husband, yours and your husband's parents, your siblings, your living children, and/or friendships?) If you could convey to others one thing about yourself that would help them understand what you both need to maintain your relationship what would that be?

With God; My relationship with God was very very strained the first few months. I was so angry that He let this happen and that He didn't intervene on my behalf. I would pray but not have conversations with Him like I had before. I would pray for others and that was it. I didn't speak to him about myself or anything pertaining to me. I think I just needed space to be angry. To process those feeling of rage and disappointment and sorrow. But then slowly I began to pray and have conversations with Him again, but minimally. I don't think I really got the fact that it is okay to feel that way that I was feeling. That He could handle it and He could understand it more than anyone else. When I'm angry now I know that I can bring that to Him that He wants me to hand it over to Him so that He can comfort me. Which in the end He always does.

With my husband;I had trouble understanding his way of grieving. I couldn't understand how he could just pick up and move on so quickly afterwards. I felt like because he was being so strong that he didn't care as much as I did. That loosing Bryston wasn't as life altering to him as to me. And another thing, that if I'm going to be honest here, is feeling that on some level somewhere deep down he blamed me. I worried alot about him leaving. That I would loose him too and be all alone with this. One night I asked him all of it. He said that of coarse he was sad and of coarse he missed Bryston and wished that he was here, but that he didn't want to spend the rest of his life hiding from the world like I had been. He said he didn't blame me at all and that he loved me and that he knew how hard this was for me. He said that I would always have a stronger bond with our babies because I had more time with them so of coarse our grief would be different. And then he helped me slowly make my way back into the world. He held me and let me cry when I had a hard time or was just plain ole dealing with it all and he still does. I think we learned alot about each other and were still learning. The good, bad, and ugly but he's still here. And that's what counts. We've dealt with alot and we've only been married for 2 years but I think that the very fact that we're still here and thriving says alot our relationship and our love and respect for each other.

With our parents; You know I think the only thing to change in our relationship with both sets of parents is how much more I respect them as parents. Both of our parents have had experiences with m/c's. They're guidance and support has been crucial to our coping. We are so blessed to have them all in our corner.

With my siblings; I also have a new respect for my sisters. They both have also had experiences as well. Each one was on a different end of the gestation chart, but I could lean on them both in different ways. My sisters are the best! They cry with me and cheer me on even when I don't deserve it. Phone calls, cards, food, errands, and even gifts in honor of my babies from them are another way that I know that they too lost someone. That they cared and they are grieving the loss of a nephew with me. They remember, which is a big thing for me. They let me talk about Bryston and Peanut and I don't have to censer myself is a huge thing.

I don't have any living children so I cant elaborate on this one but I'd imagine it would have made me all the more loving and greatful towards them. How blessed those of you are that can answer this question!

With my friendships; This one has made or broke friendships. I think this was one of the most hurtful things I dealt with afterwards. The total and absolute absence of communication with some friends. They acted as if nothing happened. No calls, no emails, no texts, no visits to see how I was dealing or even to acknowledge the fact that I had had a baby. You really do learn who your friends are when you face tough times. The way I see it is that if they don't care enough to see me through the rough times then they don't deserve to see me through the good times. But on the flip side it has also confirmed some really good friendships. These friends that weather the storms with me will be the same friends who I know will be knocking rocking chairs and canes together later. These girls are my lifeline because I never knew how isolating grief could be. How alone I could feel even in the presence of others but with them I feel an old piece of myself again. And the new friends that I've never met in person but talk to regularly online through this blog and facebook. People that I can be brutally honest with because they've been there and understand just how confusing this road can be. I am so blessed to have each of you, really and truly.

The one thing that I would say to others about what I need to maintain a relationship with you would be patience and understanding. Please dont ignore my feelings or me in genral. I went through something that most people dont even want to have a nightmare about and that is important enough to talk about. I need to say my son's name and I need you to say it occasionally too. I need you to know that I am not the same person that I was before my son. I have changed and I do not see things the same way anymore. If you love me, you'll understand and want to get to know this new woman who Im still getting to know myself. Just be there, that's all, and let me be there too.


michelle hendrix-swords said...

i am so sorry for your loss. i have been following your blog. i wanted to respond to your comment about 'those of us with children being blessed'...i am blessed. i have two living children and i am so thankful for them. i don't know how i would have gone on without my two living children. they are so much a blessing to me!

Brie said...

I love the last paragraph--you telling people what you need from them..Right on! I have yet to be confident enough to speak of my needs in a friendship following just inspired me to do so. Thank you Jennifer!

Marie W said...

My husband grieved the same way and I had the same thoughts as you did. Once again, I feel normal to know others felt the same way I did. {hugs}

Kristie said...

Jennifer, you express this so well, and it echos so many other's who are dealing with the loss of friendships after the loss of a child. Thank you for sharing this!

ღJessicaღ said...

Oh my goodness Jennifer! You totally had me crying through this blog. Brought me back to that day, I guess.

You are doing amazingly well for what you have been through. You obviously inspire many people and god will bless you for it. :c)

Baby BRD and peanut would be so proud of the woman you are today!