Friday, March 12, 2010

Knowledge is Power? I think not....


I was sitting at work last week when one of my clients handed me a memo. The memo was for the annual bowling outing for all the clients and a sign up sheet. As I was having my client sign up I had a thought. Last year, on the day of the bowling outing I took my first pregnancy test. I found out that we were expecting Bryston on that day, one year ago.

*Sigh*

A year already? I guess technically it was a little over a year ago because it was after the bowling outing that I had my first OB appointment to confirmed I was pregnant on March 2nd of last year. I was 8 weeks already at that appointment. I had assumed that I was somewhere near 5 or 6 weeks at that appointment. My doctor laughed and said, "This little bean has got to be the chubbiest 5 weeker I've ever seen! You're a little farther than you thought."

I still remember showing Ty the pregnancy tests, I took 2 just to be sure. He took them and asked, "What does this mean?" I said, "I'm pregnant," and burst into tears. Looking back now, I think how silly it was that I was upset. Had I known what a little miracle Bryston was to become, I would have been singing for joy. And had I known how badly I want him now I could kick myself for even questioning that blessing.

The time is just flying by. I hate it. I want to go back in time and warn myself that day. I could have told myself to be more careful, to pay more attention to those pains on the 21st of July. To enjoy every single second of the time I had with him. I was so damn ungrateful about it all. All I could think about at the time was how much my life was about to change and worry about how I would be at being this babies mama. Its so ironic now that I would give anything to have my life in an upheaval if it meant having him here again. That my life is still so different anyhow now without him and Peanut in it it's almost unbearable. How did I not see it? Why is this happening to me? To all of you? I don't think I'll ever stop asking why. I suppose that even if I had those answers that they wouldn't be enough. It could never be enough. My babies are still gone, answers or not.

The bowling outing is next weekend, my weekend to work. I'm really not sure how I'm going to handle being back there again, knowing what I know now. God, what I wouldn't give to give that knowledge back. Whoever said knowledge is power is an idiot. I would give just about anything to be blissfully ignorant on this matter again and have my babies here with me.


All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.
~Mark Twain~

Where ignorance is bliss, 'Tis folly to be wise.
~Thomas Gray~

You can swim all day in the Sea of Knowledge and still come out completely dry. Most people do. ~Norman Juster~


See what I mean? I think I'm on to something here :)




13 comments:

JenJen said...

Ohh, how true...ignorance is bliss...

I found out I was pregnant with Lily on my birthday and I don't think I'll ever look at my birthday with giddiness again. Thinking of you and both your babies today ((HUGS))

Tina said...

I completely agree!! I too wish I would have been more informed, that someone would have told me to watch for certain things. I wish I could go back and change it for all of us and live blissfully ignorant for ever with our sweet babies in our arms. xx

Franchesca Cox said...

Jennifer I could have written this myself. I think how scared I was about being pregnant with Jenna, and all I could dwell on was how life was going to change... or I thought. I was so selfish, and I wish I was ignorant too. Had she been healthy, would I have known what a blessing I had? That haunts me nearly everyday. I agree, ignorance IS bliss. Thinking of you!
xx

michelle hendrix-swords said...

for me it's not so much the date i found out i was pregnant as the date i got pregnant. we conceived xavier in february 2009, there was a baby we miscarried that was conceived february 2004. i was never meant to have a november baby...valentine's day is awful for me.
some days i can't wait for the first year of anniversaries to be over, but i know then will come the second year of anniversaries.

He & Me + 3 said...

((hugs))

megkatkoz said...

I just became a follower of your blog, and I have been so moved. I feel so stupid about being ignorant...sure I knew back before I went through my losses that miscarriages and ectopics happened, but why on earth would they happen to me? My husband and I talk a lot about the last few minutes we had of ignorant bliss, sitting in the drs office with the ultrasound pic of our son, smiling. We had no idea that a cyst would take his life and that I would have to go through delivery at 17 weeks. I will never have an innocent pregnancy again, especially since my 2nd pregnancy was an ectopic. How we were all robbed. We were robbed of our innocence, and ignorence. I don't know about you, but I am so educated on loss now, that I can't even stand the thought of an ultrasound when I do become pregnant again. Ultrasound rooms scare me, only bad news was ever delivered there.
I pray that we all sail through our next pregnancies...
God Bless, and take care

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Jill said...

I too wish I could go back. I probably will always ask that question. The question that haunts me. Why?

Sending you lots and lots of HUGS! xx

With Out My Punkin said...

Oh I so wish I could go back into ignorance! I did want to be pregnant when I found out I was pregnant with Kasey, someone should have hit me with a 2x4. I did want to be as the pregnancy progressed, I thought it was too soon after getting married... again hit me please. I would do ANYTHING to have him here with us... You are on to something!

Lisette said...

Oh hate the how our first year without begins. I also found out I was pregnant this month and when I did I was scared and unsure if this was right. How I wish I could go back to that day and change my attitude. I try not to dwell on that, but it is hard. Sending you a big ((hug)), I know these days are difficult.

Shandrea said...

Oh i am so with you there. Sometimes i find myself wishing i could go back, it seems as life is now moving at super speeds while i am stuck in one place in time.

DeniFay said...

I would give anything for that innocense back too! It's awful because I even have a hard time being positive for my friends because I know everything bad that could happen! Oh, to have that innocense back, to just enjoy the ride in blissful ignorance--**sigh**

wife.mom.nurse said...

oh so true...in so many ways ignorance is true bliss.

I think of you often even though I have not been on my computer much.

Take care of you.

~Julie