I was sitting at work last week when one of my clients handed me a memo. The memo was for the annual bowling outing for all the clients and a sign up sheet. As I was having my client sign up I had a thought. Last year, on the day of the bowling outing I took my first pregnancy test. I found out that we were expecting Bryston on that day, one year ago.
A year already? I guess technically it was a little over a year ago because it was after the bowling outing that I had my first OB appointment to confirmed I was pregnant on March 2nd of last year. I was 8 weeks already at that appointment. I had assumed that I was somewhere near 5 or 6 weeks at that appointment. My doctor laughed and said, "This little bean has got to be the chubbiest 5 weeker I've ever seen! You're a little farther than you thought."
I still remember showing Ty the pregnancy tests, I took 2 just to be sure. He took them and asked, "What does this mean?" I said, "I'm pregnant," and burst into tears. Looking back now, I think how silly it was that I was upset. Had I known what a little miracle Bryston was to become, I would have been singing for joy. And had I known how badly I want him now I could kick myself for even questioning that blessing.
The time is just flying by. I hate it. I want to go back in time and warn myself that day. I could have told myself to be more careful, to pay more attention to those pains on the 21st of July. To enjoy every single second of the time I had with him. I was so damn ungrateful about it all. All I could think about at the time was how much my life was about to change and worry about how I would be at being this babies mama. Its so ironic now that I would give anything to have my life in an upheaval if it meant having him here again. That my life is still so different anyhow now without him and Peanut in it it's almost unbearable. How did I not see it? Why is this happening to me? To all of you? I don't think I'll ever stop asking why. I suppose that even if I had those answers that they wouldn't be enough. It could never be enough. My babies are still gone, answers or not.
The bowling outing is next weekend, my weekend to work. I'm really not sure how I'm going to handle being back there again, knowing what I know now. God, what I wouldn't give to give that knowledge back. Whoever said knowledge is power is an idiot. I would give just about anything to be blissfully ignorant on this matter again and have my babies here with me.
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.
Where ignorance is bliss, 'Tis folly to be wise.
You can swim all day in the Sea of Knowledge and still come out completely dry. Most people do. ~Norman Juster~
See what I mean? I think I'm on to something here :)
Friday, March 12, 2010
Posted by The Blue Sparrow at 5:51 PM