Ty and I just got home from eating at our local Chinese restaurant. While we were eating our appetizers of egg rolls and fried ragune a group of 3 women, a young girl about 8, and a baby not quite yet one I would assume walked in and sat a few tables over. They hadn't even sat yet and I noticed this baby staring at me. He literally did not take his eyes off me for at least 5 solid minutes before he began to gurgle and play with whatever toy had been sat in front of him. And again several more times during dinner I found this baby boy staring at me for longer than normal periods of time. And this is not something out of the ordinary. It seems like I've these kind of encounters with babies alot since loosing Bryston. Standing in lines at the grocery store or walking by a baby in a shopping cart, its like their eyes are inexplicably drawn to me, craning their delicate necks to see me.
Which leaves me wondering, do they know? Can they somehow sense that my babies are gone? What do they see when they are staring at me? What could possibly be going on inside these babies minds that leave them fascinated by me? Do they know that the site of them rips my heart to pieces? What are their mommies thinking when they look at me? Are they afraid that I'll contaminate them somehow with my misfortune? Can they see through me? Sometimes it sure feels that way. Do I wear my grief written all over my face? I don't know? I thought I was doing a good job of putting on a brave face in public but maybe I'm not doing as good of a job as I thought.
I don't get it? What am I missing here? I guess I'll never know the answers which just leaves me here tonight scratching my head with a belly full of yummy Chinese.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Posted by The Blue Sparrow at 9:10 PM