Friday, February 26, 2010



The first thing I want to say tonight is that I am sorry if this post offends anyone. That is not my intention here at all. I just need to vent a bit and I hope that you all can understand where I am coming from...

I'm really struggling with pregnancy envy right now. It seems like everyone is pregnant, but me. Or, they are new moms out with their bouncing babies full of joy. It literally rips me to pieces. I should be one of them! Twice over in fact, but instead I see them coming and have to avert my gaze. Its not fair! Why can't that be me?

Please don't get me wrong here, for those of you pregnant with your rainbow babies, I am truly happy and you of all deserve these blessings. When I say that I am overjoyed with your news, I am. From the bottom of my heart, rejoicing kind of happy.

But from my neck of the woods, it just seems to me that the universe is flaunting pregnant bellies and newborns in my tear stained face. I should be 20 weeks with Peanut right now. I feel like a spoiled child here stomping my ungrateful foot yelling at God, because I know that so many of you out there don't even have the opportunity to even become pregnant and here I am 2 angels in. I should at least be grateful that I can and have been pregnant. I just wish the outcome had been different and I'm praying to God that the next one will be. Its just kind of hard having that kind of faith when I'm 2 for 2 here.

I don't want to be this bitter but I am. I miss my babies and what could and should have been. I wish I could just erase the last 7 months and have a do over. I've said it a million times and I'll say it again, this isn't fair. Not one bit. I thought I was done asking the whys but that's all that's running through my mind tonight. Why Lord, Why?

*Sigh*


I guess that's it for tonight. Sleep tight bloggers.







25 comments:

Jenn said...

I'm so sorry, Jennifer. You're right, it's NOT fair. Hoping for a rainbow in your future.

Kathi said...

Jennifer - It is ok to feel jealous and it is NOT FAIR that you can't watch your children grow up, yet others take their children for granted. I hope that very soon you can have a screaming baby to take home and love forever.

Franchesca Cox said...

Sending (((HUGS))) your way, Jennifer. I wish I had better words than those, but I know nothing can ease your pain. You're right, none of this is fair.

Praying for you. xo

Lachlan's Mum said...

I've felt jealous of pregnant women ever since Lachlan died. Very jealous. Even now that I'm pregnant, I'm still jealous of pregnant women. It's crazy, isn't it? I hope that you get pregnant with a sticky rainbow baby very, very soon.

Lisa and Jonathan said...

I feel the same way everwhere I go there are pg bellies and newborn babies and I'm jealous. It should of been me.

JenJen said...

((HUGS))

Marie W said...

Jennifer, you and me both! Its good to know that I am not crazy for feeling this way. I believe that it is okay to feel this way now. After all that we have been through... we have that ache, that desire.... and when we see pregnant women, that ache intensifies to envy. Thinking of you.

Tiffany said...

I am sorry that you are going through that. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. God has a plan for all of us, for we do not know what it is. I hope in your plan that he has a beautiful baby planned very soon.

Andrea said...

So sorry that your heart is heavy. If its of any consolation to you, I often feel the same way. For me, baby envy comes in waves. I was hit with a barrage of announcements not so long ago and all I could do was think about how I was prego before all these people...my bliss ended and theirs is coming to fruition.

Angry, sad, mad, jealous and sometimes just plain weepy.

But, there is HOPE ever aparent! And, with FAITH all things are possible. We WILL know bliss again, we WILL Jennifer, we WILL.

This storm shall pass...

xoxo

Allison (Ali) said...

I feel you there. I too am having pregnancy envy. My boss came to the office this week with her 4 wk old baby, that was well difficult.

I hope that it gets better for you. hugs

Beth said...

I have felt the exact same feelings and you have every right to have these feelings! I just wanted you to know that your feelings are more than valid and that i'm here for you. *hugs*

Brie said...

I'm right there with ya..2 for 2 within a year..My heart breaks just a little bit more when I see happy bouncing babies or read the latest facebook update that another friend I never knew was pregnant just popped one out.It's not that we are unhappy for others, I think it's more that seeing what we should have breaks our hearts just a little bit more each time it's put in our face.

Hang in there..One foot in front of the other.

Just Breathe said...

It's not fair and you have every right to feel the way you do. I am so sorry for your sorrow. ((HUGS))
How can you not be bitter, a terrible thing happened to you.
I will continue to prayer for your comfort and strength.

Dana said...

You are not alone, Jennifer. You have every right to feel this way AND to express those feelings. It is hard to watch someone else living your life.

((HUGS))

Mary said...

Life is so not fair. It is broken and twisted. And it is so hurtful. Hoping that you can find peace amidst the blinding awareness of how devestating this world can be.

With Out My Punkin said...

((hugs)) Its not fair, I am sorry.

James Patrick said...

Oh hun you are right it isnt fair, and I will be the first to tell you that I have a few why quetions when I get to heaven myself. But until then we just have to cling to the fact that God did say he has a plan for us all. When you said you were 2 for 2 my heart just broke for you because I have said those exact words in my grief and I lost one more sweet angel before God gave me James. Many nights on my knees crying out to God to spare me from this pain and I know that He comforted me but I still miss them.

I know now that all my grief just made the baby I got to bring him even sweeter. Didnt replace or heal my heart completely but my grief paved the way for me to love more deeply than I think other mothers that have not experienced loss can understand. I dont take any little moment for granted. And I know that WHEN God gives you a child to raise here on earth then you will give that child all the love you have been greiving to share. My prayers are with you.

I just want you to know that you are not alone in your feelings. It is normal to have pregnacy and baby envy. Dont hide that from yourself embrace it so that God can heal that part of your heart for you. I am praying

caitsmom said...

You get to feel how you feel. Thanks for posting honestly; it's refreshing. Peace.

He & Me + 3 said...

Precious Jen...I am praying for you.

Megan said...

*hugs* I can so relate with your feelings!! :o( I'm jealous. End of story. I would have been almost 24 weeks with Grace Willow. The girl I started my L&D job was pregnant at the same time as me. She's still pregnant.. I've seen her pregnant belly around too. I feel so jealous and mad at the situation. I'm sorry you're feeling this way too about others that are pregnant. It's no fun!

Shandrea said...

Jennifer,

I am sorry that you are hurting right now. We all have those days. I totally understand, it seems that way in my kneck of the woods also, sometimes i find myself thinking "where can i find that water at" . I hope the hurt in you heart and the bellies that seem to keep flaunting themselves in your face ease up. I know it's hard but whenever you do see or think of something that gets you down just say to yourself "to god be the glory and haleluah anyhow". it will ease your heart a bit. It usually helps my tears from flowing. Love and Hugs.

Mary said...

I feel the same way at first it was with just friends that became pregnant just after me. It was like I got the ball rolling and they all got pregnant.

Now I read about the rainbow babies and IRL friends as well are having their rainbow babies and I can't even get my husband to say it is OK to start taking my prenatal vitamins.


Praying you get your chance soon.

Holly said...

I think a lot of us loss mommies have felt/feel the same as you write here. You're not alone in this!

DeniFay said...

I feel it too some days worse than others and it makes your heart break! It's so hard too when they complain or mention that they weren't trying or weren't/aren't excited!! Praying for your pain to ease.

Melissa said...

Your story is so touching & you are so right in how you feel. You deserve so much & I pray for you to have it all.

I love reading your blog & hearing your thoughts & because of that I have an award for you on my blog.