Thursday, February 11, 2010

At the end of every day I am still left in awe of how strange it feels that life keeps whizzing by me. The rain still falls and the people in this small town go about their everyday routine; buying groceries, filling their gigantic suv's with gasoline, picking up their children from day care. I should be getting use to this by now, but its still feels wrong to me. I still feel like I'm on the outside looking in. I sit at work and wonder when life will begin to feel normal again. When will I be able to make it through a day without my thoughts lost in July. My life hit the brakes in July and I'm still wondering how the world can keep turning without Bryston and Peanut here to keep my world revolving.

In my car driving the other day I caught myself playing a sick little game with myself. Kind of a he loves me, he loves me not kind of game. With each house I passed I thought this one has been in my shoes, this one has not. This one has buried her baby, that one is one of the lucky ones. This one cries in the shower too, that one cries only with joy. How awful that at the thought that I was probably more accurate in my morbid little game, than not. How common our stories are but how hidden from the world our stories are. I hear more and more every week of another family joining the ranks of our bereaved club, and I wonder why I never heard these things as often before? Is it because now that I've been there people know its something that I can relate to and feel free to share with me or did I chose to ignore these stories as they were whispered to me?

I'm tired of the whispers! I want to scream every time I think about each of our angels! Why doesn't the world care enough to get involved? Why is loosing a child an awful secret? A statistic? Why is stillbirth still a medical mystery? It infuriates me! Why does no one care about this unless it touches their own life? I admit it, before Bryston, I was just like them. Who wants to hear about this? How depressing and awful, so why not sweep it under the rug? I just don't understand. Your hearts bad, lets get you a new one, your arms been amputated, okay lets get you a new one. We can give antibiotics and surgeries to accommodate numerous ailments but a lost child, no one can replace or heal the hurt that leaves in its wake.

I wish that I could just trade in all of my earthly possessions like tokens to God in exchange for my babies. I can just imagine backing up a U-Haul to the pearly gates and waiting in line for my exchanges. Knowing my luck though, they'd tell me that the guy in front of me had used the last exchange voucher and that I was out of luck. How sad is that, even my lunatic daydreams end poorly. LOL, I guess I must be in one of those strange moods tonight. See ya next time bloggers, I'm off to bed. Hopefully I'll dream a better ending to that one tonight. I'm still waiting on my angel dreams, no such luck yet. Maybe tonight's the night! Wish me luck bloggers! *HUGS*








14 comments:

Allison (Ali) said...

you have it so right. i never knew anything about babyloss until we lost Cadynce. It's heartbreaking to me how many women I have met or heard about in the last 4 months and I hate it everytime I hear about another women who has joined our ranks.

hugs to you

Tina said...

I wonder if other people have any idea of how often a baby dies. I don't think they realize that it is so prevelant; I don't think I did until it happend to us. Sweet dreams!! xx

Franchesca Cox said...

Oh, I hope you dream about your babies. I have to admit I have played those sick games in my head just wondering what real heartache other people are masking and if they can relate to me or not. It changes us completely and I wonder too if it is just more prevalent or was I really so naive? So careless? It eats me up sometimes, but I'm not that person anymore. I hope and pray you find peace and that life will start to give you a more comfortable place... I don't know if normal exists anymore. Thinking about you. xx

Jess said...

Yes, it can be so hard to watch the world go on around you when you feel like yours has just stopped for good...I hope you have some beautiful dreams about your babies soon, and begin to feel some hope in the middle of all the sadness. Hugs!!

Akul's mama said...

I used to think the world goes on till I started seeing through all the smiles around me. Now every day, I stay back in class with someone or the other weeping on my shoulder - they have lost lost something or someone. It is such a strangely sad world.

Marie W said...

All these questions i have asked myself and I still cannot find the answers. Thinking of you and sending you hugs.

He & Me + 3 said...

Jennifer,

I hope that you had a restful sleep and that you have a great weekend. Feel better my friend. Rest in HIM!

Jill said...

We are such different people now. Our babies have changed us. I never knew the heartache that existed before and I think it is mainly because I was naive and just did not understand. I now wonder when I see someone cry, did they lose their baby? I often find myself asking that question in my head a lot.

Thinking about you! xo

Mary said...

It is a club, a hidden club that no woman wants to join. But once you join you can never go back. It is amazing how big the club is, not that I have joined. Have this many women been suffering the whole time I was oblivious?

withoutmypunkin said...

((hugs)) I too play those sick games and sometimes wish that some people would have to go through what we have to not take their kids for grated... My OB told me that still birth was rare, I told her NOPE sorry its not and you should not be telling people that either, educated them for crying out loud! I love this song and sometimes leave your blog open and listen to it time and time again.

Jody said...

I feel the same way. This week has been rough for me; the second week of every month is rough.

I get angry watching the world just carry on while I take Valentine flowers to my child's GRAVE.

And because I can't seem to get pregnant again, I feel trapped in and by my own body. I'm stuck in the pain and misery, wondering when I'm going to be able to feel better.

Nan & Mike said...

Well put Jennifer....just sending hugs and hope for good dreams and an earthly baby in your arms someday soon xxoo

Shandrea said...

Well said. I feel the same. Sending you hugs and love.

Jenn said...

I hear you. I'm getting braver about telling my story & talking when I want to. Hopefully by doing so, people who listen will understand better how to relate to those who lose babies around them in the future.