I want to first start by saying that the other night, I did have a dream. But, not the one that I have been praying for. I don't even remember most of it, just one part in particular. In the dream I was pregnant, pregnant with a baby boy. My tummy was swollen to what I would guess would be between 6 to 7 months. But that is all I remember. I don't have a clue what I was doing in the dream, just that I was expecting this miracle of a baby boy. And somehow I knew that this wasn't Bryston or even Peanut. It was a new baby. A new blessing. So I am choosing to believe that I was dreaming my future. That one day soon, I will be blessed again and that this time, it will stick. But in my waking hours I am scared. What if I do get pregnant again? Will we ever have a happy ending? I refuse to give up. I refuse to give up this dream of rocking my baby to sleep at night and holding it close. 2 years ago my dream was to start my own business or to travel the world just Ty and I but now, none of that matters. My dreams have changed. I want a child. A child that looks like Ty and I and has his sense of humor and my soft heart. Why is that dream so easy for others and not for me?
The other thing that I wanted to share is kind of strange, and I'm still not sure what to make of it. Driving home from work last night I came up on a group of sparrows in the road. As I approached they began to scatter and fly off. But then, a bird about the size of a blue jay(I'm not sure what its breed was)swooped down and picked up one of the sparrows. It flew off with this tiny bird in its claws. I was stunned. All I could do was let out an aggravated, Ugh! What in the world was that about and why did I of all people need to see that? I didn't even know that birds ate other birds, besides the larger predator birds like owls or hawks. Call me naive but I was under the impression that these smaller birds ate worms not other birds! I know its a silly thing to be bothered by, but I took this personally. After all, sparrows are kinda my connection to Bryston. I just don't understand this one? I think maybe it bothered me because there wasn't anything I could do to save that sparrow. It was unfair and I didn't like watching it. I wanted to protect it just like I wish I could have, and should have protected Bryston and Peanut.
On a completely different note, I still haven't taken down Bryston's Christmas tree. I was reluctant to even put the thing up but now I cant seem to part with it. I love the way it looks and is decorated with all of his things. I hope this isn't strange and that I'm not the only one holding out but even if I am, I don't really care. I walk past it everyday and I get to see his things on display. Not that I don't have his things sporadically throughout the house, but this is something bigger. That cant be overlooked. Maybe that's the reason why. You cant overlook his tree like you can overlook his picture on the wall or his hippo on my bed. I know that I need to just bite the bullet and take it down, I just don't want to.
I hope you are all enjoying your weekend and have a great Valentines Day! BIG HUGS to each of you! God Bless!
Verses for your Valentines Day
And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity
1 Peter 4:8
Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.
1 John 4:19
We love because He first loved us.
1 Corinthians 13:13
And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Posted by The Blue Sparrow at 1:12 PM