Saturday, February 13, 2010

Another Sparrow Visit and a Dream

I want to first start by saying that the other night, I did have a dream. But, not the one that I have been praying for. I don't even remember most of it, just one part in particular. In the dream I was pregnant, pregnant with a baby boy. My tummy was swollen to what I would guess would be between 6 to 7 months. But that is all I remember. I don't have a clue what I was doing in the dream, just that I was expecting this miracle of a baby boy. And somehow I knew that this wasn't Bryston or even Peanut. It was a new baby. A new blessing. So I am choosing to believe that I was dreaming my future. That one day soon, I will be blessed again and that this time, it will stick. But in my waking hours I am scared. What if I do get pregnant again? Will we ever have a happy ending? I refuse to give up. I refuse to give up this dream of rocking my baby to sleep at night and holding it close. 2 years ago my dream was to start my own business or to travel the world just Ty and I but now, none of that matters. My dreams have changed. I want a child. A child that looks like Ty and I and has his sense of humor and my soft heart. Why is that dream so easy for others and not for me?

The other thing that I wanted to share is kind of strange, and I'm still not sure what to make of it. Driving home from work last night I came up on a group of sparrows in the road. As I approached they began to scatter and fly off. But then, a bird about the size of a blue jay(I'm not sure what its breed was)swooped down and picked up one of the sparrows. It flew off with this tiny bird in its claws. I was stunned. All I could do was let out an aggravated, Ugh! What in the world was that about and why did I of all people need to see that? I didn't even know that birds ate other birds, besides the larger predator birds like owls or hawks. Call me naive but I was under the impression that these smaller birds ate worms not other birds! I know its a silly thing to be bothered by, but I took this personally. After all, sparrows are kinda my connection to Bryston. I just don't understand this one? I think maybe it bothered me because there wasn't anything I could do to save that sparrow. It was unfair and I didn't like watching it. I wanted to protect it just like I wish I could have, and should have protected Bryston and Peanut.

On a completely different note, I still haven't taken down Bryston's Christmas tree. I was reluctant to even put the thing up but now I cant seem to part with it. I love the way it looks and is decorated with all of his things. I hope this isn't strange and that I'm not the only one holding out but even if I am, I don't really care. I walk past it everyday and I get to see his things on display. Not that I don't have his things sporadically throughout the house, but this is something bigger. That cant be overlooked. Maybe that's the reason why. You cant overlook his tree like you can overlook his picture on the wall or his hippo on my bed. I know that I need to just bite the bullet and take it down, I just don't want to.

I hope you are all enjoying your weekend and have a great Valentines Day! BIG HUGS to each of you! God Bless!

Verses for your Valentines Day

Colossians 3:14
And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity

1 Peter 4:8
Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.

1 John 4:19
We love because He first loved us.

1 Corinthians 13:13
And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love


James Patrick said...

Oh I hate you had to see that too. I wanted to share something with you. I have a little room in my house that I keep my sweet angel babies things in with a chair that I like to sit in by a window. I was sitting there the other day just chatting to myself and praying and there were a little flock of sparrows that can to the window and started feeding. I sat there for I know 20 min just watching them and God laid you on my heart so I used that time to pray for you and your husband. I just wanted you to know that. Happy Valentine Day I pray that you feel loved and comforted.

Monica said...

I just saw your comment on Ella's Butterfly sight so I decided to check out your blog. We lost our baby girl Gracie, Dec. 10 at 26 1/2weeks gestation.

Maybe the sparrow incident was a reminder that it was not your fault and there was nothing you could do? I'm not sure if that applies or not, but God hates your suffering and even that sparrows suffering.

It took me longer than ever to take our Christmas tree down this time too, I didn't want to put away Gracie's ornaments and things. I ended up taking picture of each special thing so that I can look at them when I want to.

Jill said...

I am so sorry you had to see that sparrow get taken away like that. I would have been upset also.

As far as the Christmas tree, I think you should take your time with it and take it down when you are ready. I wanted to keep my babies tree up all year as it had such beautiful reminders of them!


Allison (Ali) said...

Your dream was of the future it has to have been, Bryston and Peanut telling you they love you and to not give up.
I also agree with Monica that maybe the sparrow incident was gods way of telling you it's not your fault that there was nothing that could have been done. It sucks I know..

I hope that you have a better sparrow moment soon because I know how much that means to you and how special that is.


Jody said...

Happy Valentines Day, Mrs. Jennifer! I love my chocolate candy Valentine you made for my mommy. Don't worry about Bryston and Peanut; we're all ok and having fun playing together. We can't wait to see you and mommy. xoxo Grant

DeniFay said...

Oh, that's sad about the bird, and I'm sorry you saw that!

But I KNOW that your dream was your future and that you will hold that earthly baby one day and we'll all be all smiles about it! I hope to hear it soon!!

It's amazing how our dreams and priorities change and how much wanting a baby changes you. It is so easy for some people and some people who don't even appreciate it. Just know that you will and your babies are so blessed to have you, and your future babies will be too!!!

Akul's mama said...

Thank you so much Jennifer. It means a lot to me to see my baby's name. I love all those chocolates and so wish all our beautiful loved babies were here with us and not just in our hearts. XO XO

Shandrea said...


I don't think it's weird to be weirded out by the other bird grabbing the sparrow, i would be too, nor do i think it's weird that you are unable to take down bryston's tree, it's special it has meaning so that's not weird at all, at least you were able to put up a tree at all and just like you had to think about putting it up , when you are ready you will take it down. Continue to hold on to your hope, and if you ever feel weak with doubt and questions, know that i and many others are beside you hoping and believing. Sending you love my frien.

Tiffany said...

I'm not an expert but I believe that some of our dreams have truths in them. I've had dreams about places I've never seen and one day I find myself in that same place. Sometimes its months after the dream, even years before I get there. You have to allow yourself to have an open mind about the "signs" you get. Maybe the sparrow incident was not for you. Don't get discouraged, God loves us.