4 Months

Bryston would have been 4 months old today. I can hardly believe it's been that long since I've held him in my arms. He's been gone for over a 4th of the year already. I can hardly even wrap my head around that idea much less the fact that he isn't here. It seems like everyday I have to remind myself that I don't have to get out of bed to take care of a fussy baby.

I wonder what he'd be doing today. How would he look or sound? It breaks my heart that I cant hold him close and whisper I love yous in his ear. What I wouldn't give or do to have him back. That's a scary thought right there because, No, there is not one thing in this world that I wouldn't do if that would come true.

I feel, though, like I'm headed in the right direction for healing. Yes, I still have some pretty rough days more often than not, but the fact that I can manage a few good days in between there is a good sign. I still feel like I stare a little to long at the pregnant girl in the store or baby in her shopping cart. I don't know why I do this. Even if they look nothing like Bryston, I still find myself mesmerized by them. But I don't feel angry at them or hold any ill will or jealousy when looking at them. I guess I'm just transfixed with what could have been and trying to get a glimpse of what my life might have been at whatever stage they are at.

I manage to get through my days at work and I can actually concentrate on the tasks at hand, but once that free time rolls around, its all about Bryston. My emotions are still pretty unpredictable. I don't know how I'll react to any given situation still, but I can be in public now with few to no breakdowns.

I still cant believe that Ive managed thus far. I feel guilty for the good days and guilt for when my mind in on anything other than him. Sometimes I feel guilt because I feel like I'm doing better than I think I should be doing. How am I not in an emotional coma by now? How have I managed to survive this, I don't have an answer for that. The only thing I can contribute it to is God, family, friends and this blog. If I didn't have this blog and all of you bloggy friends out there to relate to then yes I think Id still be in that first month after emotional state, refusing to leave the house or do anything other than sleep.

I lit his candle today and I will leave it lit for the remaining part of the day. Its raining and cold here today otherwise I would drive the hours drive to his site just to be near him. I wish the weather was nicer because it would have been nice to go there. Its been a few weeks. This is the longest Ive gone in between visits. I'm normally there weekly so this feels strange. I dont really have anything else for today so heres a bible verse that I found and wanted to share;

Jeremiah 33:6
Behold, I will bring it health and healing; I will heal them and reveal to them the abundance of peace and truth.


God Bless,