Tuesday, November 24, 2009

4 Months




Bryston would have been 4 months old today. I can hardly believe it's been that long since I've held him in my arms. He's been gone for over a 4th of the year already. I can hardly even wrap my head around that idea much less the fact that he isn't here. It seems like everyday I have to remind myself that I don't have to get out of bed to take care of a fussy baby.

I wonder what he'd be doing today. How would he look or sound? It breaks my heart that I cant hold him close and whisper I love yous in his ear. What I wouldn't give or do to have him back. That's a scary thought right there because, No, there is not one thing in this world that I wouldn't do if that would come true.

I feel, though, like I'm headed in the right direction for healing. Yes, I still have some pretty rough days more often than not, but the fact that I can manage a few good days in between there is a good sign. I still feel like I stare a little to long at the pregnant girl in the store or baby in her shopping cart. I don't know why I do this. Even if they look nothing like Bryston, I still find myself mesmerized by them. But I don't feel angry at them or hold any ill will or jealousy when looking at them. I guess I'm just transfixed with what could have been and trying to get a glimpse of what my life might have been at whatever stage they are at.

I manage to get through my days at work and I can actually concentrate on the tasks at hand, but once that free time rolls around, its all about Bryston. My emotions are still pretty unpredictable. I don't know how I'll react to any given situation still, but I can be in public now with few to no breakdowns.

I still cant believe that Ive managed thus far. I feel guilty for the good days and guilt for when my mind in on anything other than him. Sometimes I feel guilt because I feel like I'm doing better than I think I should be doing. How am I not in an emotional coma by now? How have I managed to survive this, I don't have an answer for that. The only thing I can contribute it to is God, family, friends and this blog. If I didn't have this blog and all of you bloggy friends out there to relate to then yes I think Id still be in that first month after emotional state, refusing to leave the house or do anything other than sleep.

I lit his candle today and I will leave it lit for the remaining part of the day. Its raining and cold here today otherwise I would drive the hours drive to his site just to be near him. I wish the weather was nicer because it would have been nice to go there. Its been a few weeks. This is the longest Ive gone in between visits. I'm normally there weekly so this feels strange. I dont really have anything else for today so heres a bible verse that I found and wanted to share;

Jeremiah 33:6
Behold, I will bring it health and healing; I will heal them and reveal to them the abundance of peace and truth.


God Bless,



18 comments:

Missing Kasey said...

((hugs)) Thinking of Bryston with you.

Holly said...

Happy 4 months in Heaven to sweet Bryston. No doubt he is being loved on by Jesus and the angels.

Time slips by so fast. I can hardly believe it is almost Christmas. Seriously?? I think we'll always wonder how they would be and what they would look like at each stage of their life.

Sometimes we are surprised by how strong we can be. Before you can never imagine making it through but God really is there for you.

Sending you a ((hug)) as you remember Bryston today.

Allison said...

((HUGS)) praying for Bryston's mommy on her 4 months being without him.

It has only been 6 weeks for me and I really dont know how I manage to get out of bed some days.

JamieW said...

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. For me, it feels like the day I held my son was years ago (it was just over 3 months) but I have no idea how I have survived or how I will survive. I am sending you lots of hugs.

Lianne said...

Jennifer, my heart is drawn to the words you speak. Time does go by extremely fast... a little too fast. I'm glad that you seem to be doing well. Do not feel guilty on your good days because baby Brytson is happy when his mommy is happy.

Karen said...

Thinking of you today, Jennifer, and of your Bryston. These milestones can be so emotional. I also don't know what I'd have done without finding other babylost mums online. Love'n prayers with you through the ups and the downs.

He & Me + 3 said...

I am glad that you are having good some good days. You need those.
Hugs,
Mimi

Bree said...

Thinking of you today, Jenn. I think months 4 and 5 were my most difficult (so far). Hang in there.

Jen said...

missing him with you! praying for more good days.. :)

hugs

Once A Mother said...

Remembering your sweet baby boy with you. Happy 4th month Bryston. You are missed and loved.

wife.mom.nurse said...

As I led my support group today I thought of you.

A mom shared about her loss and her baby would be 4 months very soon.

The holidays are so painful when you are grieving and we are right upon them...

Praying for you my friend.

~Happy 4 month Birthday Bryston~

Akul's mama said...

Thinking about Bryston with you today. It is so sad he is not here ....hugsssssssss

Akul's mama said...

Thinking about Bryston with you today. It is so sad he is not here ....hugsssssssss

Tina said...

Happy 4 months little Bryston. xx

Tina said...

Jennifer:

I am praying for you...

~Hugs

AKD said...

I just read your post, and it touched me. I also live in Iowa (central), and our little girl was stillborn in July (on the 7th). I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you.

Tiffany said...

Hugs to you on Bryston's 4th month day. Don't feel guilty for having good days, you need to have those and Bryston is smiling down on you when you do. The words in your post sound like you are handling the day well so far, considering the weather and what day it is. Hang in there.


guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long.- Psalms 25:5

Katie said...

Jennifer ~ This is a wonderful verse. Thank you.

Thinking of you today.