One month. 30 Days. 730.48 hours. 43,200 minutes. 2,629,743 seconds. Thats what makes up one month. This is the amount of time that has passed since my son was in my arms. They, along with my heart, have been aching ever since.
Today is August 24th. One month ago I met my beautiful son, Bryston Ray. I am missing him terribly today. At 1:01pm today he would be one month old if he had survived. I didnt know that I had the capactity to love and ache for someone this intensly. Its a raging river of dispair and around the next bend is still waters. I just cant seem to stop falling off the raft to get there. I am just hanging on the side hoping not to drown myself.
The day we delivered Bryston to heaven, the orgaization Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep took pictures of my husband Ty and Bryston. I am yearning so badly to see those pictures. We havent recieved them yet. I need to see his face again so much right now. To see his hands in his daddy's. To know that he was here and not just in my imagination. I need that. I feel as if I could fill the entire ocean with my tears. Seeing his creamy soft skin and dark head of hair is the only way to sooth my soul on a day like today. I need to see my son. I wish I could hold my son and look into his eyes and know that this all was a bad dream. I long to hear his cry and to comfort him. I cant do any of these things. All I have now is pictures of him. I am so scared that they got lost in the mail somewhere. We didnt take any ourselves so I am kicking myself for not arraninging to pick them up. Please pray that they are not lost, that they will arrive safely soon! Its all I have left of him.
I have a check up today with my ob. He is a great man. He was so sensitive with us and our situation and treated us like family. He himself has a son in heaven, who was delivered full term as a stillbirth as well. I have come to care deeply for him as he is a fellow club member. That said, Im not sure I am going to be strong enough to see him on the one month anniversary of him delivering my son. I'm going to need prayers to give me the strength to get through this. I need to go. I need to face him and ask him all the questions that I have. I just dont know if I can go and sit in his waiting room with all the other expecting happy and healthy moms to be and not break down. Im not strong enough, I've just started going to the stores by myself again. Doing even that is a big step for me.
I am suprised at myself at how open I can be online but in person intensly private and protective of telling my story. I cant contain my emotions and that leaves me feeling pretty insecure that Im going to be stranded in public all alone and a mess. I've always been a pretty open person, but this, I cant bring myself to be as open as I would normally be. I want to yell Brystons name from the rooftops, decribe his every feature to anyone who'll listen, sing him lullabys when your the only one there to listen, but I wont. Why, I dont know. If I cant see you I can hide behind this screen. I can type through my tears and you'll never know. I dont have to be a mess in front of anyone. I can just be. I know it doesnt make alot of sence. Nothing much does anymore to me. That's simply what has become my new reality. I cant predict how Im going to feel or react to any given situation. Im rambling, I know. I'm trying to distract myself from the fact that in a few short hours Im going to be facing the man that helped me meet my son. All I want to do is run away from this. Run as fast as I can so that it wont be real. Please pray for me today. And please pray that we will soon recieive his photos. I cannot wait to look at sweet face again!
Also I want to encourage any of you that are able to, to please make any donation you can to nowilaymedowntosleep.org. What they did for us is amazing, and brings me so much peace. Every donation will go toward helping another family like mine in their healing process.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Posted by The Blue Sparrow at 9:24 PM