I think the hardest thing about a stillbirth is not having the memories of a child to comfort you after your loss. Its not that I dont have memories, I do. Thats what I wanted to talk about today. I just dont have any memories where Bryston was alive outside my womb. I will always have the special memories of holding him and kissing him and touching his skin though.
The other night I was laying in bed. Ty was already asleep and I was lying there sleepless yet again. I realized that I had my hand on my lower left tummy. This was Brystons favorite spot to nuzzle into. He was always there if he wasnt bouncing around in there and kung foo'ing my insides. Our child was pretty active to say the least, but when he was quiet he curled up into me and I could almost hold him if I rested my hand there.
One night while laying in bed, Ty had his hand on "Brystons spot" while trying to go to sleep. Bryston was curled up and still, and I was almost drifted off to sleep when Ty rolled over taking his hand off my stomach. Almost immediatly after Ty took his hand away Bryston began pushing into my stomach making that spot soo tight! It was as if he was nuzzeling back toward where Ty's hand had been. Like he was looking for his Daddy! I told Ty that he had to put his hand back because Bryston was looking for him, so Ty did. And Bryston stopped. The tightness in my stomach subsided and he was still again. Ty and I laughed so hard and long at that. He wasnt even born yet and he was already a daddy's boy! Bryston also would get very active when Ty talked to him or when Ty was talking or singing loudly. It was a surefire way to get him riled up.
Ty use to joke that we were going to name Bryston Hezeckial and spell it B.O.B just to mess with people, lol! Im smiling becuase this is so typical of my lighthearted husband. Ty would lean over my tummy and say,"Hezeckial! Its daddy! Are you in there?" And Bryston would give me a few good kicks and punches in responce. He wanted to be known. He made himself known. As I was remembering all of this I just had to wonder, how could I have not known that he was in trouble? He was so strong? How did my heart not stop beating when his did? If the universe was fair, I would have. I would have had every sign telling me to get to the hospital sooner and Bryston would be in his bassenet next to me. But the universe isnt fair and countless other mommies like me have to come home to empty nurseries.
I now realize how almost every single activity of my life surrounded Bryston and his arrival. From Brushing my teeth to cooking a meal to even housecleaning all have some memory of him attached to it. Everyday is like living a silent memorial to him. And Im okay with that. Id rather have those memories then not have any at all. Id rather be laying in bed knowing that I at least got a chance to know him and his personality.
I know that he was a cuddler. That he was a daddy's boy. I know that he was active and strong. I know that he hated tomatoes and loved fruit. I know what he looks, feels and smells like, and it was heaven. If only for 28 weeks, I got to experence heaven. I wouldn't trade all the morning sickness in the world for that. I got to meet my son and fall in love with him all over again. And now I get to do that everytime I brush my teeth. In that way I guess Im lucky. Most parents rush through their day and barley think about how lucky they are to have their kids. I know. I have never been more certain of anything in my life. Its a knowledge that I would give back in a heartbeat to have my son but since I cant, Im comforted by it. Bryston will live everyday in my thoughts and memories.
“Do not be afraid, for I am with you; I will bring your children from the east and gather you from the west.“ Isaiah 43:5 (Boy, I hope and pray that's true.)
For short time I had
your body in my body:
your belly in my belly.
And now, though I have
your heart in my heart
your soul in my soul,
I will never again have
your hand in my hand.
I miss your life in my life
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Posted by The Blue Sparrow at 1:17 PM