Saturday, August 29, 2009

Memories



I think the hardest thing about a stillbirth is not having the memories of a child to comfort you after your loss. Its not that I dont have memories, I do. Thats what I wanted to talk about today. I just dont have any memories where Bryston was alive outside my womb. I will always have the special memories of holding him and kissing him and touching his skin though.

The other night I was laying in bed. Ty was already asleep and I was lying there sleepless yet again. I realized that I had my hand on my lower left tummy. This was Brystons favorite spot to nuzzle into. He was always there if he wasnt bouncing around in there and kung foo'ing my insides. Our child was pretty active to say the least, but when he was quiet he curled up into me and I could almost hold him if I rested my hand there.

One night while laying in bed, Ty had his hand on "Brystons spot" while trying to go to sleep. Bryston was curled up and still, and I was almost drifted off to sleep when Ty rolled over taking his hand off my stomach. Almost immediatly after Ty took his hand away Bryston began pushing into my stomach making that spot soo tight! It was as if he was nuzzeling back toward where Ty's hand had been. Like he was looking for his Daddy! I told Ty that he had to put his hand back because Bryston was looking for him, so Ty did. And Bryston stopped. The tightness in my stomach subsided and he was still again. Ty and I laughed so hard and long at that. He wasnt even born yet and he was already a daddy's boy! Bryston also would get very active when Ty talked to him or when Ty was talking or singing loudly. It was a surefire way to get him riled up.

Ty use to joke that we were going to name Bryston Hezeckial and spell it B.O.B just to mess with people, lol! Im smiling becuase this is so typical of my lighthearted husband. Ty would lean over my tummy and say,"Hezeckial! Its daddy! Are you in there?" And Bryston would give me a few good kicks and punches in responce. He wanted to be known. He made himself known. As I was remembering all of this I just had to wonder, how could I have not known that he was in trouble? He was so strong? How did my heart not stop beating when his did? If the universe was fair, I would have. I would have had every sign telling me to get to the hospital sooner and Bryston would be in his bassenet next to me. But the universe isnt fair and countless other mommies like me have to come home to empty nurseries.

I now realize how almost every single activity of my life surrounded Bryston and his arrival. From Brushing my teeth to cooking a meal to even housecleaning all have some memory of him attached to it. Everyday is like living a silent memorial to him. And Im okay with that. Id rather have those memories then not have any at all. Id rather be laying in bed knowing that I at least got a chance to know him and his personality.

I know that he was a cuddler. That he was a daddy's boy. I know that he was active and strong. I know that he hated tomatoes and loved fruit. I know what he looks, feels and smells like, and it was heaven. If only for 28 weeks, I got to experence heaven. I wouldn't trade all the morning sickness in the world for that. I got to meet my son and fall in love with him all over again. And now I get to do that everytime I brush my teeth. In that way I guess Im lucky. Most parents rush through their day and barley think about how lucky they are to have their kids. I know. I have never been more certain of anything in my life. Its a knowledge that I would give back in a heartbeat to have my son but since I cant, Im comforted by it. Bryston will live everyday in my thoughts and memories.

“Do not be afraid, for I am with you; I will bring your children from the east and gather you from the west.“ Isaiah 43:5 (Boy, I hope and pray that's true.)
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For short time I had
your body in my body:
I carried
your belly in my belly.

And now, though I have
your heart in my heart
and feel
your soul in my soul,

I will never again have
your hand in my hand.
I miss your life in my life

12 comments:

Melissa said...

Jennifer, you have a beautiful heart. I love that you are able to share it in words. Hugs to you.

Just Breathe said...

My heart aches for you. ((HUGS))

He & Me + 3 said...

You write so beautifully and share your heart so sweetly. What special sweet memories you have of your baby. Praying that the pictures arrive soon.

Laura said...

I am so sorry for your loss- but happy for the memories that you DO have- I loved 'listening' to you recall how he was in the womb- and though it is difficult not having memories to grieve- or sustain you- it is the hopes that you will remember and grieve- it is the hope that will help you get through the day. I am amazed with your strength!
Thinking of you!
Hugs-
Laura

ღJessicaღ said...

Love the picture. ;) So perfectly titled.

Once A Mother said...

what an absolutely beautiful post, when you talked about bryston cuddling up to where your husbands hand had been, my eyes welled with tears. I am so happy that you have these great memories of your boy, that you knew to embrace every flash of his life with you. Love your poem too.

Rock n Royalty Photography said...
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Rock n Royalty Photography said...

your strength leaves me in awe of you daily. you're such an amazing soul and so loving.
you're definitely an inspiration to me.

Rock n Royalty Photography said...
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Alicia said...

That was so sweet what you wrote about your husband and his hand!! So precious!! You can rejoice in the Lord that you do have those memories to carry you, my friend.

I loved that poem too. Very touching.

Liz_bates2005 said...

This is beautiful...You both are amazing people and together you made a child that was already an angel before he was born. God had much better plans for your child in Heaven, away from hurt, pain, and the hardships of the world. He made a special place for him and although you cannot hold his hand now...God is holding his hand now until you join him in the Heavenly Kingdom and God places his hand in yours. Stay strong, you are beautful.

Jessica said...

You are SO strong! Its amazing and so important that you have this optimistic perspective and that you are thankful for the time you spent with him. I wish everybody had that kind of optimism. Thank you for making me realize how precious and fragile the miracle of life is and how much I am thankful for my newborn son! Don't ever lose your great spirit!