Thursday, February 18, 2010

Burned Out

So I just got home from work a little bit ago. I am so tired and worn out from today its not even funny. I've just noticed that the last few days, I'm in kind of a weird place. I'm not even sure how to describe it besides just relating it to feeling numb. I don't get after all this time how I can feel even remotely numb. Sad to say but I am kind of getting almost use to these roller coaster emotions, if that's even possible. But that's been my norm up until now. Very low and sad, or some days, rare days almost at peace with it all. But the last few days, nothing.

After everything, how is that even possible? Don't get me wrong, I'm a little glad for the break but it feels almost wrong to not be feeling it in the ways I normally do? I keep hearing this little voice telling me how rotten I am that I don't feel worse at the moment but I just keep telling myself that this must be normal. To just feel so much for so long that there has to be a breaking point somewhere in there, even if it's only temporary. Maybe it's just that I'm so tired and preoccupied with working so much the last 2 days thats keeping my mind off things, so that helps me feel better for the moment anyways...

I dont really have a whole lot to say tonight so I'll just keep this a short post for tonight. But I did want to say how glad I am that you all liked your hearts so well! I loved doing them for all your angels and it put a smile on my face when I got them all done. I know how important it is to me to see my angels names so I wanted to return the favor. I got two over the weekend as well. Thank you Danielle and Thank you Birni! I love them!





Luke 6:38
"Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." (How true!)




12 comments:

Tiffany said...

I thought of you today. I was getting back into my truck from dropping my daughter off at school and spotted a sparrow. I tried to get close enough to take a photo but everytime I clicked an app on my phone he would move down the fence. Before I knew it he was quite far away. So I took the memory of him in my mind and thought I would share with you when I got the opportunity.

I don't know if you follow this blog, but I thought I could suggestit.www.natalienortonphoto.com
She is grieving the loss of her son Gavin who at 9 weeks old passed away. Her words are very inspiring. I thought I would share.

Monica said...

Hi Jennifer, I can relate to every word you just wrote. I just came off of several partially good but mostly numb days, just this morning at my bible study group, I was asked if I needed prayer and I couldn't even think of a prayer request and now tonight I'm down and blue again, it's so weird how it comes in waves. Trying to figure out the cycle and learn how to allow myself to feel my feelings without judgement.

DeniFay said...

Thinking of you & praying for you sweet friend!!

Dana said...

You are not alone. For me, the numb days (and there are so many of them) were the worst ones. The ones where I was weepy or raging were better because I could at least feel something.

Praying for you, Jennifer.

Jill said...

I feel you and can so relate. Love what Danielle and Birni made for Bryston and Peanut. xo

Tina said...

Jennifer....

Sorry you are so down....

Thinking of you!

Hugs

Julie said...

how beautiful...bryston and peanut. just lovely.

After i lost angel I had so much numbness, Crying would have felt a lot better than numbness. Don't know if you have that same feeling when it comes to numbness. Since I could relate so intensely to it, I thought i would share...

I think of you often, even though I am taking an unannounced bloggy break. so much stress in my life,,,makes me weary,,,


wifemomnurse-julie

Jess said...

I no, it's so hard all the different emotions that come and go!! I've had a lot of numb days through the last several months, and I think it's just another of our defense mechanisms to get us through the heartache. We can't be crying and feeling our lowest all the time, but even when you are numb it certainly doesn't mean you are over it. It's just a normal part of the grieving process. I remember how weird it felt the first time I felt truly happy, but yet that is what our little ones would want for us. Thinking of you!
I've been really behind with blogs this week so it's taken me forever, but I wanted to say Thank you so much for Eliana's Valentine heart, it was so sweet and really made my day when I saw it!!

Once A Mother said...

i think those days of "numb" are our bodies way of catching up to all our emotions have put them through. grieving is hard, hard work. i love the gifts. beautiful. that sparrow and peanut drawing is too precious for words.

Holly said...

I love the little 'gifts' you received. Did Danielle draw that? That's awesome!

Nan & Mike said...

Grieving is exhausting, huh. Sometimes you need the lull in order to stay sane...I am thinking of you sweet girl and praying for you everyday. Love, Nan xoxo
(PS..Hope you got my email - wanted to thank you for thinking of my babies on Valentines - you are soooo sweet!) Hugs xoxoxox

heathermohr said...

I have felt this so often, in fact I think I must be numb now because it's been a long time since I've had a good cry. I guess it's all part of the vicious cycle....