Hmm..Well that's strange! Or is it?

Look at this picture my sister took today, do you see anything strange in the photo?



She was outside her new home taking pictures of the view and this is what she got. To us, it looks like a sun ray or light abnormality in the shape of a little bird! How neat is that! Bryston was sending his auntie some love!

In the grip of HIS grace...

The other day my Mom dropped off a book for me to read. It's called The Perfect Life by Robin Lee Hatcher. While I like the book and enjoyed the message, what stuck with me most is how she signed off at the end of the book. She signed off with; in the grip of His grace. I love that! What a perfect description! I feel like the past 18 months I've been exactly there, in the loving grip of his grace. What else but the grace of God could have been so tender with me during this time when I was at my weakest in faith? Months without praying and an anger at Him that knew no limits. His grace is truly the only thing. I think I'll be stealing this and I've decided that this is how I will sign off from my posts from now on. It's a good reminder to me of how he carried me the last year and a half.

Also the other day, my Mom was telling me that while she was talking to my sister about New Years resolutions my sister brought up an interesting point. She heard a pastor talk about making them and he said that he and his family don't make them. Instead they pick one word for the year that they'd like to live by. The first word that popped into my head was Hope. How strange that after everything, I still have hope. Again, a testament to God's grace. So what do you think? Did you make a resolution? If not, what word would you chose?

So Monday, marked 18 months for Bryston. I can't believe it's been a year and a half already. Unbelievable. I miss him more than ever. It's weird to think that I would have toddler crawling around the house by now. Sometimes I can picture it and others, well, my mind just wont go there. It's blank and I can't envision what my life would have been like. But others, I can see the little boy that he would have been; mischievous and adorable with a personality like his daddy. My mind fills in the blanks of what I don't know but think would have been. I have no idea what color his eyes were, but in my day dreams they're chocolate brown like his daddy's.

****SIGH*****

"All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.”
~Havelock Ellis. I relate to this quote so much. I understand what this means, more than any 28 year old should. My life today is filled with days of trying to hold on so hard that it physically hurts. While others; I'm filled with a gentle peace of knowing that one day we'll be together again. That God knows my heart and my deepest hurts and that he's right here beside me, holding me up and moving me forward.

Well, that's it for today. I have a massive pile of homework and I've got to get to work. I hope you all have a great weekend and that life is treating you kindly. (((HUGS)))


In The Grip OF HIS Grace;

One of those nights...

Well, I had one of those nights again last night. The kind of night where I cant stop reliving the memories of the first 2 months after Bryston was born. I'd close my eyes and it was like I was right back there. Stuck in the middle of the whole thing and nowhere to turn. I tried distracting myself but I'm sure you all know how well that works. Whenever you try to make yourself stop thinking about something, it is the ONLY thing you can think about.

I tossed and turned and relived the memories like it was yesterday. And the whole time I'm lying there I'm scolding myself because tomorrow is the first day of class. Eventually my pillow got soggy from the tears and I flipped it over hoping to get comfortable enough but it was lumpy and just as uncomfortable as the wetness of my tears. And wondered if it will always be like this, will I never reach complete peace? Will I ever again fall asleep the minute my head hits the pillow like I use to?

And then I remembered a relaxation technique I'd heard about recently and decided to try it. You're supposed to visualize a tree in the fall. A lone tree in a pasture. And watch as a single leaf falls from the tree swaying back and forth slowly. Let me tell you, that's the last thing I remember! It worked and it worked well, LOL!

Today, while the sun is shining and I'm my senses aren't dulled by the sleeping pill that I took I know that I cant rationalize these memories or feelings and that they ARE going to come whenever they want. I cant control how my mind is trying to deal with all of this, even 17 months later. But what I can do is accept that they are going to come, sometimes at inconvenient times, and what I need to do is work through them as they come. But when they get to that point of being stubborn & are interfering with my day/night I CAN choose to distract myself. The tree thing worked well for me but if that doesn't work for you I did hear of one other that might be just as relaxing for you; Picture a dark room. Ten candles are lit and lined up. Now visualize yourself blowing them out, physically breath in & out deeply as your doing this. By the time you've reached candle ten, you should be relaxed. I hope these help you as much as they helped me last night! ;p



Nothing is permanent in this wicked world - not even our troubles.
--Charlie Chaplin

Letting Go and Letting God....

I'm not sure when it happened, but I'm not angry anymore. I don't feel that dark weight on my shoulders anymore and it's a good feeling. I remember trying to fool myself into thinking that I wasn't really as angry as I was. I would go months without praying and I'm ashamed to admit was even at times angry when I would see other people's lives working out for the better.

I don't know if it's a combination of time and just being preoccupied with school but I genuinely feel better than I have the last 17 months. It's a good feeling knowing that when I pray (which is back to a regular schedule) it doesn't feel forced or out of obligation anymore. I just feel as if I've finally learned that lesson of letting go and letting God. There's not a thing that I can do change what happened but what I can change is what I do in the aftermath.

I hope that this blog can be a place where you can come and be yourself through your grief and not feel ashamed of the feelings that you're going through. I hope that this site can help in some small way. For me, if I didn't have this community to fall back on while I wade through the murky waters of bereavement I don't think I'd be here. And I mean that literally. I believe with all my heart that I would be sitting in a mental ward somewhere without the love and support I've found here. Life is hard & messy sometimes and what gets you through is God's grace but other times it's a kind word from a stranger or someone who just gets it.

Right now, today I feel a bit of acceptance. Not acceptance that my babies died, I don't think any Mother can ever fully accept that. But acceptance of the fact that I can't control what happened and that just simply; it did happen. Does that make sense? I don't know how else to articulate where I'm at now other than that. I had to let go of any sense of control I had and just trust God to do his thing. How I did that, I'm not sure but I do know that because I did I feel lighter and a bit freer. My hope is that you've found this bit of peace in letting go and letting God as well. If you havent, you'll get there all in His timing.


"Letting go doesn't mean we don't care. Letting go doesn't mean we shut down.
Letting go means we stop trying to force outcomes and make people behave.
It means we give up resistance to the way things are, for the moment.
It means we stop trying to do the impossible--controlling that which
we cannot--and instead, focus on what is possible--which usually means
taking care of ourselves. And we do this in gentleness, kindness,
and love, as much as possible." ~Melody Beattie


“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. When I let go of what I have, I receive what I need. ~Lao Tzu

“We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us.” ~Joseph Campbell

Are you having a bad day?

If you're having a bad day, then you came to the right place. The doctor is in, I prescribe you to; Watch these 2 videos and laugh your blues away!

(Be sure to pause my music player before you play these)



(I have to wonder if bed time prayers are this cute every night? LOL!)

Out of the mouth of babes and infants, you have established strength because of your foes, to still the enemy and the avenger. ~Psalms 8:2

But Jesus said, “Let the children alone, and do not hinder them from coming to Me; for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” ~Matthew 10:14

I forgot to tell you guys that we got some awesome news about a week ago! Ty got a call from a woman he use to work with right before we found out that we were pregnant with Bryston & he got laid off. She recommended him for a job and he got it! He will be working at that same company (through a different company) as a quality inspector. We are so beyond stoaked about this! Finally some good news! He starts next week so please pray that this job works out! We really need this! Especially as the time gets closer for me to enter core nursing classes. I spoke to a girl yesterday who is taking the classes now and she said it's really hectic and that I might need to back off some hours at work when the time comes so this job could be our saving grace!

God's provisions are truly enough & amazing! I've been praying for exactly this to happen & looky here! My family and I fasted through the days after his interview & it really paid off. I hate fasting, I do, I've never been one good with will power but I firmly believe that this is exactly why it work, because it hurts & it's no fun! If you have never fasted I highly recommend it! I have seen some truly awesome things come to be after fasting. Try it, just once and see for yourself. You will not be disappointed!

Psalms 35:13 But as for me, when they were sick, my clothing was sackcloth: I humbled my soul with fasting; and my prayer returned into mine own bosom.

Matthew 6:18 That thou appear not unto men to fast, but unto thy Father which is in secret: and thy Father, which seeth in secret, shall reward thee openly.

I just wanted to wish each of you a very blessed & Merry Christmas! I know this time of year can be hard for all of BLM's, so I will be praying for each of you! This year the holiday's are a little bit easier for me to handle. I guess I'm just at that point of being able to celebrate that Bryston & Peanut have the best Christmas present of all; they get to celebrate the birth of Jesus in His presence! I can only imagine what an amazing site that would be. I know that they are safe and loved and I WILL see them again one day. While I'm still sad that they aren't able to be here with me, in fact I would give anything if that were so, but I'm far enough past the initial shock and hurt of it all to be able to be happy for them. May peace fill your hearts & minds today and tomorrow as we celebrate the birth of our Savior!

It's almost Jesus' birthday...
So let us not forget.
To give to Him the present,
That He would like the best.
He doesn't want a stocking...
Hung upon the tree.
Or lots of toys or presents,
Like selfish you and me.

He only wants our love for Him,
To shine out to the earth.
He wants us to tell others,
About His miracle birth.
He wants us to bring all we know,
To church to worship Him.
He wants us to remember...
He died for all our sins.

Please focus on His birthday...
The sacrifice God made.
To send His Son to live and die,
So we could all be saved.
This tiny baby Jesus...
Born in a lowly stall.
He came to bring salvation...
To save us one and all.

This Christmas has more meaning...
I'm calm and have such peace.
So let us bow before Him,
And worship at His feet.
The church bells now are ringing,
For you and I to bring...
Our gifts of praise and worship...
To our Savior and our King.


Merry Christmas Everyone & Happy Birthday Jesus!!!