The Blue Sparrow

I would die for that

2011-04-28T23:33:00.005-05:00

A dear friend of mine sent this to me, and it brought tears to my eyes. I thought you all might like it too. (((HUGS)))

In the Grip of His Grace,

Would you or Wouldn't you??

2011-04-25T21:25:00.010-05:00

I logged onto my online Sociology class today and checked our threaded discussion. The question we had to respond to this week is about human cloning and if we support it, why or why or why not.

I originally answered no, I don't support human cloning on the basis of ethical issues. I said that for one it's man playing God. Second, what about human rights? I said that human clones would run the risk of being forced to donate organs to their original human gene donor. Third, I said that it's dangerous. Most of the clones die and it can be dangerous for the mother as well. Last, can you imagine the psychological trauma of seeing a loved one who'd passed on walk down the street?

At least that's how I answered this morning. I've been sitting here mulling this over in my mind all day. What if I could clone Bryston? I know logically that it wouldn't be him. That this clone would be a separate living being, but.....can you imagine it? I would get to see him grow up. I would get to hold him and do all the things with him that I'll never get the chance to. Do I really care that it's playing God if I had the chance to hold him again...??? No, I don't think I do. That's awful, I know, but it's the truth.

It's torturous to think about this! I swear! There is absolutely nothing I wouldn't do to have him back. But, it's not him. I know it wouldn't be, so why am I so fixated on this idea? It's so unfair! Who would have thought that a hot topic issue like cloning would affect me like this? It's so strange all of the things that can trigger my grief. I don't know if having a cloned version of Bryston would hurt or help me but the idea of it sure sounds wonderful from where I'm sitting. If it came down to it, I probably wouldn't, but even having to make that decision would rip me to shreds. I think the best thing would be to just ban it before it's even possible, avoid the whole thing before there's even an issue to torture yourself over.

I just keep telling myself to just forget the idea. It's not even possible right now so why are you even wasting your time thinking about it? Ugh, I don't know. I guess I just can't see past myself rocking Bryston to sleep and thinking about how nice that would be....

Ugh....so what do you think. If you had the chance, would you do it? Do you think it would hurt you more or help you? So what do you say...to clone or not to clone?

In the Grip of His Grace,

Sigh's...And more Sigh's

2011-04-10T23:00:00.008-05:00

I absolutely love facebook, I do. But sometimes it makes me just want to scream, it's not fair! I think every one and their brother has posted pictures of their babies and kids today. Sigh....

Logging in some days it feels like facebook is just rubbing it in my face. I should be posting pictures and reading all the Aww, how cute, and what a doll comments. The universe really sucks sometimes! I hate how I feel when I see a precious baby. Instead of thinking what a cutie they are I instead am reminded of what I'm missing. My family minus two. Big Sigh........

I wish....well you all know what I wish. I guess it's just one of those nights. It's been awhile so I guess I'm due but I swear I'll never get use to how unpredictable grief is. It still sneaks up on me out of the blue and it still has the power to knock me on my butt.

I tell God over and over, "Okay, I'm giving this to you, it's too big for me to handle," and yet I still can't seem to really hand it over. What is my problem? It's not like I want to be up all night crying and reliving it all so why can't I just let Him do what he does best, comfort? EXTREME SIGH.........

I just need to lean on this verse tonight:
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” ~Matthew 11:28

In the Grip of His Grace,

Lil bit of this & Lil bit of that :D

2011-03-28T23:18:00.009-05:00

I'm still here! I just haven't had much time lately to blog and I feel kinda guilty about that but I have still been reading your blogs as much as I can. I do think that school has been a good distraction for me. I feel like I've made so much more progress healing since I enrolled. I feel a sense of purpose and that really helps me. I feel like I might actually make some good come out of loosing my angels.

While the hurt is never far away, I can now make it through several tasks in a row without being wrapped up in Bryston & Peanut thoughts. That makes me a little sad too, in a way. I suppose because it really has been so long since I've had them with me. It seems like forever ago some days and other's it's as fresh as if it'd happened yesterday. Whatever it is; I'm making progress and that's what counts. I feel a little more like the old me now than I have in the past 20 months. I know that I'll never quite be the same again, but it is nice to have a bit of that carefree laugh creep back into my day to day life. My arms still ache from time to time and that clinching of my heart still happens when I hear another pregnancy announcement but it is getting a little easier.

My Grandmother passed away last Tuesday. She had been in the hospital for over 2 months and we all knew it was coming but still, my last grandparent is gone. She's in a better place and will be very very missed, especially when I'm needing to hear Psalms 91 or I'm in need of a good hot pan holder HAHA! My grandmother made tons and tons of hot pan holders, I have a kitchen drawer stuffed to the brim with them! I stuck one under the flower arrangement that my sisters and I sent to the funeral home for a personal touch ;D I think she would have gotten a kick out of that. I like to think that she is up there rocking my babies. That gives me such a sense of peace imagining her that way.

I had better get to bed, it's getting late. Goodnight!

In the Grip of His Grace,

It must be love

2011-03-11T11:39:00.016-06:00

Lately I've been questioning if Bryston knows or can feel just how much I love him. My heart tells me that he knows, and my head well that's full of conflicting thoughts.

But yesterday leaves no doubts for me. I know he CAN! Yesterday was packed full of sparrow visits! When I went to the bank the drive through was covered with sparrows. The were everywhere! Even the people I was with pointed them out. Then I went to the movie, Gnomeo & Juliet, and I got another visit. I know most people would see these as coincidences and might say that I'm reading into them. But I'm not. I've had 19 months of being followed by sparrows. It IS NOT my imagination!

The best visit was the last one I got yesterday. As I was leaving work I was flipping through the radio channels. And this is what I heard;

It must be love, it must be love.
I fall like a sparrow and fly like a dove.
You must be the dream I been dreaming of,
Oh what a feeling, it must be love

Something is wrong or right,
I think of you all night.
Can't sleep 'til morning light,
It must be love

Seeing you in my dreams,
Holding you close to me.
Oh, what else can it be?
It must be love.

I was stunned. I know that this was meant for me. That Bryston is saying, "Of coarse I know Mom!" I will cherish this visit more than any other I've gotten! No one was with me, it was just too obvious to be a coincidence. I've been questioning this for several weeks and here pops up my answer. Plain as day. It couldn't have been more clear if a giant billboard painted Your little sparrow loves you too had fallen over on my car. Today, I feel peace. I feel loved and most of all I feel blessed!!!

By the way, I saw this little saying on a bumper sticker, and I chuckled; Body piercings saved my life & then it had a picture of Jesus's peirced hands. That'll get your attention, LOL! I thought it was cute...

I have held many things in my hands, and I have lost them all;
but whatever I have placed in God's hands, that I still possess.
~Martin Luther

In The Grip Of His Grace,

Damn It Eve!

2011-02-17T23:57:00.009-06:00

Life just sucks sometimes, ya know? (Don't worry, everything with me is fine) I'm just so tired of seeing so many hurt & broken people everyday. Why does life have to be so hard? Do you ever just curse Eve in the back of your mind when life goes to the pot just because you know none of this would be happening if she hadn't taken that stupid apple? LOL! I'm joking, well kind of... :)

Stub your toe, Damn it Eve! Lose you job, Damn it Eve! ;p

Then life gets really hard & complicated and yes, I suppose technically she is to blame. But when things get really bad & you're left to just watch helplessly as people struggle through life, it's not so easy to blame her anymore. We live in a fallen world. That's it, bottom line. Things are always going to be screwed up here. Humans will always have trouble and will always have struggles until the next perfect life.

****SIGH******

I just wish it wasn't so hard. And back to my original point.....DAMN IT EVE!!! ;P

Valentines & Updates

2011-02-14T13:07:00.015-06:00

I'm sorry it's been so long since I've posted or commented on your blogs! Things with school, work and just life in general have been super crazy! I feel so out of the loop, LOL!

Let's see....About a week ago a friend of mine had her first grandchild so I went to the hospital with her to see the little cutie pie. As I walked into the room I went directly into the restroom to wash my hands before holding him. The minute I entered the bathroom I realized, this is the exact room they put me in the night we found out Bryston was gone. I didn't say anything. I wasn't even sure what to feel. I guess I'm still surprised that there are still "first" to go through after 18 months. I didn't really let myself think about it until I left to go home. It just brought back all those awful memories of that night. But surprisingly, I handled it alot better than I have in the past with other "firsts."

My husband has taken up photography, and this is what he made for her grandchild. I think it turned out really well. He's already got a couple of other requests coming in because of this one. (Can you tell, I'm not proud or anything LOL! ;p)

This past week has been kind of tough too. My Grandma is in the hospital and not doing very well. Her prognoses isn't good at all. We're at the point of just praying for her to pass easily & quickly. And to make matters worse, they've just put my Uncle in hospice care. Ugh...not a great week at all! When it rains it pours or so they say.

Today is Valentines Day so Happy Valentines!!! Ty and I arent real big on celebrating small holiday's like this one or even really anniversaries so for us, today is just another day. But I do know that a lot of people out there love this holiday so for you, I wish you a very special day & hope you get everything you need & deserve. Lots of Love to you all!!!

In the Grip of His Grace,

Hmm..Well that's strange! Or is it?

2011-02-01T17:05:00.005-06:00

Look at this picture my sister took today, do you see anything strange in the photo?

She was outside her new home taking pictures of the view and this is what she got. To us, it looks like a sun ray or light abnormality in the shape of a little bird! How neat is that! Bryston was sending his auntie some love!

In the grip of HIS grace...

2011-01-27T11:41:00.013-06:00

The other day my Mom dropped off a book for me to read. It's called The Perfect Life by Robin Lee Hatcher. While I like the book and enjoyed the message, what stuck with me most is how she signed off at the end of the book. She signed off with; in the grip of His grace. I love that! What a perfect description! I feel like the past 18 months I've been exactly there, in the loving grip of his grace. What else but the grace of God could have been so tender with me during this time when I was at my weakest in faith? Months without praying and an anger at Him that knew no limits. His grace is truly the only thing. I think I'll be stealing this and I've decided that this is how I will sign off from my posts from now on. It's a good reminder to me of how he carried me the last year and a half.

Also the other day, my Mom was telling me that while she was talking to my sister about New Years resolutions my sister brought up an interesting point. She heard a pastor talk about making them and he said that he and his family don't make them. Instead they pick one word for the year that they'd like to live by. The first word that popped into my head was Hope. How strange that after everything, I still have hope. Again, a testament to God's grace. So what do you think? Did you make a resolution? If not, what word would you chose?

So Monday, marked 18 months for Bryston. I can't believe it's been a year and a half already. Unbelievable. I miss him more than ever. It's weird to think that I would have toddler crawling around the house by now. Sometimes I can picture it and others, well, my mind just wont go there. It's blank and I can't envision what my life would have been like. But others, I can see the little boy that he would have been; mischievous and adorable with a personality like his daddy. My mind fills in the blanks of what I don't know but think would have been. I have no idea what color his eyes were, but in my day dreams they're chocolate brown like his daddy's.

****SIGH*****

"All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.”
~Havelock Ellis. I relate to this quote so much. I understand what this means, more than any 28 year old should. My life today is filled with days of trying to hold on so hard that it physically hurts. While others; I'm filled with a gentle peace of knowing that one day we'll be together again. That God knows my heart and my deepest hurts and that he's right here beside me, holding me up and moving me forward.

Well, that's it for today. I have a massive pile of homework and I've got to get to work. I hope you all have a great weekend and that life is treating you kindly. (((HUGS)))

In The Grip OF HIS Grace;

One of those nights...

2011-01-12T11:16:00.018-06:00

Well, I had one of those nights again last night. The kind of night where I cant stop reliving the memories of the first 2 months after Bryston was born. I'd close my eyes and it was like I was right back there. Stuck in the middle of the whole thing and nowhere to turn. I tried distracting myself but I'm sure you all know how well that works. Whenever you try to make yourself stop thinking about something, it is the ONLY thing you can think about.

I tossed and turned and relived the memories like it was yesterday. And the whole time I'm lying there I'm scolding myself because tomorrow is the first day of class. Eventually my pillow got soggy from the tears and I flipped it over hoping to get comfortable enough but it was lumpy and just as uncomfortable as the wetness of my tears. And wondered if it will always be like this, will I never reach complete peace? Will I ever again fall asleep the minute my head hits the pillow like I use to?

And then I remembered a relaxation technique I'd heard about recently and decided to try it. You're supposed to visualize a tree in the fall. A lone tree in a pasture. And watch as a single leaf falls from the tree swaying back and forth slowly. Let me tell you, that's the last thing I remember! It worked and it worked well, LOL!

Today, while the sun is shining and I'm my senses aren't dulled by the sleeping pill that I took I know that I cant rationalize these memories or feelings and that they ARE going to come whenever they want. I cant control how my mind is trying to deal with all of this, even 17 months later. But what I can do is accept that they are going to come, sometimes at inconvenient times, and what I need to do is work through them as they come. But when they get to that point of being stubborn & are interfering with my day/night I CAN choose to distract myself. The tree thing worked well for me but if that doesn't work for you I did hear of one other that might be just as relaxing for you; Picture a dark room. Ten candles are lit and lined up. Now visualize yourself blowing them out, physically breath in & out deeply as your doing this. By the time you've reached candle ten, you should be relaxed. I hope these help you as much as they helped me last night! ;p

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world - not even our troubles.
--Charlie Chaplin

Letting Go and Letting God....

2011-01-03T14:11:00.018-06:00

I'm not sure when it happened, but I'm not angry anymore. I don't feel that dark weight on my shoulders anymore and it's a good feeling. I remember trying to fool myself into thinking that I wasn't really as angry as I was. I would go months without praying and I'm ashamed to admit was even at times angry when I would see other people's lives working out for the better.

I don't know if it's a combination of time and just being preoccupied with school but I genuinely feel better than I have the last 17 months. It's a good feeling knowing that when I pray (which is back to a regular schedule) it doesn't feel forced or out of obligation anymore. I just feel as if I've finally learned that lesson of letting go and letting God. There's not a thing that I can do change what happened but what I can change is what I do in the aftermath.

I hope that this blog can be a place where you can come and be yourself through your grief and not feel ashamed of the feelings that you're going through. I hope that this site can help in some small way. For me, if I didn't have this community to fall back on while I wade through the murky waters of bereavement I don't think I'd be here. And I mean that literally. I believe with all my heart that I would be sitting in a mental ward somewhere without the love and support I've found here. Life is hard & messy sometimes and what gets you through is God's grace but other times it's a kind word from a stranger or someone who just gets it.

Right now, today I feel a bit of acceptance. Not acceptance that my babies died, I don't think any Mother can ever fully accept that. But acceptance of the fact that I can't control what happened and that just simply; it did happen. Does that make sense? I don't know how else to articulate where I'm at now other than that. I had to let go of any sense of control I had and just trust God to do his thing. How I did that, I'm not sure but I do know that because I did I feel lighter and a bit freer. My hope is that you've found this bit of peace in letting go and letting God as well. If you havent, you'll get there all in His timing.

"Letting go doesn't mean we don't care. Letting go doesn't mean we shut down.
Letting go means we stop trying to force outcomes and make people behave.
It means we give up resistance to the way things are, for the moment.
It means we stop trying to do the impossible--controlling that which
we cannot--and instead, focus on what is possible--which usually means
taking care of ourselves. And we do this in gentleness, kindness,
and love, as much as possible." ~Melody Beattie

“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. When I let go of what I have, I receive what I need. ~Lao Tzu

“We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us.” ~Joseph Campbell

Are you having a bad day?

2010-12-29T11:41:00.031-06:00

If you're having a bad day, then you came to the right place. The doctor is in, I prescribe you to; Watch these 2 videos and laugh your blues away!

(Be sure to pause my music player before you play these)

(I have to wonder if bed time prayers are this cute every night? LOL!)

Out of the mouth of babes and infants, you have established strength because of your foes, to still the enemy and the avenger. ~Psalms 8:2

But Jesus said, “Let the children alone, and do not hinder them from coming to Me; for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” ~Matthew 10:14

2010-12-28T12:09:00.007-06:00

I forgot to tell you guys that we got some awesome news about a week ago! Ty got a call from a woman he use to work with right before we found out that we were pregnant with Bryston & he got laid off. She recommended him for a job and he got it! He will be working at that same company (through a different company) as a quality inspector. We are so beyond stoaked about this! Finally some good news! He starts next week so please pray that this job works out! We really need this! Especially as the time gets closer for me to enter core nursing classes. I spoke to a girl yesterday who is taking the classes now and she said it's really hectic and that I might need to back off some hours at work when the time comes so this job could be our saving grace!

God's provisions are truly enough & amazing! I've been praying for exactly this to happen & looky here! My family and I fasted through the days after his interview & it really paid off. I hate fasting, I do, I've never been one good with will power but I firmly believe that this is exactly why it work, because it hurts & it's no fun! If you have never fasted I highly recommend it! I have seen some truly awesome things come to be after fasting. Try it, just once and see for yourself. You will not be disappointed!

Psalms 35:13 But as for me, when they were sick, my clothing was sackcloth: I humbled my soul with fasting; and my prayer returned into mine own bosom.

Matthew 6:18 That thou appear not unto men to fast, but unto thy Father which is in secret: and thy Father, which seeth in secret, shall reward thee openly.

2010-12-24T14:58:00.004-06:00

I just wanted to wish each of you a very blessed & Merry Christmas! I know this time of year can be hard for all of BLM's, so I will be praying for each of you! This year the holiday's are a little bit easier for me to handle. I guess I'm just at that point of being able to celebrate that Bryston & Peanut have the best Christmas present of all; they get to celebrate the birth of Jesus in His presence! I can only imagine what an amazing site that would be. I know that they are safe and loved and I WILL see them again one day. While I'm still sad that they aren't able to be here with me, in fact I would give anything if that were so, but I'm far enough past the initial shock and hurt of it all to be able to be happy for them. May peace fill your hearts & minds today and tomorrow as we celebrate the birth of our Savior!

It's almost Jesus' birthday...
So let us not forget.
To give to Him the present,
That He would like the best.
He doesn't want a stocking...
Hung upon the tree.
Or lots of toys or presents,
Like selfish you and me.

He only wants our love for Him,
To shine out to the earth.
He wants us to tell others,
About His miracle birth.
He wants us to bring all we know,
To church to worship Him.
He wants us to remember...
He died for all our sins.

Please focus on His birthday...
The sacrifice God made.
To send His Son to live and die,
So we could all be saved.
This tiny baby Jesus...
Born in a lowly stall.
He came to bring salvation...
To save us one and all.

This Christmas has more meaning...
I'm calm and have such peace.
So let us bow before Him,
And worship at His feet.
The church bells now are ringing,
For you and I to bring...
Our gifts of praise and worship...
To our Savior and our King.

Merry Christmas Everyone & Happy Birthday Jesus!!!

A special delivery

2010-12-21T13:19:00.013-06:00

I just got this in the mail a few minutes ago. It's from my niece Rylee who is 3 years old. She is such a sweetie! My sister, Jess, told me that she found Rylee drawing at the kitchen table all by herself the other day. This is the conversation that followed;

Jess: Me: What'cha drawing there babe?

Rylee: I am not babe. I am Sugar Plum.

Jess: You're right. What'cha drawing there Sugar Plum?

Rylee: I am drawing balloons for baby Bryston.

Jess: That's nice, Rylee.

Rylee: We could hang my picture on the fridge and a bird will fly by and take it to her. Ty will like it.

Rylee: What are we going to get Bryston for Christmas Mama?

Jess: Remember, Bryston's is in heaven babe.

Rylee: Yea but we could send him some more balloons to heaven.

Jess: Bryston all ready has the best gift of us all Ry.

Rylee: Yea, cause he has Jesus...

My sister wrote; "(Jenn-Somewhere in the mail lies Rylee's picture. I didn't want to wait for a bird to deliver it to you, but I thought maybe you would want it. Somewhere in this picture is a bird, sun, balloons, angel and a movie. I am not sure what kind of movie but she insist it is in there. If you can find all of these things in her picture you are a better person then I! LOL. The kids talk about Baby BRD all the time.)"

A week or so before that Jess and her husband took the kids out to Red Robin for supper. The restaurant gives each of the kids a balloon after their meal. As they are waking out Jess's oldest, Jaydn walks outside and says, "Bryston needs another balloon," and lets his float up to Heaven for Bryston. And that's not even it, the last time they were home to visit Jaydn had gotten a bag of those animal shaped rubber bands that are so popular now. All on his own he dug out the bird shaped rubber band to give to me! When he handed it to me Jess says; "He's been saving that for you and was so excited to give it to you!" The kindness of her children melts my heart and I'll never be able to explain how good it feels that even though they never got to meet their cousin that they still include him in their lives. As I write this I have tears but not of sorrow, of joy. Joy that my sweet Angel has wonderful cousins who love and remember him!

*****************UPDATE****************************************
I forgot to mention my oldest sister Michelle! Sorry Shell! She and her 2 little one's brought me the prettiest 2 blue sparrow ordaments for Bryston's tree! They make such a pretty addition and the lights sparkle off thier little wings! Thank you Michelle, Jason, Kaylee, & Connor!

A Sparrow's Christmas

2010-12-21T12:02:00.005-06:00

I ran across this Christmas story today & wanted to share it. It's festive, sweet, and of coarse includes my favorite, Sparrows! Who would have thought, LOL?

Mette's Christmas Miracle, By Harrison Woodard

A long time ago there was a flock of sparrows. They lived near a small farming village in Norway.
Just before Christmas it started snowing. For two days the blizzard raged covering everything and making it impossible for the birds to leave their tree.
The flock began to worry.
“What are we going to do? If the snow continues, we will never find anything to eat,” said Markus.
“Maybe we should have flown south with the other birds,” said Lina.
“We have always survived the winter here. We will survive this one as well,” said Jonas one of the older sparrows.
Mette listened to the older birds. If Jonas was not worried, she wouldn’t worry either. She found a warm spot and fell asleep.

For two more days the snow continued. The flock became even more concerned.
“I don’t understand. The weather has never been this bad for so long. I don’t know if we will make it,” said Jonas.
Now that Jonas was starting to worry, even Mette was concerned. Before she went to bed she asked God for help.
“Dear God, I know you will provide all we need. Thank you for protecting us,” prayed Mette.

The next day the birds peered out at the raging storm. It was a dismal sight. The snow and the wind made it impossible to fly anywhere.
“Jonas, what will we do?” asked Markus.
“Will the storm ever end?” asked Lina.
“I think we are in trouble. Even if the storm ends, it may be weeks before we can find any food. The snow will be too deep. It will cover everything,” said Jonas.
All the birds were very sad. There didn’t seem to be any hope.

Mette listened to everything the other birds said. As the youngest of her flock, she rarely would say anything. But she knew she had to say something.
“Don’t you believe God will take care of us?” asked Mette. “He has always given us everything we needed. Why wouldn’t He keep His promise now?”
The other birds admired Mette’s faith, but they saw the snow and heard the howling wind and saw no way God could save them.
“Mette, God has many things He has to do. He can’t always save us. Sometimes it is up to us to save ourselves,” said Jonas.
The other birds agreed.
Mette lay down and thought about what Jonas said.
“God, that just doesn’t make any sense,” she prayed softly. “I know that you will supply everything we need. I am going to trust you and not the other sparrows.”

The next day was Christmas Eve. The weather outside was the worst it had ever been. The snow was coming down so hard that you couldn’t see more than a couple of feet. There was absolutely no way the flock could leave their tree.
The sparrows gathered together to discuss their options.
“I don’t think I can last another day,” said Markus. “I’m very hungry.”
“Me too,” added Lina.
“I just don’t know what to do,” said Jonas.
They had lost all hope.

Off in the village came the faint sound of Church bells. The sparrows listened to the music. It was very pretty and brought a brief moment of relief to their despair. After the bells stopped, the birds sat in silence.
And Mette said, “Did you hear the bells? This is Christmas Eve. The night God gave His Son. If He is willing to give His own son, He will certainly provide our food.”
The other sparrows wanted to believe, but all they could see was the raging blizzard. They saw no way that God could provide anything for them.
“Markus, don’t you believe?” asked Mette.
Markus thought for a second, “I believe I do.”
That night, Mette bowed her head and prayed, “God, thank you for giving Jesus to the world. I know that you love my flock and will provide everything we need.”
Mette found a warm spot in the tree and fell asleep.
It was another long and cold night.

The next morning, Markus was the first to wake up. He felt the warm sun on his feathers and took off on a short flight to stretch his wings.
The snow had stopped and it was a sunny Christmas morning. Markus flew over the village and was surprised by what he saw. He immediately flew back to the tree.
“Mette! Wake Up! It’s a miracle!” shouted Markus. “Everyone, come quickly,”
Soon the whole flock was following Markus toward the village.
During the night, the people had placed sheaves of oats on poles and rooftops throughout the village. There was plenty of food for everyone. Barn doors, gables, and gateways throughout the village were decorated with grain. There would be plenty of food for the whole flock all winter.

“Just like you said Mette, God will provide everything we need,” said Markus. “I will never again doubt God.”
That day the sparrows celebrated Christmas by feasting on all the food they had gathered. Never again would any of them ever doubt God’s ability to provide everything they needed.

And from that day forward, in villages throughout Scandinavia, people continue to place food out for the birds at Christmas. No human knows exactly why this custom started. But God knows. He was responding to the faith of a little sparrow named Mette.

I thought that was a cute Christmas story. And then I stumbled across this verse that I'd never seen before.

How lovely is your dwelling place, O LORD Almighty! My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the LORD; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God. Even the sparrow has found a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may have her young, a place near your altar, O LORD Almighty, my King and my God. Blessed are those who dwell in your house; they are ever praising you. Psalm 84:1-4

I'd say these we're my Sparrow visits for the day ;p

2010-12-18T00:12:00.004-06:00

So this is going to sound kind of insane but it's just one of those things. I have a message. For who I don't have a clue but I am compelled to share this. Whoever you are, whoever this is for you need to know;

It's never too late.

That's it, simple short and sweet. Do you ever just feel compelled to say something when you're not sure where in the heck it came from? Well that's exactly what this is. I hope this message is what you need exactly when you need it. God Bless you, whoever you are.

The Speech

2010-12-13T11:23:00.005-06:00

I didn't chicken out, I gave the speech! The night before and the day of I was a nervous wreck! My hands were shaking and I was kicking myself for not picking an easier topic!

But I felt all your prayers and I did make it through! Not without tears, but I wasn't the only one who cried. A few audience members cried as well which to me meant they "heard" really "heard" what I had to say. All in all, I think it was a success, even though I cried in public which I HATE to do, LOL! It felt kind of good actually to get up there and talk about Bryston and what Richard Olsen is doing with his organizations. At first I felt a bit naked and exposed but the more that I talked the more that I realized that it was a good thing. My 8 minutes of being uncomfortable might (I hope) make a difference someday.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for all of your prayers & support last Thursday! I'm sorry that it took me so long to update you all on how it went, it's finals week and I literally think I have steam coming out of my ears, haha! I cannot wait until this week is over!!

In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you. - 1 Thessalonians 5:18

Stillbirth Speech

2010-12-07T20:19:00.004-06:00

I recently told you all about a tribute speech that I have to give on Thursday. I was debating on whether or not to talk about stillbirth and I'm really worried that I wont be able to make it through without breaking down but I decided to go ahead & do it. They need to know. I wish I'd known. I wanted to let you all read what I'll be saying Thursday. I know it's long, it had to be. It has to be 8 minutes long, so I'm sorry for that, but if you decide to read it all the way through, let me know what you think. And please, please, please pray for me Thursday! My class starts at noon & I go fourth so I should probably be speaking between 12:20 and 1:30ish. I'm really going to need some backup to get through this w/o tears!

The man I chose to pay tribute to might make you a bit uncomfortable, and that’s okay, he stands 4 a pretty taboo subject. So taboo in fact, that I wasn’t sure that I could go through w/ talking to you about it. But what someone recently told me really struck a cord, she said, “you know, 15 years ago people didn’t talk about interracial couples but now; we don’t even blink an eye when the subject is broached.” And that is what I hope to accomplish today, and it’s what the man I will be talking to you about is actively working towards. Usually I try to get up here and make you laugh, but not today. There’s nothing funny about what I’m going to talk to you about.

The man is Richard K. Olsen. Richard is the founder and Executive Director of the National Stillbirth Society and the Missing Angels Foundation. Richard and his wife experienced stillbirth firsthand when their daughter Camille was born still full term in August of 2000. Stillbirth is defined as the death of baby in the mother’s womb after 20 weeks gestation. Olsen formed the 2 organizations when he was unable to find any advocacy groups that were working to force medical & government agencies to use their resources 2 eliminate stillbirth worldwide.

Richard say’s he formed the National Stillbirth Society to Educate, Agitate, and Legislate for greater stillbirth awareness, funding for research, and legislation to recognize these babies’ births by requiring states 2 issue a Birth Certificate. Only 23 states offer parents a birth certificate, only one of our surrounding states does this, Missouri. Most, including Iowa & Nebraska offer parents only a death certificate, even with the hours of labor these mother’s go through only to deliver a dead child. The National Stillbirth Society offers the public information, a means of support, research, and a forum on which parents can actively discuss their babies, as well as fund raising opportunities. The Missing Angel Foundation is the fund raising arm of the National Stillbirth Society and operates a memorial site for the babies.

Stillbirth can happen to anyone at any age. In fact all you have to do to be at risk, is get pregnant. Annually there are 26,000 stillbirths a year. For the majority of Americans the term stillbirth is a thing of the past. Most believe that if the pregnancy survives the 1st trimester that the danger has passed. But that’s just not true. The sad fact is, that stillbirth is still very common and the chances that you yourself one day be a victim of it or know someone dealing with the harsh reality, is pretty good. The topic of pregnancy loss, stillbirth and infant death isn’t something people talk about very often. It’s a sad topic, one that most people don’t know how to respond to. Olsen seeks to take the shame & secrecy out of stillbirth.

Did you know that stillbirth is ten times more likely than SIDS? For every 1 case of SIDS there are 10 cases of stillbirth. And yet, you don’t hear a lot about stillbirth. Raise your hands if you knew that any of the following people had experienced a stillbirth: The poet Alfred Tennyson, Christie Brinkley, Henry the 8th, Keanu Reeves, Oprah, Jacquie Kennedy Onassis, Barbra Bush, or Michael Jackson & Elvis Presley’s mothers? How about Jennifer Davison?

My son, Bryston, was born still July 24th, 2009. I was 7 months pregnant when we found out that our son’s heart had stopped beating. I labored for 56 hours to deliver our son only to walk out that hospital with empty arms and a broken heart. We got a death certificate instead of birth certificate. I didn’t get to plan a baby shower; I get to design his headstone.

Stillbirth is unpredictable and random. Richard says it’s like the lightning strikes in a thunderstorm. There is no way to know when or where it will strike next. And what’s most frustrating is that ½ to 2/3’s of all stillbirth cases happen because of unknown reasons. Autopsies if done, rarely uncover any cause.

When the public first became nationally aware of SIDS there was a public outcry for research. Because of that public outcry we now have more information than ever before on SIDS. Now we have the back 2 Sleep Campaign and a list of warnings of what not to do. To date, there is no such list for stillbirth. Most people don’t even know what it is. Olsen is working to change that. The death of a baby is isolating and lonely and confusing. People are uncomfortable bringing up your child’s name so they avoid the topic. They hear about the tragedy and then carefully tread around the family to avoid causing them pain. Through Richards organization’s families are able to openly talk about their children in a time when they desperately need to share.

Because of its randomness and in most cases, lack of any warning, Olsen calls stillbirth, “An Equal Opportunity Destroyer of Dreams.” It can happen in all economic classes, races, body types, religions, and any maternal age group. No woman is immune to stillbirth, even women who’ve had successful pregnancies before. Stillbirths can happen to a crack addict or a step ford wife. A woman can do everything right and recommended and still experience a stillbirth. There is virtually nothing a woman can do or not do for that matter to cause a stillbirth.

Olsen also advocates for legislation on insurance companies to pay for additional testing that might give Dr’s a hint that something might be wrong. My doctor didn’t offer any of those tests to me because my insurance wouldn’t cover it and the tests are very expensive. Had I had those tests, my son might have had a fighting chance. American Insurance companies dictate how a woman’s pregnancy is managed, not the doctors. And why would the insurance companies offer voluntarily to add those tests to the list of allowed treatments? A few years ago, women everywhere fought to have birth control covered by their insurance companies, and won; costing them millions. I ask you, what’s a human life worth to you? Is that enough of a reason why we should let them ignore our health and the health of your future children?

If it’s so common, then why the secrecy? It was surreal the amount of women who crawled out of the woodwork to tell me about their experiences with it. Sometimes I wonder if all of those things were happening all the time and I just didn’t notice before or if they only felt comfortable telling me after I joined the club that no one wants to be a part of. Women, especially in older generations were told to just move on as quickly as possible, to forget their baby and to try as soon as possible for another one. The problem with that, is that it’s just not that easy. We lost a child, not a fetus. These babies are a part of us, they were loved and wanted and are very missed. Our babies are not replaceable. My biggest fear is that Bryston will be forgotten, that he didn’t count to people when he’s the most important thing that ever happened in my life.

That’s why organizations like Richards are so important. They make our babies count and worth remembering. Think of your parents, brother, sister, and the few of you with kids, think about them for a minute. What would your life be like right now without them in it? What if they’d been born still? Would you be able to move on so easily without them? Would you ever be able to replace them? Wouldn’t you want someone like Richard to stand up and try his damndest to make sure that these things don’t ever happen again? How important would it be to you that your future child never has to bury their own? Because that’s exactly what we’re talking about here. Don’t let stillbirth be a dirty little secret. Join Richard and demand that something be done like with SIDS. Join Richard and I in the fight against stillbirth, at www.stillnomore.org. Thank you.

But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. "Do not fear what they fear ; do not be frightened."
Take Courage
1 Peter 3:14

Rise up; this matter is in your hands. We will support you, so take courage and do it."
Ezra 10:4

An Early Happy Thanksgiving

2010-11-23T11:22:00.004-06:00

I probably wont be on for the next few days so I wanted to wish all of you a very Happy Thanksgiving! This year I am thankful for the blessings of family. It really is true that there is no greater than gift than family. And of coarse I'm thankful for the few short weeks that I had my precious babies with me. They're never far from my thoughts as I'm sure your angels aren't either. Another thing I'm thankful for is God's grace because I'd be no where without it. How lucky are we that have such a loving and forgiving God!?!

I ran across this lil poem today & thought it was cute;

May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!

Amen to that! Haha! Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

The Upcoming Holidays

2010-11-21T22:20:00.009-06:00

It's hard to believe that we're entering a second holiday season without our little man. Last year I was still so in the thick of it, I could barely even think of celebrating. But this year, I'm determined to have a bit of joy with the season. Christmas has always been my favorite holiday but last year I couldn't even muster putting up our tree. I did manage to put up a small tree and decorate it with all of Bryston's things though.

This year, I'm actually looking forward to putting up our tree. It still hurts knowing that 2 very special little angels wont be with us to celebrate but I think I'm at the point of knowing that even though they're not here physically, they're never very far from us.

I'm nearing the end of my first semester at school and so far pulling down all A's! Woo Hoo! I really am shocked at that, but I know in my heart that all praise there goes to God. I couldn't be doing any of these things without His help. In fact I wanted to ask you guys something....

Our final speech is supposed to be a tribute speech and 8 minutes long. 8 MINUTES! So far our longest speech has only been 4 minutes so that in itself is wreaking my nerves! The teacher said it has to be about someone famous that we've never met and that has made an impact on our lives. The only person that I can even think of doing is Richard K. Olsen, Founder & CEO of the national stillbirth society. But here's my delima; so far I've only done 1 serious speech and I got so emotional I was almost in tears (about my Dad's wreck). All of my other speeches have been humorous not to mention the fact that the majority of the class is high school kids. I doubt they'd even care. But on the other hand, they need to care. They need to know about that this is a real thing that happens. I'm so stinking nervous about this one! I'm scared that I'll get up there and be a big ole blubbering mess! What do you think? Would you do it?

Also, for those of you also entering the 2nd holiday season without your angels with you, how do feel this year? Do you feel better able to enjoy the season or are you planning to do anything special in their honor?

2010-11-10T11:30:00.004-06:00

Last night I couldn't fall asleep. I kept thinking about Bryston and 1 ridiculous thought. I know it's irrational and wont make sense to most but once it passed through my head, it's all could think about. I thought about how cold Bryston was and I never put a hat on him. Not once. A good mother would have put a hat on him....So I spent the night crying because I sent him off cold wrapped in a thin blanket and no hat.

*SIGH*

There are so many things I wish I had done with him while I had him with me. I didn't cut a lock of hair, or bathe him, or dress him. I just held him. I have no idea what his belly button looked like. How awful is that? I only unwrapped him to take the pictures, not to look him over. Doing anything more never crossed my mind. I wish it had. They even gave us a stupid hat for him but it just never occurred to me to put it on him. I think I was just to out of to think straight.

I know it doesn't really matter, that it was just his shell, so I don't know why this bothered me so much last night. I know all of this logically but it still makes my heart heavy that I didn't do more with him. I should have spent more time with him while I had the chance. I guess hindsight's 20/20, I just wish it didn't hurt so much sometimes. Ugh....guess it's one of those days.......

It's the little things.....

2010-11-09T16:06:00.015-06:00

I just got home from class and checked my email and I had a new email from Katy & Kristie from Anchored by Hope. At the end of August they decided to start an Anchored By Hope Memorial Sketchbook project. Their book will travel to 5 major cities in the USA (where you can view it in person) before it finally ends up at that Brooklyn Art Library where it will be digitized, and put online for everyone to view. They invited all of us BLM's to join in the fun and fill out a form. The theme was, You would have been home by now.
Well Bryston's page is done and she emailed the page! It turned out soo beautifully and I am so excited for Bryston to be a part of this amazing project! Just think, people all over the USA will be reading about our Angel's short lives and maybe just maybe people will start to feel a little less threatened by the topic of baby loss.

(If this is too small to read you can click on it & enlarge what I wrote about the theme & Bryston)

Thank you soo much Katy & Kristie!

I do not cease to give thanks for you as I remember you in my prayers.
~Ephesians 1.16

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change
~James 1:17

EDD & hurt feelings

2010-11-03T18:45:00.001-05:00

This may be a long one so put on your slippers & grab a cup of coffee. I've been meaning to post about Bryston's expected due date which was Oct 12th but things have just been crazy around here. So on the 12th I had scheduled the meeting with the Cemetery to look at headstone options since I knew I'd be up there anyway visiting Bryston.

The meeting went well. We came up with 3 options. 2 in granite and 1 in bronze. The phrase, Remembering the brief lives of you children won out on the votes so I went with that. Each has a different design on it so now the next step is to schedule a meeting with Creighton and they can pick which is their favorite. I started off thinking I'd like the black granite the best but when I saw all the options I had her draw up the sketches with the rose colored granite. It was really pretty. The bronze option color will look like the picture below. I did opt for the angel & birds in both top corners. The rest of the designs I'll wait to share until we have a final option picked out.

After the meeting I went and spent a little time at Bryston's grave. I decorated & released balloons in honor of his EDD.

Someone asked recently if the babyland's are marked. Yes, they are. The signs look like this.

Babyland 1 has a really neat plaque that I wanted to share. I thought the saying was kinda sweet so here's the picture of that too.

Babyland has a plaque with the if tears could build a stairway saying on it but I forgot to get a picture of that while I was there.

The next thing I wanted to tell you about happened a week or so ago in my speech class. We had an assignment. The teacher gave us an worksheet with a story on it that had fill in the blank spots. We were supposed to read them aloud to the class. I had filled mine out about the mosque at ground zero (that's a whole nother post haha!) Anyways it went something like this;

Thank you all for inviting me here today. When I was asked to speak to you, I was told you were interested in hearing about......Blank.....and about....Blank. And I do want to talk to you about these things. But before I do, I want to take a few minutes to talk to you about something else....you get the picture.

I hate public speaking so I was putting it off waiting for my turn. Then a girl got up (a girl in high school, most of the class are high schoolers). She got to the first fill in the blank; I was told you were interested in hearing about...comedians and about...dead baby jokes. Insert the class laughter.

*SIGH* I thought I was going to lose it. I wanted to get up and slap this girl! What in the world would make her think this was funny much less an appropriate topic choice? It was not done maliciously, she has no idea about Bryston but still, it was like a punch in the gut for me. So I sat there trying to hold back the tears. I never did get up there and give mine. I couldn't. Not after that. I just let the teacher assume everyone had had their turn. While I'm sitting there listening to the rest of these assignments and feeling lower and lower a note gets passed to me by another high school girl, one of whom does know about Bryston. Here's the note she passed;

What a sweet gesture! The woman that sits beside me, I'll call her J, is in a few of my other classes. She's become a friend to me and after class I was letting off steam and telling her how it irked me that this girl was so insensitive. And she reminded me, she's young, she didn't mean to hurt me, teenagers say & do things all the time that mystify us so not to let this get me down. And she's right. This girl had no idea how hurtful that would be to me. And then you've got the other high school girl who knew just how much seeing Bryston's name means to me. Teenagers will never make sense, so why should I let this get to me? I think I'm just over sensitive about this topic and that's my problem, not hers. I'm letting it go. It hurt me yes, but there are things said & done everyday that sting so I better get use to it.....

Then this weekend I got a text from my friend A. (I told ya this would be a long one!) She let me know that she had left me something in my mailbox. When I got home from work I pulled out a letter and 2 bead & wire dragonfly's. AWWW! Here's what the letter said in a gist;
A few years ago a lady walked up to my friend as we were talking about life. She handed my friend a beaded dragonfly and said, "I'm not sure what you need right now but I noticed your situation, and I'm giving you a dragonfly to use as a symbol of hope." And she walked away...It went on to tell about how dragonflies spend 2 to 5 years in the mud before they crawl out a dragonfly ready to fly, and once they do they can never go back into the darkness of the mud. The story teller said that the story of the dragonfly spending 5 years in the mud let her look at her life differently that she had spent too many years in the darkness & mud herself. She said that after many years her wings were wet and heavy and not yet ready to fly but she realized that she wasn't breathing in God's word so she realized that she needed to reach out to God to rescue her out of the muddy pit. Even that over the next few years life brought many more muddy pits her way her response to them was different because like Isaiah said 40:30-31-"Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall, but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on the wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." (Ring a bell? I've posted about this very Scripture several times)

The letter asks you to keep one dragonfly and to pass on the other so someone in need of a little hope. How neat is that!?! I cant wait to pass on the other dragonfly! Thanks A!

Rabbit Hole

2010-10-25T16:03:00.009-05:00

Today I noticed a few other BLM's posting a link on FB about this upcoming movie. So I checked it out, and all I can say is WOW! I barely made it through watching the trailer clip but I cannot wait to see this. Finally a movie about what life after the loss of child is really like. How hard and unbearable the days are and how every aspect of your life changes right down to how you relate to others & spouses. My favorite part of this clip is when one of the mom's says, "God needed another angle, he had to take her." And Nicole Kidmans character says,"Why couldn't he have just made one? Another angel? I mean he's God after all! Why didn't he just make another angle, hunh?" I cannot even tell you how many times I've had people say this to me, and I felt very much the same way. No he didn't, he didn't need my baby. What he will do is take my loss my very real and painful loss and turn it into something good and for his glory. And then the shot of her crying in the car could have been taken directly out of my life and yours. The car especially seems to trigger meltdowns second only to the shower. I don't know what it is about those two places for us but I know I've heard alot of say the same exact things.

I know that this will be a very emotional and hard movie to sit through but how nice to actually have something like this showing what it's like. I cant wait to see this. What do you think? Will you be going to see it or will you skip it because it'll be too emotional? Me? I will be going, but then again, I'm a sucker for sad sappy movies.

How Great Is Our God!?!

2010-10-23T14:44:00.025-05:00

The other day my Mom & sister went to the hospital to visit a friend of theirs who's terminally sick w/ cancer. This woman's story is so inspirational to me. Here she is terminally sick, facing an early death & separation from her husband and toddler son and she's decided to donate her body to science so she can help others. She is such a strong woman of faith and you would not believe what happened to her this week, it's so God ordained! So she was given up for adoption when she was a baby and has been searching off and on for her birth Mother. Well guess what!?! She found her this week! I couldn't be happier for her! What joy He brings! I am just so touched by her story!

As my Mom is telling me about all of this, both of us choked up with tears, she reminds me of a You Tube video that she just cant seem to get off her mind since her visit. It's a video about how Great our God is and how he knows each of our stories intimately. The video is one that I've seen before but watching after hearing her story gives it new meaning. God really does meet us in our darkest hours. He knows all of our pain and His promises of a rich life after this painful earthly life and is evident right down to our anatomy. Watch this video, it'll amaze you I promise!
(Make sure to pause my music player at the bottem of page 1st)

After I watched this I remembered one of Bryston's ultrasound's and how my Doctor had pointed out his heart. He's a christian man who has also suffered the stillbirth of his firstborn son. I didn't know any of that at the time of this ultrasound but looking back, his words really comfort me. He showed me this picture of Bryston's heart,

I wont go into the details of what he said, just what he pointed out, that the human heart looks just like a cross on an ultrasound. Do you see it? If not check out this echo cardiogram of a heart, it's hard to miss.

How anyone can doubt God's sovereignty is beyond me. Especially with all of this. I know how hard life can be and how sometimes it seems as if we've been abandoned but I also know that in those hours I find myself reaching out more to Him. Maybe that's why in life we have trials. If we didn't, we would never find the need to fall to our knees and cry out to him!

Shall we indeed accept the good things from God and not accept adversity? Job 2:10

Foot in Mouth Disease

2010-10-18T23:50:00.010-05:00

Ugh...I suffered from foot in mouth disease yesterday and today and now I feel like a total jerk! I hate it when I do these things! I get so wrapped up in my own grief sometimes that I forget that the world does not stop producing other kinds of problems for people outside of the infant/pregnancy loss bubble. I find myself all the time watching a program, or reading a book or even in a conversation that has nothing to do with loss and somehow my mind will weave it so it'll fit into the topic of baby loss. I have got to stop being so centered on this, I don't want this to define me but it seems that's exactly what I've let happen....

Am I alone in this or does your world seem to revolve around your loss too? Gosh, I hope I'm not the only one, LOL! The past year has been such a tough one I guess it's changed who I am but I don't want it to change how I care for and listen to people which seems of late to be the case....SIGH......

I'll be working on this so if we happen to know each other in real life and you catch me doing this please, give me a swift kick in the pants okay? I think I'll probably need a reminder a time or two before I can completely kick the habit ;)

And as often is the case, God brought this verse to my attention today, hmmmm...yup feeling convicted, gotta say, not one of my favorite emotions.....

Luke 10:27
And he answered, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself.”

And then I saw this one;
2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

And now I feel better.....Im far from perfect but you know what? That's okay, I can admit when I falter and even look like fool sometimes. God understands and can handle my foolish days, and thank goodness for that too! Some days He must just roll his eyes and say, "That ole Jen is at it again, watch out!"

What should have been...

2010-10-16T23:17:00.010-05:00

I was thinking today about Bryston's nursery that never got finished. In fact I had just gotten his crib bedding in the mail a few days before we found out and all I had managed to do prior to this was clean out & empty our spare bedroom. I've never shared about what it would have been, could have been and now is....

My husband is a volunteer firefighter. He loves it and I had promised before we found out the baby's sex that if it was a boy we could do a fireman themed nursery. He was so excited about the idea, me not as much, but I did find an adorable set online that I knew would make us both happy. It was the Frankie Firetruck set that I settled on. Here's the stock photo of everything that I bought.

The walls in our spare bedroom were already this color and had played around with the idea of painting a powdered blue halfway up and dividing the tan & blue with a white chair rail. I thought that would be cute, but we never got around to it. I pictured a cozy cream colored glider recliner chair in the corner by the window and a lamp side table by that that I could sit and rock him to sleep in and gaze out the window. I imagined a pretty cream and blue area rug covering our wood floors to protect him if he fell while learning to walk. I pictured tasteful black & white prints on the wall of his ultrasounds and foot/hand prints and baby pictures. I thought we would have shelves of mementos of piggy banks or hand impressions. I imagined that we would use a bassinet the 1st few weeks he was home before we would ease him into his own room. I worried that the room had too much light or that it'd be too cold for his precious little body. But none of that mattered. None of those worries or fantasies ever came true. I was a day late and a dollar short as is the story of my life with pregnancies. I sent the crib set back a few weeks after he passed. I didnt think that I could bear to look at it anymore. It was so sadly hopeful that it was painful to look at it anymore. I wish I'd kept it though in retrospect. Even though he never used it, it was still his.

Now the room has amassed an innumerable amount of junk. It is now our store room for useless things that I have no room or use for anymore. It went from being an empty room full of potential to being a cluttered hopeless mess. I wonder what psychologists might say about that? How I let this treasured room of his fall by the wayside. I don't like going in there. Not only because it's hard emotionally but I feel so overwhelmed by the mess. LOL, this is sounding a bit horderish, but I must say that this is the only room in the house like this, if you don't count our basement that we have been redoing forever so it's a mess at the moment too but you get the idea. I don't know what else to say about this, just that I wish with all my heart that it could have been the nursery that I had envisioned & dreamed about back then. Some nights I dream about hearing him cry and walking down the hall to his room but when I open the door its just as it is now. When I wake up I feel so hopeless after those dreams...

But I know that I'm blessed, even though it's turned out this way. After all, I had an amazing 28 weeks with him. I smiled the other night while remembering him snuggling into his daddy's hand on my belly. Bryston had a favorite position to snuggle into, he was always nudging his little head or behind into the lower left side of my tummy which happened to be where Ty's hand was at the time. We laughed when Ty took his hand away Bryston pushed himself so hard against that spot, a bit uncomfortable for me, almost as if to search for his daddy's hand. When Ty put his hand back Bryston stopped, confirming our thoughts. This is one of my favorite memories. And it's a good sign, I think that I can think back on this and smile instead of it making me sad. So yes, I am pushing forward and making progress, all be it slowly but I'm inching my way forward.

It's getting late so I'll stop here. I hope all of you are having a great & blessed weekend! (((HUGS)))

Help?!

2010-10-09T14:12:00.006-05:00

Most of you know that I have been working on a headstone to donate to the Creighton University's infant burial plot. (This is where my son is buried) Okay, so if you haven't heard me talk about this before let me explain how the plot is. It's a place where several babies are buried together. The 'Creighton" babies are all in this one plot in a location of the cemetery dubbed Babyland 2. Babyland has several sections in the cemetery 1,2, and 3. In each of these sections are also individual plots. Some are privately owned or there a few plots owned by area hospitals. My son was born at Creighton University Hospital. I liked the idea that he wouldn't be alone, that he would be surrounded by other babies. (At the time I felt very good about this decision, but looking back, I wish I had gone a different route. I wish he was buried closer to our home with family, but that's a whole different post)

But this particular plot doesn't have a headstone or any kind of a marker. Now I've been visiting this site for over a year all at varying times of the day and I have never seen another family at this plot. I know that I cannot be the only parent out of 40 or more who likes to visit their baby. I assume that these parents aren't here visiting because they don't know where to go. Remember this post, it took us over an hour the 1st time we visited to find it even with the help of cemetery staff. Because of this I have been working towards getting a headstone placed on the site so that no parents ever go through the frustration like our first visit there. It was awful!

Now I cant seem to get the wording right. I feel like it's either not special enough or that it's not broad enough for all the families. I almost feel like they're to specific towards Bryston and leaving out the other precious babies. So please help me decide. Which do you like/dislike? I want this to be perfect but I have to remember that it's not just for me!

Creighton University Medical Center
Forever In Our Hearts
Donated in memory of Bryston Ray Davison

Creighton University Medical Center
So Small, So Sweet, So Soon
Donated in memory of Bryston Ray Davison

Creighton University Medical Center
An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth,
And whispered as she closed it...
"Too beautiful for earth"

Creighton University Medical Center
Gone But Not Forgotten
Donated in memory of Bryston Ray Davison

Creighton University Medical Center
Sleep my beautiful angel on your pillow in the sky,
angels are forever so we'll never say goodbye

Creighton University Medical Center
Honoring the brief lives of your precious children.
Donated in memory of Bryston Ray Davison

Creighton University Medical Center
Thy memory shall ever be a guiding star to Heaven
Donated in memory of Bryston Ray Davison

"With Hope"

2010-10-09T13:17:00.009-05:00

The other day my mom brought over a book that she thought I would really enjoy. I'm only half way through but already I love this book! It's called Choosing to See by Mary Beth Chapman. She's the wife of Steven Curtis Chapman. The main theme of the book as far as I can tell is God's grace. How Mary Beth's life never seemed to work out the way she'd planned, hmmm, this sounds so very familiar to me! The couple has
3 children of their own and another one in Heaven, and 3 adopted little girls from China. One of the little girls Maria is killed in a tragic accident. Her brother accidentally ran over her in their driveway.

Like I said, I'm only halfway through the book but I ran across this and I wanted to share it. It's beautiful and everything I would ever want to say but don't have the words for.

With Hope, song by Steven Curtis Chapman

This is not at all how
We thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
We had so many dreams
And now you've gone away
And left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say
And nothing we can do
Can take away the pain
The pain of losing you, but

We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no
And we can grieve with hope
Theres a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again

And never have I known
Anything so hard to understand
And never have I questioned more
The wisdom of God's plan
But through the cloud of tears
I see the Father smile and say well done
And I imagine you
Where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
'Cause now your home
And now you're free, and...

We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope

So much truth to these words, I'm going to have to look for this song so I can hear it myself. Have a great weekend everyone!

Ugh....

2010-10-04T21:42:00.008-05:00

2 more pregnancy announcements today, all w/in a half hour of each other. When will it stop feeling like a punch in the gut? Don't get me wrong, yes I'm am very happy for these women and don't begrudge them that fact but it still smarts when I hear the news. I want my happy news to share. Even though no, now isn't the best time with everything going on, but still I would happily accept the news with no hesitations. I WANT........It's just not fair.

I guess I should have stopped expecting life to fair a long time ago, but the optimist in me still gets really hurt when it's not. I know that God knows the plans that He has for me, it's just hard sometimes trusting that He knows best and that it's all in his timing, not mine. Ugh........

***SIGH***

I feel like the left out kid on the play ground. This sucks.....

(Okay, I feel a little better after I saw this and had a laugh, too cute!)

Been awhile

2010-09-26T13:42:00.032-05:00

It'd been awhile since I last had an emotional breakdown. In fact I couldn't tell you the last time I had one before this latest incident. In the beginning these we're as common as breathing but now I can go long stretches in between meltdowns before it hits me again. A few days ago, it hit. Out of no where as they usually do sneak up for a nasty stealth attack. I had been studying and had to use the restroom. As I walked in the restroom, I hadn't even turned on the light yet, I fell to my knees. And there I sat in the middle of our bathroom floor weeping so violently I thought I might get sick. I'm not even sure what brought it on. Grief is such a slippery little devil that sometimes it's just like that. But I do remember having one clear thought at the end of that crying spell. I thought to myself, "So after all this time, you're still here. You haven't made a damn bit of progress, have you?" And then as if I'd been hit by bulldozer, it occurred to me, yes I have! I am so beyond different and progressed emotionally now than ever before! I remembered how all I did initially was lie in bed all day, sleep and cry and if I had the strength to make it to the couch that was a good day back then. And just look at me now! I am so busy living my life that I'm lucky if I get 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep! If that isn't progress I don't know what is! I think now, that I'm lucky that this little breakdown didn't happen sooner and in a more public setting. I now think that I need to set a little time apart from my busy life just to feel. Even if it's just to feel the numbness or even dare I dream to say happiness? Lesson Learned!

Also, I wanted to take a minute and say a BIG CONGRATS to Holly on the safe arrival of her rainbow! I don't think I could ever find the right words to anyone outside of the BLM's club to convey that how special these events are! How hopeful and happy my heart feels when I see this!

Last night as I checked my email I had one from Tina, letting me know that I had won her Giveaway! Thank you Tina! I cant wait to pick something out! If you don't know Tina, I strongly suggest you check out her etsy store, Mama Mia Handstamped Jewelry, she has beautiful stuff! I'm so excited!

~Psalm 84:11-12~
For the LORD God is a sun and shield: the LORD will give grace and glory: no good thing will he withhold from them that walk uprightly.

Good news!

2010-09-18T00:25:00.005-05:00

Just a short post to let you all know that Creighton and the Cemetery where Bryston is buried have finally, and I do mean finally, given me the okay to go ahead with planning a headstone for all the babies! I am so excited! This has been such a long drawn out process and I'm so relieved that everyone finally sees my point of there needing to be one. I get to design it and then I will have a meeting with both the hospital and the Cemetery for final approval and all the paperwork details.

I want to make this stone really special! I am limited though on what we can do. I only have the choice of either a bench or a 24x12 flat stone. While I'd like to do the bench there are a few drawbacks to that. There is already a bench donated for a different hospital right next to the Creighton plot, like a stone over, also it's much more costly and last the bench would go behind the actual plot not really on the space so I don't like that idea very well. I'm pretty much set on doing the flat stone, so now all I need to do is start looking for designs and just the right words. Any suggestions on wording? Any special bible verses that have been especially helpful to you that would be nice on a stone for multiple grieving families?

Trying to Understand

2010-09-15T08:04:00.021-05:00

Please understand that this post isn't about judgement! I just don't understand, so please don't take this the wrong way.....

On Monday night, at class as I sat down and began to unload my 30lb book the girl next to me whispered, "You know the girl who sits in back and talks alot?" I said, "Yeah." She said, "Her baby boy died 2 weeks ago from SIDS." Stunned I said, "That's awful! How old was he?" She said, "4 months old." We doubted that she'd come to class, this girl said the other had missed her other classes too. But then in she walked.

Which, Okay, I get that. That is not what I don't get. Even if I wasn't able to muster the strength to go back to work for 2 months let alone 2 weeks, but hey we all handle things differently right? So over the next 4 hours I listened to her laugh and joke and use her son as points in an example all without flinching.

I mean, wow, I've never seen anything like this before! At 2 weeks post delivery, the mere mention of Bryston's name I had to do breathing techniques to calm myself. Again, I am not judging her here, I just am in awe of her strength and what I don't understand is how she could be so normal after something like that when I clearly wasn't, and sometimes still am not.

But something tells me that this girl is far from okay. I could read it on her swollen eyes, her raspy voice, and all around disheveled look. She is hurting. Maybe she's just trying to do anything and everything to regain a bit of normalcy. The girl next to me said that she wasn't a very good mom. To which I said, "Regardless of her parenting skills, she still didn't deserve that." I don't know this newly bereaved mom but I already feel protective of her. She's one of us now, weather or not I understand her actions. I spent most of the night fighting the urge to hug her and to tell her that it would all be alright, but I stopped myself. She was clearly doing everything she could to act as normal as possible so who am I to break that fisade?

The girl beside me later told me that one of her friends posted pictures on FB of her "dead" baby after SIDS and that she was creaped out by it. So now I'm trying to help this girl understand. I explained to her how important these pictures are to us and that we wont ever get more, so of coarse we want to share them with anyone & everyone that would care to look but I do understand why people don't like it. I get it, I do. I just wish everyone else like this girl next to me, would be just as understanding of all of us. Not everything we do is going to understand to you, and vice versa, but I wish that they would all be just a little more empathetic and not judge the things we need to do to help us heal after something this horrific.

Again, not judging the newly bereaved mom or the girl next to me in class, I just don't get it, and you know what they don't either. All I can do is to share what I do know for certain and that's simply; be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle. Wouldn't it be nice if everyone in the world lived by this too? I know I'd have been cut alot less if people did.

All I can do now is pray. For each of these girls. I'm going to hand it right on over to the Lord and let him get to work with the things that I cant do because only he can. I would love it if you would add both these girls to your prayer list.

You know, my mom always told me that when you pray for the people that really are the last people on Earth that you want to pray for that God will bless you for doing so. So even if you're like me, initially a little peeved at one of these girls and a little confused by the other, then please pray!

This post has been eating at me since Monday night and I wasn't sure if I should share it or not. I didn't want it to come off the wrong way so I hope I managed to do it the right way. :P

A lil bit of this & a lil bit of that ;p

2010-09-13T15:05:00.017-05:00

It's weird to think that in less than a month will be Bryston's second EDD anniversary. I still have trouble accepting sometimes that it's been over a year since the last time I held his tiny & perfect body. It all feels so surreal to me.

(Mine looks similar to this but also has a silver cross pendant attached to it)
Last Friday in class a girl asked me what the B stood for on my necklace. I was taken off guard for a moment and quickly said, "Bryston." Another girl that knows our family personally said, "Bryson Ray Davison, hey show her your tattoo." So I did. But I never told her why. And as far as I know neither did the other girl. Why didn't I just tell her? I don't know. You would think that I'd be a pro by now at fielding these questions but it still feels a bit like a dream. Like someone else's reality, not mine. How I wish that were true....

And in my developmental Psych class we're learning about conception & fetal growth and development. In one section it talks about things that can interfere with fetal growth or cause death, but it never once mentioned stillbirth. It talked about SIDS and trisomy 21 and even other disorders but not stillbirth. Why! Stillbirth is 5 times more common than SIDS, doesn't it even deserve a mention there?! I never thought that I'd take these omissions personally, but here I am. The thought of writing the author crossed my mind but in all seriousness it wont change the fact that millions of students across the US are learning from this exact book and will probably never even hear the term stillbirth until it effects them or someone they know, and the chances are pretty good that it will. Do I take this personally, heck yes! People are so unaware of this, it infuriates me! No wonder I feel so isolated sometimes!

On a completely different note, Saturday I went to Lincoln with my mother in law and my brother in law's girlfriend, Heidi & her mom. We had a great day! I so needed a little break from the studying and to have a bit of fun with the girls. We shopped till we dropped, took a tour of the sunken gardens and also went to Paint Yourself Silly! I had never heard of this store before and I'm so glad we went! It was so much fun! The store has a wall of pre-made pottery that you pick out & buy. Then you get to paint it any way you want. They glaze it and put it through the kiln and you pick it up later. I'm so excited to see how it turned out! I'll have to post a picture of it when I get back. I chose to paint a star bowel and a soap pump dish. I went with a generic polka dot pattern but if I ever get to go do this again, I will for sure try to master painting a sparrow! We'll see depending on how cute these things turn out if I ever want to try it again, LOL! They even do birthday parties for kids or for adults naughty pottery parties, I suppose for bachelorette parties. That'd be interesting for sure, LOL!

I've fallen behind on my blogging & blog reading because of all the school work but I do still read them, I just might not comment as much as I did before. I'm hoping to get better once this first semester is over, I'll be taking one less class than now in the spring. I haven't left, I'm still here, just not quite as often as before but I'm still praying for all of you! Also feel free to email anytime!

I saw this quote today and fell in love with it! I want this to be my personal motto! My life is my message. ~Mahatma Ghandi~ Isn't that a great way to live your life!

In Memory

2010-09-05T15:43:00.023-05:00

A few months after we lost Bryston my sister and her husband had these decals made for Ty and I. In the may lay I forgot about them, but the other night while going through some things I found them. So today I put one on my car. I love it! Thank you Jess & Adam! It's a bit off center since I did it myself and was so excited to see it finished that I didn't do much but make sure it was straight, LOL! Serves me right for not being patient! But that's okay, I still love it!

On a different note, I had a dream the other night that was a bit disturbing to say the least. I dreamt that I was at a restaurant. There were a group of women standing in a circle talking about their children. I was circling them, with an odd smile on face. Kinda creepy actually. Like they were prey or something. When you get right down to it I think this dream shows a bit of how I feel , at least at some level subconsciously. Like I'm sort of an outcast now, and definitely a bit more socially awkward. Somewhere deep down I'm scared that these women will reject me because I didn't do my job as a mommy. That my babies died and that I'm not worthy I guess? Somewhere deep down I wonder if other mommies will think that my misfortune might be contagious so its best that I be put out. That I'm a danger to them and their children somehow.

Now I know logically that this is ridiculous but it's still a fear of mine, slowly eating away at my confidence. When talking to other mommies outside of the Baby loss community and they are telling me about their children, they often stop midway through realizing that my babies are no longer here, and give their apologies to me. And I wonder, why are you apologizing? Please, Please, Please for those of you who have never gone through this, DO NOT be afraid to talk to me about your babies! There isn't a topic more interesting to me than how well your families are! I mean that with all of my heart! I don't hold it against any of you for having healthy happy families! All that I ask in return is that you listen when I'm telling you about my babies. Even if you've heard the story a thousand times before, let me. It's all I have. I don't get any more memories to make fun and cute stories to tell around the dinner table. All I have is the brief time I spent with them. I have been blessed along this road to never have had anyone not listen to my stories. In fact, I have been so lucky that people let me be me and let me bring them up, even though its a sad topic. People have generally been very good to me.

So good that sometimes I wonder if I talk too much about him sometimes, LOL! But you have to know that by letting me do that and accepting the bad with the good, you are being written onto my heart. It means so much to me when I get to talk about them! So thank you! Thank you for letting me have my moments and for sharing your families with me because it gives me hope that one day my family will be just a full as yours!

A few verses came to mind while writing this post;

"Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically. Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. When God’s people are in need, be ready to help them. Always be eager to practice hospitality."
~Romans 12:9-13~

"Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience."
~Colossians 3:12~

Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful. And do not judge and you will not be judged; and do not condemn, and you will not be condemned; pardon, and you will be pardoned. Give and it will be given to you; good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, they will pour into your lap. For by your standard of measure it will be measured to you in return.
~Luke 6:36-38~

Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.
~Romans 12:10~

Weather or not people realize it, their kindness towards me is fulfilling some of these very verses. I believe to my core that God will bless all of us for our small acts of kindness's toward each other, weather we're doing it with these verses in mind or not. So again, Thank you all for blessing me each day with things like lending an ear, saying a prayer or offering a smile of encouragement. I've had days where everything seemed to be going wrong and it took all I had just to get out of bed but then someone opens a door and smiles and I somehow feel better and know that each day is worth getting out of bed for. That Bryston would want me to keep going, no matter how much I wanted to just lay down in the fetal position and give up. All the little things are what helps me the most. I can say in all honesty that without the kindness's of others I honestly don't think I'd be sitting here today.

So now I want to know, what gets you through? Weather or not you've lost a child what helps you when things just aren't going your way? Do you think its the small things or is it just maybe one thing or one person that helps you? What's the kindest thing any one's done for you? Did you know them or were they are perfect stranger?

~Someday~

2010-08-29T15:13:00.020-05:00

I was thinking about Bryston last night and how amazing his view in Heaven must be. I've been re-reading the book 'Someday' by Karen Kingsbury. It's the final book in the series. One of the character's Ashley had a stillborn daughter, Sarah with anencephaly. This is such a great series! The book mentioned of few of the aspects of loosing an infant along with how the character dealt with her grief and faith. One of the lines of the book that I think will stick with me most is how Ashley realized that Sarah belonged to God and that she always had and always will. What an amazing way to think about it! I like that Bryston "Belongs" to God. It just eases any fears or doubts that I've had about how he is doing without his mama. God is in control and he knows the plans that he has for each of us, including our precious babies, and those plans are not to harm us! Now I just really need to work on being still and knowing that God is in control. That God will be exalted among the nations & we will one day know the purpose of our suffering. Boy, I can hardly wait for that day! Can you just imagine?

And then I started to wonder, do you think our babies are still babies in Heaven or adults? I wish I knew. I guess I like the thought of Bryston still being a baby. I like the idea that when I get to Heaven one day that I will be able to hold my precious son and feel the weight of his live body squirming against mine. Is this something any of you have wondered about? If so, what do you prefer? If it came right down to it, I guess it doesn't really matter, I will be just so happy to be reunited with Bryston that I doubt I'll really be disappointed but I guess it just helps me cope a little better down here, thinking that one day I'll get to hold him again. I don't really recall off hand any scriptures about this, do any of you know if there are scriptures that might have answers about this? I'd be interested to read up on those. I just remember something I was told years ago about how we are all made young again in Heaven, but I don't know how biblically accurate this is?

Wishful thinking of someday may be all the answers I ever I get on this side of Heaven but at least I have the peace of knowing that I WILL have a someday. It makes me really sad to know that there are so many people out there that's not true for. That they will never get their someday when judgement day comes. So today I pray;

Lord,

I know that the plans you have for all of us, and I know that you do all things in your own time. I ask today that you bless anyone reading this with the assurance of you love. I ask that anyone reading this will open their heart to you Lord and accept you with all of their being. I know that you will guide those here who need to read this and ready to accept you into their lives Lord and I ask that you watch over every mommy here today who's heart a little piece of it in Heaven with you. In Jesus name, Amen.

Glamour Mag-Sept Issue

2010-08-26T14:51:00.005-05:00

So I was looking through the September issue of Glamour the other day and I wanted to tell you all about an article I read in this issue. Without telling you the story because I don't want to spoil it, I will just say Hallelujah! A national fashion magazine actually did an article on stillbirth! I am loving that this magazine is even acknowledging this! What a great way to raise more awareness about this! I am so happy with Glamour for taking the time out and reserving space in between the latest fashion trends to address stillbirth which affects so many of us out there! Way To Go Glamour! Kudos!

If you get a chance to read it, I'd be interested to know what you all thought about it?

Look what I just bought!

2010-08-20T18:16:00.016-05:00

I am love with this necklace! I just happened to stumble on the Wee Sparrow Jewels etsy shop and saw that it was sold out. So I contacted her to see if she would consider making me one. She emailed right back saying that in fact she had just made one and was in the process of uploading the new one when she got my email! It was fated to be mine I guess! I cant wait to get it!

And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus. ~Philippians 4:19~

She has some really adorable stuff and really reasonable prices! I am also in love with this anchor & postcard necklace! I know a few of you who would love this so I had to share it!

She also has a bunch of dragonfly & butterfly stuff that I know a few of you might like too. I know, I know, I sound like a salesman but I'm just so excited about this necklace!

So my classes start on Monday, for those of you who don't know, I've enrolled in Nursing school. Monday is the start of my pre-req's. I'm a little nervous and praying that I'll be able to transition back into the learning mode smoothly. It's just been such a long time since I've taken any college classes. (I'm talking 8 years long.) But I'm continuing to believe that God will carry me through. I am going to rest in His promises and think good thoughts for myself, for now ;p I will be pretty busy with class, working full time and with another flex job that I picked up a week ago but I will try my best to keep this blog updated and to keep up on all of my blog reading!

"Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will succeed."
~Proverbs 16:3~

How did all of your Day of Hope's go yesterday? Did any of you do anything special to honor the day? I was home sick, I still am today, so I didn't get anything special done but I'm curious as to how you all spent yours? I saw a few of you who donated blankets and memory boxes which was a neat and generous way to honor the day! Way to go!

But the needy will not always be forgotten, nor the hope of the afflicted ever perish. ~Psalms 9:18~

I will turn their mourning into joy and will comfort them and give them joy for their sorrow. ~Jeremiah 31:13~

August 19th~Day of Hope~

2010-08-19T17:59:00.007-05:00

Today is August 19th, A day of Hope. Today I remember my Angels and Yours. Wishing you a day of peace, love, and gentle reminders of our precious children for all of us.

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God."
~2 Corinthians 1:3-4~

Women Of Faith 2010

2010-08-14T23:17:00.029-05:00

WOW! Just Wow! You wouldn't believe what an amazing experiences I've had this weekend! I had so many sparrow visits and affirmations of HIS & Bryston's love that I spent the day in tears. I am soo glad that I decided to go!

For those of you who don't know, Women of Faith is a conference of speakers, musicians, artist, and plain ole inspirational women. They describe it best on their site putting it like this; Imagine getting together with your closest girlfriends for a weekend. Think of the laughter you’d share, the tears you’d shed, the FUN you’d have. Now multiply that by 10,000 or so. You’re starting to get the idea. But it's so much more than that too! Its connecting to these women through their stories and sharing our faith and learning so much about ourselves and each other, its just an amazing event and if you've never been I highly recommend it! This years theme is Imagine.

I debated on weather or not to go. I thought that it might be a little bit too emotional for me since I haven't been to one in two years. It's an emotional few days even before Bryston. But boy oh boy am I glad I went.

I and my closest gal pal, Louise, had to work Friday so we had to for go the day show and head up just in time to catch the evening show. On the drive up, we're visiting and giggling and having a good time and then she gets serious and says, "I have something for you." The other day she and, Audrey,(Her daughter)went into JC Penney to shop. And little miss is really into jewelry now. Audrey ran over to the ear rings and necklace's and began to browse. Louise said that she ran over to her so excited and clutching in her hand something that she knew was meant for me. How Audrey knew to grab this or what made her tiny hands wrap around this treat I'll never know. Louise pulls out of her purse the prettiest sparrow necklace that her 4 year old daughter had been so excited about. Coincidence? Maybe, but I tend to think not.

Then another weird coincidence happened later that night as we were listening to Karen James speak. Karen was sharing her testimony & said that her husband in 2006 had climbed Mt. Hood which led to his untimely death when a freak storm rolled in unexpectedly. I just got a balloon from for Bryston's birthday from Mt. Hood! Okay, not a huge thing but it was just one more thing to add the the tally of the weekend's "coincidences."

We went back to the motel that night, all 9 of us women, and crowded into one room! Any other trip and I would have been super uncomfortable with this many bodies in one small area but it was so much fun! We laughed and acted silly and were lucky if we got a whole 3 hours of uninterrupted sleep!

The next morning started off as any usual Women of Faith conference does, with the worship team waking us up with some uplifting praise music. After that Shelia Walsh spoke on trusting God. And then it was Karen James's turn to speak again. She went further into heartbreaking details about how she lost her husband and told us a bit about his personality. She said that Kelly, her husband, was a Christian man. She said he was always after her about how much she worried about things. She said that he would always tell her the same thing over and over; "Babe, why are you so worried?" She would respond, because of this and because of that, and tell him why she was worried about a particular issue. He would always tell her, "Babe! You know that God takes care of his sparrows. We don't need to worry!" She then quoted the scriptures from Luke 12:6 and Matthew 10:29 that he would remind her about each time she would worry endlessly. Karen then shared with us about how after Kelly had passed she would be followed by flocks and flocks of sparrows. As I was sitting there listening to this I started to cry. Happy tears that I know what she is talking about! I have had regular sparrow visits almost daily since the day we left the hospital. And tears of sorrow for not only me but for Karen because I know.

After Karen, was Natalie Grant. She opened with a few upbeat songs and had us all on our feet shaking our tale feathers! Natalie then began to speak about hope and
how its all tied in with trusting God. That we're able to hope because God has a track record for being trust worthy, even in the most difficult of situations. Natalie then read this scripture from Isaiah 40:31;
"but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on the wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint" Another strange "coincidence," because not but 3 days before I posted this same verse here. She then went into her infamous song Held. If you've never heard this song or heard me talk about the first time that I heard it and it's significance to me, I highly recommend listening to it. Its an amazing song! So not only had I gotten the verse for an affirmation but now I also have Natalie Grant singing a song that has been so near and dear to my heart for a long time now! If I thought these were coincidences before this point, I was beyond sure now that they weren't!

(Hailey & Jess, my sister)
When Natalie was done signing I got a text from my sister. Here is what it said;
You know what I was thinking while Natalie was signing her held song? I was thinking about how incredibly strong your bond with Bryston is, Not even Heaven can break that bond. Bryston just shows up everywhere to say he loves you because he does love you, so much...even from Heaven. Its just really neat to see you love someone so much!! You're an amazing Mommy and Bryston is an amazing little fella!! ;) I so needed to hear that at that exact moment! I truly believe that God put that message in her heart to deliver to me that day.

And I'm not even done yet! After Natalie Grant went on we had a surprise performance by Selah! They had just happened to be in Omaha and decided to come to the conference! How lucky are we! Before they began to sing they talked. And to my surprise, I was about to get another affirmation. Todd Smith began to speak. I never put 2 and 2 together and realized that Angie Smith was his wife. For those of you who don't know Angie, you can read her story on her blog. But in short, Angie and Todd had a daughter Audrey born still. By the time he got to this point in his story I'm a mess. He asked that any woman who had suffered a stillbirth or miscarriages to stand. So I did. He said that he wanted to recognize us for the moms that we are and to let us know that its not our fault! I have been to several Women of Faith conferences but I have never ever heard any mention of stillbirth or miscarriage or had so many personal hits as I did this year.

Okay, so after Selah's performance was Michelle Aguilar, the winner of The Biggest Loser. She talked about how her parents divorced and how her Mom had taken her 2 sisters and left Michelle behind with her brothers and Father. She went on to tell about how she ended up on The Biggest Loser with her Mother for a partner. Long story short she learned how to let go and let God. HIT! I have only told one other person this, but to understand why this is meaningful to me, I'll go ahead and share it. On Bryston's birthday, after I had decorated and done everything in Omaha that I had wanted I headed home. About halfway home, out of no where I hear plain as day, God's still and small voice whispering to me. He said, "It's time." Confused I asked, "Time for what?" To which I heard, "To let him go." I pleaded, "I'm not ready God! I'm not ready!" And I cried the whole rest of the way home. But you know what, I think God understands that while I might not be ready, He will help me to let go. And ever since Bryston's birthday I have felt a bit lighter in spirit. A bit more ready. How I don't know, but there it is. I'm learning to let go and let God.

I'll probably always carry this grief, sorrow and guilt with me but after this weekend my load feels alot lighter. I am so glad that I chose to go. If I hadn't, I would have never had all of these amazing affirmations from God & Bryston. Each time I get one my heart heals a bit more. This weekends signs might seem like coincidences to anyone else but to me, even the smallest one means more to me than I'll ever ever be able to describe in words. God's small & still voice was heard loud and clear this weekend!

By awesome deeds you answer us with deliverance,
O God of our salvation;
you are the hope of all the ends of the earth
and of the farthest seas.
By your strength you established the mountains;
you are girded with might.
You silence the roaring of the seas,
the roaring of their waves,
the tumult of the peoples.
Those who live at earth’s farthest bounds are awed by your signs;
you make the gateways of the morning and the evening shout for joy.
(Psalm 65:5-8)

I CANT do it all!

2010-08-10T12:53:00.009-05:00

So I got all signed up for school the other day. I enrolled in classes, signed up for financial aide, and ordered my books and the whole time I am filled with a sense of purpose and an enthusiasm that I haven felt in a long while.

And then...Satan starts in. He whispers venomously to me, "You're too old to be going back to school now. You're not smart enough to learn everything that these 18 year olds' are learning. You'll never make it and you'll be straddled with more debt and nothing to show for it. HA HA HA!" But I know that those are the lies of the one who seeks to kill, steal and destroy. So I chose not to listen. I chose to believe that God has put this opportunity in my path. I chose to believe that if God did not want this for me that He would have put a road block in my path preventing me from moving forward. I choose to believe that I will be able to do this and I will be able to full fill my hopes of honoring Bryston's memory this way.

But then...I went to my Mom's house to visit her and my sister who is in town for a few weeks and again the wind is knocked out of my sails. They made a comment, that in no way was malicious or meant to be disparaging, it just made me think. They mentioned that I might have to put the TTC in hold until I'm done with school. Which to be honest, I never even thought about. I didn't consider this being an issue, but it is. I want a baby so bad! But then again I also want to go on with my schooling so bad! I am torn. I know how difficult working a full time job and going to school full time is and then to throw a new baby into the mix would be extremely difficult. So what do do I do? How do I make this choice? Do I even have to make this choice?
I know there are millions of women who do this everyday, but am I capable of being one of them?

And then....I read Andrea's post. A post on a completely different topic but when it boils down to it, really is the same at it's core, Hope. She reminded me of a scripture that I have seen before and always appreciated but until today had forgot about.
Isaiah 40:31 NIV
"but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on the wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint"
Of coarse I cant do it all, but He can! As long as I cling to Him and let him guide my steps, I cant fail! Through HIM all things are possible! Why had I forgotten this? But what's even more amazing is how He gently nudges me everyday and always finds a way to remind me of what I've forgotten!

God's got my back, who has yours?

REALLY???

2010-08-04T00:20:00.011-05:00

Okay so tonight as I sat down to catch up on some of my blog reading I came across this. I went to the blog that incited her feelings of disgust after reading her post and believe you me I left with the very same feeling. I just had to weigh in since you know, I'm "mentally unstable" and "right winged" that I'm just compelled I guess.(She said that BLM's that dedicate a blog to their dead child are unstable and are of conservative backgrounds, which is just stereotyping at its best!)

I had to pick my mouth up off of the key board as I read this woman's vile and cruel words. Has this woman never heard of tact or compassion? I mean really! C'mon! Whatever happened to love thy neighbor? How can she sit there and say these things and act like it's us who have no right? She basically said that her opinions matter more because her blog is purpose driven and ours aren't. Are you kidding me?? Our blogs give hope and encouragement to people going through some of the darkest days of their lives and THAT isn't purpose enough for her? Give me a break!

Or how about the fact that blogging is scientifically proven to be beneficial to not only ones physical health but emotional health as well? At least our blogs are putting a positive message out there and not messages of hate and cruelty! Her assumption that we are all right winged religious fanatics who are all mentally unstable I think gets me the most! Hello? Has this woman ever even seen more than one or two of our blogs? I know several of you who are Left leaning and even a few atheist out there. Does she seriously think that stillbirth, infant death and miscarriage only happens to the right wingers in the world?

Then she even had the nerve to disable her comments after a post like that! WHAT??? If you cant take the heat then don't start the fire lady! I am so mad I am shaking! What nerve this woman has! I mean, really, what does this heathen think, that you have a baby that dies and your just over it a certain predestined time? That without my blog, where I can freely get support from other BLM's, that I would just forget? That I wouldn't feel compelled to show people pictures of my son and jump at the chance to talk about him to anyone willing to listen? Her post sickens me! To her my son and your children aren't worthy of being cherished and remembered. I don't get it. I don't get how someone could be so cold. All I can do is pray for her. Even thought right now she is the very last person on the face of the planet that I feel like praying for, I will. I was brought up right, unlike her. I will lay her before our Fathers feet and I will let this go, but for now, right now I am livid! Even though she is entitled to her, crappy, opinion, she still doesn't need to go on the attack. You don't see any of us on here attacking her views on life now do you? No you don't! Hrmp! (I refrained from sending a message and giving this wicked woman a piece of my mind. I'm pretty sure that this woman has never been to my blog so I will not directly engage her. My mama always tells me that the Lord doesn't want us to fight, so I will listen to my wise mama and just express my thoughts here on my "Un-Purpose" filled blog.)

Okay stepping off my soapbox for now, thank you and goodnight! Insert image of my immaturely sticking my tongue out at her!

But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you (Luke 6:27-28).

~Bryston's sea of Balloons~

2010-08-02T22:51:00.038-05:00

Sorry it's taken me so long to post this, my sister is in town for a few weeks and I've been studying for my compass test so I haven't been online much this week. I want to thank all of you who participated in Bryston's Balloon Release! You've blessed me beyond measure! I bet that was a really cool view from up there watching all his balloons floating up to him!

From Monica,Gracies Mommy(Mt. Hood, OR)

From Bree,Ella's Mommy(San Diego, California)

From Jody, Grants Mommy(Queen Creek, Az)

From Mark, Kelsey & Ryne Miller(Farragut, IA)

From Lance, Candi, & Micheal Wilmot(Lincoln, NE)

From Destiny, Braxton's Mommy(Lafayette IN)

From Holly, Carleigh's Mommy(Ohio, USA)

From Susan, Gracie's Mommy(USA)

From The Heard Family(Linton, IN)

This one is so neat! The clouds look like a heart in the background!

And then there were the 12 balloons that I released at his grave site;each one with its own personal note or poem attached to it.

Matthew 6:19-21
"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR THESE TREASURES!!!

P.S. Today I got a thank you in the mail for the flowers and balloon that I left the OB doctors and nurses on Bryston's birthday. I was really floored, and how sweet is it that they'd thank me for giving them a thank you! 9 different L&D nurses signed it, and guess what else; one of them is the fantastic nurse who helped me so much during those 3 days and even assisted with birthing Bryston! Her message on the card says;
Thank you so much for thinking of us at this time. You and your family have made an impression on all of us, then and now. Wishing the best for both of you.

I have often wondered if any of the nurses ever thought of us, espcially that one. And I am so thrilled beyond thrilled that my sweet baby boy crosses her mind occasionally. My heart is swelled with love and pride tonight because on top of that I got THIS sparrow visit right after opening that card! Again, Thank you Julie! I love it!

2010-07-27T00:48:00.015-05:00

This past year has been one of the worst years of my life and under all that grief has been an itch. An itch to do more, to make Bryston's life matter. To make it all count for something. An itch that seems to have been getting worse lately. Ya'll remember this post about a week ago or so?

So I'm considering going back to school, for nursing. Back when I first started college, I started in the lpn program and changed majors the first week to business. I graduated with an AA in business administration but I never really put it to use. I've been working in health care in one way or another since so why not just bite the bullet and go for it? I want to do this because to me, I'll know that with every patient that I care for that I'll be doing it in his honor. These people will become a part of his legacy and I love thinking of it like that! What a neat thought that he is and would still be making a difference!

I'll be going over everything with my admissions advisor next week and getting things all figured out. I'm kinda bummed because I got a notice from the fsfa people that we didn't qualify for a pell grant. We must have made just a hair over to qualify. I'm freaking out about how we are going to pay for this. We live paycheck to paycheck as it is so Please pray that we'll be able to find some large scholarships for me or another form of grant to help us pay for this. I am really hoping it all works out because this is something I've been thinking about for awhile now. In fact I was considering this right before I found out that I was pregnant with Bryston and it just fell by the way side with everything after that.

I feel like I'm always asking for all of your prayers! Needy, Needy, Needy LOL! Just know that each time I ask I say a blessing for all of you in return. I know that in life relationships are often give and take and I just wanted you guys to know that I don't forget about you!

Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. ~Matthew 7:7-8~

Bryston's 1st Heavenly Birthday

2010-07-23T20:58:00.023-05:00

Yesterday was Bryston's birthday. I cant believe it's been an entire year since I've held him and looked lovingly on his face. A year since I lightly stroked his head full of dark chocolate hair and kissed that impossibly soft skin. 365 days since we compared who he looked like more,(We never settled on an answer for that one)and 8760hours since I smelled his heavenly scent. What I wouldn't give to go backward in time, just once.

It was a full day of honoring our sweet boy. His grave was decorated to the nines, I don't think I could have gotten one more decoration on there with out creeping onto the neighboring babies plots.

12 balloons were released, one for each month that he's been gone. Each balloon had a special note or poem attached to it. The wind was crazy when I was about to release them so most of the pictures I got were from a distance. But I did get a few up close.

Flowers & a balloon were delivered to the Labor & Delivery nurses and my OB at the hospital where Bryston was born. A note attached explained why it was being done and thanking them for the outstanding and sensitive care that we received while there.

After all that, I went and had supper with friends Mark & Kelsey and my adorable godson, Ryne. Check out this cutie!
Ryne and his parents released a balloon yesterday in honor of Bryston's birthday and also gave us the cutest little framed poem. It says;
Precious Little One
I'm just a precious little one
They say there is a reason,
They say that time will heal,
But neither time nor reason,
Will change the way I feel.
For no one knows the heartache,
That lies behind our smiles,
No one knows how many times,
We have broken down and cried,
We want to tell you something,
So there wont be any doubt,
You're so wonderful to think of
But so hard to be without.
(Author Unknown)

After supper I went home and ate a slice of Funfetti cake and watched a sappy movie and had a good cry. The day was a success in my book. I had a strange sense of calm peace and love that I just know could only be Heaven sent so Thank You all for your prayers and kind thoughts yesterday. I don't think that I could have gotten through without all of them!

Later in the evening I realized that I forgot to check the mail and what I got was a BIG suprise! Julie and Brian sent me a wonderful gift in honor of Bryston's birthday! Thank you guys sooo much! I love them!

I'm going to wait to post all the balloon release pictures until a little later, since this is turning into quite a long post and also a few friends are had to postpone their releases until later. I cant wait to show them all to you! Thank you so much to everyone who released a balloon in honor of Bryston's 1st Heavenly Birthday! You all have blessed me beyond measure with these! xoxo!

(The letter I sent to him yesterday with his bird balloon)

Dearest Bryston on your birthday,
I can hardly believe that you've been gone a whole year. I can’t even begin to tell you how much my life has changed since you came & left. I miss you more every day, in every way imaginable, I didn’t think it was possible to love another human being this much, I didn’t think one heart could contain all that until you showed up. Boy did you prove your Mama wrong! I feel you around sometimes, I love that you do that, and all the sparrows that you send, It helps me to feel close to you and to remember that your safe with HIM. I won’t ever get to see you do all those things that a Mama should see her baby do, but I know that you can see me, and I hope that you’re proud. Not a minute goes by when I don’t think of you. We miss you! We love you!
HAPPY 1ST HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY MY LITTLE MAN!!!
Xoxo,

You’re Mama

P.S. I just got the most awesome affirmation from Bryston not but 10 minutes ago! A sparrow landed on the front porch, looked at me and flew off. It lasted less than 3 seconds but how amazing that on 7/25/09 a year to the day from our very 1st sparrow visit I get the best one of all!! I love you baby!

If I die young

2010-07-20T19:39:00.004-05:00

I just had to share this, its such a pretty song! I heard the lyric; "Lord make me a rainbow so I can shine down on my mother, she'll know im safe with you when she stands under my colors" and the tears just flowed. I hope you guys like it as much as I do! Enjoy!

God Bless!

July 21st

2010-07-20T14:30:00.011-05:00

Wow, its hard to believe that its July 21st again. July 21st is the 202nd day in the year, and it'll forever be a date I'll associate with sadness. It will have been exactly one year @ 10:45 tonight since our nightmare began. Tonight is the year marker for when I heard those awful words, "I'm so sorry, but I'm not getting a hear beat."

As I reflect back on that day it leaves me feeling the shock of the situation all over again. That my son was dead before he was even born, just typing that still feels so un-natural and wrong. I don't think that I'll ever get use to it. I can still smell the hospital smells and feel the sting of the iv line. Its as real as the lingering smells of this mornings breakfast to me today.

Re-living the birth of my child is not something that I ever in a million years would have thought would be something that would cause me emotional pain, but here I am. I feel as if the scab has been yanked clean off and I'm sitting here staring a bleeding gash in shock.

I remember being thrown into the back of the ambulance for the hospital transfer to Omaha and half way there the realization hit me that I would still have to deliver Bryston, that I would be delivering a dead baby. No one actually had officially told me that yet. Those of you out there who haven't been through this could never know how damaging that is for a person to realize. To still be trying to come to grips with the fact that your child is gone but then to have them still tucked safely inside your belly. Its just something that your brain doesn't want to comprehend.

As I start to re-live the next 3 days please include me in your prayers. I can already tell you that I cant do this on my own. I need His hand on me constantly this week, comforting me and guiding my steps.

(Psalm 32:7-8)
You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance.

July Baby Birthday Gift

2010-07-19T20:55:00.021-05:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JULY BABIES!!!!

I wanted to do something special for all the July birthdays since I know how important those milestones are as we're gearing up to celebrate Bryston's 1st year in Heaven on Saturday. While I didn't get done what I was planning to do, maybe next year, I hope this will suffice. Wishing a peace and love filled day to all of you out there celebrating those special remembrance Birthday's this month.

•*★*♥~Bereaved Birthdays~♥**♥*
Birthdays are a time for celebration
Not a time for tears
But what happens when the birthdays
No longer mark the years?
*♥~♥*
A birthday marks the moment
A spirit enters earthly life
To share it's special love and joy
And learn from earthly strife.
*♥~♥~♥*
Before a spirit comes to us
It knows when and how it must depart
It chose it's path carefully
We are honoured from the start.
*♥~♥~♥~♥*
The sadness we now feel
On such a joyous day
Is longing for our loved one's touch
It's natural to feel this way.
*♥~♥~♥~♥~♥*
For even though the birthdays
No longer mark a spirit's stay
Love continues on forever
To touch us every day.
*♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥*
So hug your precious memories
Closer to your heart
And honour your beloved spirit child
Who chose you from the start.
*♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥*
(Author Unknown)
*♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥*

God Bless,

Balloons for Bryston's Birthday

2010-07-17T17:10:00.006-05:00

A few weeks ago I posted here that instead of a party for Bryston I would like to have a sort of national balloon release. Brystons birthday is Saturday. I think it would be the neatest thing to send him balloons from wherever you all at. I am hoping to use these pictures in an album along with his name gallery photos detailing his first year in Heaven and the impact he has made not only on my life but all around the world. This would mean a great a deal to me, so please if you are able to, release a balloon on or before his birthday. You can email me the picture of your balloon at jenn_624@hotmail.com. Thank you so much!!!!

Monica released this balloon in Mt. Hood, OR in honor of Brystons b-day, Thank you Monica!

Life Is Just Horrible Sometimes...

2010-07-16T20:26:00.012-05:00

Today, yesterday, this week it seems to be one of those weeks where the bad news and even a few tragedies seem to be just rolling in. That the ebe has yet to flow in with some good news.

Earlier in the week a local 17 year old girl got into a wreck with a semi. A beautiful, full of life teenage girl. She went home to be with Jesus on Wednesday. Yesterday a 3 year old was malled by a dog at a local motel. She escaped with her life, luckily but how awful! This morning I got some bad news about a friend. Without saying too much about her situation, let me just say it's dire. And horrible and scary and I wish I had an ounce of strength that she has. Her little girl caught my wedding bouquet. She is the spitting image of her mother and I worry about how she is handling the news.

And all of this news, these awful horrible things happening around me, all I could think is, what's the point? Horrible things happen every day. To random unsuspecting undeserving people. I would know. Every one of knows that a little too well, don't we? I just don't get it. Whats the point of all of these things happening? I wish I knew. I really do.

And then my next thought was; Don't I owe it to Bryston, to my friend, to all of the people that I have loved and lost along the way to live my life to the fullest? To enjoy every minute of this horrible tragedy filled life however I can? Don't I owe it to them to make a difference? To live and love a little harder, and to do and experience all of the things that life has to offer me that they will never get to enjoy? To feel all the sadness and all of the sorrow completely and to the fullest of my ability, for them, in honor of them?

I'm so tired of being cautious and holding back. I don't want to go through my life that way any more. I want to live a life that I can look back on and laugh and not even know where to start telling my story because I have just one too many. Good and Bad stories. Because that's life. We have the sadness and the tragedy so we recognize and appreciate the good so much more when it flows its way back in. So this is me, hoping to catch the next wave of good and to ride it all the way home with my arms outstretched and with laughter in my soul.

I'm going to embrace it, finally. Finally I get it. I may not understand or like that bad things happen to good people every day, but I'm here still breathing and living with half of my heart in Heaven and I can still say, that I'm not giving up. I will be here, living life, really living for once.

July Babies

2010-07-04T13:42:00.003-05:00

If you're sweet baby was born/lost in July please let me know, I'd like to do something special in honor of this months angels. Please leave me a comment with your childs name and birth/death date.

I'm still here...

2010-07-04T11:46:00.012-05:00

I haven't fallen off the face of the Earth, I'm still here. I'm just taking a bit of a break from blogging until I can figure out where my head & heart are at. I'm just at a bit of a stand still right now. I just don't have much to say right now, I'm just feeling it all so intensely and I'm not sure how to put those feelings/thoughts into a lucid post.

In 20 days Bryston's birthday will be here. I haven't planned anything. I wouldn't even know how to begin to invite someone to my dead sons birthday party, not that I don't want to throw a party with every fiber of my being, that would be so nice to have people gather to remember him. But for whatever reason it just doesn't feel right for me. I took that weekend off from work in anticipation that I would be a mess, which so far is already the truth. I will probably decorate his site and do a balloon release for his 1st Heavenly Birthday.

So here's what I'm thinking, And I hope that you'll participate because I think this could be really cool in lou of a party for him. I was hoping that I could get you all to release a balloon on or before the 24th from where ever you are in the world in honor of Bryston. If you could take a picture of it that would be even better! I love the idea of Bryston seeing a sea of balloons floating up to him for his special day! So please, If you're able, send Bryston a Birthday balloon!

Happy 4th to each of you by the way! It's gloomy and rainy here so our Fireworks have been postponed until next Saturday. I hope all of your days are a little brighter than ours here in Southwest Iowa! Be safe out there & God Bless!

Today I'm Sad

2010-06-22T15:58:00.026-05:00

So Thursday is my 28th birthday and instead of being something to be celebrated all I can think is after Thursday, its exactly a month until Bryston's 1st Heavenly birthday. I mean I knew that his birthday would be emotional and hard for me, but I really didn't think it would start this soon. I have been so moody and teary this week. Poor Ty! My moods change faster than he can turn his head.

I feel like I'm at a point that there just arent any words anymore. All I have to say is; I hate this, this isn't fair, and beyond that I'm just speechless. I just feel discontented and not whole. Somethings missing and it's my baby. So all I can think is, will I ever be happy again? I mean really truly happy in this life?

Today I sit here and I feel as if I've made no progress. I feel the same as I did nearly 11 months ago. Lost and broken and wondering how I will survive this. So I guess it's just a hard day in a hard week on the way to even harder days ahead. I just want to be done with this, to lay it all down and walk away, but I know that's impossible. No one can just walk away from somthing like this and be fine. So I'm doing the best I can today, and that's all that I can do. I think I need some prayers and a really amazing sparrow visit today.

So because I'm sad I found some sad art; because lets face it, misery does love company.

These pieces make me wonder why the artist are so sad? Who did they loose? Looking at these it's feels nice to see what I'm feeling expressed in art and that the artists get it somehow, ya know? Sorry to be so depressing today, I know I havent blogged in a few days then to come back on such a low note, isnt much fun so I apologize. Its just one of those weeks. Thanks for listening anyway!

~Psalms 126:5-6~
They that sow in tears shall reap in joy. He that goeth forth and weepeth, bearing precious seed, shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him.

RRRR!

2010-06-15T22:55:00.005-05:00

I stopped by the cemetery today just to check in since its been a few weeks and all and what I found does not make me very happy! I found nothing! Yup, you read that right, zip zilch nada! They not only cleaned up all the memorial flowers left they took the liberty of throwing out his shepard's hook with the brand new chimes that my parent put up and the name plaque that's been there since last year! I mean I knew they would take the flowers and the cross but everything? C'mon! Now his grave site is bare and just another piece of grass, I hate that! It looks so lonely there all empty. I will be going back up in a few days and redecorating it, I'm just not very happy that they didn't leave the other decorations there. They have left all the other decorations alone? So my best guess is that do this once a year maybe but you would have thought that they would leave that stuff and just of taken the disposable stuff. And as we were leaving the cemetery I saw several other graves that still had all it's decorations on it. Theres a butterfly headstone that's adorable and always decorated to the nines so I notice every time I go, and it still had all its pinwheels and even a Christmas tree still up! Guess they have connections that I don't have???

Okay, thanks for letting me vent for a minute. I just had to let that out. It was just a shock to see his site like that. It hasn't been bare since last year right after so I guess I'm taking it a little more personal than it really is....

Anyone Know????

2010-06-10T11:04:00.007-05:00

Okay, I'm not sure how to fix this. I have been having alot of trouble with a certain commenter on this page. You know the ones that like to type in Chinese characters and include a link to their disgusting pornographic sites. I don't think this person is a follower of mine I think she/he just kinda lurks here and I DO NOT APPRECIATE IT ONE BIT!!! This page is where I come to honor my babies. My babies who are now in Heaven so Please Please Please have a little shred of decency and back off!

Right now my comment settings are set on Registered Users and that leaves me free of comments from anonymous people. But now I'm thinking I need to go even further with this. Does anyone know if the members only selection means followers of this blog or if it means I people I invite to this blog? I do not want to have to do that. I like being able to reach other blm's and I like them to be able to find me too but that in turns means commenter's like 宛AshleyRemley1218儒 (Yes, I'm calling you out, go lurk somewhere else Please!)can find me and shove their disgusting sites in unsuspecting followers faces. The last comment I received was on my last post, (I have since deleted, I delete all your comments just so ya know) where I read, What must be must be ...... and the dots were her link. Excuse Me? What does that even mean? That it happened so it was fated to happen? I don't get your comment? And please don't act like you give a crap and then link that smut here because it's just insulting to me and to the memories of my babies! I've always known that people in that industry have scrupulous morals but this is ridiculous!

I hope you guys know because I have a feeling that my begging and following rant will do no good on this character!

Where I'm at today

2010-06-08T16:51:00.006-05:00

You know those stages of grief that all the shrinks talk about? Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and finally Acceptance. I read a little bit about them on a random website and I loved the ending statement on the page. It said, "There is no completion date to grieving...let your emotions flow through the stages of grief." How true is that! So I got to thinking about them today and trying to gauge where I think I am on that ladder. And to be honest I don't think I really know. In my opinion I think I bounce back and forth between stages quite a bit. The last few weeks I'm feeling a little better like maybe I'm in that acceptance area but before that I was in the Anger/Bargaining spot. Tomorrow I could be back in anger. I mean who really knows. That's one of the main things that I have noticed since our loss, is the inability to predict my emotions.

I have noticed that I am far more sensitive than I've ever been in my life. I've never been a big cryer but now a stupid commercial might bring me spiraling down. Or like today when Ty and I were talking/joking about his inefficiency to get dressed quickly for work, I burst out of nowhere laughing! He made a comment along with a face that I found just hysterical at the time and I laughed until I had tears streaming down my cheeks. I have never been so emotionally open before and I really cant say that it's all bad. I am more emotionally honest than I've ever been and I think that has really helped Ty and I to grow closer. I've learned what's really important in life and don't let all the small things bother me as much as I did before.

And I like that most of these websites had an overall theme, that there is no timetable for grief. That for some people it's a life long process. I like that they are backing us up on that. I just wish the rest of the world could understand that. That there isn't a certain amount of months or years when we just stop missing our babies and suddenly file them away under Tragic Memory. It made me realize how blessed I am to have the family and friends that I have. They have all be so supportive to me and let me feel open to deal with this however I choose. If anyone has a problem with it, I have yet to hear about it which is sad that some of you cant say the same. So my prayer for all of you today is for understanding from your loved ones. I pray that you will feel free to cope with your loss/es in any manner that you need, however strange it may seem to them on the outside.

Look What I Made!

2010-06-07T19:53:00.022-05:00

I spent the weekend making baby crafts that I plan on selling. It was so much fun!!! I made diaper wreaths, diaper cupcakes and diaper sundaes! The pictures didn't come out as well as I had hoped, but I am very impressed with myself on how they all turned out! I'm seriously not hitting you guys up, I just wanted to just show everyone how cute they turned out!

I have always loved doing crafts but my crafting kinda came to a stand still after last summer so it was nice to just keep myself busy doing all of these this weekend. I had alot of fun but my fingers are a little sore after all of these so I'll keep this post short for now! *HUGS to each of YOU*

Happy Birthday Tyson!!!

2010-06-04T20:15:00.009-05:00

My sister had her 4th baby this morning! Tyson Bentley Heard was born at 8:45am this morning at a whopping 8 lbs and 20inches long! I wish I could be there with you Jess! I cant wait until your back home in a few weeks! These are the only pictures I have so far so it's going to have to do.

Congrats!! I love ya Jess! Happy Birthday Tyson!

Memorial Weekend

2010-06-01T16:52:00.007-05:00

Wow! I cannot believe it's been over a week since I've logged onto Blogger, this is the longest I've gone since last summer. Last week was super busy at work. I worked alot of extra hours trying to play catch up before the long weekend. We went to several barbeque's and spent time with friends and family. Ty and I slept in all weekend, which was soo nice!

Yesterday we took flowers to Bryston's site to honor Memorial day. I know, I know, its about the Vets but for me Memorial day is also about honoring all of the dead. I went to several stores looking for just the right floral arrangement but was having a hard time finding the right one. I didn't want to put up the fake floral arrangements I really wanted live ones so I found a really pretty potted arrangement at Menard's with red, white and blue flowers and a cute little flag sticking out of it. When we got to the cemetery I was in awe of how beautiful it all looked. All of the flowers, balloons, flags, toys and pinwheels were stunning with the sunlight bouncing off of them. But it was also sad. Sad because there are so many baby graves. Bryston's cemetery has sections for infants. He is buried in whats called BabyLand 2. This is the first time also that I saw other grieving parents visiting their babies. Its always empty when I visit. I like that because it gives me privacy to grieve, but it made me sad to see them.

Another thing I did this weekend is pull out my summer clothes, Yay! But also Nae! I love summertime, its my favorite time of year along with Christmas, but now summer means something different to me. It means the season that I lost Bryston. As I was pulling out my clothes I couldn't help but remember that I wore alot of these last summer while I had him still with me. I had flashbacks of things I did when I wore them and OB appointments that I wore some too. I didn't anticipate this being something that would bother me. I mean there just clothes, but they're also so much more than that. They're a piece of my time spent with Bryston while he was still safe. Putting them on each day is bittersweet. (I should clarify here, I wore prepregnancy and still do where alot of empire waisted tops, I love them. So they are my regular clothes. Im not running around in last years maternity gear or anything LOL!) Oh well, chalk it up to another one of those unexpected things the grieving process throws at ya.

I need to catch up on all of my blog reading, Sorry I've been neglectful! I hope everyone had a great Memorial weekend!!!

Also today is a very special day for one of you out there. I want to wish Wyatt a Very Happy 1st Heavenly Birthday! Sending love and prayers to the Finchum family and wishing them a very peaceful and joyous day as they remember their sweet boy.

A Dream

2010-05-21T12:45:00.004-05:00

Last night I had a dream about being pregnant. And in the dream I, for whatever reason, had refused to look at any of this babies ultrasound pictures. My sister was over and she wanted to see the most recent one. As I handed it to her I accidentally saw it. It was the clearest ultrasound. It showed a profile shot of the baby. At least at 20=25 weeker baby. And all I remember after that was asking her, there really is a baby huhn?

How weird is that? So far I have had 2 dreams about being pregnant since our losses, but none where Bryston is present. I crave a dream of him so badly but it just never seems to come. But then again I realize how blessed I am to be getting as frequent sparrow visits as I have. Maybe I'll never get a dream, but I hope that I do. These pregnancy dreams give me hope that maybe soon I'll be blessed again like so many of you. I'm petrified of another loss but I am in no way willing to give up. I will do whatever I have to do. I just pray that it doesn't come to that.

Tonight were going out with some friends to see a comedian/hypnotist. I am so excited! I really need to get out and have a few good laughs. I wish that I could be as light hearted as I use to be so tonight I'm really looking forward to a little piece of that again. Wish me luck! Have a great weekend everyone and God Bless!

Spread The Love

2010-05-18T17:03:00.010-05:00

I ran across this blog today and thought, what a great idea! I love that this is such a simple thing to do. How one kind act could make not only someones day but possibly their whole month!

So today I am spreading the love to my sister, Jess. She has a blog here called My Mama's a Believer. And I couldn't love that title more! Jess says that because our mother was a believer that now she too is a believing mommy. Jess is currently 9 months pregnant, due to have the newest member of our family, Tyson Bentley, on June 4th!

The little guy already looks like her! So cute! Tyson will be her 4th precious gift, yup 4th! She is one of the greatest Mom's I have ever seen. She rivals our mother which in my book says alot. Patient to a fault and so sweet to these kids it makes me wonder sometimes if I'll be as good of a mommy as her! Check out what a good looking family she has!

Jess, You are a great sister! There to support me in the tough times and there to laugh with me in the good. Keeper of my secrets and my partner in crime growing up. There to remind me of how to better love and live in Christ. A wonderful mother, wife, friend. The way that you have raised your babies in the Lord is an inspiration to me. And the way that you have included Bryston into you and your families lives has touched me far deeper than you can ever know! Hearing your children say his name is music to my ears and feeds my soul each time I hear it said. I love you big sis!

Now who are you going to spread the love to? Go on, it's easy and it's so much fun!

Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. ~Luke 6:38~

Seriously???

2010-05-14T18:30:00.010-05:00

Ugh, Seriously is everyone pregnant now or what? Sorry, I'm having a moment here. Everywhere I look and every site I visit it seems there is 2 to 3 more pregnancy announcements a week. Why is the universe torturing me?! RRRR! I shouldn't be so jealous, I mean we're not even trying at this point. We agreed to wait until I'm off of the Chantex to start trying, but that's not stopping all of these jealous feeling rising up in me. I guess I just want what I don't have. I want my babies. I want to be a mommy and not just an angel mommy.

The other day someone made a comment about a woman trying to conceive who is 29 and the person said, "Well she better hurry up she's almost 30. Its gets harder in your 30's." Oh God, if that's true... I'm 27 getting ready to turn 28 in June. Lets say I get pregnant this summer, I'd be 29 or close to by the time I'd deliver, and what if I would like a second rainbow baby too? I'm going to be facing even more trails then than now? Great. Just Great....

Okay, thanks for letting me vent for a minute. I just had to get it out. I'm good now, well kinda....

The Latest Name Gallery Pics

2010-05-12T22:02:00.020-05:00

It's been awhile since I have updated all of you on all the new name gallery pictures that I've gotten! I just cannot even tell you how much I love and appreciate each and every one of them. They are remembered!!! God Bless Each of You for doing these!

From Beth, Kathlyn's and Cherry's mommy (Harrisburg,NC)

From Jill, Emma & Chase's mommy (USA)

From Chris, Grandma to Alessa Rose (USA)

From LaCubanita (Los Angeles, Ca)

From Jen, Lilly's mommy(Danielsville,GA)

From Danielle, Wyatt's mommy(Tennessee)

Aren't they all amazing! Thank you guys soo much! I love them!

~Numbers 6:24-26~
"The LORD bless you and keep you;the LORD make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the LORD turn his face toward you and give you peace."

Blog For Your Health

2010-05-10T21:09:00.008-05:00

Okay, I have been lucky enough to have the support of friends and family with however I choose to cope with my grief. Which one of those things just happens to be blogging about it. But I have seen some different responses to our blogging that have been less than supportive of it. And then today I saw this and had to share it. So all of you nay sayers out there I have one thing to say and feel free to quote me on this, "Nah Nah Naa Boo Boo!"

An article in Self Magazine titled Blog For Your Health. Read for yourself;

Post two entries and call me in the morning! Blogging may help you reap the body boons below.
>SOUNDER SLUMBER. Blogging about your feelings can bring on relaxation, which helps usher in sleep, says Michael Breus, Ph.D., author of Beauty of Sleep
>IMPROVED IMMUNITY. Expressive writing may encourage growth of white blood cells, which fight off infection, research shows.
>A HARDY HEART. Writing about emotional topics may lower blood pressure and heart rate, keeping your ticker in better shape. Write from the Heart!

So the next time someone tells you that it might not be the healthiest thing to blog so much about your "dead baby" point them here. We blogging blm's are doing a world of good for ourselves and each other by expressing ourselves. I, for one, have found so much healing and comfort among all of you that I couldn't imagine doing this without you. And if that makes them uncomfortable then oh well, I say. Its our heart(physically AND emotionally)that were talking about here so keep it up!

*************************************UPDATE****************************
I found this post on Once a Mother's site titled Tending To Our Wounds. She puts this into perfect perspective on why as grieving parents it is so vital to express our feelings through blogging and connecting with other grieving parents.

The Sparrow at Starbucks

2010-05-07T18:07:00.007-05:00

I've just got to share this with all of you! I would have posted it earlier but it's been crazy around here. On Wednesday, as I went to my car to go to a different work site I noticed something on my windshield. It was an envelope tucked beneath my wiper blades. I found this article in the envelope from a friend of mine at work. Read this, you wont be sorry!

The Sparrow at Starbucks

It was chilly in Manhattan but warm inside the Starbucks shop on 51st Street and Broadway, just a skip up from Times Square. Early November weather in New York City holds only the slightest hint on the bitter chill of late December and January, but it's enough to send the masses crowding indoors to vie for available space and warmth.

For a musician, its the most lucrative Starbucks location in the world, I'm told, and consequently, the tips can be substantial if you play your tunes right. Apparently, we were striking all the right chords that night because our basket was almost overflowing.

It was a fun low-pressure gig, I was playing keyboard and singing backup for my friend who also added rhythm with an arsenal of percussion instruments. We mostly did pop songs from the '40s to the '90s wit a few original tunes thrown in.

During our emotional rendition of the classic, "If you don't know me by now," I noticed a lady sitting in one of the lounge chairs across from me. She was swaying to the beat and singing along. After the tune was over, she approached me. "I apologize for singing along on that song. Did it bother you?" she asked. "No," I replied. "We love it when the audience joins in. Would you like to sing up front on the next selection?"

To my delight, she accepted my invitation. "You choose," I said. "What are you in the mood to sing?" "Well...do you know any hymns?" Hymns? This woman didn't know whom she was dealing with. I cut my teeth on hymns. Before I was even born, I was going to church. I gave our guest singer a knowing look. "Name one."

"Oh I don't know. There are so many good ones. You pick one." "Okay," I replied, "How about 'His eye is on the Sparrow'?" My new friend was silent, her eyes averted. Then she fixed her eyes on me and said, "Yeah. Lets do that one."

She slowly nodded her head, put down her purse, straightened her jacket and faced the center of the shop. With my two-bar setup she began to sing. Why should I be discouraged? Why should the shadows come?

The audience of coffee drinkers was transfixed. Even the gurgling noises of the cappuccino machines ceased as the employees stopped what they were doing to listen. The song rose to its conclusion. I sing because I'm happy; I sing because I'm free. For His eye is on the Sparrow, and I know he watches me.

When the applause crescendoed to a deafening roar that would have rivaled a sold out crowd at Carnegie Hall. Embarrassed, the woman tried to shout over the din, "Oh, y'all go back to your coffee! I didn't come in here to give a concert! I just came in here to get something to drink, just like you!" But the ovation continued.

I embraced my new friend. "You, my dear, have made my whole year! That was beautiful!" She said, "Well, its funny that you picked that particular hymn," she paused,"that was my daughters favorite song." "Really!" I exclaimed. "Yes," she said, and then grabbed my hands. By this time the applause had subsided and it was business as usual. "She was 16. She died of a brain tumor last week."

I said the first thing that found its way through my stunned silence. "Are you going to be okay?" She smiled through tear filled eyes and squeezed my hands. "I'm going to be okay. I've just got to keep trusting the Lord and singing his songs, and everything's gonna be just fine." She picked up her bag, gave me her card, and then she was gone.

Was it just a coincidence that we happened to be singing in that particular coffee shop on that particular November night? Coincidence that this wonderful lady just happened to walk into that particular shop? Coincidence that of all the hymns to choose from, I just happened to choose the very hymn that was the favorite of her daughter, who had died just the week before?

I refuse to believe it. God had been arranging encounters in human history since the beginning of time, and its no stretch for me to imagine that he could reach into a coffee shop in midtown Manhattan and turn an ordinary gig into a revival. It was a great reminder that if we keep trusting Him and singing His songs, everything's gonna be okay. The next time you feel like God cant use YOU, just remember....
*Abraham was too old
*Isaac was a daydreamer
*Jacob was a liar
*Leah was ugly
*Joseph was abused
*Moses had a stuttering problem
*Gideon was afraid
*Sampson had long hair and was a womanizer
*Rahab was a prostitute
*Jeremiah and Timothy were too young
*David had an affair and was a murderer
*Elijah was suicidal
*Isaiah preached naked
*Jonah ran from God
*Naomi was a widow
*Job went bankrupt
*Peter denied Christ
*The disciples fell asleep while praying
*Martha was worried about everything
*The Samaritan woman was divorced, more than once
*Zaccheus was too small
*Paul was too religious
*Timothy had an ulcer
*Lazarus was dead!

No more excuses now! God can use you to your full potential. Besides, you arent the message, just the messenger!

I'm so glad that God arranged for my friend to find this and that it would make her think of me enough to make sure that I got to read it too. Thank you Amber!

May Butterfly Mommies Giveaway

2010-05-03T17:36:00.008-05:00

Butterfly Mommies is at it again, Yay! This months giveaway question is;

How have your relationships been affected by your loss? (with God, your husband, yours and your husband's parents, your siblings, your living children, and/or friendships?) If you could convey to others one thing about yourself that would help them understand what you both need to maintain your relationship what would that be?

With God; My relationship with God was very very strained the first few months. I was so angry that He let this happen and that He didn't intervene on my behalf. I would pray but not have conversations with Him like I had before. I would pray for others and that was it. I didn't speak to him about myself or anything pertaining to me. I think I just needed space to be angry. To process those feeling of rage and disappointment and sorrow. But then slowly I began to pray and have conversations with Him again, but minimally. I don't think I really got the fact that it is okay to feel that way that I was feeling. That He could handle it and He could understand it more than anyone else. When I'm angry now I know that I can bring that to Him that He wants me to hand it over to Him so that He can comfort me. Which in the end He always does.

With my husband;I had trouble understanding his way of grieving. I couldn't understand how he could just pick up and move on so quickly afterwards. I felt like because he was being so strong that he didn't care as much as I did. That loosing Bryston wasn't as life altering to him as to me. And another thing, that if I'm going to be honest here, is feeling that on some level somewhere deep down he blamed me. I worried alot about him leaving. That I would loose him too and be all alone with this. One night I asked him all of it. He said that of coarse he was sad and of coarse he missed Bryston and wished that he was here, but that he didn't want to spend the rest of his life hiding from the world like I had been. He said he didn't blame me at all and that he loved me and that he knew how hard this was for me. He said that I would always have a stronger bond with our babies because I had more time with them so of coarse our grief would be different. And then he helped me slowly make my way back into the world. He held me and let me cry when I had a hard time or was just plain ole dealing with it all and he still does. I think we learned alot about each other and were still learning. The good, bad, and ugly but he's still here. And that's what counts. We've dealt with alot and we've only been married for 2 years but I think that the very fact that we're still here and thriving says alot our relationship and our love and respect for each other.

With our parents; You know I think the only thing to change in our relationship with both sets of parents is how much more I respect them as parents. Both of our parents have had experiences with m/c's. They're guidance and support has been crucial to our coping. We are so blessed to have them all in our corner.

With my siblings; I also have a new respect for my sisters. They both have also had experiences as well. Each one was on a different end of the gestation chart, but I could lean on them both in different ways. My sisters are the best! They cry with me and cheer me on even when I don't deserve it. Phone calls, cards, food, errands, and even gifts in honor of my babies from them are another way that I know that they too lost someone. That they cared and they are grieving the loss of a nephew with me. They remember, which is a big thing for me. They let me talk about Bryston and Peanut and I don't have to censer myself is a huge thing.

I don't have any living children so I cant elaborate on this one but I'd imagine it would have made me all the more loving and greatful towards them. How blessed those of you are that can answer this question!

With my friendships; This one has made or broke friendships. I think this was one of the most hurtful things I dealt with afterwards. The total and absolute absence of communication with some friends. They acted as if nothing happened. No calls, no emails, no texts, no visits to see how I was dealing or even to acknowledge the fact that I had had a baby. You really do learn who your friends are when you face tough times. The way I see it is that if they don't care enough to see me through the rough times then they don't deserve to see me through the good times. But on the flip side it has also confirmed some really good friendships. These friends that weather the storms with me will be the same friends who I know will be knocking rocking chairs and canes together later. These girls are my lifeline because I never knew how isolating grief could be. How alone I could feel even in the presence of others but with them I feel an old piece of myself again. And the new friends that I've never met in person but talk to regularly online through this blog and facebook. People that I can be brutally honest with because they've been there and understand just how confusing this road can be. I am so blessed to have each of you, really and truly.

The one thing that I would say to others about what I need to maintain a relationship with you would be patience and understanding. Please dont ignore my feelings or me in genral. I went through something that most people dont even want to have a nightmare about and that is important enough to talk about. I need to say my son's name and I need you to say it occasionally too. I need you to know that I am not the same person that I was before my son. I have changed and I do not see things the same way anymore. If you love me, you'll understand and want to get to know this new woman who Im still getting to know myself. Just be there, that's all, and let me be there too.

IBLM gifts for all of you!!!!

2010-04-30T23:21:00.040-05:00

International Babylost Mother's Day is the first Sunday of May each year. This year it is Sunday the 2nd. IBMD recognizes babylost women all over the world as mothers. Just because a woman loses her first baby does not mean that she is not a mother anymore. She will be a mother for the rest of her life. On this special day in May we come together to celebrate our connection, our children and our hope for the future. IBMD is a day for love, peace, remembrance and recognition.

If you know a babylost woman why not tell her today that she is a beautiful mother.
~United in grief, we find love and strength.~

I wish that I could send each of you a card to celebrate this special day but that would cost a small fortune in stamps and I don't have access to all of your addresses so I made an e-card of sorts for all of you. (If you do not see your child/children's name please let me know and I will get one done for you)

I hope all of you have a peacefull day tomorrow as we remember our angels and that we are all beautiful mommies! God Bless.

We have a Winner!

2010-04-30T12:09:00.006-05:00

I drew the names out of a hat to determine the winner of the Mustard Seed Mission giveaway that I held. The winner of this beautiful sterling silver mustard seed necklace is Michelle! Congrats Michelle! Please email me your address @ jenn_624@hotmail.com so I can get your gift sent out to you asap!

Please watch for the next Mustard Seed Mission giveaway! I still need to get all the details of this one squared away before I post it. Thank you to all of you who entered and completed your random act of kindness!

Blog Award

2010-04-27T17:18:00.009-05:00

I recently received the Happy 101 Award, Yay! Thank you April! Awards are so much fun and they give me a break from posting on the sad stuff all the time. This one is super fun since you get to think about the happier things in life!

The rules of this award are:
1. copy and paste the award on your blog.
2. list who gave the award to you and use a link to her/his blog (or hyperlink).
3. list 10 things that make you happy.
4. pass the award on to other bloggers

Okay, ten things that make me happy are;

1. Sleeping in, LOL! If you know me IRL then you are well aware that I need my sleep or I just do not function normally. Waking me up early is BAD, just bad so please do not attempt this without proper head gear and medical professionals! :)

2. My Family. I have by far one of best most loving and supportive families out there. I shudder to think of the type of person I might have turned into without them by my side guiding and encouraging me. And this includes my husband. Ty is more than I could have ever dreamed of in a husband, enough said LOL!

3. Good Books. Reading is my favorite pastime. I have a ton of books and they are not even close to being enough. I have read and re-read most of them at least 3 times. Books stores are my biggest shopping weakness next to shoes.

4. Food, Food, and more Food. I have a healthy appetite and I am a very typical corn fed Iowan girl. Pass the meat and potatoes my way and I am a happy girl. The running joke around our house at family dinners is that I will go last in line because there wouldn't be enough left for anyone else if I went first, LOL! (They are right:)

5. Long evening walks. Either alone with my ipod and thoughts or with my Mom. I walk alot and I love being outdoors when the weather permits.

6. Sparrow visits. It never fails to put a smile on my face each time I get one. They are so special to me. My little messages from Bryston brighten any day no matter how bad its been.

7. Massages. Need I say more?

8. Shopping for just about anything puts me in a good mood. When you find that great fitting pair of jeans or find that amazing purse you've been coveting for ages, well there is just no better feeling in my book, LOL!

9. Doing something nice for someone else. I think my favorite time of year is Christmas for this. My family and I anonymously choose a family or person in need and find a way of getting them special gifts, food or even money. Knowing that they have no one to thank but God lifts my spirits each time!

10. Watching movies. I love love love going to the movies! But I also enjoy renting and spending a lazy night cuddled up with Ty watching the latest releases.

Okay well there you have my 10 things, now its time to nominate 7 others!

1. Seraphim @ Ah, the possibilities.
2. Jen @ Attemting to love life without her.
3. Celia @ Beauty From Pain
4. Destiny @ Daddy's Dream~Mommy's Miracle
5. Megan @ Graceful Willows
6. Katy @ In Hannah's Honor
7. Danielle @ Letting Go and Letting God

Well that was fun! I cant wait to see all of your happy things! God Bless!

9 Months

2010-04-24T17:05:00.008-05:00

9 months of tears

9 months of pleading with God

9 months of wondering why

9 months of sparrow visits

9 months of too few ups and way too many downs

9 months of waiting

9 months of empty arms

9 months of hoping he can hear

9 months of being an angle mommy

9 months of watching the world pass him by

9 months of endless minutes without him

9 months too many......

Well its official, Bryston has now been gone for longer than we had him with us. I knew it would come but was hoping that I might still be able to wake up from a bad anesthesia trip in the hospital in time to greet my little man, but we all know that that's not happening. This is a weird feeling. Knowing that I've gone without him longer than I actually had him. I'm not sure how to put it into words. It just is and it sucks. So what now? Is it always going to be like this? Counting down the time away from him? I hate this. I hate that all I can ever say about Bryston is what I've already said a million times before. I won't ever get to tell new stories or take new pictures or make new memories with him. God this just really isn't fair! When does my life get to be easy for a change? Why am I always the one with the short straw? I know I'm being whiny here but c'mon! Seriously, whats next God?! Here's where I want to stomp my foot and shake my fist, but really why? God is in control and I cant do a thing to change any of this. I just wish that I could be more, I don't know, accepting of his plans for me. Its just hard when the plan so far is this. I want a re-write and I want it NOW!

Just Wondering???

2010-04-19T18:00:00.006-05:00

*******************************************************************************
For those of you who have recently lost a child please skip this post. I do not want to offend you and the following might be hurtful for you to read.
********************************************************************************

I'm just wondering, is it normal that I am handling Peanut's loss better than Bryston's? I feel awful that I don't feel worse. Why is Peanut so much easier? Is it because I was so early with her and went so much farther with Bryston? I wanted Peanut very badly, so why am I doing so well with this? Did I not have enough time to bond with her? I don't want her to think that she was wanted any less. That I loved her any less. So why do I feel this way? Have any of you felt this way too? Does this make me a bad person or a bad mom? I really hope not. I just don't understand why most of my thoughts are centered around Bryston and not Peanut. Please don't misunderstand, I grieved the loss of Peanut and it was hard initially but now its just different. I wish I had the right words to explain this. I'm ashamed that I'm not taking her loss harder because she really truly wasn't less wanted or less loved. Am I the only one who is feeling like this? Is this okay or is there something wrong here?

Halfway Point

2010-04-15T20:19:00.007-05:00

Just a quick reminder that you still have 15 days to complete your act of kindness and enter my giveaway away HERE. The winner will receive a Sterling Silver Mustard Seed Necklace. Written on the back of the necklace is: If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed....nothing shall be impossible unto you MATT.17.20. Good Luck!!!

I wouldn't ask you all to do a random act of kindness and not do one myself, so I wanted to tell you all what I chose to do for mine. And I must say, I am super excited about this one! A week ago I went to a Casting Crowns concert and during the intermission they played a video that I've seen a time or two before but not thought much of it. It was a video for World Vision. World Vision is an organization dedicated to sponsoring the worlds neediest children from a variety of different locations all over the world. But then the lead singer of Casting Crown starting speaking about this organization and how he decided to sponsor a child he affectionately calls Bo for lack of proper pronunciation skills :) He went on to say that he chose this child because of his birthday. His son and Bo share the same birth date. He then said that we could all choose if we would like to to pick a child by birth date! I knew when he said this that I was in. I signed up to sponsor a child somewhere in the world who shares Bryston's birthday! I am so excited about this! What better way to honor Bryston than this? I am waiting to receive a package in the mail and to see a photo of this special little person! I cant wait to get this! For $35.00 a month I can drastically change this child's life as well as honor my sweet boy! So there you have it, that is my random act.

If you would like to check out World Vision you can check out there site at http://www.worldvision.org

Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." ~Luke 6:38~

A generous man will himself be blessed, for he shares his food with the poor.
~Proverbs 22:9~

The winner will be drawn on April 30th. I will do my best to announce the winner that day but if for unseen reasons occur I will announce the winner within a day or so of the 30th. Good Luck!

(((Hugs From Bryston)))

2010-04-12T15:25:00.007-05:00

I just wanted to share a something with you guys. When my husband told me I smiled and knew that Bryston was sending us a hug that day. I meant to post this earlier but I had gotten busy with work and the day to day stuff around here, you know how that goes.

First I have to explain how this came about. Ty's a volunteer fireman here in our small town. He is the Training officer. One of the volunteers runs a cadet program through our fire department. The cadets are high school seniors who join the program and get to learn the ropes of firefighting. Ty assists this program and helps out with alot of the trainings. A few weeks ago they decided to hold a dive training night. So they went to a fellow firefighters family home to practice scuba training in their pool. Color me jealous, I'd love a pool LOL! But anyways, not the point, They were all taking turns getting into the water, submerging and learning to use the dive equipment.

Ty said when he got into the water to assist one the cadets she starting looking at him and his tattoo strangely. He asked her what was wrong and she asked why he had the name Bryston tattooed on his arm. So he told her. Her response to him is what made me smile. She said that that was her boyfriends name. Not only is his name Bryston it's Bryston Ray! How weird is that! Do you know how uncommon the name Bryston is? I have tried and tried to find the meaning of the name on search engines and it comes up as an unknown name other that the name for some stereo speakers brand. And even weirder that the two name would be put together! How neat it that!

Also yesterday while Ty was out golfing he noticed something cool in the clouds. Do you see it?

It looks to us like the clouds are in the shape of a bird taking flight! For a long time I couldn't look at the clouds without seeing a sparrow shape. I even took a photo of one of them but accidentally lost it off my camera before I could download it onto our computer. I'm so happy Ty caught this with his phone.

P.S. We got good news today that Ty got the job he had interviewed for a week or so ago. I am so thrilled because now he'll have regular 40 hours a week again plus benefits! Yay! He is the new Assistant Manager of Hyvee here in our town. Another reason that I am so happy with this is he has room for advancement which most of his other jobs that wasn't even a possibility. Things are starting to look up, finally! He has been doing 2 part time jobs without benefits since he was laid off from his other job 2 years ago.

"For I know the plans I have you says the Lord, they are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope". ~Jeremiah 29:11~

2010-04-11T01:18:00.005-05:00

It's funny that I still catch myself thinking, he's really not coming home, he's not coming home ever. When will this stop feeling like a bad dream? I just feel like such a big part of me is missing now. How did this happen? When did this become my life? Some days it just doesn't feel real to me. I just want so badly to go back to last summer, to relive my time with him. It was so short. I didn't get enough time....I just want more time.

Lord, help me to be content with your plan for me. Help me to find the peace and strength I need to navigate this life without him. I know that your with me and that I can do all things through you. This just seems like too much for me right now. I need you to hold my hand in this darkness and help me climb out of this pit. Give me the grace I need. Guide my steps by your will and help me to trust those steps are on steady ground. ~Amen~

Beautiful Blogger Award X2

2010-04-06T12:25:00.012-05:00

I have been nominated by Deni and Nan for the Beautiful Blog Award! Thank you so much for the award, I am honored!

Here are the rules for the award:

~Thank the person who nominated you and link to their blog.

~Copy the award and paste it to your blog.

~Tell us 7 interesting facts about yourself.

~Nominate 7 bloggers that you love and link to their blog.

Okay, 7 interesting facts about little ole me, hmmm....

1. My astrological sign is Cancer. If you hadn't known that before meeting me, you probably could have guessed it pretty accurately as I'm a pretty typical cancerian girl. Shy at first, fiercely loyal, a caretaker type who retreats to her shell if feeling threatened or hurt. A bit quick tempered but also quick to forgive, not forget :) And I love the water and full moons which is also typical of cancer signs.

2. It might surprise you to know that I am a smoker. I don't often share that information because I'm not proud of it. I will be going on Chantex soon to try to kick the habit that I picked back up full force after loosing Peanut in December. Wish me luck, I had a really hard time kicking it the first time so please send those prayers!

3. I'm a bugaphobe, if that's even a word, LOL. I hate all creepy crawly critters, but my biggest fear is spiders. You've all seen the crazy people on t.v. jumping out of their chairs doing the crazy get it off me dance, well that dance is pretty common in my household, :) P.S. A tip for other bugaphobes like me, spiders hate hedge balls. My husband and I place several throughout our home and it works like a charm!

4. I think I've shared this one before but I'll pull it out again, My arms/elbows are double jointed. I've freaked many out that I can invert my elbows and pretty much turn my arm around. When I was a cheerleader posing for team photos the girls kept telling me to straighten out my arms but it's almost impossible for me to do that with elbows that lie a bit off kilter.

5. I love to read. I go through books like water. But not educational books, LOL, just plain old fiction. There is just something about book stores that draws me in like a moth to a flame. I could spend hours in there browsing the book shelves.

6. I don't like large crowds. They make me nervous. All the noise and people leave me feeling uneasy. I'd much rather be at home playing games or having a small BBQ with friends then be out at a club or bar. To much judgement and chaos at those places for me. Another typical cancer trait, being a homebody.

7. I have a business degree that I don't use. I started out in college taking nursing classes but switched to business. I used it once working as a retail assistant manager but wasn't making enough money in our small town so I fell back into the health care industry. I now work for a company taking care of the disabled and I enjoy it. But one day I'd like to start my own business. I've been saying this for so long it's starting to feel a bit like a pipe dream, LOL. Babies and Business are my biggest aspirations at the moment and I'm really hoping that at least the baby part will become more than a dream.

And now to nominate 7 other bloggers for this award!

Holly from Caring for Carleigh

Lindsy at Dandelion Dreams

Jen at Lilly's Mommy Forever

Bree at My Baby Butterfly Ella

Lisette at Sami's Blog

Michelle at The Ramirez Family

Beth at Still My Baby
(Also please send some love and encouragement to Beth today, she has just heard those awful words again and has lost her rainbow. Please send lots of prayers for her family. They will be needing them.)

New Gallery Pics

2010-04-05T16:17:00.026-05:00

This has been a busy week for all of you doing name gallery photo's! I love each of them soo much! Each time I get one I cant help but smile and think, they haven't forgotten my babies and I feel so blessed! Thank you so much to each of you for taking the time to remember with me.

From Danielle, Wyatt's mommy.

From Lisette, Sami's mommy.

From Michelle, Jaunito's mommy

From Beth, Kathlyn's mommy

From Jen, Lilly's mommy.

There is no remembrance of people of old, and even those who are yet to come will not be remembered by those who follow them. ~Ecclesiastes 1:11~

(Also don't forget to enter my Mustard Seed Mission giveaway here!)

Butteryfly Mommies April Giveaway

2010-03-31T09:32:00.007-05:00

Butterfly Mommies is holding another giveaway for the month of April. Click the link to their site and enter as well!

This month they are asking; What forms of support helped you the most during your time of loss and even now? How would you recommend other people support grieving mothers? (As we know, many times people who love us often don't know what to say or how to act)

I had such a hard time after loosing Bryston, I basically put myself into a kind of hermit mode. I didn't want to leave the house and if I did, I didn't want to go by myself. I spent many weeks locked in the house hiding from the world. I guess I thought that if I hid that it would all go away. I didn't think that I could trust myself and my emotions in public so I did my best to avoid people outside the family. I would drive a town over to go grocery shopping if I had to. I did whatever it took to not run into someone that I might have to talk to. Someone that might set me off in a public place, which is still something I deal with 8 months later, the fear of being unable to keep my composure.

I spent weeks reading books about miscarriages and baby loss and blogging myself out of my grief stricken world. But for me, my biggest support was my family. My parents cooked meals, brought me my medicines, and took me on drives just to get out the house. They fielded questions from curious neighbors and took care of all the things they knew I wasn't strong enough to handle. My mother even screened the books, cards and messages that I had received to make sure that there was nothing in them that might be hard for me to deal with.

One morning I woke up to find my mother on my front lawn planting a memorial garden for Bryston. A week later my parents took my husband and I on a week long trip to Alabama to see my sister. They listened while I sobbed and prayed for me to find peace and strength. My family helped me take those first few steps back into the day to day life, and let me go at my own pace. Looking back, I remember asking Ty how he could just jump back into life so easily when I could barley go to Walmart by myself. And his answer was so straight forward and to the point. He said, "Because we cant hide from this. It's hard, but we cant stay at home forever." Ty encouraged me to get out on my own little by little. And I did, slowly. He held me as I sobbed and recounted my first encounter with someone who hadn't heard and had asked how our baby was doing. They listened to me and tried to help me understand what was happening when nothing made sense anymore and when they didn't have the answers they prayed. And I cannot stress that enough, about the prayers. Without those prayers I might just still be curled up in a ball locked in my bedroom. So please, never stop praying for me or for any of us. Prayer moves mountains and I am living proof of that.

As for what I would recommend as far as what to do for grieving families, I'd suggest all of the above. Be there if asked and don't be offended if you're not. Sometimes all I needed was to with my family and those closest to Bryston. Cook a meal or run a few errands for them, because who knows how long it will take before they can even manage to do these for themselves again. Its the small things in life that were hardest for me. Pray, Pray, and then Pray some more. God is the one true comforter in this life and only He will truly understand what that person needs. Send a card that says you're sorry for thier loss and thinking of them and praying. Do not offer advice or relay a horror story of how your cousins girlfriend had 5 miscarriages before conceiving a healthy live baby. I had this happen several times and was petrified that I would go through this again. Do not offer the cliche sayings like God will only give you what you can handle or You'll have another. This only made me madder at God and at the well meaning individuals. Grief for me went hand in hand with anger at God and at the situation. Bible scripture meant to comfort me sent me into a blind rage. I remember being told that God knew my baby before he formed him in my womb and my reaction was to scream, "If he knew him then he knew that this would happen and He did nothing to save him!" It was irrational but it's how I reacted at the time. I'm not proud of that but it is how I felt at the time. I reacted much better to the I'm sorries and we're praying. And I beg of you, do not ignore that this happened. You may not know what to say or do and that's okay, but if you do not acknowledge the fact that I had and lost my baby, chances are I probably wont acknowledge you on the street the next time I see you. It's hurtfull not to.

Boy this turned out longer winded than I intended, LOL! Guess I had more to say tonight than I thought I did. Dont forget to hop on over to Butterfly Mommies to enter the giveaway!

Brystons Name Gallery

2010-03-28T15:56:00.043-05:00

I've gotten another photo for Bryston's name gallery and I also made a few myself. The first one is from Destiny, Braxton's mommy from Lafayette, Indiana. The photo was taken on a Florida beach. Thank you Destiny! I love it!

The following photos I did this afternoon. Ty's golfing today so I had a little extra time on my hands today. Yesterday I went to Bryston's site and the snow was completely gone, which means spring is coming and his first Heavenly Birthday is fast approaching. *Sigh* Will the seasons ever be anything else now but a time table for how far away from my time with him is getting?

Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity. ~Henry van Dyke~

For everything there is a season,
And a time for every matter under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to seek, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate,
A time for war, and a time for peace.

~Ecclesiastes 3:1-8~

Birds sing after a storm; why shouldn't people feel as free to delight in whatever remains to them? ~Rose F. Kennedy

Unveiling of The Mustard Seed Mission

2010-03-27T18:53:00.023-05:00

For awhile now I've been wondering what Bryston and Peanut's lives would have been like. Who would they have been? What would they have loved/hated in life? And then I had a thought, I will never know what their potential could have led into, but I can make sure that it doesn't end with them growing their heavenly wings. And I began to think about how every day has the potential to be a good day or a bad day which led to me thinking that every situation we find ourselves in daily have potential to be something bigger and better too. So without further adieu, I am proud to unveil;

The Mustard Seed Mission is what I came up with. I will hold a giveaway, I'm hoping to make this a regular thing, but for now lets just see how well this goes. To enter you must complete a random act of kindness. You have a month to complete the act. Leave a comment that your act is completed and what it was. For a second entry, blog about your act of kindness in detail with a link back to my blog.(Leave a second comment so that I know your blog is published) You may enter again if you do more than one act of kindness. (You may combine blog posts on your acts, just leave another comment for each act.) I love the idea of changing the world one act of kindness at a time, and what better way to do than in honor of my babies?! I'm pretty excited about this and even more excited to see what you all come up with and how far these acts will spread.

The first prize will be a Sterling Silver MUSTARD SEED/FAITH VERSE Charm Necklace.

The necklace length is 18" Written on the back is: If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed....nothing shall be impossible unto you MATT.17.20.

The winner will be announced April 30th.

To Write of Not to Write?

2010-03-23T13:02:00.015-05:00

Have you ever done something that you werent sure was the right thing to do? I'm sure I know the answer to that, because lets face it, who hasn't? Do you remember the post I published about the fb status updates and how I realized that I have no right to burst these mommies innocent bubbles? Well I came across something today and realized that I already had done that maybe unfairly to a woman in September.

Ty and I have been remodeling our basement since last May, I know, I know that's almost a year later and it's still not finished, your preaching to the choir, LOL! Well anyways, because our washer and dryer hookup is in the basement I've been going to our local Laundromat to do our washing. (An entirely different post in itself because these places are disgusting!)

Anyways, this past September as I was doing our laundry, in walked a woman and her son. I sat reading my book while our clothing was drying and was pretty amused by her little boy. He was so full of energy and life! And adorable to boot. He was being a bit ornery running around the building being loud, but just being a kid. A normal healthy kid doing what bored kids do. He ran past me several times then stopped and asked, "Whats your name?" I told him and he abruptly took off running around the room again before stopping several times to tell me about his spider man toys at home and such. His mother busy doing laundry and using fowl language on her cell phone was getting irritated by her son and very loudly began screaming at this kid. She even at one point grabbed his arm, roughly, and pulled him into a seat. She was clearly annoyed and I was getting a little worried for the little man as she seemed a little to comfortable acting this way.

While I was folding my laundry I continued to listen to her badger this poor child and it was about all I could take to not say something. But I bit my tongue. Until I heard her whisper something to him and I could hear the menacing tone of her voice but not clearly the words and something snapped inside me. I had just lost my son and here she was treating hers like a total inconvenience at best. So I took a piece of paper out of my purse and I began to write her a letter. (I took a picture of it with my phone) Here is word for word what I wrote;

I am sorry to intrude, but I wanted to share something with you. This summer I lost my son. I would give anything to have him here with me running around and being ornery. I know that your probably a little tired and overworked, and I am not judging you in anyway. I just wanted to let you know how very very lucky you are to have your son here with you.

And then I handed the note to her son and told him to give it to his mommy and I walked out. I drove out of the parking lot bawling. Why had I done that? Was I right to say anything to her? I don't know now, but that day, I had never been more sure of anything in my life. She needed to know how lucky she was and how good she really has it. But how is this any different than the fb updates? Was I bursting or bubble or trying to save it?

I saw her a few months later in the Walmart parking lot with her adorable son. I probably wouldn't have noticed her or him, but how could I forget that voice again annoyed with her son yelling at him to stop messing around and get into the damn car! I guess my letter didn't have that much of an impact on her anyways. So was it even worth it? In this case I think I'm going to have to yes. Maybe one day she'll find that letter stuffed into her purse or coat jacket and be in the right frame of mind to actually care enough to see what I was trying to say.

“Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy.”
Proverbs 31:8-9

Have it Your Way by Britt Nicole

2010-03-22T00:52:00.006-05:00

Such a beautiful song. I had to share!

Do They Know?

2010-03-19T21:10:00.008-05:00

Ty and I just got home from eating at our local Chinese restaurant. While we were eating our appetizers of egg rolls and fried ragune a group of 3 women, a young girl about 8, and a baby not quite yet one I would assume walked in and sat a few tables over. They hadn't even sat yet and I noticed this baby staring at me. He literally did not take his eyes off me for at least 5 solid minutes before he began to gurgle and play with whatever toy had been sat in front of him. And again several more times during dinner I found this baby boy staring at me for longer than normal periods of time. And this is not something out of the ordinary. It seems like I've these kind of encounters with babies alot since loosing Bryston. Standing in lines at the grocery store or walking by a baby in a shopping cart, its like their eyes are inexplicably drawn to me, craning their delicate necks to see me.

Which leaves me wondering, do they know? Can they somehow sense that my babies are gone? What do they see when they are staring at me? What could possibly be going on inside these babies minds that leave them fascinated by me? Do they know that the site of them rips my heart to pieces? What are their mommies thinking when they look at me? Are they afraid that I'll contaminate them somehow with my misfortune? Can they see through me? Sometimes it sure feels that way. Do I wear my grief written all over my face? I don't know? I thought I was doing a good job of putting on a brave face in public but maybe I'm not doing as good of a job as I thought.

I don't get it? What am I missing here? I guess I'll never know the answers which just leaves me here tonight scratching my head with a belly full of yummy Chinese.

Hmmm....

2010-03-16T18:21:00.006-05:00

Just a quick excerpt from another Jodie Picoult book that I found myself relating to. This one's from her book, Nineteen Minutes.

Nobody wants to admit to this, but bad things will keep on happening. Maybe that's because it's all a chain, and a long time ago someone did the first bad thing, and that led someone else to do another bad thing, and so on. You know, like that game where you whisper a sentience into someones ear, and that person whispers it to someone else, and it all comes out wrong in the end.
But then again, maybe bad things happen because it's the only way we can keep remembering what good is suppose to look like.

I read that and just went hmmm, I like that. I like her reasoning here. That bad things just sometimes happen and that they will continue to happen but that maybe just maybe we might have a deeper appreciation for the good things in life that we do have left. I'm trying to do that. Some days its harder than others but I think I really am better at it than before. I have a choice here, to stare at all that I've lost and to loose myself in it or to look away a little more and see the sunshine outside my window. Not that I wont have bad days but at least I can choose to enjoy those few not so bad days and not beat myself up about it to bad.

Knowledge is Power? I think not....

2010-03-12T17:51:00.009-06:00

I was sitting at work last week when one of my clients handed me a memo. The memo was for the annual bowling outing for all the clients and a sign up sheet. As I was having my client sign up I had a thought. Last year, on the day of the bowling outing I took my first pregnancy test. I found out that we were expecting Bryston on that day, one year ago.

*Sigh*

A year already? I guess technically it was a little over a year ago because it was after the bowling outing that I had my first OB appointment to confirmed I was pregnant on March 2nd of last year. I was 8 weeks already at that appointment. I had assumed that I was somewhere near 5 or 6 weeks at that appointment. My doctor laughed and said, "This little bean has got to be the chubbiest 5 weeker I've ever seen! You're a little farther than you thought."

I still remember showing Ty the pregnancy tests, I took 2 just to be sure. He took them and asked, "What does this mean?" I said, "I'm pregnant," and burst into tears. Looking back now, I think how silly it was that I was upset. Had I known what a little miracle Bryston was to become, I would have been singing for joy. And had I known how badly I want him now I could kick myself for even questioning that blessing.

The time is just flying by. I hate it. I want to go back in time and warn myself that day. I could have told myself to be more careful, to pay more attention to those pains on the 21st of July. To enjoy every single second of the time I had with him. I was so damn ungrateful about it all. All I could think about at the time was how much my life was about to change and worry about how I would be at being this babies mama. Its so ironic now that I would give anything to have my life in an upheaval if it meant having him here again. That my life is still so different anyhow now without him and Peanut in it it's almost unbearable. How did I not see it? Why is this happening to me? To all of you? I don't think I'll ever stop asking why. I suppose that even if I had those answers that they wouldn't be enough. It could never be enough. My babies are still gone, answers or not.

The bowling outing is next weekend, my weekend to work. I'm really not sure how I'm going to handle being back there again, knowing what I know now. God, what I wouldn't give to give that knowledge back. Whoever said knowledge is power is an idiot. I would give just about anything to be blissfully ignorant on this matter again and have my babies here with me.

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.
~Mark Twain~

Where ignorance is bliss, 'Tis folly to be wise.
~Thomas Gray~

You can swim all day in the Sea of Knowledge and still come out completely dry. Most people do. ~Norman Juster~

See what I mean? I think I'm on to something here :)

Please Read & Help!

2010-03-11T21:48:00.006-06:00

Ebe over at Waiting For The Day,http://riskingloss.blogspot.com/ shared this on her blog and I am begging each of you to please do your part!

U S Congress. Senator Frank Lautenberg of New Jersey and Representative Frank Pallone, Jr. are sponsoring a Bill which if passed will do more for stillbirth prevention than anything every attempted in the past. When passed it will be a gift to every woman in America, those who have lost a baby to stillbirth, and those who have miraculously been spared.

With all the press given over to health care, the jobs bill and the budget debate, it's hard for stillbirth prevention to gain traction, unless we parents push it personally.

Marian Sokol, President of First Candle, is spearheading the effort. We at National Stillbirth Society are helping by getting out the word that every mother, father, grandparent, sister, brother, and friend has to join in. See the email we received from First Candle. It simplifies the task of writing your Senators and Representatives.

Tell them why they should sign on as co-sponsors of the legislation. Here is Marian's email. You're at your computer reading this. Take a few minutes now to let them hear from you. Thank you.

National Stillbirth Society
Richard K. Olsen, Founder
www.stillnomore.org
nss@cox.net

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Today, First Candle is requesting your help. Just a few minutes of your time can help propel a movement that has the potential to save thousands of babies’ lives for future generations to come.

We are joining our friends at the C. J. Foundation for SIDS to seek co-sponsors for S.1445 and H.R. 3212 - The Stillbirth and SUID Prevention, Education and Awareness Act. This act is sponsored by D-NJ Senator Frank Lautenberg and Congressman Frank Pallone, Jr., and is quite simply the single most promising piece of legislation crafted in the past decade to promote infant survival and address the sudden unexpected deaths of babies and young children to SIDS, SUID, SUDC and Stillbirth.

An incredible amount of legislative staff time has been put into understanding the issues and defining ways in which we can reduce the risk for future families.

Nothing you can do today will have more meaning and prevent more tragic losses.

Please contact your Congressional leaders in the House and Senate today!

By clicking on the following link provided by the C.J. Foundation for SIDS, it will be easy to type in your zip code and automatically direct your letter to the appropriate congressional offices. You may personalize the letter or send the template as is.

http://m1e.net/c?91973248-NmAVUlQ9/1oA.%405118967-l6oUbJU.Rh7dk

My personal goal is to have a minimum of 83 co-sponsors by Mothers’ Day . . . equivalent to the number of babies who are stillborn plus the number of babies who die of sudden unexpected infant or child death everyday here in the United States.

Won’t you please help?????????? Please do it in honor of the babies and children whom you love in your life.

Thanks from the bottom of my heart!!!

Marian Sokol, PhD
President of First Candle

I WILL NOT SAY GOODBYE!

2010-03-09T15:55:00.008-06:00

A good friend of mine brought this video to my attention. I knew that I had to share it with all of you. This friend of mine, Holly, lost her little girl Brooklyn to Leukemia a year ago. Brooklyn was the happiest little girl I've ever had the pleasure to meet. She fought a long hard battle with a smile on her face each and every day. I remember attending her visitation and trying to keep it together and how hard that was. And I remember thinking how strong Holly and her husband were and that I could never ever be as strong or composed as them. But that was before. And now she is a sister in grief. When I need to talk she is there and she understands what I'm going through. She has since been blessed with another daughter, Morgan. Holly gives me hope everyday that maybe one day soon, I will be able to too.

Be sure to pause my music player at the bottom of the page before playing this video. And also be sure to have tissues on hand. I wasn't able to make it through without tears but it's just so beautiful and I wanted to share it. Enjoy and BIG HUGS to each of you.

Bryston & Peanut,

I will never say goodbye sweet peas. I carry you in my heart with me everyday where ever I go. It's so hard here without you, but I'm trying. I want to make you proud. I cant have you here with me so I will carry your memories with me. You will be there in my laughter and in my sorrows. With every breath I take, you will be my air. When I watch the sun set each night, you will be there in the last rays of light before the darkness creeps in. When the wind whips through my hair it will be you kissing my burdens away. I love you both so much more than you could possibly understand. Or maybe you do understand from where you at, I hope you do. I hope you can feel my love on that side of Heaven. Mommy misses you both so much. So for now, send mommy a big wind and lots of kisses my angels. I love you.

Mama

Life's Just Not Fair

2010-03-08T12:44:00.009-06:00

The last few days I've been thinking about all these FB status updates I keep seeing from new/pregnant mommies all about how being pregnant sucks or how their babies kept them up all night. And each comment all I could think was, "Don't you know how lucky you are" and "You should be grateful that you're child's alive and here to keep you up all night!" And on a few particularly whiny posts I even started to leave comments to these effects, but I quickly deleted them before sharing them.

I just realized that no matter how mad or disgusted these comments make me feel, it has nothing to do with them. It's not fair of me to say these things to them. It's not them that I'm mad at. Its me for thinking these things. Who do I think I am? I mean really. That is their reality not mine. The things they're saying are normal. That's the way it's suppose to be, not the other way around. They are entitled to these posts and that innocence. They don't know what they're saying hurts me and they're most defiantly not trying to do so. They have no idea what its like to be on the outside looking in. To have held your deceased child and watch as others take theirs for granted. They don't know. But I do.

So I sit here feeling convicted and pitying myself for having these unfair thoughts. I hate that I've even had these feelings. Its not fair to them and its not fair to me. If this life was fair, I wouldn't be sitting here typing this. I'd be sitting in Bryston's room rocking him to sleep. There would be no reason to even have these feelings and I'd probably be updating status's like these myself. We all would be.

I just wonder now, how many times am I going to learn these lessons over and over in life? I've been told that life's not fair a billion times in my 27 years but today, today it really sank in. Not one day on this Earth will life be fair. Life only becomes fair in the afterlife. Heaven is perfect and until that day, life is simply imperfect. So I guess, I'm just here, waiting for that day.

God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, or sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way. If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.
~unknown~

AH-HA!

2010-03-02T17:41:00.009-06:00

Have you had one of those Ah-ha moments in life when everything just seems to click and you just seem to get it? Well I had one of those moments today. I was sitting on my porch reading and all of a sudden a thought popped into my head. Its not like its a new revelation or anything. I've heard this before, but it just all of a sudden made complete sense and I got it in a way I've never gotten it before.

How could I have even for one minute let the loss of my babies separate me from God? He of all people gets it. He's been in my shoes. He lost his son too! He gets it. Of coarse He is mourning with me, not only for me, but for his own lost child and children. Bryston and Peanut were not just my children, they were children of God first!

Ever since July, I have been struggling with this separation that I've felt between God and myself. Don't get me wrong, my faith is strong, but it was just different somehow. Lately when I pray, its more about others. I don't talk to Him the way I use to or rely on Him as much as I had before. And now I know why. I think that I have been wrongly putting space between us because on some level I still blame Him a bit, even though I know that's ridiculous on all levels but I still felt it all the same.

And as if to prove this point, as I kept reading the story began to reiterate this theme. It was like God was highlighting the words in neon yellow before my eyes. Parents who have survived their children understand God in a way that someone who hasn't can never understand God. I should be leaning more on God because He truly gets it. He knows my loss and feels it himself. Duh! How did I miss that?

AH-HA! Light bulb On High Beam! I get it!

I just love it when God intervenes in life this way. It's always been one of my favorite things about Him. That just when you least expect it, there He is. It's like needing to hear a specific song in your car and the first station you turn to, its just starting so you don't miss a bit of it. I love that. That's what it was like today. An old favorite songs that I've heard a million times before but this time, I noticed that the lyrics didn't mean quite what I thought they did. So basically, today I got a great big hug from ABBA himself!

Blog Parade

2010-03-01T16:25:00.025-06:00

Another giveaway being hosted by;http://absartblog.blogspot.com/2010/02/you-all-up-for-some-fun.html, is having a blog party! To enter, visit the site, link up and answer a few of the following fun questions! And because I'm a sucker for giveaways and for answering surveys, here are my responses.

1. What's your favorite time of the day, and why?
I'd have to say late evening. Home from work, dinner and the dishes are finished and its just Ty and I cuddeling on the couch watching tv. I love this time of day to unwind and just be with my husband. Nothing to clean or tend to. Just us two speding time together.

2. If health wasn't an issue, what food could you live off of?
This is hard one for me because I adore food in all forms! I am definatly a little more than a corn fed Iowa girl! Some of my favorites are spaggetti, chinese, and tuna noodle casseroll but I if I only had one to eat for the rest of time itd be fried chicken hands down! Yum! Load me up with mashed potatoes & gravy and corn on the cob! That's my ultimate meal!

3. If you could have one wish granted (besides wishing for more wishes), what would it be?
I think this is too easy and obvious, it'd be to have my babies here with me alive and happy. I would wish that they would outlive me instead of the other way around. That one wish would pacify me for the rest of time.
But if that werent an option I'd probably wish it on something trivial like 50 billion dollars or something, cuz lets face it, who out there wouldnt love some cold hard cash with no strings attached! Me, Me, Me!

4. What's one thing that you get teased about a lot?
How clumsy I am. I dont think theres a wall in this town that I havent walked into, a staircase I havent tripped up, or a single part on my body that I havent bruised in some accidental way. If there is food to spill or something to break, look out!

5. If you could choose one movie, book, or TV show to spend your life in, which would you pick? What type of character would you be?
This ones a hard one for me too, but I think I've setteled on Leave it to Beaver. LOL, I know I know, but I wanted something where everyones problems are always solved within 30 minutes and everyone always gets a happy ending. Babies dont die in shows like that so yes, I'd chose this one, in a world far far away from todays reality shows.

6. If you could have one talent that you don't already have, what would it be?
This would probably be anything artist. Painting, photography, or writing. I love all of these things but Im not really great at any of them. But my ideal existence would be to do all of these things and actually make a living at them. I couldnt imagine a better carrer than that.

7.If money were no object, where would you go on vacation?
I think Id take our orginal honeymoon to Punta Cana in the Dominican Republic. We were all set to have an amazing week an a half at the Excellence Resort on the honeymoon package. I had it all set. Our room had a private patio with its own hot tub overlooking the ocean, massages, romantic dinners, scuba diving and horseback riding. But this never happened. We had a mishap with my passport and didnt even know it untill the day we showed up to board the plan. And because the airline screwed up the time that we cancled we were only refuned half of the cost. So we ended up going to Ponte Verde Beach in Florida instead. It was no were near as grand as what we were suppose to have but we did enjoy ourselfs anyway. I just wish that could have been in our private hot tube listening to the waves.

8. If you were an awesome singer, which genre would you sing?
Probably Country or Christian. I love love love Kari Jobe and Carrie Underwood. It seems like all the music in those genres tell a story.

9. If you could have a $10,000 shopping spree to one store, what would it be?
Easy, Target! You can everything at a Super Target! I could probably have that spent within a month!

10. If you could live in any point in time, when would it be?
Hmmm, I'm pretty traditional so probably the 50's. I like the simplicity of the times and how non-controversial they were. So yes, a housedress with aprons and pearls for me please!

11. If every outfit in your wardrobe had to be one color, what would it be?
Blue, definatly blue in any variation of it. And yes, that would include denim. I live in blue jeans.

12. If you were one of the seven dwarves, which one would you be?
(Doc, Grumpy, Sneezy, Sleepy, Bashful, Happy, or Dopey)
LOL, Sleepy for sure and if you wake me up before the alarm grumpy!

13. What's the last album you listened to?
Album, I dont know for sure. I listen to my ipod and radio the most. I think the last cd I listened to was the Walk the Line Soundtrack. I love this movie and Johnny Cash!

14. What's something we'd be surprised to know about you?
Suprised to learn, Hmmm? I am the youngest of 3 girls. When I was five I found a penny that I thought my sister would take from me, so I swallowed it. Yup, not my brightest idea but I got my first moped ride out of the deal when my oldest sister threw me on it, my middle sister riding her bicycle along side, drove me to my Dad's body shop. He took me directly to the doctor which is where I got my first X-ray. LOL, lots of firsts that day! Moral of the story, even at five I liked cold hard cash, HAHAHA!